Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

[Tulip2478]

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

My mum and dad wouldn't want me to leave him let's put it that way.

Good luck, OP. Do talk to Women's Aid about therapy or just one of their workers to talk to regularly. Ask them about how you could cope on your own: it might be helpful at least to build a mental image of it being possible.

It would be hard, but it would be hard work without the anger and the constant self-questioning. And that's a huge thing to get away from.

@Tulip2478 sorry, I couldn't read and run on this one. You may not see it because you are the one in the situation but from an outsider's perspective, you have been sexually assaulted. Having sex with someone while they're asleep (whether married or not) is not normal behaviour.
You have done nothing wrong and you are not being blamed for anything. You do not deserve to be violated by your husband in that way. I saw you say that it would negatively affect your children if you leave however, I believe that when they are old enough to understand, they will have a lot more respect for you for wanting to get yourself and them away.
There is the possibility that this could be subconsciously contributing to your mood change/behaviour. Please do not dismiss the advice that all PP's are giving you. Please seek help sooner rather than later. You are pregnant and have young children so you will be put on the priority list for assessment/therapies

That's really tough. I'm sorry to hear how badly you've been treated. Is your husband also a JW? ie Are you still in that community?

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow thank you this is such a sensible and kind comment.

OP I think you’re asking for help to suppress your anger and emotions so that you can live in “happy” denial about the reality of your marriage and family, because facing the truth and ending things is too painful or difficult at the moment, but no one in their right mind is going to tell you anything other than you need to leave this man.

I hope that with time you can see the situation for what it is and make the decision to leave, even though it’s hard. I can tell that you’re desperately unhappy and that deep down you want to end things as you wouldn’t have posted here or contacted women’s aid etc, but it seems too difficult so it’s easier to live in denial, but you deserve so much better than this, you have options, you don’t have to stay married to a man who repeatedly rapes you and gaslights you into thinking this is normal or not that bad. Please speak to a professional about this and get some support.

No wonder you're feeling angry and resentful! This is your lizard brain, your gut instinct, acting: it knows that you are unsafe with this man, this rapist, and it's trying to tell you that deep down you are deeply unhappy.

Your h is a rapist. He has no compassion or care for you. He should be in prison.

Please listen to your inner voice.

Could you contact Women's Aid? They will be able to help.

Absolutely this.

Nobody can give you what you're asking for here.

Perhaps you are right. I am very scared to leave. I have no money nowhere to go. I am worried about the implications of me leaving on my children and myself. I know people will think i am horrible everybody loves my husband he goes above and beyond to help anybody. I worry that my husband will be heartbroken but also worry that he might turn nasty and let probate things out about me. I worry he will take the kids and stop them from seeing them or declare that I'm unfit. And on top of all that stress I have a baby on the way. I just don't see how can cope alone with three children, work and all the stress.

That he is a medical professional is even worse. If he doesn't think he needs to ask consent from you, his wife, before he rapes you anally, what makes you think he has any more respect for his patients?

Or your children?

If social services knew what he did to you, what do you think they would do, to protect your children?

He should not be working in healthcare. He should be in prison.

And please don't get counselling with an abuser. Separate counselling might be helpful to you.

Also couldn’t read this and not post.

I think it must be tough to hear that someone you’re married to has done something so bad, and it’s tempting to minimise this to yourself whilst you’re struggling to see an alternative future. Totally get all that. I had a fairly abusive boyfriend when I was young and have some insight into how you can pretend to yourself it’s somehow OK.

However as the wife of another healthcare professional I do think it has ramifications professionally and that shouldn’t be dismissed - my husband certainly feels the need to be well behaved outside of work (and not only because I’d wield a pair of loppers towards his person if he felt the need to wake me in that way). I don’t know what professional role your husband has but it’d be very likely he would have a certain amount of money to support you and the kids should you leave. Especially since the details of this should really come out - as a convicted rapist he’d certainly be struck off. To put it bluntly I’d be blackmailing him into some pretty decent maintenance (and yes I know this should be reported to his employer rather than used as a bargaining tool, but I think you need one).

