Husband hates being asked to do stuff

[twoblueskies]

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

@twoblueskies

Sorry that you are getting judgement from other people for not working and instead being at home with a 9 year old and 15 year old.

When from what I gather one has additional needs?

Plus is no childcare other than school?

And the thread is literally about how your husband was acting towards you on the only time you have together, as he is away Mon to Friday.

So husband works away Monday to Friday goes work and then only has to think about himself.

But you are at home. OK on own Mon to Friday whilst children in school and then you sort out all the washing /dinners/appointments/ homework /activities.

I think you are getting a hard time on here for no reason.

@ZoZoisresting

My duties are , parenting , taking care of elderly mother , shopping , cooking , cleaning , laundry , ironing house maintenance and other household requirements.

As @Colourfulrainbows said when I do all this a little bit of respect by not coming in after a week working away and just dumping stuff and then giving attitude when politely asked not to does not seem unreasonable .
Except according to most of these posters I do not have the right to say
" hey pick your stuff up please " because I'm a woman who is not the main earner .
I still tidied after myself when I worked .

@GoodChat

Ok you make a good point - but still I think that she has a level of bitterness over the role she has chosen. If you are the SAHW/homemaker by choice imo it’s unbelievable entitlement to be pissed off at be expected to do laundry.

Surely that’s part of the division of labor. She definetly isn’t working hard with young kids all day so there’s really no excuse Imo for her bitter attitude at the expectation she actually fulfills the SAHW role which she is in. Otherwise what’s the point? He works and then they both do laundry and she has her days mostly free aside from school pickups and drop offs? That’s not fair at all.

Im sensing a lot of bitterness coming from OP about the expectation she does the homemaking role which she signed up for. Maybe that’s because she’s taken the idea of being an independent woman and not doing those things for a man to heart. But that attitude is not appropriate when you literally choose to be a SAHW.

@Colourfulrainbows

Theyre at school all day 5 days a week and she doesn’t work. Why on earth would more childcare be needed?

@ZoZoisresting she doesn't want him to do the laundry or have an issue with doing it herself. She doesn't want to have to traipse around the house picking up after everyone before she does it, which i think it reasonable.

@twoblueskies

regardless of the household set up. Which a lot of post are honing in on here.

Adults that live in a household together should not really be having to ask the other for as basic thing as pick up dirty clothes. That's what parents argue with there teenagers about.

I get it. It's not even about the mess it's about the attitude when asked causing atmosphere over a tiny thing that takes them ten seconds.

I wonder does he keep his surroundings clean where he works away or is that then transfered to home. Cause other than work when away he has no responsibility other than himself.

And I would say the same if roles were reversed if was the wife working away.

As an adult and partner we are meant to be working together. But unfortunately sometimes people retort to parent/child roles.

Hopefully this will be sorted as it can not be easy having this set up. For any of you.

@twoblueskies

The issue is with older children cooking and cleaning really doesn’t take up the amount of time as a full time job. Ironing takes very little time and these days washing is just dumping clothes in a machine then hanging them. Washing takes me about 15 minutes a day tops if that.

So you have a lot more time free during the day. That is fine but it’s only fair that because of that the vast bulk of the household duties should fall to you whether your husband is home or not.

Im sorry but thisnis what being a home maker is. I’m not shaming it I am one. But if your not going to embrace it and you get bitter like it’s cutting into your would be independent life of a woman who doesn’t do those things kind of things for a man then you really shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

I would gently suggest that you are overly influenced by media/society telling you it’s wrong to be a homemaker or do “womens work” or things for a man. It’s really not when that is the choice you make and he works and you don’t. It’s fair and right in that situation. I feel like you’ve fallen into a very resentful energy.

I think maybe it would help if you thought about the type of media you consume and try to see more things which shine a positive light on being a home maker and wife and maybe you could find more sense of pride in your life. And try to cut out viewing a lot of media that makes traditional SAHM or homemakers seem like a bad thing not to be celebrated. Or at best dumb women being used by their men.

Focus more on things that accentuate the positives of being in your traditional feminine energy ✨
Right now I feel your stuck in your masculine and it’s causing you bitterness

@ZoZoisresting

I never said it did.

The point of the OP post is that husband work away all week and when home for the weekend, makes a mess.

When asked to clean the mess, when asked if still taking his child somewhere. Gave her attitude.

But that's OK cause he pays the bills. According to lost of replies on this thread.

I personally don't think it is OK ( my opinion and entitled to that) as I believe having the attitude of oh he pays the bills can be as disrespectful as he wants sets women back to pre rights.

