Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

[Tulip2478]

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

No I am 26 weeks. I was referring to it happening in the past sorry.

@billy1966 I mean because the events happened in the past and not recently then I wasn't sure how they could help. Sorry I wasn't very clear.

The rape crisis service is for anyone and everyone whom have experienced a sexual assault at any point in their lives.

Ring them and let them listen and advise you as to what your options might be.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant?

OP - with the kindest & most gentle intent, may I correct your question for you?
"Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger about being serially raped?"

He told you he does not need your consent.
He is a rapist.
Of course you are bloody angry.

he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.
Why would you respect such an ignorant opinion, & such contemptuous dismissal of your wellbeing?

altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.
So he is financially as well as sexually abusive?

My husband does not get angry at all so I feel like I'm always the bad person

Oh he's angry all right OP.
He just indulges his anger coldly.

he keeps you short of money, he sexually assaults you, he called you a whore, he shared a compromising pic of you with a colleague ... (he should be struck off for that).

Please talk to your GP & ask for an urgent referral to counselling.
Be brave & explain a little of what you have posted here.
Tell her how you have no real life support due to the constrictions of your 2 close friends still being within the JW fold.
You need somebody to talk to - not, as you originally expressed, to manage your anger, but to help you make sense of how appallingly you are being treated, & what steps you can take to eventually get yourself into a better situation.

It is very common for abused women to minimise their abuse - it's a coping strategy. We also diminish how badly we have been treated, make excuses for the abuser, talk up his good points. It's a coping mechanism.
It's embarrassing to admit even to ourselves that we are victims.
Your posts are coming across as so ground down by him & his opinion of you & how dreadfully he treats you. Please don't feel I am trying to patronise you - I have been in a similar situation (coercive control, financial abuse) & it took me FAR too long to see the light & leave.

I am glad you have some respite by staying with your sister.
Focus on how much more relaxed & comfortable you feel without your H controlling you, belittling you, & making you worry about the next time he is going to force himself on you.
One day, with determination, support, & just by taking small steps toward it - you could have that freedom from him all the time.

You do not deserve to have to live like this.
Please keep posting for support.
Thousands of women have been in your position, & managed to get themselves out & into happier situations.
It's too early to bang on about the practical & financial ways you can achieve this, I just want you to know it is possible. You do not have to keep tolerating this abuse forever.

Yes, they can help.

They can give you emotional support, practical advice, possibly even be able to refer you for one on one counselling.

Please contact them, & your GP.
The first time you open up to trusted professionals is the hardest. It gets easier, especially when you realise how compassionate, engaged, & willing to help you they are. There are some remarkable people out there, waiting to help you OP.

Thank you all for you responses.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu thank you for your post and I am sorry that you went through that. I have self-referred myself through IAPT when I had PND, I wonder if I could possibly do this again. It would be difficult to hide counselling from my husband though.

Thank you. It's 15 years behind me now OP & I am stronger & wiser for it.

You don't need to hide the counselling from him. You can tell him that the GP has recommended talking therapy "for my depression". He might not like it, but he can't stop you from going.

You really need an external, neutral, professional perspective on your situation in real life. He has you so isolated, you need this support - please do all you can to access it.

And I know it sounds stupid but I don't know if I should speak to him about how I feel as I never actually have. And mention the things he does that I don't like. I have never had a proper discussion with him like that. As far as he knows we are happily married.

A man who refuses to hear a woman's "no", who calls her a whore, who benefits from her bearing his children but keeps her short of money, will NOT respond well to being told that woman is unhappy with him.

You have enough to process just getting your own head round the realisation that this is no way to live. You might be better off playing your cards very close to your chest until you have some real life support in place. This is the kind of topic you need to discuss with a counsellor. They will help you keep your feet on the ground, when you are ready to tell him what you find unacceptable, & he starts to punish & gaslight you for speaking up.

Come on OP, you are in complete denial and your body is trying to tell you that something is very, very wrong...

So you are living with a rapist who is 17 years older than you (often a sign that a man is looking for someone a bit naive who does not have good boundaries and will be easier to control/manipulate), he controls you financially and you are about to have a 3rd child with him.

You need to wake up and stop minimising his behaviour or try to find excuses for him.

This is not the right environment for you or for your children.

You need to leave.

Yes, things will be hard for a bit but change does not happen without some difficulties.

