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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
TheMatriarchy · 06/03/2023 22:37

Lazy and self centred would be my call.

HandlesFruit · 06/03/2023 22:37

Also do think about your own safety and your children if he’s being hostile/unpredictable. Even if the underlying cause is his mental health, you don’t have to stay there.

Suprima · 06/03/2023 22:38

Lol this is not a mental health crisis

this is him pretending he is in an art house romantic drama with his manic pixie dream girl who would NEVER ask him to do drudgework like cleaning and laundry

he’s manipulating you. He’s calling you a fucking nag ‘like all the others’ because you are spoiling the ‘magic’ by asking to him to do housework

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:39

I've known he was lazy and entitled for a long time. And I've known he has anxiety too for a long time and been trying to get him help. But the stuff he was coming out with tonight. Thinking of our kids death. Me being actual magic. And he sounded like he meant that literally. I've never heard that kind of stuff before.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 06/03/2023 22:40

Please tell this man to fuck off back to where he came from, pick your babies up and go rediscover your magic without this anchor round your neck. I have no sympathy for those who refuse to help themselves, blame the world for their ineptitude and display grief for a person they couldn’t even be bothered to visit whilst alive. And he’s disgusted at you because your magic actually continues to shine in spite of him.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 06/03/2023 22:41

He’s an abusive, lazy twat. He may need psychiatric help but he’s still a shit person for the way he treats you. And I don’t think anything justifies not visiting his elderly grandfather and then trying to use his death to prop up his behaviour.

FiftyPenceWorth · 06/03/2023 22:42

Is he wearing the dressing gown of doom by any chance?
He may well be depressed, but he's also a lazy, manipulative, gaslighting bastard. Magic, my arse.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:42

@MySugarBabyLove @Suprima yeah he has spouted the "you're the cool girl" stuff at me before. And every time I ask him to do something I ruin that

I said to him I wish you would help more with the kids and he just shouted "when did you give me any instructions to do something. Tell me what you've asked me to do that I haven't"

He's impossible to talk to. But I genuinely do think he's struggling a bit with reality too. I think. God I feel confused by him

OP posts:
Squamata · 06/03/2023 22:42

There's a false dichotomy here between whether he's having a mental health crisis or whether he's abusive/horrible. He could be both, tbh. Or a bit of one, a bit of the other.

You need to focus on priorities:

  1. are you and the kids safe
  2. does he need urgent help
  3. does he need longer term help
  4. how can you find a way to a happier life

I'd say he's secretly a bit ashamed of himself for not helping you more or visiting his grandad before he died so he's having a crisis, he's probably very anxious and a bit paranoid. GP is first port of call.

Dita73 · 06/03/2023 22:43

Sounds like he needs sectioning. The way you describe him looking at you while you were bathing your children is a bit scary

FrostyFifi · 06/03/2023 22:43

What a ridiculous teenage tantrum. Tell him to take his angsty arse off and write some crap poetry and that you don't fuck thirteen year olds.

CrotchetyQuaver · 06/03/2023 22:43

As he has a schizophrenic brother, I'd be very concerned indeed about all this. That puts this behaviour into a whole other very worrying dimension.

I think I'd be talking to the GP saying you're very concerned about his mental health and what can be done if he (DH) won't make an appointment at the GP.

ExhibitA · 06/03/2023 22:44

Sounds like gaslighting from a lazy git, tbh.

But I’m an unsympathetic bitch. 🤷‍♀️

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/03/2023 22:44

What would life be like living separately to him? Could you afford that?

Idkrealorfake · 06/03/2023 22:44

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:28

@Aquamarine1029 I was bathing our kids tonight and he was sitting just outside the bathroom on his phone. And I was being silly splashing our toddlers. And I looked over and he was looking at me through the door and it was a look of hate or disgust. It was a look I'm not sure I've ever seen from him before.

That's pretty worrying. Has he ever shown any signs of psychosis in the past?

I ask because I had an ex who started saying odd stuff like this, making out I had changed dramatically somehow and was stopping him doing things that we'd never even discussed (climbing a mountain was one example) and I was the reason he didn't have a job (apparently I was supposed to look for one for him) and he also started looking at me with utter contempt. It later became clear he had slipped into an episode.

Definitely don't question his sanity in person though. It doesn't help anyone, in any case.

And do make sure you have someone supportive you can trust and confide in if you need to.