But on a personal side you’ve been kept in place by firstly your parents and then by your husband. This is a journey which has to start somewhere and I think the first place would be in getting some help yourself so you can see exactly why people are saying what they are on this thread. At present it’s probably unthinkable and you’re responding to fellow posters with outrage, but usually with this many people agreeing it’s because they’re right.

I do feel for you, it’s like a bomb going off in your life admitting to yourself this is happening. You probably feel it’s easier to leave it as is. But you’re beating yourself up and that’s so unfair to you. Hence I really feel help is needed.

No he isn't. I wasn't supposed to marry him as I'm still officially a part of it but rarely attend services. Have stopped believing since i was an adult. It is an absolutely awful sect and I wish so much I wasn't brought up in it. My two best friends are still very much a part of it and I don't have any other friends which makes it difficult.

Wow, yes, that does sound difficult. See how you've done something in the past that your parents didn't want you to do, though? That took strength.

Call the police. Your husband will be arrested. You won't need to go anywhere.

This is a really brave post, OP. You are looking at your fears individually and naming them. That is a step forward from "I just can't" so well done. Every baby step forward takes you closer to a brighter future. It might take a while, but all you have to do is take a small step forward whenever you can.

So, to address some of these fears: most people outside the relationship don't really care about the reasons for a relationship break up. Lots of marriages end, and most people take the attitude that you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If he does talk ill of you, that might even backfire by making you look more dignified by not talking about it. People who "take his side" are not people you have to spend any time with. You can choose only to give your time to people who like you and add value to your life. I lost touch with a lot of people when I left the H I told you about earlier. But the few that remained were the ones that mattered.

How to help your children adjust: tell them it's not their fault it's happening and you and daddy both still love them. Arrange regular times that they will see him: maybe they can stay with him every other weekend. It is very tough to do that to begin with; on the other hand, it's an invaluable time to look after yourself so that you can be a better parent to them when they come back.

He might declare you unfit to be a mother. Men do this all the time: the courts have seen it all before. You take a deep breath and keep on going. You gather the evidence that you are a good parent with the best interests of your children at heart.

He might not return the children to you. Yes, this is a difficult one. You say he is a great guy that everybody likes. Would he risk his reputation by doing something extreme like this? Especially if you've offered a regular contact arrangement?

I'm not saying any of this to dismiss your concerns, or to put pressure on you to act before you're ready. Just take in some alternative viewpoints for now, and give yourself permission to think about them now and then. And if it's too much, give yourself permission to stop thinking about it for a while. Remember, baby steps. As long as you're moving forward, you're making progress.

I don’t blame you for being deeply, deeply resentful. Your husband is a financially controlling rapist.

He ‘shouldn’t need consent’? Are you fucking kidding me?

This.

something has only happened once in my sleep since iv been pregnant where I woke up and he was anally penetrating me bt then moved into the other hole (sorry if TMI)

You’ve gone from abusive family to abusive husband.

I am so utterly horrified that you can’t see anything really wrong with how he behaves, including the above.

You poor woman. Jesus.

He anally rapes his pregnant wife in her sleep.

And he works in healthcare.

I don’t think you can really lay into posters for being horrified by these two facts.

I work with domestic abuse survivors, that's what you are. It usually takes a good 7 attempts for a survivor to leave their abuser. I also know, and understand, that leaving your abuser is the most dangerous time for women so I know you can't take it lightly.

But, you do need to speak to an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate/Advisor, to help you navigate your future. Not all my women on my cases go on to leave their abusers, but sometimes it's just enough to enable them to take back some control of thr situation.

But, I also don't sugar coat my advice and so I am not going to do this to you now. OP, you and your children are in DANGER. Rapists rarely stick to just the one crime, whether they become a man who beats you up, or they start to rape their daughters because their wife pushes back, or they start to become more psychologically abusive, or they eventually become murderers.

Please seek help and advice ASAP.

@Snoopinator what is your problem?

Thank you. I definitely will contact women's aid again by message. I'm not sure if it was them I spoke to last time or a different charity. Thank you for being understanding. I realise another poster is getting very angry at me but it is very hard for me to compute everything. I haven't willingly caused this despite what she may think .

Why?