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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
philautia · 07/03/2023 10:11

Hairday · 07/03/2023 09:45

A lot of men get very grouchy when kids come along and they are no longer the centre of your attention. I bet it's 80% that. He was probably jealous outside the bathroom.

There is "grouchy" and there is terrifying.

Please don't downplay his mental illness as lives are at stake (including his).

OP I was wrong about social services, I think this maybe for the MH crisis team.

EezyOozy · 07/03/2023 10:12

He’s not been helping the Op for years, and now he has the perfect excuse.

TonTonMacoute · 07/03/2023 10:14

Jeez, some of the posters on here! When family members become difficult we just kick them out on the streets and let them get on with it? Really? And they are accusing OP's DH of being self-centred 🤔

People who develop mental problems are incredibly difficult to deal with, selfish, unreasonable, rude and ungrateful and very often in denial about the problems they are experiencing and just want to be left alone. It's the hardest thing in the world to help them, especially as our own health service is such an almighty mess.

OP you need to contact your GP and community mental health team and demand help. I don't want to alarm you unecessarily but this is something which could affect your own children in future and you wont be able to just walk away then.

femfemlicious · 07/03/2023 10:18

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/03/2023 00:00

OP, this sounds worrying, what is his relationship like with his dad?
Make. Sure you and your children are safe. Any escalation in his odd behaviour get yourselves out of there. At the very least he needs to see his GP.
My mother in law used to talk to herself, it was the start of paranoia no one ever got to the bottom of, we could hear her having full blown conversations with herself, in a normal volume voice but if she was talking to us began to talk in a whisper, she became paranoid the neighbours were listening in.

Oh dear...I have conversations with myself out loud😭

CaribouCarafe · 07/03/2023 10:18

Just leave him. What's the chances that a man who barely does any upkeep for himself will actually have the children round every weekend/every other week?

If he won't help himself then he only has himself to blame. You've done everything you can. Your children will be better off without his negativity and delusional behaviour (and I'm speaking as someone who has battled extreme depression and anxiety myself + a verbally (and occasionally physically) abusive depressive mother + a family with 2 schizophrenics in it). I often wish my dad had left and taken us with him. We were not better off under my mother's care.

dworky · 07/03/2023 10:18

Well, he may also be depressed but, yes, he's unhinged!

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 10:19

TonTonMacoute · 07/03/2023 10:14

Jeez, some of the posters on here! When family members become difficult we just kick them out on the streets and let them get on with it? Really? And they are accusing OP's DH of being self-centred 🤔

People who develop mental problems are incredibly difficult to deal with, selfish, unreasonable, rude and ungrateful and very often in denial about the problems they are experiencing and just want to be left alone. It's the hardest thing in the world to help them, especially as our own health service is such an almighty mess.

OP you need to contact your GP and community mental health team and demand help. I don't want to alarm you unecessarily but this is something which could affect your own children in future and you wont be able to just walk away then.

You missed that his aversion to helping and supporting the OP has gone on for “years”

CaribouCarafe · 07/03/2023 10:20

Treehappy · 07/03/2023 09:32

He would have been less disappointed in the relationship if he had treated it as an equal friendship and partnership and shared the workload. Instead of treating his partner as a free house keeper.

Absolutely no sympathy with miserable men who are unhappy in the relationships they ruined through selfish entitlement.

Show quote history

This! 100% this!!

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 10:21

And your advice that the OP contacts mental health services and “demands” help really does demonstrate your experience and understanding in this field

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/03/2023 10:25

He might be lazy but speaking about death when he wasn't close to his Grandad, the look of contempt, the talking to himself sounds like this may be the start of a psychotic episode.
Can you speak to his DF?
I think he needs to see GP, but you need to put yours and DC safety first

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 10:26

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/03/2023 10:25

He might be lazy but speaking about death when he wasn't close to his Grandad, the look of contempt, the talking to himself sounds like this may be the start of a psychotic episode.
Can you speak to his DF?
I think he needs to see GP, but you need to put yours and DC safety first

Well it might be

but given the heats before now, I’d hedge a bet it’s just a twatty husband

SchoolTripDrama · 07/03/2023 10:26

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:28

@Aquamarine1029 I was bathing our kids tonight and he was sitting just outside the bathroom on his phone. And I was being silly splashing our toddlers. And I looked over and he was looking at me through the door and it was a look of hate or disgust. It was a look I'm not sure I've ever seen from him before.

