Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

[Tulip2478]

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

So your husband would repeatedly rape you as he thinks he doesn’t need consent? Not having consent is rape, regardless of whether you’re married or not. He’s also financially abusive? It’s no wonder you feel angry towards him, he’s awful.

God, at the start I was going to say maybe you need to talk to someone to work out how to manage your anger, but by the end I was horrified!

I‘m not surprised you harbour resentment, but I do wonder why you‘ve chosen to stay with him and have another child? He doesn‘t believe he needs your consent? He doesn‘t believe in depression? (does that extend to PND?). He minimises your feelings and makes you feel you‘re in the wrong.

He is not a keeper.

Your husband is a rapist, as well as being financially abusive and God knows what else.

Yet your post is about how your moods are impacting on him and how awful you are???

I think what you should really be asking is how to get out if this horrific relationship and how you can protect your children from this abuser, not how you can make him happier

You're married to a rapist

I was actually thinking about talking to someone to manage my anger but wouldn't know how to go about it. No matter what feelings I have toward DH I am being a horrible person to live with so do think I need help.

Your husband is the most likely cause of your mood swings. He is a rapist. Get rid of him and report him to the police.

@Tulip2478
This all sounds horrendous you need to speak to 111 ASAP and see an out of hours GP or at the very least first thing tomorrow morning;

As for being pregnant with a 3rd with your husband who thinks it's ok to rape you, why on earth are you having another child with him????????? That's just mental!!

I’m not surprised you’re angry. Use the anger to give you the strength to leave him. He’s not a good man.

This baby wasn't planned. To be fair to him he does not do it at all these days, only once while iv been pregnant and I'm not sure if he thought I was awake. I am trying to work hard on my marriage for the sake of the kids and this baby.

Your husband is financially abusive, emotionally devoid rapist. You are not the problem...

I know what you are all saying. I posted about my husbands behaviour last year bt have NC for this post because I didn't want to feel judged for staying. My DC3 wasn't planned at all. I really did not want another child, not to sound horrible. But I now feel like I have to do my best. Unfortunately my mental health has taken a turn for the worst. Its no excuse for my anger though. My husband does not get angry at all so I feel like I'm always the bad person. I hope it is just hormones and will stop when the baby is born but I am worried about how I will cope after. I have thought about separating but have nowhere to go and don't think I would cope.

The problem is not you - it's that he financially abuses you, doesn't respect your emotions or your consent. Anyone would be angry in your shoes.

@MumOf2workOptions can I ask what you mean about seeing the GP or calling 111? I'm not being purposefully naive I just genuinely don't understand?

Oh love. You’ve been financially abused and repeatedly raped. Now you’re pregnant by your rapist and the anger is coming out. This is righteous anger. Please don’t stay with this man. Go and talk to rape crisis. They won’t push you into anything but they’ll be able to get you access to counselling and help you if you do decide to go to the police.

You have a lot bigger issues being married to likes of him than your mood swings Op

Your mood Swings sound very valid and i strongly suspect will improve a lot when you get the out of this relationship and seek as much support as you can /deserve

This is Bonkers/ Batshit situation to have another child into really Op,

Surely you see this,

I know your sense of Normality is skewed ,

What has happened in your life to make you feel this is normal and acceptable @Tulip2478 ?
Seek to explore and find good effective Therapies to help support you to heal from whatever trauma ect has shaken your sense of self so much you settle for this

@Tulip2478
If you call 111 they have 24/7 mental health support they should be able to get someone to call you to give you some immediate advice - you sound like things aren't great but they offer all sorts of advice that can really help people and make referrals to the relevant teams - it's just an option over the weekend while you GP practice isn't open.
Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone 💐 in the first instance x

I read something yesterday and I can't ever where that talked about women's mental health. Especially after rape and sexual assault. Women ae often treated for poorental health or consodered tp have poor mental health. It's not poor mental health, it's trauma. The rage you feel is as a result of this man's behaviour towards you.

To be fair to him he does not do it at all these days, only once while iv been pregnant and I'm not sure if he thought I was awake.

To be fair to him?

So he's only raped you once this pregnancy? He didn't bother to find out if you were awake? Didn't bother to connect with you? Didn't bother to make sure you were OK with it or enjoying it?

Well, as long as he's only raped you once...

These are some serious mental gymnastics you are doing to maintain the charade of being in a relationship.

If you stay with him, how many more children will there be? How many more 'reasons' for staying? How many more rapes?

Start thinking about yourself and your well being.

I spoke to someone from women's aid last year. They were nice but didnt give me any practical advice or advise me to leave. I could never go to the police I don't think he deserves that. Like I said it hasn't happened in a while and the more I think about it the more I build resentment and I don't think it's doing me or my family any good.

I have experienced this uncontrollable anger, yes. I too am not naturally angry. I was also married to someone who dismissed my feelings. I was left to do almost everything for the children and I was permanently exhausted. Most mornings the only thing getting me out of bed was rage!

The first thing you can do is promise yourself no more children after this one. I had four: this was mainly my H's decision. By the time I was pregnant with my fourth, my health was deteriorating and I booked a sterilisation operation for as soon as possible after the birth because I felt it was the only way to be sure that I wouldn't get pregnant again. That's a drastic step, but for me it was worth it.

The second thing is to realise that your marriage is a failure because your H is not a partner to you. That doesn't mean you have to leave. But it helps, facing all the difficult days life is currently throwing at you, to know that this is not how it's supposed to be. You deserve love, and someone who loves you listens to you and values your feelings because they are important to you, no matter how irrelevant feelings seem to his own life.

I think, if you were able to find someone to talk to, it would help. It did for me. It was just so strange to talk to someone who listened and didn't dismiss or contradict. It made me stronger. It was a little secret strength I could take back to my family life.

Re. Financial abuse I'm not sure if its that. I didn't work until recently due to having children but he paid all the bills, food etc so I was lucky. He already had a mortgage as he is 17 years older. I work now tho part time and pay half the mortgage and have a bit of money to spend on myself and kids.

The rage you feel is natural. It is your body and mind raging at bring trapped in a pregnancy you didn't want with a man who rapes and abuses you.

I don't know why you stayed before but I don't judge you for it. Its hard to leave and many women stay at first, so please don't worry about that.

But you've had enough. You want out. That's what your anger is telling you - it's time to listen to your instincts, they're protecting you.

To be fair to him? He thinks it's fine to rape you, you don't owe him anything, you don't owe him fair. Of course you're angry, what he's done to you is horrific, not to mention illegal. He's put you through years of truama. The anger is everything coming out, fear, truama, grief, misplaced guilt. I won't pretend to understand what he puts you through. Stbxh told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, wouldn't discuss, expected everything to go on as normal while he made up his mind. We had a few times when I really really didn't want to. That's no where near what your dH put you through and it's still left a lot of truama, it's made me feel absolutely worthless.

Oh come on, you know very well it's him and not you. You need help to leave not to work on your marriage. I sincerely hope you get it

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas thank you for being so open and understanding. I definitely will not have a fourth there is now way I could cope. Yes I do feel I need to speak to someone I think it would have to be a stranger.

The anger is your survival instinct, fight or flight, kicking in. It's telling you that you need to fight or run for your life. There's nothing wrong with being angry with a man who's raped you, or with a situation you didn't want to end up in. It's time to get out of there, that's the only hope you and your kids have of a happy and safe life. This man is dangerous, yes he might be doing some housework and child rearing, and providing an income, but none of that is important compared to feeling safe in your own home.