Inkypot · 06/03/2023 22:45

Squamata · 06/03/2023 22:42

There's a false dichotomy here between whether he's having a mental health crisis or whether he's abusive/horrible. He could be both, tbh. Or a bit of one, a bit of the other.

You need to focus on priorities:

  1. are you and the kids safe
  2. does he need urgent help
  3. does he need longer term help
  4. how can you find a way to a happier life

I'd say he's secretly a bit ashamed of himself for not helping you more or visiting his grandad before he died so he's having a crisis, he's probably very anxious and a bit paranoid. GP is first port of call.

Perfectly put. And having read more of the comments since posting my own reply I agree OP's safety is a worry too

Ndd135632 · 06/03/2023 22:45

OP his behaviour is scary. I would be getting you and the kids well away. Take care.

NannyGythaOgg · 06/03/2023 22:45

You know, when we were growing up, we all thought it would be great to be 'grown up', that we could do just what we want, when we want.

AND then we grow up and realise, actually, it's shit being a grown up. There's so much responsibility; work to do, bills to pay, families to raise - but some men don't accept this. They think the dream they had as kids is their right. They never actually realise that adult life isn't like that - for anyone. They appear to believe that everyone else is conspiring against them having their fantasy adult life of doing what they want; when they want.

I think it was what Peter Pan is based on. This (mostly male) dream that being grown up is all about freedom to do what you want, as and when you want to do it.

People who believe this is their right are a waste of space - they choose not to grow up ever and blame the world (and those who love them) for them not having their shangrila. Sometimes it is their parent's/guardian's fault - sometimes it is society (MSM and sometimes porn sites) but they are very unlikely to ever get beyond this and the best we can do is leave them to it. There is no point engaging or trying to reason, they are convinced it is their right to live this way

Geministranger · 06/03/2023 22:47

morethanspice · 06/03/2023 22:27

reminds me of the sort of thing my very narcissistic ex H used to say, all about how I was once wonderful and now I’m crap

Snap

ThereIbledit · 06/03/2023 22:47

Yep, I'm another who is concerned about OP's safety around him.

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 22:49

OP the more you say, the more worried I'm becoming. I would be very careful. Don't upset him tonight and consider getting the hell out of there if you can. Better safe than sorry.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:50

@Squamata I think you're right. It's both.

  1. Yes I think we are safe
  2. If I continue to try to talk to him, he may do something dangerous I feel. He wants to be left alone
  3. He has needed long term support since beginning of covid. We have the money to pay for therapy. He says therapists aren't trustworthy and he doesn't want to talk about his childhood
  4. I would have a happier life if I left him. My kids wouldn't. They would be much worse off
OP posts:
Foronenightonly22 · 06/03/2023 22:51

MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:26

I’d be telling him that if he really thinks he’s depressed he either goes to see the GP or he can shut the fuck up.

Too many people claim to be depressed to justify them checking out of normal life and in many instances abusing those around them.

I have sympathy for anyone who is genuinely depressed and wants help to do something about it, but the term is thrown around to readily these days, and then people are expected to just walk on eggshells and put up with whatever treatment because “mental health”.

Totally this. He sounds like a spoilt manipulative tosser.

Jux · 06/03/2023 22:52

Well, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life, his environment, his family (not just in monetary terms).

What is his contribution to the household btw?

You need to see a GP and tell them what's going on, not for his benefit but for yours. Ask if they think there is something to be concerned about while you're there, and what you might be able to do about it. Have a proper conversation with the GP about it all and see if they can think of a way to get him to see them and a way that they can support you too - if he carries on like this you will need some support of some kind.

He does sound like a man who just doesn't want to do stuff and is making excuses, tbh. However, if he is depressed you could tell him that it is up to him to deal with it and get it under control, and is not your fault that he's not bothering to. Also that you still expect him to do his share of the work. Depressed isn't necessarily disabled, and he doesn't sound disabled.

Restinggoddess · 06/03/2023 22:52

The more I read this the more concerned I am for you
He didn’t do anything for his grandfather in his final days - now he feels guilty and is looking to blame someone ( and you are the easiest target)
He may well be feeling his mortality - we all do, but his behaviour is selfish, at the very least, others have suggested more

is there someone who can help you? Family or friend who can speak to him? He needs help if he is depressed or needs to step up

Don’t let this situation trickle on for too long - you and your children deserve better

I am sorry you have this on your shoulders

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