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Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 17:14

Would it have been okay when she was the main breadwinner to leave her clothes on the floor for DH to pick them up? Who knows maybe she had already financed more in their life than he has.

When DH and I bought our first house together I put substantially more into the deposit than he did as I had greater equity in my old house than he had in his. I then became SAHM when had DC. Before becoming SAHM our earnings were pretty even. With the large deposit we have now paid off our mortgage. Have I contributed to our finances?

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 17:28

All I ask is for washing to be put in washing machine so I can get it washed and ironing done over weekend and family bathroom is tidy

How is anyone even arguing against this. 🙄

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 17:58

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 16:55

@TwinsAndTiramisu you seem to resent women who don't go out to work. You seem to think that if a woman doesn't go out to work they should do EVERYTHING ELSE. Day. Evening. Night. Week days. Weekends. Everything all the time and they should shut the f up as they are not bringing in the money And as you have said countless times, this means she doesn't work. Because work only counts if it brings in the money. Christ alive there are still people who think like this

That's quite the misunderstanding you have there from the posts I've made. You've missed the point entirely.

I would say your stance is "look at everything OP does" when actually one of the most crucial parts of family living, is enough money to live on, yet it's ok that this is "all" DH does. OP is some sort of hero who goes to the shops (every day, for some unknown reason, what a waste of time) and does errands for her mother, then housework after lunch, in the empty house while both children are in full time education.

It's actually, she contributes zero in a very important area. And DH contributes zero in the other.

If she contributes nothing to financing herself, DH or either of her children, but quite happy for DH to take the whole responsibility, then why is it such a problem for DH to view the same re OP and housework? Because that's what's happening.

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 18:26

For anyone who judges SAHPs: I hope you are a net tax contributor because if you aren't, you are also being funded by someone else.

For context, nearly half of all women don't earn enough to pay income tax. And of course, paying income tax doesn't necessarily make you a net contributor because if you've used state schools, the NHS, claimed child benefit, or used any of the many public services then you may well still be an overall drain on society despite holding down a job, depending on how much you've earned vs how much you've taken.

A SAHM like the OP who was previously a high earner may actually have paid more into the system than you, in fact.

Just something to think about for those talking about "financial independence" like it is a virtue.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 18:28

@TwinsAndTiramisu , your partner is at home during the week, OP's isn't. She's not expecting him to do housework, just not to leave clothes on the bathroom floor.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 18:30

I guess more so that when at the weekends childcare is shared, during the week, the children are in full time education, it's not that financial contribution trumps everything, but that if you're doing zero in that respect, while the other person does 100% for both of you, it's quite hypocritical to then complain they aren't doing part of other household work

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 18:37

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 18:30

I guess more so that when at the weekends childcare is shared, during the week, the children are in full time education, it's not that financial contribution trumps everything, but that if you're doing zero in that respect, while the other person does 100% for both of you, it's quite hypocritical to then complain they aren't doing part of other household work

Because DH gets time off from his job every evening and weekend. When does OP get time off from hers? And please don't say she hasn't got a job. That sort of talk has been left behind with the dinosaurs.
And don't say the snatched bits of time between chores is her time off so she should be happy to work all weekend picking up DHs crap all weekend.

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 18:39

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 18:30

I guess more so that when at the weekends childcare is shared, during the week, the children are in full time education, it's not that financial contribution trumps everything, but that if you're doing zero in that respect, while the other person does 100% for both of you, it's quite hypocritical to then complain they aren't doing part of other household work

It only works if during the weekend they share ALL work. Otherwise OP doesn't have a weekend. And seeing that he can't even put his clothes in the laundry or pick them off the floor I think we can safely assume he does nothing around the house

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 18:42

Reading this thread has made me very grateful that both my DH and I are content to live with a little mess.

Being tidy seems really stressful.

