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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
SecretSunflower · 07/03/2023 12:27

saraclara · 07/03/2023 11:00

You find this funny? Have you read all of OP's posts?

That's absolutely nothing funny about someone in psychosis (and with small children) mentioning death and his love for OP transcending it.

Show quote history

Yes, I find his feeble excuses for doing NOTHING at all, and suggesting she is 'ruining the magic' whenever she asks him for practical help, laughable.

And since when is it appropriate for lay people (I assume you are not a psychiatrist) to diagnose mental health conditions over a forum?

blueshoes · 07/03/2023 12:44

OP, I re-read your first post. He is looking at one bedroom flats? Hallelujah, there is your answer. Hopefully, he will move out.

alwayscheery · 07/03/2023 14:01

lifeturnsonadime · 06/03/2023 22:15

Does he really hate helping around the house, call me a cynic but I'd be thinking that's an excuse to do bugger all.

Especially since you said he's done nothing for years.

You're magic, of course you are, you do everything.

This

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 07/03/2023 14:16

I really don’t think you’re safe, OP. The glaring while you bathed your children has chilled me to the core. As has his unusual helpfulness this morning.

No one is going to make small children spend time in the company of a man who is dangerously unwell. I really think you need to get him to go or leave.

Squamata · 07/03/2023 15:50

I think having a solid back up plan for leaving if you need to or want to would be wise, OP. Things like what documents would you need to take, where would you go, do you have an emergency fund, what would you need to pack.

I'd be getting through to the GP and asking for advice about whether it could be psychosis. DH is not going to tell you it's psychosis or discuss it with you and agree he has it, you need to investigate a bit.

If urgent mental health is counted out, and he refuses to get help/sort himself out, I'd leave. Either to give him a wake up call if you want to try to save the relationship, or leaving for good.

I don't believe that children are better off with both parents when things are like this, I'm afraid. They pick up on more than you think they do and this is providing them with the blueprint for their future relationships. Even if they're tiny, they know the difference between stressed angry parents and calm relaxed ones. I wouldn't be thinking that sticking it out with a man who acts like this will do them any favours.

inloveandmarried · 07/03/2023 16:14

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:24

@HandlesFruit his brother is schizophrenic

This is making more sense.

I'd say this event has triggered something, an episode of poor mental health.

They way he's talking isn't normal and yes, I think he needs help. But until he's in a place where he can accept help none will come unless he's a danger to himself or others.

So sorry you are going through this.

Ivymom · 07/03/2023 17:19

He can be both a lazy jerk and suffering a mental health episode. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

For the record, this seems like he progressing towards a psychotic episode. This isn’t him “talking to himself” the way most of us do. This is more sinister. The risk is that his hallucinations/delusions may lead to him harming OP or the children. I think OP needs to take the children and go stay with her parents. If he is potentially having auditory hallucinations, you don’t know what the voices are telling him, but it doesn’t seem like they are saying nice things.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2023 17:58

Whether it's drugs, alcohol, or a MH issue when someone refuses to get help, even if it's because they aren't 'in reality' enough to know they need it, there comes a time where family has to consider their own needs and/or safety first. We do not need to sacrifice our own wellbeing or worse, physical safety, on the altar of someone else's needs/issues.

This is what we were told when a family member suffered a MH crisis. That you can only do so much, then you simply have to stop trying. If OP's DH refuses to seek help then she needs to get herself and her children 'out'.

And if he's just being a lazy arse and 'acting up' to get her to leave him alone, then she needs to leave anyway.

TicketBoo23 · 07/03/2023 18:43

I think you should get rid of him.

Hopefully some magic house work fairies will do all the drudgery in his new gaffe for him.

Mama2six · 07/03/2023 19:59

MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:22

He’s an abusive cunt. He’s using his (alleged) depression in order to justify his being a useless husband.

yes. He’s unhinged, and given he’s refused to go to the GP for years OP I would be rethinking my marriage.

This right here

OhcantthInkofaname · 07/03/2023 20:17

I would be very concerned for my children's safety if I were you. He is talking about life being for naught. I would want a MH team to listen to his rants.

bobisbored · 07/03/2023 20:30

He sounds like my ex, who had MH issues but was also a gaslighting, abusive dick. Don't downplay this behaviour. He's making you confused and unhappy. He needs an ultimatum; get help or leave. Make sure you tell someone in RL and keep safe.

bobisbored · 07/03/2023 20:40

Also you're worried about your kids spending time alone with him. If you are concerned that they will come to harm in his care then you say that and you don't allow unsupervised access until you're sure they are safe.

OldFan · 07/03/2023 21:58

@EyeEyeBoom Sounds like he's been really hard work for years. I totally suggest separating from him. You deserve a life. Psychiatric nurses/therapists do this, but they get paid for it, you shouldn't do it unpaid 24/7.

pizzaHeart · 07/03/2023 23:20

Hope you are ok OP

LadyJ2023 · 07/03/2023 23:27

Wouldn't like to be in your relationship so glad my hubby does a massive share of house work and kids in-between his work shifts we do everything together

Sighhhhh · 07/03/2023 23:53

LadyJ2023 · 07/03/2023 23:27

Wouldn't like to be in your relationship so glad my hubby does a massive share of house work and kids in-between his work shifts we do everything together

Not helpful at all

momonpurpose · 08/03/2023 00:05

LadyJ2023 There's a saying in Mexico that translates to tell me what you speak of and it tells what you lack....

TellmeImOvereacting · 08/03/2023 07:39

LadyJ2023 · 07/03/2023 23:27

Wouldn't like to be in your relationship so glad my hubby does a massive share of house work and kids in-between his work shifts we do everything together

As lovely as that is for you, how on earth is it helpful to the op!

ShinyHappyTits · 08/03/2023 07:49

How are you today op? Is all well?

northernlight20 · 08/03/2023 08:01

@LadyJ2023 , here's that blue peter badge you were after 🙄

Tuilpmouse · 08/03/2023 08:08

He may well be depressed, but he's also a lazy, manipulative, gaslighting bastard. Magic, my arse.

Yes, you can be depressed AND a shit. It's not a binary either 'mad' or 'bad'.

I'm no psychiatrist but he does appear to my untrained eyes to be mentally ill and delusional, which is feeding into the shitty way he's treating you, which in turn feeds his psychosis. He needs help, but he needs to recognise that before he can be helped.

Tuilpmouse · 08/03/2023 08:11

LadyJ2023 · 07/03/2023 23:27

Wouldn't like to be in your relationship so glad my hubby does a massive share of house work and kids in-between his work shifts we do everything together

Given how insensitive your post has shown that you to be, I wouldn't like to be in your relationship either!

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/03/2023 08:42

What he is saying does sound unhinged to me and it makes me feel scared for your safety op.

You don't have to put up with being a skivvy and in a loveless relationship. He refuses to get help and just wants to live in a bubble where you are this magical being that does the housework without complaint.

I would be planning on leaving at this point.

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/03/2023 08:43

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:28

@Aquamarine1029 I was bathing our kids tonight and he was sitting just outside the bathroom on his phone. And I was being silly splashing our toddlers. And I looked over and he was looking at me through the door and it was a look of hate or disgust. It was a look I'm not sure I've ever seen from him before.

Do you think he is planning something violent towards you and the kids? My alarm bells are ringing