I've only got as far as this update and I have to say it's made me quite concerned for your safety. He needs to leave.
I'm pretty confident that one of two things is happening here. Either he's incredibly abusive and is turning on you now that you've asked him to pull his weight, which makes me very, very worried for your safety. Or, he having a major mental break and is extremely dangerous.

Either way, regardless of whether it's abuse or a mental break - sneering at you through a gap in the door with a look of disgust, is bloody terrifying OP and I'm EXTREMELY concerned for your (& your children's) safety right now.

Please, please either leave with the kids or have him leave if you think you can safely accomplish that. Just get away from him

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 10:27

You were magic when you were serving his needs, now you are not prepared to be his domestic slave any longer you are not so ‘magic’ anymore.

This has nothing to do with mental illness and everything to do with male entitlement.

BlueSeaWave · 07/03/2023 10:29

I was coming on to say to ask him what he thought would happen if you stopped doing the boring stuff but then I read the update about the talking and his brother. Sadly it does sound like he’s someone who could be fine or quickly slip into a psychotic episode and become dangerous, you just don’t know until it happens. But speaking to the Gp is a good start. Also tell a few friends and family members in real life and be open and honest about everything. So you know you have a few people that will notice if you go missing one day and can let someone know, not that it should get that far.

SchoolTripDrama · 07/03/2023 10:32

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 23:06

He doesn't smoke weed

I just don't want to go to bed because its so uncomfortable. The rage is coming off him. He won't say anything to me. My kids have been in bed for horus of course.

I just mean my kids having to spend lots of time with their dad without me, particularly given his anger/depression/paranoid or worse. That feels very hard for me to consider. They are very little and unaware of it. Take the bath for example. They had a lovely bath time, mummy splashing them, singing songs. They don't know daddy is glaring at mummy. I don't want to leave them alone with him because I won't be there to make everything OK

I promise you, no court in the land would make you leave your kids with him, he's having a mental breakdown!

Dredel · 07/03/2023 10:32

femfemlicious · 07/03/2023 10:18

Oh dear...I have conversations with myself out loud😭

Show quote history

So do I!

Thepossibility · 07/03/2023 10:33

Hairday · 07/03/2023 09:45

A lot of men get very grouchy when kids come along and they are no longer the centre of your attention. I bet it's 80% that. He was probably jealous outside the bathroom.

I actually thought that too.
He sounds very self obsessed.
The death upset him because he's worried about himself.
You asking him for help annoys him because he only cares for himself.
He would be furious at you for giving the kids the attention he feels should be all his.
It annoys him that you are pragmatic and getting on with things and not sitting there focused on him.
Or having the gall to try and pull his focus off himself and onto the housework/kids!
I don't think he would spend a lot of the time with the kids if you split, they would only try to distract him from focusing on number 1.

Purplefoxes · 07/03/2023 10:34

EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 09:07

Thank you @northernlight20 it is scary isn't it? I go from thinking I've got to get me and the kids out to thinking it's all fine and I just need to support him more and accept he's just finding death of his grandad hard. How is your kids relationship with their dad now?

I haven't read the whole thread but I've read your posts and have gone from feeling sorry for him to feeling angry at his entitledness to feeling very very worried about you and your small children. I can only go by what you've said but I think you should move out for a while. He has clear mental health issues and it could be schizophrenia just like his brother. Not uncommon for it to run in families we have bipolar in mine. The thing is this could put you and those small children at risk. The look of hated and the Scape goating you is a real worry. I'm sorry to bring this up but that poor head teacher and her 7 year old recently were shot dead but the husband. People can just snap and he sounds like he is all in his own head and blaming you for things which are not your fault. Leave temporarily with the kids and get some perspective. Do you have family you can stay with for a bit? It might prompt him to seek help. Very easy not to get help while you are covering for him and helping everything seem normal to those on the outside. You will know based on how he responds to you temporarily leaving on whether you are safe. If not then womens refuge. You will probably discount what I've said as over dramatic but I bet that teacher never thought her husband could do something like that until it was too late, but I bet there were little signs. Probably not unlike the look of hatred he gave you and the fact he is talking about you losing your 'magic'. Take it as fair warning. Get help from family and friends. It's harder for him to remain on denial of other people know so you are also doing him a favour by blowing the lid on it, even though it might not seem that way to him at first. Good luck OP and please stay safe and think about the safety of your gorgeous tots. No man is worth harm coming to them.

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 10:34

SchoolTripDrama · 07/03/2023 10:32

I promise you, no court in the land would make you leave your kids with him, he's having a mental breakdown!