I also think its dangerous to have that attitude of he pays the bills I should do everything for him and be so grateful no matter how he treats me as it sets up a presidence for abusive relationships.

Not in any way saying that is the case here but someone could be reading and think oh its OK for my partner to talk to me disrespectful.

All the OP did was ask him to clean his own mess. Yet post are honing in on her not working, rather than the issue.

Which is no she not be treated with attitude for that.

So yes I stand by the OP is getting a hard time on here for no reason.

I stand by my grievance

Happy to do all that I do when he's away . But when he's home I would rather spend my time with him , having a cuppa , being a family , watching tv together . Not picking up the clothes scattered on the previously tidy room , the towel dropped on the floor , the mug left in the bedroom , the plate on the sofa .
When I have spent my time organising and cleaning , respect this by not coming home and making a mess and if I point out just pick up after yourself . Simple request really , except not reasonable apparently.

This is it exactly. So many posters are totally missing the point! She’s his wife/partner not his ‘staff’. It’s about treating each other with respect and being an adult (whatever your financial set up).

Throwing clothes on the floor and expecting her to pick them up is just not acceptable in a mutually respectful adult relationship. My DP would never dream of doing that (even if he did earn all the money).

I don’t understand the replies either OP. It’s basic common courtesy to tidy up after yourself. There should be no clothes on the bathroom or bedroom floor ever. There should be no dirty dishes scattered about the house ever. I can only imagine that it’s a bunch of slobs who live in disgusting homes and are thinking your standards for hygiene are too high. They’re not. I’d be having a firm family meeting and saying EVERYONE needs to follow basic house rules as it’s not a Uni flop house.

There seems to be a lot of comments on this post saying the poster should be picking up the washing because she doesn't work.

It is general respect to pick your own washing up and put it in the washing basket. I'm assuming you don't all allow your children to leave their washing lying around. Adults should be leading by example.

The posters husband works away mon-fri he will either stay in a hotel or accommodation. I know a few dads who work away like this and all of them openly say they get a lot of down time as they aren't returning home to the kids etc. I don't think it's much to expect him to pick up after himself to lead s good example to the kids.

I think poster has tried to give info on the situation but her concern is his attitude when he is asked to do something such as pick up his own clothes.

I think poster if you ever do post again (doubtful given all these replies ) prob helpful to all the SAHM people who thinks that means they need to do everything that you explain whilst you don't work you do have your own income from your investments you made whilst he was climbing the career ladder. Also you've mentioned he was a SAHD for a year. Did he do absolutely everything around the house including picking up your clothes ?
I'm doubting it but would be interesting to know.

I also have children with add needs and had a feeling when I read your original post you were going to say you also did. Unless in the situation people often don't realise what it takes to parent a child with add needs. I spend a lot of my week either at appointments or replying to phone calls/emails or chasing up professionals.

Im really not sure of what the answer is to getting him to understand his attitude isn't acceptable. I doubt you getting a job would change it though

Not RTFT as it seems to have become the @TwinsAndTiramisu tirade against SAHM who do not work. She's just envious.

OP I think you’re slightly missing some points.

You have a responsibility to your mum of course (sorry to hear about your DF), but that it’s not part of your homelife responsibilities that your husband is providing for. (And as you say that’s only become recently)
Imagine if your DH was on at you, as the one bringing in the income, for going to your mums and shopping every day rather than being at home doing X, Y, Z so that the things you need to do at weekend aren’t all necessary. I say that not as a dig that he brings the income but based on you saying you clean and he comes and messes it up.

Also you say you still did household chores when your DH was a SAHP, but it’s very different when you’re looking after babies/toddlers, it’s all consuming and you don’t have all the free time of someone with older children in FTE, as you know.

I can understand it being frustrating if your DH is leaving things lying round all the time, but think about it, if this is how he lives during the week and just tidies when he’s ready then he comes home to someone who does things differently and is constantly on him to move things there and then, there’s bound to be a clash. The best thing you can do for both of you is take a step back and leave him to do things in his time, if it doesn’t get done by the end of the day then sure say something, but chances are he will do it. Alternatively sit calmly with him and ask him how you find a compromise given that you live so differently during the week.

