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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

181 replies

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 10:55

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/03/2023 14:55

Him being blindsided isn’t your concern. Please please seek RL help. Get your own head straight and work out a plan. You deserve to be able to sleep at night without fear of being raped. You really really do.

shrubgreen · 05/03/2023 15:01

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 14:51

That's a ridiculous stretch insuinating my children aren't safe with him. Plz do not make comments like this again. Its not black and white between us bt he would never hurt my children.

Show quote history

I think @northernlight20 has a point. It's not a nice thought, but your husband is a rapist and there are child protection issues in having a sex offender living with children - it's irrelevant whether you think he would harm them. There's a duty of care here owed to your kids - and to yourself.

northernlight20 · 05/03/2023 15:05

shrubgreen · 05/03/2023 15:01

I think @northernlight20 has a point. It's not a nice thought, but your husband is a rapist and there are child protection issues in having a sex offender living with children - it's irrelevant whether you think he would harm them. There's a duty of care here owed to your kids - and to yourself.

Show quote history

thank you for clarifying it better than i could. had a night out last night, so, i have brain fog.

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2023 15:11

This is one of the most disturbing things I have read on here.

He is an absolute monster OP. He targeted a much younger woman, financially and emotionally abuses her, and regularly rapes her but has her convinced that isn't what he's doing and actually feeling bad. "Oh it's not too bad because he hasn't raped me much lately". It's appalling. He knows you don't like it and carried on. He is raping you.

The problem is not you being snappy. For your sake and your children's you NEED to see that. And no, you can't just say he isn't a harm to your children. Even if he never lays a finger on them, they are growing up witnessing his behaviour and your passivity about it. It will warp them, they will end up either acting like him, or like you.

I mean this kindly but you are in serious denial.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2023 15:21

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 13:05

I have thought about couples therapy but know he wouldn't be interested in that. I have thought about going to counselling myself to try and deal with and let go of my resentment.

Show quote history

NEVER go to couples therapy with him!

And if you go (and you need to) it shouldn't be to come to terms with anything, It should be to find the strength to get you and your DC away

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2023 15:23

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 14:51

That's a ridiculous stretch insuinating my children aren't safe with him. Plz do not make comments like this again. Its not black and white between us bt he would never hurt my children.

Show quote history

It's nothing to do with him hurting them,

He is hurting their mother. Your children are living with a rapist and you're not able to admit this. You need urgent help

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 15:26

If he is a healthcare professional he should be sacked and struck off; rapists do not belong in these professions. He is most likely abusing your children as well as his vulnerable patients. He belongs in prison.

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 15:27

... and you could be in trouble too for not reporting him. Are you a registrant?

sixfoot · 05/03/2023 15:29

He sleeps in a bed with one of your children?!

please PLEASE wake up, OP

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/03/2023 16:03

I don’t think these latest comments are helpful.

I would urge posters to think before they post. This isn’t a tv drama or gossip magazine - it’s someone’s real life, and at this point the cries of ‘he’s abusing your children’ are a big leap from the H’s control and abuse of his wife; no one has any evidence to suggest he is a paedophile or incestuous. And no I am not sticking up for him - I’m simply aware there is a an abused woman on the other side of this reading all of it, who is already worn down and emotionally drained, and the last thing I want is for her to be put off asking for help here because of people’s need for drama.

OP - one step at a time. First is the realisation that his behaviour is wrong. I hope one day you gather the strength to leave, but none of us are in your shoes and it’s easy to shout from the sidelines.

YukoandHiro · 05/03/2023 16:05

Yes you do have to do your best for this unplanned child. Your best is a life without a rapist for a husband and father. Deep down you know this.
Your body, your anger, is trying to get your conscious brain to acknowledge what you already know: to have a happy life for you and your children you have to leave.

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:06

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/03/2023 16:03

I don’t think these latest comments are helpful.

I would urge posters to think before they post. This isn’t a tv drama or gossip magazine - it’s someone’s real life, and at this point the cries of ‘he’s abusing your children’ are a big leap from the H’s control and abuse of his wife; no one has any evidence to suggest he is a paedophile or incestuous. And no I am not sticking up for him - I’m simply aware there is a an abused woman on the other side of this reading all of it, who is already worn down and emotionally drained, and the last thing I want is for her to be put off asking for help here because of people’s need for drama.

OP - one step at a time. First is the realisation that his behaviour is wrong. I hope one day you gather the strength to leave, but none of us are in your shoes and it’s easy to shout from the sidelines.

He might be your GP, or an intensive care nurse, or a consultant gynaecologist.

Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:12

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 15:26

If he is a healthcare professional he should be sacked and struck off; rapists do not belong in these professions. He is most likely abusing your children as well as his vulnerable patients. He belongs in prison.

This is absolutely uncalled for. He does not abuse his patients or my children. How dare you. How am I responsible?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:14

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:06

He might be your GP, or an intensive care nurse, or a consultant gynaecologist.

Show quote history

He is neither.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:16

This is exactly what happened when I posted last year. I was blamed constantly again and again. I was told I'm abusing my children too my staying with him. I have not had an easy life I was raised a jehovahs witness and taught to be passive I was sexually assualted at 20 and had to explain in detail to the men in charge. My father is also abusive if you didn't guess he was the relative I mentioned in my original post. I came here to get help and most people have been supportive but I don't think I will be telling anyone anything anymore.

OP posts:
Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:19

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:16

This is exactly what happened when I posted last year. I was blamed constantly again and again. I was told I'm abusing my children too my staying with him. I have not had an easy life I was raised a jehovahs witness and taught to be passive I was sexually assualted at 20 and had to explain in detail to the men in charge. My father is also abusive if you didn't guess he was the relative I mentioned in my original post. I came here to get help and most people have been supportive but I don't think I will be telling anyone anything anymore.

Very sensible; focus on getting support and advice in real life. Good luck.

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:20

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:12

This is absolutely uncalled for. He does not abuse his patients or my children. How dare you. How am I responsible?

Show quote history

Your husband is a criminal. If he has access to patients or clients, they are at risk from him. You are incredibly naive.

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:21

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:14

He is neither.

Show quote history

But he is a healthcare professional, and a rapist.

BrutusMcDogface · 05/03/2023 16:26

The more I read this, the more I absolutely despair for you. Does it help you see what’s really going on if you imagine your best friend/mother/sister or even DAUGHTER in the same position as you? Waking up to him anally penetrating you?? FFS!

Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:26

@Snoopinator what did you suggest I do about that then? Seriously?

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 05/03/2023 16:27

It is not your fault.

Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:28

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:26

@Snoopinator what did you suggest I do about that then? Seriously?

Report him to the police. Report him to the governing body of his profession. Report him to the LADO. Leave him.

BrutusMcDogface · 05/03/2023 16:28

Do you have any real life/family support?

Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 16:30

Thank you most of you who have replied. I am still not sure what to do next. I did not post simply because of issues with my husband but also because my mood is severe since I have been pregnant. I don't know how I could just leave with 2 kids and being pregnant, I would effectively be homeless. I think I might try and get therapy for now to atleast get some help on anger management and maybe discuss my marital problems.

OP posts:
Snoopinator · 05/03/2023 16:31

Ffs