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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
SecretSunflower · 07/03/2023 10:49

Ah, the pure love that transcends death - but not laundry. 😂

Kick his arse, OP.

Couldyounot · 07/03/2023 10:51

It's entirely possible to be struggling to process grief and be a massively self-absorbed twat, and he is demonstrating this quite neatly. Get some help or fuck off are the options for him here.

Freddiefan · 07/03/2023 10:57

I'm concerned about you OP. Do you have family who can help? When my daughter was having difficulties with her ex she phoned me and OH and I went straight round. My OH looked after the children and I looked after my daughter.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/03/2023 10:59

I'm afraid my view is that middle aged and older men start with the depressed card when they want to be excused from having to do stuff they don't want to do or are up to no good. My Hs excuse when I found out about an emotional affair years previously was that 'his mother was dying and it was something pleasant to give him a lift' and I didn't like his mother (which wasn't true) . The strange thing is he didn't seem depressed when doing stuff he positively wanted to do. My personal view is many men like the fun bit of relationships before kids and housework are on the scene- when it's all meals, sex, trips- once they are expected to contribute with domesticity then for them the relationship loses the rather unreal 'magic'

saraclara · 07/03/2023 11:00

SecretSunflower · 07/03/2023 10:49

Ah, the pure love that transcends death - but not laundry. 😂

Kick his arse, OP.

You find this funny? Have you read all of OP's posts?

That's absolutely nothing funny about someone in psychosis (and with small children) mentioning death and his love for OP transcending it.

Successgirl2022 · 07/03/2023 11:02

I would tell him he either gets help or we can't carry on like this.

oakleaffy · 07/03/2023 11:04

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

Has he been on the Weed?

It sounds an utterly teenagerish thing to say!

We are all eventually going to die. 93 shows your husband likely had good genes in that regard.

He needs to help out and not be such a drippy hippy.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/03/2023 11:08

femfemlicious · 07/03/2023 10:18

Oh dear...I have conversations with myself out loud😭

Show quote history

I do too but these were full on two way conversations, she’d answer herself as if there was another person in the room.

xJoy · 07/03/2023 11:13

wOW, so you don't get to have ''magic'' in your life. You OUGHT to be doing all the practical boring stuff so that he can feeeeeeeel magic?

That is delusional.

oakleaffy · 07/03/2023 11:16

@EyeEyeBoom Death of others..Especially blood relatives, brings home our own mortality.

I'd not have found his comments about ''Love transcending death'' worrying..as I too hope that 'Love transcends death'..One doesn't stop loving someone just because they are no longer alive.

However..your husband sounds selfish.
Worrying about his OWN mortality, and realising 'We are all going to die!' {Which is true} rather than actually grieving for his grandfather.

He sounds hard work.
{I see he doesn't smoke weed..but he sounds like that type of man..Lazy!}

Toomanyanimalz · 07/03/2023 11:17

MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:26

I’d be telling him that if he really thinks he’s depressed he either goes to see the GP or he can shut the fuck up.

Too many people claim to be depressed to justify them checking out of normal life and in many instances abusing those around them.

I have sympathy for anyone who is genuinely depressed and wants help to do something about it, but the term is thrown around to readily these days, and then people are expected to just walk on eggshells and put up with whatever treatment because “mental health”.

This 100%

BungleandGeorge · 07/03/2023 11:20

Could he be having an affair? Sometimes things are projected into partners due to
the guilt involved.

Elleviss · 07/03/2023 11:36

BungleandGeorge · 07/03/2023 11:20

Could he be having an affair? Sometimes things are projected into partners due to
the guilt involved.

At last. I wondered when this was going to be mentioned.
My ex lost a close relative who he never really spoke to and started acting strange and blamed his weird behaviour on the death of relative. He was saying strange stuff while he was preparing to leave me.

Look up limerance too because he may have been in limerance with you and now you halo is slipping and the magic has gone. Or he is in limerance with someone else.

The fact he has been looking at one bedroom flats should tell you this. He's checking out of your relationship.

seratoninmoonbeams · 07/03/2023 11:38

Dita73 · 06/03/2023 22:43

Sounds like he needs sectioning. The way you describe him looking at you while you were bathing your children is a bit scary

I agree and I wouldn't say that lightly. Especially with the family history. Talking about yours and his own mortality too is maybe understandable when you get to a certain age but talking about your DCs mortality Sad

Sighhhhh · 07/03/2023 11:43

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP and I’m really sorry your DH is going through this. I have a family member who showed signs of this and they were having a drug-induced episode of psychosis. I have another family member who is very unwell mentally (paranoid, violent, abusive) but refuses help and doesn’t trust their family. It’s scary and incredibly difficult and it makes you feel helpless.