You’re going through a difficult enough time trying to support your mum after losing your dad, no doubt feeling the emotional drain, why get so worked up over small things like this when they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Leave it to your husband, he knows what he needs to do

Just to give the working parent perspective. Both of us work in stressful jobs during the week. The weekend is when we can rest. If my husband told me to pick up my clothes on a weekend I’d be a little annoyed. Sometimes cups are left out, clothes on the floor etc on a weekend because it is the weekend and we can be more relaxed. You sound controlling @twoblueskies by dictating that he picks his clothes up on your terms.
And re the club, he said he was going to do it so just leave him to it. I’m not saying he shouldn’t pick up his clothes, he absolutely should, but you wanting it done at a certain time is not necessarily right.

The reason WOHPs get wound up by SAHPs is when they make ridiculous claims like they work a 12 hour day doing chores that most working parents are able to get done during a working week as well.

Oh for goodness sake, absolutely everything about who is working is irrelevant. Whether OP should or shouldn’t be working is between her and husband only. If he thinks she should they can have a discussion about it. OP hasn’t asked him to do any housework. She just wants him to pick up his pants. She’s his wife, not his slave. I would expect my 5 year old to put his pants in the wash basket - why would anyone say a grown adult shouldn’t do that?

OP will end up with kid’s as adults who don’t tidy up after themselves and you know full well it will be ‘mum didn’t raise them properly’.

It wasn’t quite the case about him giving her attitude. She was on an him about his clothes because he hadn’t picked them up straight away. And on at him about taking DC to club even though he does it every week and she had no reason to think he wouldn’t that day.
Different of course if he had left his clothes on the floor for 2 days and refused to pick them up stating it’s her job, or refused to take DC to club because he couldn’t be bothered. But that didn’t happen

OP I think you’re being a little entitled and have let yourself become bitter because you don’t feel pride in the SAHW role. Which is sad.

However it’s obvious at this point that you have your point of view and just want posters to tell you you’re right and your husband is wrong. And despite coming to a forum very likely to be more friendly to that point of view than anywhere else when you still haven’t got this overwhelming agreement you don’t reflect but get snarky.
tbh I think you kind of have a very inflexible and angry attitude and if it plays out in your marriage as it has here it could cause tension.

I think you need to soften your approach and think about your husband with more empathy

@Hobbitfeet32

I work. I am not annoyed my partner works as well. by@twoblueskies . I agree with her.

@Thelifeofawife I have a adult with additional needs. Guess what, so so much harder than toddlers.

All still missing the point.

The point is regardless of gender who works who stays at home. Her partner was disrespectful to her regarding a request.

Why on earth are people pondering to this and giving the OP a hard time.

She was not asking him to do anything other than tidy up after himself. Wasn't asking him to do anything extra.

All the post that is saying she should basically be his personal maid because she don't work.

One question - who picks up your dirty clothes? Does your partner do it? Do you leave it on the floor for them.

I just can not believe what I am reading.

@ZoZoisresting

Read the original OP.

Clearly states that he gave her attitude.
She asked a question and he gave attitude.

Clearly states that she needed to know if he was taking his child.

They are also his kids his home. He does nothing but go wo Monday to Friday.

If he lived at home Monday to Friday and did nothing would it still be OK?

This thread is absolutely batshit! I'm sorry you've had a bit of a bashing from some posters @twoblueskies just because you don't have a paid job!
Why people are so caught up on this, I really don't know. If you'd said you resent doing all the chores etc then I could understand it but you haven't. What you do resent, is your husband coming home from his working week and being a lazy, moody bloody arse!
How people think it's your job to pick his dirty pants up off, I presume, a shared bathroom is fucking nuts! Just because you don't have a paid job and he does? Absolutely crackers some people.

@rainbowstardrops

Glad I am not the only one perplexed.

Some people are honing in on the fact that the children are 9 and 15 so therefore old enough to look after themselves. And at school. Pretty sure a 9 year old is not old enough to look after themselves.

So therefore she is saving childcare cost and is basically other than school, on it every day including weekends as basically a single mum throughout the week.

It should be as she had pointed out weekend working together and family life.

Well done for pushing back OP.

We teach people how to treat us.

You are juggling a lot.

He should not be making your life harder.

You sound like a great woman and by the sounds of it have done a huge amount of the heavy lifting in your marriage.

Your home is not a hotel with housekeeping coming in to clean up after him!

He wouldn't be the first man who travels for work who was confused on that point.

The weekends should be easier with him home, not harder.

If they are, address it before it does real damage.

Many is the woman who has found herself detaching from her husband over time because of his working away and feeling only mild irritation at his return, and relief at his departure.

Only the strongest of marriages can withstand long term working away.

Yes OP - stop being such a shrill nagging harridan and be more softly feminine with your Lord and Master.

Jesus. 🙄