Help! Worried I am destroying my family.

[Tulip2478]

Hi everyone. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with Dc3 and am being a nightmare to live with! This is especially impacting my DH I feel. I have suffered from the worst mood swings I have had. Some days I feel I don't want to be here at all, and feel rage like never before, I'm not normally an angry person at all. I snapped at DH again today, and the kids. The kids never sleep through, I'm thoroughly exhausted but it was no excuse. He makes me more angry because he just says he will ignore me when I'm like this. He doesn't talk about feelings ever. I suffered from PND after my first two, and also had family issues and had to be interviewed by the police regarding a close family member and allegations of SA. He does not ever ask how I feel however, he does not deal well with feelings and doesn't really believe in depression. I do try and respect that.

I also feel my anger toward is worse because I secretly harbour resentment over things he has done in the past. After our second child he would often penetrate or have full sex with me while I was sleeping or half asleep, my DC used to wake up every 2 hours. I have told him this is not OK but he wud just joke about me overreacting and saying he shouldn't need consent etc. I also had no money for myself when we got married and altho I appreciate he works so hard I never had access to money which made me feel resentful.

Has anyone had any experience of this uncontrollable anger while being pregnant? How can I let go of the resentment of my husband? I am worried i am tearing my family apart.

@Snoopinator you come across as a judgemental victim blamer.

Sweetheart you are being systemically abused. It's normal to react the way you are because you have been conditioned to accept this behaviour by your upbringing and you weren't able to protect yourself from a man who almost certainly would have been attracted to you because you are so vulnerable (I knew he would be much older than you.)

I hate to say it, but I wonder how pregnant you are? (Sorry if you have said already). Would an abortion be an option?
It's a well known pattern that abusive men will try and father lots of children to prevent their partner being able to leave.
I'm also concerned that if you can't keep yourself safe from him (this is not a judgement!) then how can you keep your children safe from him? A rapist should not be sleeping in a bed with a child.

I'm not an expert, but I really think you need to go to the police, I assume they won't press charges if you don't want to. I'm not a fan of the police at all, but the culture has improved (ask for a female officer) and abuse is taken much more seriously these days.

I don't want to add to your despair, but if you are resigned to this life for yourselves, please think of your children. If he has this much control over you, there are no safe guards for them. Children can be very loyal and resilient and hide the signs they are being abused very well in a lot of cases, it's a survival thing - the same way you have compartmentalised your abuse and rape.

There is support out there, but there is no angel or fairy godmother who can magically make it all easy. Only you have the power to change things. Only you are looking out for your children. But reach out and there is help out there. Even if you can't do it now, which we all hope you can, but some day soon.

Forgot to say the reason to go to the police is not to report the crimes against you, but to get help. The police can signpost services for you.

@ponyinmud thank you for your message. I am 23 weeks pregnant. Abortion is not an option but I don't think I could have done it anyway. I was thinking of contacting women's aid instead of the police. Do you think they will be able to offer similar advice?

I hated to ask, and you are completely right to do what's best for you.

Re women's aid, I'm not sure, I assume they would be great if you are ready to go, but I guess there's not much they can do or advise if you are staying.
It's not your behaviour that's causing this, and they have no influence over him so they won't be able to help if you choose to stay, just be there for the next time.

but I guess there's not much they can do or advise if you are staying.

This is not true. They help many women who are not ready to leave - it's a process, after all.

Please do get in touch with Women's Aid. They are the experts, they can signpost you to additional support. Just be specific about what you want from them.

Morning.
My stomach has been it knots all night. DH isnt really talking to me he slept downstairs last night. I think he knows I am unhappy with my mood yesterday. I have followed the advice to look into stuff. I have been reading info on women's aid website. I still struggle to term him as an abuser because there is a lot of things signalling abuse that he doesn't do. I am worried about mine and my children's future. I go on maternity leave in June and will get pay for 9 months but have to return to work after that. This is also worrying me because if I do leave I don't know where to go and also my daughter is due to start school in September. I am at work today and have an awful feeling of dried and feel so teary.

So he raped you and is coercive and controlling.

No wondered you're so angry.

Start a divorce and start a new life

Fantasist? Are you saying I am lying? Do you say this to all victims of abuse?

Thank you for your help for those who have been so kind. I am going to ask for this to be taken down now as I'm being accused of all sorts which is making me feel far worse. I know that most people will have the same opinion of me when i leave DH. I plan on speaking to someone professional later today when it's safe for me to do so. Thank you again.