Show quote history

Pipe down.

of course they would. Without a diagnosis, it’s just the OP’s word. And with a diagnosis, they would look for ways to enable access leading up to alone time when med professionals ie not the OP l, say so

Dobby123456 · 07/03/2023 10:35

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:17

I've been trying to get him to go to the GP for years. He tells me I'm gaslighting him by making him feel he needs to be "fixed"

He just told me how boring I've become because I dare ask him to help me round the house and I've ruined our "magic". I mean I saw that as pretty manipulative. He told me he wants me to "shut up about being unhappy or telling him to do stuff because it is affecting him"

Unhinged is unfair. And harsh. But I'm done in. And a bit scared about what he was saying about transcending death

Welcome to married life. I used to laugh at my dh jokes. Now I'm really irritable and 'I haven't got time for this rubbish.' is my normal response. I plan to make it up to him in a few years when the kids are older.

What your dh said is rather melodramatic way of puting it, and not a very mature response to asking him to help around the house.

Thesharkradar · 07/03/2023 10:43

I think this man is a liability and a leech and possibly a danger, I would want to get away from him

Greensleeves · 07/03/2023 10:43

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 23:21

Honestly all your reactions are scaring me a little. I keep thinking am I exaggerating this somehow but I'm reading my posts and they are all accurate. Maybe it's hard to see how bad it's got. Like the talking to himself. He often asks things about the news like "what is really going on there?" About normal stuff.

He definitely is also just lazy though. How to know what is MH and what is him being an arsehole?

One of my best friends had a relationship with a man like this. He definitely had some acute mental health issues; delusions, paranoia, believing in magic and predestination, and when his illness was very active he constructed some very elaborate narratives that were very scary for those around him. He refused all help and was volatile if pressed; anyone who tried to convince him to seek help was part of the conspiracy.

He was ill, but he also had an underlying personality - he was an absolute raging thundercunt. He was controlling, misogynistic and incredibly selfish. Spiteful and childish, too. It took my friend a long, long time to accept that she needed to leave him, because she was a lovely person who felt terrible about abandoning someone who was so obviously unwell. He knew this, and weaponised it constantly; I believe this was part of the rationale for refusing all help. His illness shackled her to him however foul he was to her, and meant that he never had to make any effort or do anything he didn't want to do.

I would caution you that if/when you do decide to break free of this horrible, manipulative man, there will be a period of increased danger when he realises you are escaping. My friend had to take a couple of blokes with her for protection when she went to retrieve her stuff from their flat, and he still managed to corner her and assault her. Get everything planned and organised before you jump, have the children safely out of the way, and don't be alone with him once he knows you're leaving.

Dredel · 07/03/2023 10:43

EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 09:04

@Dredel I do accept he feels differently. I have been v supportive over the years. Agreed for him to go part time for his MH. Have encouraged him to use savings to go private for therapy and CBT. I do all the things that cause him anxiety...bills, admin, kid stuff, social organising.

He has always had anxiety. He used to take to his bed for days if something upset him (back door unlocked or something)

His grandad was in a home for a year. He never visited him once. He hasn't reached out to FIL at all. I've encouraged him to go and spend a weekend with his parents and ill manage the kids. He doesn't do any of it. He said to me last night "to be honest I'm not thinking of FIL. I'm just thinking about my own death". I said that I thought he should talk to a GP. He told me I was gaslighting him.

I'm bloody trying.

Oh OK. Sounds miserable. Good luck OP

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 10:44

I would end this marriage based on your updates. Your description of his hateful staring at you through the door gave me the shivers. He sounds really creepy and unsafe.

He needs to move out
Sort himself out
Give you space whether you can live with him any longer. The priority needs to be your feelings of safety.

Otterock · 07/03/2023 10:45

Im not mental health expert but after reading your first post I wondered if his grandads death had triggered some sort of psychotic episode and then I saw that his brother has schizophrenia. He’s probably just been a lazy entitled arse for years (going to bed for days sulking about an unlocked door is extreme though) but something has now been triggered. The change in his language is telling, talking about magic and it being the two of you against ‘them’. You say he’s also been talking to himself for a while is also worrying.

Id be concerned he’s teetering on the edge of a psychotic episode which could be dangerous for you and the children, especially as he’s been talking about death and looking at you with contempt. If he’s refusing help he’s probably not going to get it until he’s forced to and please don’t wait that long to get you and your kids to safety. He may never hurt you but he’s showing warning signs that he’s losing control.