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Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
minidancer · 04/03/2023 14:44

Holiday clubs like every other working parent uses

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 14:46

@minidancer for the child with additional needs who can't cope with childcare?

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 14:47

@TwinsAndTiramisu and how precisely would DH do more or less work during the week when he works away all week. Basically OP is a single parent all week. If she gets a job she does everything she does now plus a job outside. Yes people do this but why would you if you didn't have to. It's but going to fix anything as DH isn't there all week anyway so how is the OP working out of the home solving anything?

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 14:49

@TwinsAndTiramisu I may have misunderstood your post

minidancer · 04/03/2023 14:51

Weekend job? Solves two problems, op can work and husband will have to look after his kids

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 14:51

Why are people saying the OP should get a job in relation to her DH being unwilling to pick up after himself. Why and how would the OP getting a job and being even more frazzled mean that her DH would pick up after himself?
He's away all week. If op gets a job then she'll be doing everything she does now PLUS work the job. How in heavens name does that solve anything?

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 14:52

minidancer · 04/03/2023 14:44

Holiday clubs like every other working parent uses

Because clearly it won't be DH as he works away all week. Guess who would be left organising all the childcare. Coz woman.

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 14:53

@journeyofinsanity

Pretty much yeah.

The op isn't working or paying bills. So he shouldn't have to do housework.

I wouldn't.

I don't include putting your own clothes in the washing basket as housework though.

He shouldn't be deliberately making a mess for her to clear up.

As I said its not a lifestyle I'd choose. I prefer to share the work equally. But they have.

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 14:54

So if OP worked at the weekend so DH picked up all childcare and household chores at the weekend, wouldn’t people be saying that isn’t fair on him as working all week

Thelifeofawife · 04/03/2023 14:54

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 12:53

How is he doing more than the OP suggests. Why do people start making up suppositions? We have to go by what is written not start surmising alternative realities to fit our rhetoric.
In any case, he works away all week so he obviously isn't doing more during the week and as he slept in whilst the OP got up, the evidence and the OPs words suggest he isn't pulling his weight when he is home in the weekend

Show quote history

At no point did I say he was doing more during the week.
OP never said he didn’t get up, he was in bed and she asked if he was still taking DC to club.
So yes, go by what was written

Thelifeofawife · 04/03/2023 15:04

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2023 12:54

So you've worked to have a clean, tidy house (which is nice to come home to) and he thinks he can disrespect her work?

Show quote history

Personally I wouldn’t find it disrespectful if my DH left his clothes on the floor for an hour or so.

jannier · 04/03/2023 15:09

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:21

@philautia

We talked about me returning to work . I had a job lined up but he said he knows it's not possible at the moment .
I do want to return to work but then he will have to do more when he's around

I do all housework , cooking , cleaning , shopping etc but sometimes I need him to do something with one child while I'm committed with the other one at weekends. And yes I do expect him to put his dishes in the sink and his clothes in wash basket .

Why is it not possible? Or does he mean he doesn't want to do more and prefers the financial control. Do your kids help they are both old enough?

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 15:21

OP should get a job and outsource domestic stuff to a cleaner/housekeeper or nanny.

You either have to do it yourself or work to pay someone else.

sometimes I think people think a SAHP (to older children) is like the ‘sunlit uplands’, have your cake of no employment, and eat it too by not being responsible for domestic drudgery. And then be surprised that the earner wants to be looked after.

Guys who are stay at home dads get called cocklodgers for that.

(Of course, whatever arrangement works when both partners are happy, but here that is not the case).

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 15:25

@Newbutoldfather the OP has said they talked about her getting a job (bear in mind she was the higher earner before they had children) and she and DH agreed it wasn't possible at the moment.

FiddleLeaf · 04/03/2023 15:27

You either have to do it yourself or work to pay someone else.

Or ditch the messy and sulking husband. It’s not an attractive look.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 15:36

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 14:52

Because clearly it won't be DH as he works away all week. Guess who would be left organising all the childcare. Coz woman.

Show quote history

Won't...or can't.

Who will pay for it? DH, like he does everything now. Coz man?

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 15:47

@TwinsAndTiramisu well obviously it will be OP paying for childcare if she works as important man will say it's her choice to work so she pays childcare that's how misogynist always think

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/03/2023 16:30

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 15:47

@TwinsAndTiramisu well obviously it will be OP paying for childcare if she works as important man will say it's her choice to work so she pays childcare that's how misogynist always think

But she's not working. And despite many posters asking why it's been declared "not possible" when the details given suggest it is very much possible, OP has chosen to ignore everyone asking why she can't work.

She pays for zero. He does no housework. They share weekend childcare.

meatballsoup · 04/03/2023 16:35

This won't be popular but I think you've got a cushy gig there. If the trade off is picking up some clothes off the floor & putting them in the washing basket then I'd just do it. I would love to give up job & just spend the time pottering about doing some housework & shopping with no small kids to worry about.

DustyLee123 · 04/03/2023 16:41

When I was a SAHM, and DH worked away, I did all cleaning/washing/mowing lawn/food shopping and he would cook once when home.
I never picked his dirty laundry up off the floor. That’s just laziness, and a lack of respect.

Theunamedcat · 04/03/2023 16:42

Just go back to work let the shit hit the fan

Iusethem · 04/03/2023 16:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Invisablewoman · 04/03/2023 16:50

This boils down to him having no respect for you in my view. Neither of you sound happy.

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 16:51

@TwinsAndTiramisu But she's not working. And despite many posters asking why it's been declared "not possible" when the details given suggest it is very much possible, OP has chosen to ignore everyone asking why she can't work.

She pays for zero. He does no housework. They share weekend childcare.
The point us, if she went to work they would need to pay for childcare which you erroneously decided would come out of his pay packet. 🤷🏻‍♀️ this is a strange assumption. And the point is that he works week days and has week evenings off. He also 'helps out a little' during weekends. She does week days and every evening and any night time they are sick as he is not there during the week and then at weekends it's seems like all he does is sleeps in and takes dc somewhere. He can't even be arsed picking up his shit. Which if course you think she should do because even though she has worked all day and evening all week, she should also do all weekend housework as she is the woman and he is the man who brings in the money. So she should be subservient to him in the weekends. Basically she shouldn't have any time off whereas he should have evenings and weekends off. Just because.

journeyofsanity · 04/03/2023 16:55

@TwinsAndTiramisu you seem to resent women who don't go out to work. You seem to think that if a woman doesn't go out to work they should do EVERYTHING ELSE. Day. Evening. Night. Week days. Weekends. Everything all the time and they should shut the f up as they are not bringing in the money And as you have said countless times, this means she doesn't work. Because work only counts if it brings in the money. Christ alive there are still people who think like this