@Tulip2478 sorry. I reported that. I believe you. I support you. X

Oh op you have an awful lot to deal with, please take the kind and helpful advice here and go from there. (ignore the nastiness)
I second contacting Womans Aid, finding out what benefits you would be entitled to should you leave at some point, and also please take some time to keep reading about what constitutes abuse.
He is undeniably a rapist and your feelings of anger are as a result of what he has done in the past to you. Try and get individual counselling to help you work through this.
You have done nothing wrong, and are not in any way responsible for his behaviour, you are young and he groomed you to not say no, but it is still sexual abuse.
Please keep posting as you can get good advice and support here.

@Wolfiefan thank you x

Your anger is righteous - you are being sexually and financially abused at the very least. It is normal to feel anger about that.

I'm glad you're speaking to someone professional today, I really hope it leads somewhere positive for you.

I'm sorry you've received nasty messages on this thread, how very disappointing there are some vile sorts around. Pay them no mind. I hope the support other posters have given you has been helpful at least.

I believe in you too. Well done For reading up and contacting WA, it can’t have been easy

Small steps tulips. It doesn’t matter how small they are, just start heading in the direction you want to go.

x

I do hope you’ve found some support here. Even if the steps are small you just have to keep making them. Move onwards and upwards to a better future.

Your anger is absolutely understandable based on what you’ve just described. Your husband repeatedly raped you and financially abused you. I think you need to get some professional advice.

Do you want to have another child with him?

@Tulip2478 I am horrified by the many ways in which you have been wronged by family members and by your husband. While I do not know you, I firmly believe that you better than you think, simply because being on the receiving end of the behaviours you describe would make anyone undervalue themselves.

The good news is that this can be changed, and by posting here, you have taken some important steps towards care for yourself and for your children. Even though some people have been unkind and unhelpful, others have given you some validation and some sound advice.

I hope that you will continue to seek other perspectives on your situation, and that you will come to see that you and your children deserve and can have a much better life.

@YankeeDad thank you for your post. I was planning on contacting women's aid yesterday after work but unfortunately recieved a phone call from my sister who told me she has just been told she cancer. So obviously my mind was everywhere. We are both off work today so I cannot speak to them today.

@Tulip2478 I am so sorry to hear that!

In any event, nobody is owned any explanation about when you end up calling Womens Aid or anyone else. I hope that when you do call them they will be helpful, and even if they are not, then I hope that you will be persistent and keep trying different resources until you find someone who is able and willing to help you in the way that you need.

Best of luck!

I recall your earlier posts, you poor woman.

Mentally you know what he is doing is wrong but it is very hard to accept that.

Of course you don't want to admit your husband is a rapist.

He absolutely is though.

This is not a good man.

He is financially controlling and he absolutely knows what he is doing.

He also targeted you for your youth, vulnerability and innocence.

Abusive older men do this.

I also know it is hard to imagine that he is capable of other crimes, but men who rape have such a lack of a moral compass, they are indeed capable of a lot of wrong doing.

Rape is about power and control and he likes that feeling.

It is not hard to imagine a man that enjoys power and control exploiting their position with children and vulnerable patients.

OP, I can assure you that if you walked into any police station and told them that your husband and the career he is in, has raped you repeatedly, they would absolutely be suspending him on pay while it was being investigated.

Good men do not have sex with their unconscious wives.

Well done for ringing Women's aid.

I am so sorry that life is so hard for you.

Don't beat yourself up for being resentful, your gut is trying to protect you, and the bottom line is you have every reason to feel like this.

I’m so sorry for your news. I hope you and your sister can support each other. Stay safe. He can’t see your MN posts can he?

Hi. I'm not sure if anybody is still following this thread. Just thought I'd give a bit of an update. Me and the kids went to see my sister in another country as she had an urgent operation for ovarian cancer and has a 5 year old son, so needed practical help. I hadn't got round to getting in touch with anybody until yesterday, where I messaged women's aid while my H was in bed. She gave me a number for my local IDAS, but I have found out that the branch is closed. I also have the rape crisis number but wouldn't know what to say as its not like I need immediate help.

I am still not sure where to go from here practically. As I have no money at all or savings. H doesn't even know I am unhappy so I wudnt know how to go about negotiating a separation. I feel very heightened about his behaviour and find it hard to not be overly critical, but notice more and more his passive aggressive putdowns, we have new neighbours and he made a comment about me fancying the husband which I knew he wud, and jokingly calling me a whole etc. It feels very stressful and lonely especially now my sister is ill and I am pregnant. I also worry he will use stuff against me altho I don't think he would. I found a compromising photo of me he sent to a colleague last year. I cannot say what on here because I know I will be judged, but people wud think bad of me if they knew.

You poor woman.

I'm sorry things are so hard and your sister is unwell.

Rape crisis is for people EXACTLY like you.

People contact the Rape crisi service years after an assault.

Please call them.

Would you consider a termination?