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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 07/03/2023 08:46

MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:22

He’s an abusive cunt. He’s using his (alleged) depression in order to justify his being a useless husband.

yes. He’s unhinged, and given he’s refused to go to the GP for years OP I would be rethinking my marriage.

You seem nice.

Dredel · 07/03/2023 08:48

whyhere · 07/03/2023 07:44

Psychotherapist here. I am NOT, of course, diagnosing your husband. However, if this was a case study on which my opinion was asked, I would be concerned that, either, you are being very cleverly manipulated by this man, or, he is having/heading for a psychotic episode. I would seriously consider getting yourself and the children out of there, even under the guise of 'a holiday'.

Really??

I do sometimes wonder if people are who they say they are on here.

whyhere · 07/03/2023 08:50

Dredel · 07/03/2023 08:48

Really??

I do sometimes wonder if people are who they say they are on here.

Show quote history

Understandable but yes, I truly am.

Dredel · 07/03/2023 08:53

I do find it hard to understand. I knew his granddad was about to die. We all did. And I'm very happy living life to the full and feel grateful for my kids and my health and everything.

That's great, but perhaps accept that he feels differently? If he's brighter today perhaps you could listen to him when he gets home? I'd imagine having a brother who is schizophrenic has made him even more anxious and in denial about his own mental health.

Dredel · 07/03/2023 08:54

whyhere · 07/03/2023 08:50

Understandable but yes, I truly am.

Show quote history

Couldn't possibly be stress and grief and anxiety?

Rosscameasdoody · 07/03/2023 08:55

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 07/03/2023 06:45

Someone close?! He never visited his grandad once.

Show quote history

Doesn’t matter, it’s still been enough to tip him into what’s clearly a MH crisis, in which he’s questioning his very existence. He needs help.

lovescats3 · 07/03/2023 08:55

Did you say he works with the public ? That's worrying as well

lovescats3 · 07/03/2023 08:56

I'd phone in sick today and contact gp and mental health services and stay with your family tonight

Amybelle88 · 07/03/2023 09:02

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2023 00:34

I have never been as concerned about the physical safety of any other op in all the years I've been on MN. I am genuinely worried for you, and I wish you would get yourself and your kids away from him.

I agree. I've sent the kids off to school and came straight on here when they went to see if OP is ok.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 09:04

@Dredel I do accept he feels differently. I have been v supportive over the years. Agreed for him to go part time for his MH. Have encouraged him to use savings to go private for therapy and CBT. I do all the things that cause him anxiety...bills, admin, kid stuff, social organising.

He has always had anxiety. He used to take to his bed for days if something upset him (back door unlocked or something)

His grandad was in a home for a year. He never visited him once. He hasn't reached out to FIL at all. I've encouraged him to go and spend a weekend with his parents and ill manage the kids. He doesn't do any of it. He said to me last night "to be honest I'm not thinking of FIL. I'm just thinking about my own death". I said that I thought he should talk to a GP. He told me I was gaslighting him.

I'm bloody trying.

OP posts:
Justforlaffs · 07/03/2023 09:04

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:17

I've been trying to get him to go to the GP for years. He tells me I'm gaslighting him by making him feel he needs to be "fixed"

He just told me how boring I've become because I dare ask him to help me round the house and I've ruined our "magic". I mean I saw that as pretty manipulative. He told me he wants me to "shut up about being unhappy or telling him to do stuff because it is affecting him"

Unhinged is unfair. And harsh. But I'm done in. And a bit scared about what he was saying about transcending death

Yes, he's using it as an excuse, if he was a lazy sod before his bereavement I don't really see how a 96 yo grandad dying is any reason to suddenly become unable to lift a finger. Very convenient.

illiterato · 07/03/2023 09:05

Honestly, OP. Cut your losses. He was a lazy arsehole ( by your own admission) even before all the MH stuff- the grandad grief wank is just the latest manifestation of his nasal gazing and expecting the world to revolve around him. Just take the DC and leave. Best of luck. I wouldn’t worry about contact as I doubt he’ll be asking for it.

Candleabra · 07/03/2023 09:06

I think he thinks he's a deeper thinker - I think he thinks I'm happy because I'm stupid or something

A lot of men think like this. They think women are more suited to the menial jobs around the house (and enjoy them). See also - women are just better with children (which absolves then from dealing with them too).
It’s worrying what you say about the mental health issues, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t swinging the lead as well.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 09:07

Thank you @northernlight20 it is scary isn't it? I go from thinking I've got to get me and the kids out to thinking it's all fine and I just need to support him more and accept he's just finding death of his grandad hard. How is your kids relationship with their dad now?

