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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

181 replies

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 10:55

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 12:46

@dery I know that and so does he we are both healthcare professionals he is a much higher level than me.

OP posts:
Dery · 05/03/2023 12:49

Yet more evidence that he really doesn’t care about you then.

Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 12:49

@ComeTheFckOnBridget I have never really reacted ar the time but have said previously how I don't really like it. I'm such he is aware sometimes a she has made comments such as joking that I must be sore because I was dry, or moaning saying I'll make him sign a consent form next. Sometimes he's flat out denied it or says he can't remember. Bt like I said it hasn't happened in a while until that last time.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 05/03/2023 12:51

He is a better parent, he earns more, he is at a higher level at work.... but he is still a rapist.

Sometimes if you want to rebuild on safe foundations, you have to destroy dangerous old ones first.

MaryMedina · 05/03/2023 12:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. - previously banned poster.

Sugargliderwombat · 05/03/2023 12:56

After raping you he deserves whatever anger you are giving him and more.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 05/03/2023 13:05

Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 12:49

@ComeTheFckOnBridget I have never really reacted ar the time but have said previously how I don't really like it. I'm such he is aware sometimes a she has made comments such as joking that I must be sore because I was dry, or moaning saying I'll make him sign a consent form next. Sometimes he's flat out denied it or says he can't remember. Bt like I said it hasn't happened in a while until that last time.

So this is him dismissing and belittling your refusal, making you sound unreasonable and blaming you for any discomfort ("you must be dry").

Your lack of reaction when it happens doesn't mean you are to blame for him going ahead. You are NOT. Understand this: there is no confusion here. There is no blurred line. He knows what he is doing is rape, he just wants to make you doubt it and he will try every trick in the book (crying, anger, blame, confusion...).

Passivity in the face of sexual assault and rape is normal and is a survival response, it is never an indicator of consent.

He knows this. His derisory comment about signing consent forms shows that he knows this because it demonstrates his awareness that consent has to he actively given and that he has read the publicised or dramatised cases of rape in the media.

He is very much aware that what he does is wrong and abhorrent, but by dismissing, belittling and turning it round on you he attempts to get away with it.

Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 13:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. - previously banned poster.

I have thought about couples therapy but know he wouldn't be interested in that. I have thought about going to counselling myself to try and deal with and let go of my resentment.

OP posts:
AllyArty · 05/03/2023 13:11

You have found yourself in a horrible situation and you need help and support and kindness. If I were you I wd make an appointment at the GP, write down bullet points so u don’t forget anything.
Sorry if I missed anything in your posts but have you asked yr DH for joint accounts, access to his account etc.?
DH should not be penetrating u when u are asleep or half asleep.
Your anger is totally understandable. Maybe you have unresolved issues, maybe not but your DH certainly does and u are not to blame. He is to blame. Look after yourself and you DCs. Sending hugs 🤗.

labamba007 · 05/03/2023 13:12

Imagine a friend said to you that her husband rapes her while she's sleeping, what would you advise your friend to do? OP this is not normal. Your husband is a rapist. Please, please leave him.

sixfoot · 05/03/2023 13:19

My jaw is on the floor. He is a rapist and you are being seriously sexually assaulted regularly.

Police. today. Ask for a female officer and tell them what has been happening.

‘only once’ This pregnancy?! You are completely minimising rape!

Elsiebear90 · 05/03/2023 13:23

Not surprised he doesn’t want to go to couples counselling because he would be exposed as a rapist. Have you experienced abuse before being with him or did you have mental health problems prior to this relationship? You sound very very deep in denial and are blaming yourself for not being okay with being abused rather than blaming your abuser.

I am wondering if he knew you were vulnerable and targeted you specifically. His behaviour is very predatory and if he is a senior health care professional (a doctor?) then this is even more concerning.

Don’t for one second think he doesn’t know you’re not consenting, he even told you himself he thinks he shouldn’t need consent. Sex without consent is rape and you do not need to be okay with this, no counsellor is going to tell you how to be okay with your husband raping you because it’s not okay. You know this deep down.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/03/2023 13:27

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/03/2023 11:32

I have experienced this uncontrollable anger, yes. I too am not naturally angry. I was also married to someone who dismissed my feelings. I was left to do almost everything for the children and I was permanently exhausted. Most mornings the only thing getting me out of bed was rage!

