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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/03/2023 08:46

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:39

I've known he was lazy and entitled for a long time. And I've known he has anxiety too for a long time and been trying to get him help. But the stuff he was coming out with tonight. Thinking of our kids death. Me being actual magic. And he sounded like he meant that literally. I've never heard that kind of stuff before.

Jesus get out of there, he sounds on the verge of something violent. I don't think you're safe!

Fluffawuffla · 08/03/2023 09:35

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods the family courts absolutely will order small children to be in the sole care of people with significant mental health issues. Thousands and thousands of children live with parents like this.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 09:41

Fluffawuffla · 08/03/2023 09:35

Really? I have a friend with BPD and she is only allowed supervised visits while she’s unwell. Her children at late primary age.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 09:42

Obviously she’s never harmed them or neglected them and was the resident parent, but after she was sectioned (for a short time) things moved rapidly.

Fluffawuffla · 08/03/2023 10:21

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods do you means BiPolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? Sorry I get my abbreviations muddled.

As you say though. It’s when she’s unwell. How will OP know when the children’s father is unwell if he lives away from her? It’s sometimes a slow creep and not at all obvious straight away if you’re not seeing someone. People can mask quite well for short periods like a hand over.

Original poster

EyeEyeBoom · 08/03/2023 16:23

Quick update to say

GP said a) v common b) nothing they can do anyway c) encourage him to go in and see them

She did record my concerns on his notes though. Not sure if that was the right thing to do - she asked if I wanted her to do that and warned me he could see that I'd called. But I wanted there to be a record.

DH has been upset. He said he didn't mean what he said to sound like that and he was emotional and trying to say how much he loved me.

Anyway he's much calmer. And he's agreed to see the GP. We wait and see.

I have support IRL. If I think we are at risk at all - I know where we will go. I don't think he is a threat at all to our kids at all. I do think he's not v well and also that he has become v self-absorbed.

I've had a meeting with a solicitor and emailed her notes on everything that's been said and happened.

Thank you so much for the support. Just wanted to reassure that we are OK and I won't for a second hesitate if I need to leave with DC.

OP posts:

Blort · 08/03/2023 16:27

This is really good progress and it sounds like he's had a bit of clarity today. The fact that he's very upset rather than paranoid/angry is also good.

Will he consider taking sick leave from work?

OldFan · 08/03/2023 16:44

The fact that he's very upset rather than paranoid/angry is also good.

I think he's being a bit gaslighty to OP though. He's claiming that he just wanted to express his love with what he said, when his initial comments didn't sound that way at all.

WisherWood · 08/03/2023 17:05

I'm glad you're okay OP but that sounds to me like 'oh shit, she might leave, better up my game a bit'. It will be interesting to see if he actually tries to change his behaviour at all.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/03/2023 18:34

I hope he will comply and see the GP, who will liaise with the mental health team
There can be a genetic predisposition to develop Schizophrenia

MisschiefMaker · 08/03/2023 19:37

He said he didn't mean what he said to sound like that and he was emotional and trying to say how much he loved me.

I haven't read the thread only the OPs comments but my god what a manipulative prick.

LilyPAnderson · 09/03/2023 00:53

He should be happy his grandparent reached such a grand age and celebrate their life, so being depressed about that seems as if something is wrong.
Although I probably sound paranoid to many, as I get angry while watching the news, thinking it's all propaganda, as why do people only care about what they're told to? Like how everybody are flying certain flags because the news is talking about it, while nobody seems to care about all the people suffering in Afghanistan after the USA just gave up there.

I see it as I'm awake and most people dumbed down, but there's not much you can do about it, as everybody is so brainwashed, even discussing those things online can get you banned.

Squamata · 09/03/2023 07:56

That all sounds positive, op!

Go by your instincts though, if you think he needs urgent help then get it for him - sometimes you need to be assertive with doctors if you're sure something is wrong.

FrostyFifi · 09/03/2023 08:03

I think he's changing his tune as he's realised he's pushed too far.

Fraaahnces · 09/03/2023 10:03

Two words… FUCK… HIM. If you can’t see that this is proof that he has been using Grandpa as a (very transparent - like cling wrap transparent) smokescreen, then YOU need psychiatric help OP. I seriously think that you have Stockholm Syndrome.

Jux · 09/03/2023 15:30

Well done; two big steps taken, and so hard to do.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2023 15:36

@EyeEyeBoom

"DH has been upset. He said he didn't mean what he said to sound like that and he was emotional and trying to say how much he loved me."

Of course he's upset! I think he's realized how close he came to losing his 'home comforts'. But that's not the same as being upset that he came close to losing you.

Do you really want to be living on tenterhooks, wondering if this will happen again? Or worrying about that 'next time' may bring a severe escalation, injury, or worse?

It seems to me that he's treated you pretty badly/disrespectfully in the past. What makes you think the future will be any different.

Ivymom · 09/03/2023 22:50

I would make him going to the doctor and following a treatment plan that included therapy and medication my hill to die on. It is one thing if you decide to tolerate his behavior. It is unfair to your innocent children to subject them to it. In the meantime, I would seek legal counsel to find out what custody would look like should you separate. I would also find out what kind of documentation I needed to show the courts that if untreated, he shouldn’t have unsupervised access to the kids.

Mix56 · 11/03/2023 16:53

So he says he will go to the GP does he ?
Seeing as he realizes he has pushed you to the edge, I would carry on, & say if 1) he doesn't ring & make a call today, & 2, actually go to the aptmt, then you are no longer accepting to live with him.
Either he has genuine mental health issue, or he is a lazy gaslighting Dick
The result should be edifying.

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