My DH just said something so awful/insane...

[EyeEyeBoom]

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

He's trying to manipulate you into putting up and shutting up.

Sure its always magic at the very beginning when dating, but as when the years roll by and you get to live together, theres always going to be chores to be done, bills to pay. Its life. You cant keep cleaning up after him all the time. He needs to pull his weight. Granted he does sound depressed, but it doesnt give him the right to talk to you like that and make you feel bad by complaining about him being lazy. Sounds like he wants an easy ride to me. 'Us against them' sounds like a cop out meaning he doesnt want to do any work and go against the daily grind that everyone else has to do in life.

Honestly all your reactions are scaring me a little. I keep thinking am I exaggerating this somehow but I'm reading my posts and they are all accurate. Maybe it's hard to see how bad it's got. Like the talking to himself. He often asks things about the news like "what is really going on there?" About normal stuff.

He definitely is also just lazy though. How to know what is MH and what is him being an arsehole?

The right thing to do is to keep your children safe and also keep you safe so you can be there for them.
As he's now sleeping how about giving nhs or police a wee call to talk it over with a real life person (I know we are also real but you know what I mean).
If nothing else you are at least logging your concern then if anything more were to happen it could be of help- for example in the event of him needing sectioned etc.

Hi Op
I think your husband is struggling with a range of emotions Regrets, at type of relationship he had with Grandfather, who's passed,
Maybe Grandad had severe Dementia, Obviously due to his advanced age, so the Grandfather he known most of his life, was just husk of himself, and been like for several plus years,

Also realisation of his own mortality, is real,
What kind of relationships does he have with his rest of his family Op@EyeEyeBoom

Maybe they are not a close family or are a severely Dysfunctional type of family?

so lacks the emotional support to lean on cause of that Maybe?
I am not sure
So feels sense of hopelessness

I do think he is indenial he does need extra support from outside, for e.g therapy to get himself out of this emotional quagmire, he's stumbled into,

I think that's a lot of pressure that he has created in his mind, this fantasy of how us two against the world mentality of how home life reality is ,the humdrum sheer mundane nature of this,

He is far from unausaul having this kind of fantasy of how relantships are like v Reality ect,

I think you need to give him extra time, to grieve,
But later on down line give him ultimatum that he really needs to seek /address help as being a couple is like being a team, this helplessness ect ,can't carry on indentfinately

Sounds like a death of someone close has led him to question his own mortality, and therefore what he does/wants out of his own life. My partner does this soul-searching regularly and tells me he wishes it was like it was when we met and that all of our 'connection' has gone, and I used to be fun, outgoing etc. He is right, but life isn't magical all of the time, and I can't seem to change that.

I'm praying for protection for you and your children. I also think that if you can possibly take them and get out of the house tonight then that would probably be better, but I understand how hard that would probably be to do quietly, etc. But please get yourself and your children away from him tomorrow, even if it is just for a "day trip", then talk to Women's Aid about the situation and try to not go back in the evening. Or see if you can get your husband sectioned?

I know you have work, but your work should be supportive - this is not a normal situation. I'm not sure how useful my advice is, but I know prayer makes a difference, so I'll praying. Please let us all know that you are okay tomorrow, if that's not too much to ask. Xxx

I’m always very wary of “us and them” chat. It’s childish and manipulative.

you says he’s not helped you for years…. So that bit is nothing to do with the bereavement.

Oops I ment to say its lot of pressure for you Op@EyeEyeBoom
to live up to, this fantasy of his your husband,

I do think he could be severely depressed, but he was like that before Grandad died, so he could be making excuses, being manipulative if that's his nature,
it's personality trait that's very embedded and difficult to change

What you’ve described is genuinely worrying, op. I don’t think people are overreacting in their responses. Is there somewhere you could go at short notice if necessary?

People can be arseholes who also have poor mental health.

And mental health issues can compel people to act like abusive arseholes.

Either way, you have to prioritise you and your children's safety.

And that includes looking after your own mental health.

Does he have any family that can support him if you need to leave?

Is he a pre-teen?

OP I’m not usually a panic merchant but this is very worrying and I’m concerned about you sleeping in the same house. Has this been a steady decline that seems to be worsening or a sudden ‘break’? If sudden I would consider leaving now, or calling 111 and ask their advice on accessing immediate MH care for him. I’m worried what he could do if he’s really talking about death of your children etc. good luck.

do you have friends or family nearby?

Honestly, it sounds like psychosis. The weird speech, the delusions, talking to himself, the paranoia and confusion, the disturbed thoughts about death. He needs help and you need to protect your children by separating them until he is assessed.

I know it will be hard on your children but get out! At worst it's a tragedy ready to happen. At best he is gas lighting you and holding you to impossible standards. Get you and the kids out because either is terrible for you all. And just to add he is absolutely taking the pis about his grand dad since he never even went to visit him

Sounds like a narcissist. Me me me

And you're like, so boring maaan, with the necessary chores and things. Why can't you just be magic and do them without bothering meee. I thought you were special, baby, you want to keep being special don't you?

I think he does sound unhinged. I think he needs to sort himself out. If he won’t help himself your children are the priority full stop. This an excuse to continue the same behaviour.

I understand your concern. But he doesn't help you with them as it is, would he really want have them on his own knowing that he'd be 100% responsible for caring for them during that time? Chances are he'd probably just 'fade away' or he'd take them to someone else's house (parent, sibling) so they'd take care of them for him while he sat there like a lump.

In the meantime, is there anywhere you can go with the DC to give you time to think in a calm environment? A friend or relative you can confide in who could then 'invite' you to visit for a few days? I think you badly need time on your own.

I think he sounds like a narcissist who feels pissed off that you haven't given him the reaction/sympathy he wants or expected after his grandfather died.

He obviously didn't give two shits about him, but expected you to let him get away with yet more lazy self indulgent behaviour.

When you didn't do that he moved on to the " crazy " talk and contempt to weird you out so you are to scared to confront him again.

That's my take, I'd leave ASAP because he will never be a good role model for the children.

This, absolutely this.
Some of the other comments on here sound more unhinged than the subject of the OP!

It sounds as if he's psychotic at the moment, and very unwell mentally.

The more I read I agree with this.

OP, this sounds worrying, what is his relationship like with his dad?
Make. Sure you and your children are safe. Any escalation in his odd behaviour get yourselves out of there. At the very least he needs to see his GP.
My mother in law used to talk to herself, it was the start of paranoia no one ever got to the bottom of, we could hear her having full blown conversations with herself, in a normal volume voice but if she was talking to us began to talk in a whisper, she became paranoid the neighbours were listening in.

I agree with the posters who say he could be having a psychotic episode. Call his gp in the morning and explain his symptoms .

The 'oh you're so boring, life has no meaning' thing can be part of a midlife crisis as well.

But if he's muttering to himself then that's kind of concerning.