Do what you have to do: report him to the police for rape, tell them you are frightened and don't want him in the house anymore or if he won't leave/they won't help, take your kids and you go to a refuge. You are pregnant and have 2 kids so it is likely the council will rehouse you.

You really can be free if you want to but you have to get yourself out of that mess.

Thank you. Yes I decided a couple of weeks ago to try and put on a happy outward appearance and not say much. I am also worried that if I speak to someone professional they will judge me as a bad mum and view muly children as being in danger.

@Tulip2478

''know it sounds stupid but I don't know if I should speak to him about how I feel as I never actually have. And mention the things he does that I don't like. I have never had a proper discussion with him like that. As far as he knows we are happily married.''

Rapists don't care about how women feel.

They won't do anything of the sort OP.

You will be AMAZED at how much understanding & compassion is out there.

Your children aren't in danger, it's you who is being abused.
No professional will judge you, they will applaud you for seeking help.

I know people wouldn't understand it but I just couldn't call the police. Not yet. I still have a hard time processing it's an assault. And let's face it I have no evidence and nothing will happen.

Thank you. I will try to refer myself today or contact GP next week. I am dreading when the new baby comes so need to try and get a bit better now.

Well done Tulip.
Proper support will make ALL the difference.

I know people wouldn't understand it but I just couldn't call the police. Not yet. I still have a hard time processing it's an assault. And let's face it I have no evidence and nothing will happen.
I know sweetheart.
You have enough on your plate right now. This is your choice, & yours only - ok?
But I hope you understand that you never have to have sex with him again, right?
You do not owe him a single thing, let alone your body.

Just focus on you & the DC, one day at a time, & keeping yourself together as well as you can. Please also contact Womens Aid or Rape Crisis.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/
This needs saying again - it doesn't matter WHEN it happened, it doesn't matter whether you want to report or not - you WILL be heard. And I think that being heard is one of the most vital things you need in your life right now.

Your path forward will become clearer & clearer to you, especially once you have professional support & guidance on place. You will walk that path at your own pace, in your own time. Keep posting xx

I think your anger and resentment is entirely justified and not a ‘problem’ but a normal human response to the way you’re being treated!! Please tell your midwives what is happening they will help

@Unexpectedlysinglemum thank you for your message after I had posted so long ago. I got referred to the IAPT service and am now having behavioural therapy to deal with how my mind processes things. It's not done much so far but it has only been two sessions.

Good luck OP. Are you also addressing the abuse issues? Have you told anyone IRL?

@Wolfiefan there has been no more abuse. I am trying to focus on making myself happier and less angry but it isn't really working.

I doubt it will whilst you stay with someone who has abused you. So he’s behaving impeccably? Totally? For how long?

I was referring to the sexual activity in my sleep which has not been happening. I did talk to people via messaging service from domestic abuse helplines but I was never quick enough to reply so my conversation kept getting cut off more than once. I was signposted to a local organisation near me but it has closed down. I need to focus on the baby it will be here very soon and i am worried about how i will feel. The therapy i am having is aimed at changing my behaviours and way of thinking it is what the NHS offer for depression.

You absolutely need to focus on you and your baby. But abusers often ramp up the abuse when a baby arrives. You also need to get RL help and support and plan to be free of him.

OP,

You getting therapy to help you think differently about years of rape.

There is no therapy out there that is going to work on the mind to change how it feels about being raped.

Tell the therapist the truth.

You are getting therapy to shove down the pain of years of being raped by your husband.

Therapy cannot suppress what you are feeling.

You are wasting your time trying to suppress it.

Your anger is a symptom of depression from years of rape.

You poor poor woman.

My fear for you is that you will have a complete mental breakdown, or self harm.

This would be completely understandable as a desperate way to try an escape your rapist husband.

He is such a bad man.

You were absolutely targeted by him.

Unfortunately I absolutely believe he is capable of raping your children.

Men who rape their wives, have zero difficulty in raping their children.

They are utter sc who care only about their sexual needs being met.

He has zero respect for your body or the bodies of your children.

This is the truth.

Do not kid yourself that "he wouldn't do that".

He's a rapist.

His is devoid of any decency.

I too believe that vulnerable patients are at risk of him.

Rapists are opportunistic.

Rape in mental health settings by predator health carers, is not unknown.

You are mentally very vulnerable.

You will find the strength some day to face the truth about who you live with, and tell the truth about him.

Him sending sexual photographs of you, is just more abuse.