Considering your DH’s family history, it makes sense to contact his GP. There is a lot of good information regarding how to help someone who is refusing help - e.g. www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/about-mental-illness/learn-more-about-symptoms/worried-about-someones-mental-health/

Maybe you cannot remain with your DH. Maybe he gets help and you can manage his illness while staying together. Whatever you do, you have to do what you feel is right for you. You can’t be everything to everyone at all times. If you need to go, do that.

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 11:52

Call the GP and ask them for help and advice
Let your friends and family know what is going on. You need much more support.
Are you comfortable calling his parents?

I think the time for complacent hope that he is going to turn things around is over.

I would not breathe a word of preparing to leave (if you are considering this option seriously) but do it silently in one fail swoop being sure to get the children and you to safety.

The more you have spoken about him, the more unstable he sounds. Don’t take the chance. It doesn’t need to be the end of your marriage or anything permanent but I don’t think you can stay with him op at the moment. You have tiny children - don’t risk it.

nofluffsgiven · 07/03/2023 11:59

It sounds like he's so deep in grief at the moment that he just doesn't see or acknowledge that he's not the only person with needs and feelings. His grief is making him selfish, nothing else in his mind is as bad as what he is going though . I don't think there is anything you can do apart from trying to persuade him to try get help from the GP.

MsRosley · 07/03/2023 12:00

God, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he, OP. Stop thinking about him and what he needs, which is what he wants you to do all the time. Think about what you need. He's just manipulating you with all this bullshit, and berating you for actually asking him to lift a finger. It's beyond me how you can live with such an arsehole.

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 12:03

nofluffsgiven · 07/03/2023 11:59

It sounds like he's so deep in grief at the moment that he just doesn't see or acknowledge that he's not the only person with needs and feelings. His grief is making him selfish, nothing else in his mind is as bad as what he is going though . I don't think there is anything you can do apart from trying to persuade him to try get help from the GP.

I just don’t buy that at all.
For goodness sake he has young children he needs to sort himself. Navel gazing is a luxury most of us don’t have !!

nofluffsgiven · 07/03/2023 12:05

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:17

I've been trying to get him to go to the GP for years. He tells me I'm gaslighting him by making him feel he needs to be "fixed"

He just told me how boring I've become because I dare ask him to help me round the house and I've ruined our "magic". I mean I saw that as pretty manipulative. He told me he wants me to "shut up about being unhappy or telling him to do stuff because it is affecting him"

Unhinged is unfair. And harsh. But I'm done in. And a bit scared about what he was saying about transcending death

I think if this has been going on for years then there is no reason why you should give him anymore grace. You're clearly not happy and he isn't prepared to help himself or help you. Maybe it's time to go you're lit separate ways

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 12:05

He is either seriously mentally unwell
Or he is a manipulative abusive selfish arse playing games with op, so she carries on being ’magic’ and doing everything.

Op is the only one that can call it.

nofluffsgiven · 07/03/2023 12:07

Sorry that's meant to say Go your separate ways 🙄 fat fingers. It's so annoying how MN won't let you edit

Treehappy · 07/03/2023 12:13

Dita73 · 06/03/2023 22:43

Sounds like he needs sectioning. The way you describe him looking at you while you were bathing your children is a bit scary

its not uncommon to have feelings of contempt / hate for their spouse! That’s a sign the marriage needs to end, not a sign of needing to be sectioned!

Georgyporky · 07/03/2023 12:17

I wouldn't call him unhinged, but a lazy, selfish, bastard seems appropriate.

WisherWood · 07/03/2023 12:20

Couldyounot · 07/03/2023 10:51

It's entirely possible to be struggling to process grief and be a massively self-absorbed twat, and he is demonstrating this quite neatly. Get some help or fuck off are the options for him here.

Indeed. And I think they feed off each other. One way I've found of coming through grief is to look around me at what others are experiencing and think about what they're going through. But if you don't do that, it becomes all 'woe is me, this is all about me, the universe if being terrible to me, I'm the only one whose 93 year old grandfather has died.' Whereas if you're not a self-absorbed twat in the first place, it's easier to put it in perspective and think 'this is sad, many people go through this, it's part of the cycle of life and for my family's sake, I need to process it'.