The first thing you can do is promise yourself no more children after this one. I had four: this was mainly my H's decision. By the time I was pregnant with my fourth, my health was deteriorating and I booked a sterilisation operation for as soon as possible after the birth because I felt it was the only way to be sure that I wouldn't get pregnant again. That's a drastic step, but for me it was worth it.

The second thing is to realise that your marriage is a failure because your H is not a partner to you. That doesn't mean you have to leave. But it helps, facing all the difficult days life is currently throwing at you, to know that this is not how it's supposed to be. You deserve love, and someone who loves you listens to you and values your feelings because they are important to you, no matter how irrelevant feelings seem to his own life.

I think, if you were able to find someone to talk to, it would help. It did for me. It was just so strange to talk to someone who listened and didn't dismiss or contradict. It made me stronger. It was a little secret strength I could take back to my family life.

Absolutely this.

I don’t judge you for not leaving.

But do yourself one favour - stop blaming yourself for your rage. You are angry because your husband treats you very badly. This is not your fault.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 05/03/2023 13:37

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/03/2023 13:27

Absolutely this.

I don’t judge you for not leaving.

But do yourself one favour - stop blaming yourself for your rage. You are angry because your husband treats you very badly. This is not your fault.

Show quote history

You are angry because your husband treats abuses you very badly

Fixed it.

Wolfiefan · 05/03/2023 13:38

He has repeatedly raped you and said he shouldn’t need consent.
You don’t try and overcome your anger and resentment. You use it to help you leave.
Womans Aid won’t tell you to leave. But you should.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 05/03/2023 13:41

I realise it’s probably too far a leap for you to tell yourself your husband is a rapist. So
if we leave that aside for a moment:

Can you accept within yourself that your body is not just a series of holes for him to try out at will?

Can you accept that whatever his needs are, you are also a human being who has needs? And sometimes those needs include not being touched or penetrated, but being left alone safely?

Can you accept that a husband should also put his wife’s needs into consideration?

Can you accept that whatever his sexual desires are, he is able to choose not to act on them if he so wishes, and furthermore it is his responsibility not to act on them if it is not suitable for you?

Please think on this.

I think he is a huge factor in causing your PND.

I do not believe he is the better parent.

I do not believe you are angry because you are crazy.

I do believe he manipulates, coerces, and gaslights you at the very least, and has very little interest in your needs as a human being.

Felicity42 · 05/03/2023 13:43

Go to counseling. Has your workplace got an Employee Assistance Scheme? That is a confidential service and you will get some counseling sessions.

Echobelly · 05/03/2023 13:50

I think it's also pertinent how you ended up with unplanned baby - if it was contraception failing, then ok, happens. If it's because he refused to use contraception or didn't let you use it, that's another level of issues.

midlifecrash · 05/03/2023 13:58

no legitimate counselling would allow you to “let go of your anger” for being abused, when your abuser is still there, does not see it as abuse and it is still happening or could happen again at any time

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 05/03/2023 14:03

Echobelly · 05/03/2023 13:50

I think it's also pertinent how you ended up with unplanned baby - if it was contraception failing, then ok, happens. If it's because he refused to use contraception or didn't let you use it, that's another level of issues.

Or because he raped her without using it

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 05/03/2023 14:20

Your anger is justified.

No further advice my love, but sending hugs 🤗. Flowers

northernlight20 · 05/03/2023 14:49

omg, I cant believe what im reading. this is very disturbing! and did you say you sleep separately with a child each?? so, your rapist husband is sleeping in bed with a child all night on his own? this man is a monster and i do hope you can wake up and protect your kids from living with this monster.

Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 14:51

northernlight20 · 05/03/2023 14:49

omg, I cant believe what im reading. this is very disturbing! and did you say you sleep separately with a child each?? so, your rapist husband is sleeping in bed with a child all night on his own? this man is a monster and i do hope you can wake up and protect your kids from living with this monster.

That's a ridiculous stretch insuinating my children aren't safe with him. Plz do not make comments like this again. Its not black and white between us bt he would never hurt my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulip2478 · 05/03/2023 14:52

I wouldn't know where to start with leaving hi...he would be totally blindsided and I have nowhere to go anyway. It would really effect the kidd as well more than staying.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 05/03/2023 14:54

since you are determined to stay, i have no advice but to wish you all the best