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 18:42

@TwinsAndTiramisu no one is suggesting the OP leaves all the housework for the weekend and then Demands dH does it. We are saying during the weekend he does his share of dealing with day to day stuff that occurs during the course of the day. Putting his clothes in the laundry. Not just dumping them on the ground. Wiping up after himself in the kitchen. Cooking or Cleaning dishes or stacking the dishwasher. The OP has not complained about cleaning the house all week. It's the daily stuff that occurs over the weekend that he should be involved with during the weekend so that it's a shared weekend.

Hadjab · 04/03/2023 18:59

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:18

I don't think I should have to ask him to tidy after himself , but I don't think I should do it either .

I agree but can't he just do it in his own time? why on your schedule?

Bloody weird attitude. Why should she be tripping over his clothes left strewn about?

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 19:08

@Hadjab , things left on the floor are a tripping hazard. Tripping over discarded clothing in a bathroom might result in someone injuring themselves.

DCat takes great delight in lying at the top of the stairs waiting for a potential victim. DCat would probably have picked up a sock or underpants and hidden it.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 19:33

I guess it's each to their own. I see Mon - Fri, DH covering 100% financial responsibilities for everyone in the household. OP provides 100% household responsibilities. Then at the weekends, DH is still providing 100% financial responsibilities, (standard bills plus all social aspects, DC's clubs,) and 50% childcare. OP provides 50% childcare, but wants DH to do household responsibilities also. Why should one person take on both responsibilities, whilst the other still only takes one. Different if OP was contributing financially as well. Or if she was doing childcare other than wraparound care for a 9yr old, whilst spending the rest of the day child free. It's not a taxing day to go shopping every morning, then to your mum's and not do any housework until the afternoon, in a house that has got no one else in it or making it untidy. So if someone else is working full time, in order for her have such a relaxed schedule, it wouldn't be particularly unreasonable for her to pick up some clothes. That's just my opinion though.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 19:37

Yes @TwinsAndTiramisu , just your opinion, and you don't seem to have read the OP's posts. She does not expect him to do housework.

Hadjab · 04/03/2023 19:39

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 19:08

@Hadjab , things left on the floor are a tripping hazard. Tripping over discarded clothing in a bathroom might result in someone injuring themselves.

DCat takes great delight in lying at the top of the stairs waiting for a potential victim. DCat would probably have picked up a sock or underpants and hidden it.

Yes, I agree, which is why I thought that poster was weird to ask why OP’s DH couldn’t pick up his clothes in his own time

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 19:42

I can picture DP in the bathroom tripping over my clothes coming out of the shower. He can't see further than the end of his nose without his specs. He'd probably crack his head open on the washbasin.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 19:45

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 18:37

Because DH gets time off from his job every evening and weekend. When does OP get time off from hers? And please don't say she hasn't got a job. That sort of talk has been left behind with the dinosaurs.
And don't say the snatched bits of time between chores is her time off so she should be happy to work all weekend picking up DHs crap all weekend.

Show quote history

But it's not snatched time between chores is it.

She's shopping every morning. What a waste of time. Just do a weekly shop like most people, who actually are too busy to go shopping every morning. Then she's at her mum's. Then lunch. She doesn't do any in house chores until the afternoon. No one has been in the house needing supervision, or making mess, so just how dirty is it since her afternoon of chores the previous day? One DC is 3yrs off being an adult. Both DC are in FTE. She's hardly a SAHM providing childcare. She just doesn't work, more akin to a homemaker. Most women working full time could meet OP's responsibilities with little difficulty. The fact she takes a full day, 5 days a week to do the same doesn't mean there's actually anything more.

This isn't about placing no value on what she does. There absolutely is. But is certainly doesn't take the time she allocates to do it. Unless of course she's in a 14 bed stately pile in the country that's a full time job to clean.

