Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

[Tulip2478]

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

Women's aid can't tell you to flee, but if you ask them for help to leave they will help. But they can't make that decision for you

I spoke to someone from women's aid last year. They were nice but didnt give me any practical advice or advise me to leave.

They won't advise you to leave. It has to be your decision, not something you do because you were told to by a charity. If you went to them and told them you need practical advice or someone to talk to once a fortnight or help leaving, they would be a great help in whatever way you've asked.

I definitely will not have a fourth there is now way I could cope.

But you didn't want this one. How can you be sure there won't be another unplanned pregnancy? You need to plan.

Thank you.

Op. You're choosing not to acknowledge what people are saying regarding your husband being a RAPIST and FINANCIALLY ABUSING YOU. Until you acknowledge that, nothing will change. Denial about abuse is usually one of the stages, but it does get increasingly worse and then your children will be in danger, if not already. Please listen to what posters are saying.

Why are you having another child with a rapist?

You're not a horrible person, you're a victim.

If you don’t have access to money then it’s financial abuse. There should never be a situation where the partner and mother of your child can’t book a haircut or get clothes that fit, or go out for a coffee with a friend- when you can and do, do those things. Obviously sometimes families are just broke. But that should be impacting the parents equally. It doesn’t sound like that was the case.

@philautia I don't always view him like that rightly or wrongly but like it said in my post the baby wasn't planned.

You said something about not wanting to be judged for not leaving. I get that, I really do.

So let’s just see if we can get to a place of seeing things for what they are.

Can you entertain the possibility that you don’t want to see how bad it is because then you might feel you have to leave. So minimizing how bad it is feels like the safer alternative? Right now, it seems you will excuse him everything and part of that is that he has trained you to do that. Can you acknowledge that in the quiet of your own mind. No need to tell us or say it out loud.

If you give yourself permission to see things for what they are, you may find that the anger at least is aimed in the right place and not at your kids. Right now your inner self is literally screaming at you. It’s no wonder despite your best efforts it’s boiling over.

Part of me really wants to leave. But it I have nowhere to go or anyone to turn too. I also know i wouldnt cope I think my depression would really make me struggle. Tbh my DH is a much better parent than me.

Well yes, wrongly.

But you have been told (and were told last year) that he is abusing you and he is a rapist. I genuinely mean this when I say that if my partner ever did this to me, he would wake up in the morning without the ability to do it again to anyone.

You should contact Women's Aid. They can help you get away from him. This isn't a healthy atmosphere for your children to be brought up in and you are carrying a child who will also get the stress hormones you are producing.

If you can't put yourself first, put your children first.

He is NOT a better parent than you. He is a horrible person.

You are doing your best and would be an amazing parent without him making you feel like this.

He is a better parent and anyone would think it if they knew us. I think a part of me wishes to draw a line under it all. Like i said he hasn't done anything in my sleep for a while. I just feel like I'm being the horrible one atm. He never bites back, he can be a bit passive aggressive but he doesn't raise his voice or get angry like me. If I can get over the resentment then maybe I can move on.

OP - lots of great advice on here. I’m also struck that he’s 17 years older than you. You don’t have to tell us your age or how long you’ve been together but I’m guessing that, if you did, it would show that you were a very young adult when you got together (say, early 20s) whereas he was late 30s. I’m guessing one of the things you’re realising as you get older - subliminally perhaps - is that he exploited and abused your youth as a means of controlling you and making demands of you that a woman closer to him in age would not tolerate.

Oh @Tulip2478 , sweetheart. You have been raped, repeatedly, by the man who is supposed to love you and look after you. It’s so sad to read that you think it’s your fault somehow, that your anger is making you hard to live with.

YOU are the victim here. It is not your fault. You and your kids deserve better. 😢 💐

I want to tell you as someone who has worked in a refuge that these are all almost universal tactics and I’ve seen hundreds of families they apply to-

• dad is lovely and well liked
• dad is reasonable one and kids prefer him to mum
• dad tells kids mum is unreasonable, mentally unwell etc
• mum is actually made mentally unwell through gaslighting behaviour
• ”no one would believe me, I barely believe it myself. Am I making this up?”
• relationship between kids and mum is damaged and fractured
• dad limits interaction with family or persuades them that he is the one holding everything together.

His rape and financial abuse of you came before your feelings of anger. You can tie yourself in knots trying to change yourself, but this won't change who he is.

You may have to ask a few times to get the right help, but there are people who will help.
Remember that any equity you have will be at least 50% yours after divorce. Remember that this is why universal credit applies. I can’t tell you what help would be best or if you should stay put or go to a refuge but I can categorically tell you that although it may be the hardest thing you will ever do, life will begin again once you are free from this man.

Did the raping you in your sleep stop once you got pregnant?

I think you've been coerced into the pregnancy to stop you from leaving and to control you.

@Dery I was 24/25 and he was about 41.

@ComeTheFckOnBridget something has only happened once in my sleep since iv been pregnant where I woke up and he was anally penetrating me bt then moved into the other hole (sorry if TMI). The thing is I don't react in anyway anymore I just laid there opposite him so I'm not sure if he thought he had the green light. We sleep separate a lot now or with 1 child each because my 2 year old is not sleeping well. It really only started in my sleep after my second was born probably because he was up all night and DH wasn't getting any sex. He's very sexual tho sometimes will js grab and touch constantly, doesn't show affection unless it turns sexual.

He's very sexual tho sometimes will js grab and touch constantly, doesn't show affection unless it turns sexual.

That's not OK.

I understand your thought process in saying that because you passively lay there he must have thought it was OK but that's not true. Consent is actively given, never taken.

I do understand how difficult it is to attempt to reconcile rape with behaviour that can make him seem like a considerate person the rest of the time, but however charming he is when he's not sexually assaulting you, it doesn't change the fact that it's still sexual assault.

This is what your anger is about. You're raging at the abuse.

Murder is still murder even if the murderer is polite. Rape is rape.

Rape is always rape.

Your anger will not go away until you're free from this relationship. Don't let him destroy you. You can find a way to leave. We'll help.

@Tulip2478 so you were a bit older than I initially thought but still very young and inexperienced compared to a man of 41. I can see that if he wanted children, he would be drawn to someone younger than himself, but I think it’s instructive he went for someone so much younger rather than, say, a woman in her early 30s.

As a poster said on another thread (having herself been in a relationship where she was the older party by about 20 years) - the younger party doesn’t know what they don’t know. As I recall, that poster had ended the relationship in the end because she was so uncomfortable with the power imbalance between her and the younger man. He didn’t even realise it existed. It was obvious to her, however.

I suspect your H deliberately chose a much younger woman whom he thought he could more easily control and command and as you get older you’re coming to understand this better.

Why do you not react anymore? Is it because he carries on anyway? Or becomes aggressive? You not reacting anymore is not you giving consent, it’s you giving in to prevent whatever happens if you refuse, and he knows that, he’s a rapist.

Starting with anal and moving to vaginal sex is a recipe for a nasty vaginal/urinary tract infection. The bacteria from the anal passage should be kept well away from
the vagina.

He doesn’t think of you as a proper person. He just thinks of you as being there to meet his needs. That’s what’s making you desperate.