OP posts:
faffadoodledo · 07/03/2023 09:07

I havent rttt so apologies OP if you've clarified beyond the first post. But honestly? I just felt the man needs to grow up. His grandad lived to a fine age. Are his parents still alive? Is the natural order of things in place? And the language he uses about you in the past is odd - placing you on a weird pedestal, and sort of delusional and stereotypical. Magic? You and me against the world? It's as if he's read a slightly crappy novel. It feels like he's after sympathy. Sure you can be sympathetic about his grandad. It's sad when people die. But really - grow up!
And I speak as someone with a thread of mental health problems running through my family and someone who recently lost both parents in quick succession. His language just doesn't ring true to me.
Either way though you have problem - whether the language comes from a rea mental health crisis or from a position of wanting to control.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/03/2023 09:09

Wow. Where do you even start? How about: I shouldn’t have to ask.

Blort · 07/03/2023 09:11

In your shoes I'd make an appointment in person with the GP for myself and discuss your anxieties and ask what next steps.

You mentioned you had money for therapy but I feel a psychiatrist would be a better step after GP.

I would speak to your DH sympathetically and say you can see he feels really burdened and suggest he goes off sick from work for a bit. He might agree if you pander to him a bit and that agreement will also help as a first step to get him to GP.

Agree with him he needs a break and suggest getting a cleaner or some childcare for the house. He sounds really mentally unwell and you need to lower what you need from him - so get yourself help so he can mentally/physically rest.

BraveGoldie · 07/03/2023 09:13

OP, my first post was only after your first post (you were writing further updates while I wrote mine).

I want to say I am much much more concerned since your updates. Really concerned for your and your kids safety.

You said you don't understand the posters who are not worried. Many will just have read the first post and not the updates.

Everything you are telling us sounds objectively scary. And you need to listen to your instincts (and that's not the same as the voice in your head that's rationalising and telling you to calm down).

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know what to advise, but I wanted to contradict my first post, because based on your update, I don't think it was right.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/03/2023 09:13

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:17

I've been trying to get him to go to the GP for years. He tells me I'm gaslighting him by making him feel he needs to be "fixed"

He just told me how boring I've become because I dare ask him to help me round the house and I've ruined our "magic". I mean I saw that as pretty manipulative. He told me he wants me to "shut up about being unhappy or telling him to do stuff because it is affecting him"

Unhinged is unfair. And harsh. But I'm done in. And a bit scared about what he was saying about transcending death

It reminds me of the way key workers were labelled as “heroes” in the pandemic when they were doing dangerous, exhausting work for low pay. Saying “you’re magic” is the equivalent of clapping for carers. It prevents him from having to acknowledge the fact that you are a real human being who is working much harder than he is in the home and excuses him from having the responsibility of stepping up. You are the fairytale godmother who makes everything lovely and nice. It makes me wonder what his relationship with his mother is/was like.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 09:15

@Blort I can't lower what I need from him. It can't get any lower.

OP posts:
UdoU · 07/03/2023 09:16

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/03/2023 09:13

It reminds me of the way key workers were labelled as “heroes” in the pandemic when they were doing dangerous, exhausting work for low pay. Saying “you’re magic” is the equivalent of clapping for carers. It prevents him from having to acknowledge the fact that you are a real human being who is working much harder than he is in the home and excuses him from having the responsibility of stepping up. You are the fairytale godmother who makes everything lovely and nice. It makes me wonder what his relationship with his mother is/was like.

Show quote history

Well said.

northernlight20 · 07/03/2023 09:22

EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 09:07

Thank you @northernlight20 it is scary isn't it? I go from thinking I've got to get me and the kids out to thinking it's all fine and I just need to support him more and accept he's just finding death of his grandad hard. How is your kids relationship with their dad now?

They have nothing to do with him now. They were open to seeing him at first but he made some very silly moves and has continued to do some crazy stuff and they were scared to be alone with him and now refuse to see him and seem much calmer and no longer anxious.

illiterato · 07/03/2023 09:23

Think is @EyeEyeBoom . Do you actually want to be with this guy? You said your life would be happier if you weren’t but your DC’s wouldn’t, but as they get older they are going to be negatively impacted by his actions a lot more. The things that impact you will also impact them. I can’t imagine growing Ip in a house with someone like your DH. It would be awful.

northernlight20 · 07/03/2023 09:24

He also had a bereavement and a lot of similar stuff to you. U can pm me for a chat if you want 😊

maryberryslayers · 07/03/2023 09:24

You need to report this to the police OP as you need to a record of it to help to ensure he can't be alone with your children until he is well enough.

Keep a diary in the notes on your phone and write everything he says and does down.

Personally I think he does sound unhinged and actually quite dangerous. The talk of death in relation to himself/the children is worrying in any context.

Do you think he'd take you to court for access to the children if you made him leave the house?

I'd phone his parents and ask them to collect him to go up and stay with them. I'd also inform the police of his job if he's potentially a danger to the public in his role.