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 20:04

@TwinsAndTiramisu but nothing she does during the week has any impact on the problem. Why is this so hard to understand. All she wants is for him to clear up after himself. That's it. That and not have a shitty and snappy attitude. How can you even argue with what she wants. She just doesn't want him to be a slob or expect her to pick up after him. He's not a child. You would expect a child to pick up after themselves. That's not housework. That's just a normal expectation if people sharing a home. Have higher standards of those around you.

FrenchBoule · 04/03/2023 20:15

@TwinsAndTiramisu are you for real or do you just enjoy trolling?

Most women working full time could meet OP’s responsibilities with little difficulty

You forgot to stick the broom up OP’s arse to sweep the floor behind her as she goes

Go back to your cuckoo land🙄

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 20:17

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 20:04

@TwinsAndTiramisu but nothing she does during the week has any impact on the problem. Why is this so hard to understand. All she wants is for him to clear up after himself. That's it. That and not have a shitty and snappy attitude. How can you even argue with what she wants. She just doesn't want him to be a slob or expect her to pick up after him. He's not a child. You would expect a child to pick up after themselves. That's not housework. That's just a normal expectation if people sharing a home. Have higher standards of those around you.

As a reverse;

Where as everything he does during the week pays for her and the house she lives in, he's not even there to benefit from everything he provides. All he wants is for her to pay for one takeaway every weekend. All he wants is a 1% contribution compared to the 99% he makes in this area. He shouldn't have to endure the shitty attitude that she can't afford it. She's not a child. You would expect an adult with the ability and time to work, not to consider themselves exempt from any living expenses. One takeaway isn't financially providing. Have higher standards Smile

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 20:20

@TwinsAndTiramisu so just to clarify, you think he should not have to lift a finger. Not put his coffee cup in the dishwasher, not pick up his pants. Not clear his plate. Nothing. Because he pays the bills. So you feel he should do less than one would expect from a child. Is that what you are saying? Sorry I need clarification as it blows my mind that anyone thinks like this.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 20:22

@TwinsAndTiramisu , where has OP mentioned a takeaway?

jannier · 04/03/2023 20:29

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 15:21

OP should get a job and outsource domestic stuff to a cleaner/housekeeper or nanny.

You either have to do it yourself or work to pay someone else.

sometimes I think people think a SAHP (to older children) is like the ‘sunlit uplands’, have your cake of no employment, and eat it too by not being responsible for domestic drudgery. And then be surprised that the earner wants to be looked after.

Guys who are stay at home dads get called cocklodgers for that.

(Of course, whatever arrangement works when both partners are happy, but here that is not the case).

Did you read that it's the husband who told her working wasn't possible when she found a job.....why in your esteemed male opinion would that be?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 20:32

FrenchBoule · 04/03/2023 20:15

@TwinsAndTiramisu are you for real or do you just enjoy trolling?

Most women working full time could meet OP’s responsibilities with little difficulty

You forgot to stick the broom up OP’s arse to sweep the floor behind her as she goes

Go back to your cuckoo land🙄

If OP takes 5 full days to do what a woman working full time would do in the evenings, it's not my fault for pointing it out.

The only thing OP covers that a FT worker doesn't is the wraparound care for the 9yr old. A FT worker would have to use a childminder or school club. The rest, is a few hours a week.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I'd made the sacrifice to work away from my home, while my partner enjoyed all the benefits of the house I wasn't in, they got to see the DC every day when I didn't, had the time to shop every day, spend the morning at their mum's, wasn't doing any of my housework, just their own and the DC, didn't have the DC from 9-3pm every day....then on one of the two days I was actually home, and taking one of the DC out, complained I had left my clothes on the floor rather than just picking them up and putting them in with the rest of the laundry, I'd feel a bit put out. It's a bit take take take in a large way, yet complaining at something tiny.

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 20:43

@TwinsAndTiramisu

If OP takes 5 full days to do what a woman working full time would do in the evenings, it's not my fault for pointing it out.

Says all we need to know about you. 'What a woman working full time would do.." because it's woman's work isn't it. That is how you see it. No reason to converse with you anymore.