Husband hates being asked to do stuff

[twoblueskies]

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

It's in context.

She doesn't contribute a penny, but the larger picture is that it's whilst not contributing that much in other senses. She's not a run ragged SAHM who is saving them thousands on nursery bills. There's none of his housework during the week, he's not there. Or much of the children's apart from laundry as they're not there all day either. She absolutely does housework and childcare. It's just there's really not much of either. I'm not expressing myself very well, I know what I mean. Sort of like me saying "I look after all the pets in our house" which technically is true, but actually equates to 1 goldfish.

I can't think of the right way to say it, probably I think it's quite rich to happily contribute zero financially, have a rather responsibility free week, then feel annoyed at the suggestion you might sort out a load of washing for the person providing all this.

Lol.

No, it's because OP is a woman, so I compared to another woman. But please do clutch at straws substitute the word woman for person. Nothing changes.

This is how my husband explained it to me. When you have little kids and working away means you get uninterrupted sleep and downtime without kids yelling in your ear, working away during the week can be a nice break, even if you also miss your kids. When you first start traveling for work, it's a novelty. Maybe you are traveling with colleagues. You eat at nice restaurants. You drink wine. You see lots of new places. It's a lot of fun.

But when the kids are bigger, they can have interesting conversations and you can see the benefit of your physical presence to them, working away during the week is not as much fun. It means that you don't get to see your kids. They don't tell you about their day. They feel like they don't know you as much. You worry that you won't get to build a healthy relationship with them that will last into adulthood.

You are also older by then, and you miss being in your home environment. You miss having your regular stuff around you. You get tired of living out of a suitcase. You get lonely. Your colleagues are no longer traveling with you because they want to be at home. You realise you get paid more to take on a traveling job BECAUSE people dislike doing it. Eating restaurant meals stops feeling like a luxury and you start wishing for some home cooking or healthier cooking. You start dreading Sunday evenings when you have to pack for work. Working away when you are older and have bigger kids, is a drag on your psyche and your body instead of being a break from the parenting grind.

So I would go a little easier on your dh maybe. He should pick up his clothes but you might phrase it a little differently. I don't know what your dh's experience of working away is, but it may be more mentally and emotionally challenging than you are aware of.

That's a really interesting point. So well put too.

DH and I are in the midst of similar discussion. I (well, us but definitely more me) would love a big house with land for some animals, like a small farm, for DC to run amok with loads of space, and I place a lot of importance on my home and it's appearance. In order to do this, DH would have to take a position in London. Which he's willing to do, for ten years or so, to make this happen. We are weighing up how much happiness this home and lifestyle would bring us, vs the family life he will miss for those years. It means a lot to me that he'd do it, to make me and the DC have the best life he thinks he can provide, at his own expense and sacrifice. I couldn't not see the DC all week. Just couldn't. And it will be entirely his call, with no pressure from me.

If we do go for it, I'll stop work entirely, as I won't need to top up the bills, and I'll be more useful doing little renovations instead. But if he's willing to do all that for our family, when he gets home, after the long commute, on a Friday night, I think it would be bloody rich of me to start whining that his pants are on the floor.

WTF

Lady that lunches! Ha, you clearly have absolutely no idea. I have had many stressful jobs, and been a SAHM, and I can tell which is the most demanding, and relentless! Chuck a controlling, disrespectful, misogynistic pig in to the mix, and I can assure you the op’s life is no party!
Clothes on the floor - leave them. And when he is down to his last pair of pants, the penny just might drop.

I think you missed the part where OP isn't actually running around after any children as one is nearly an adult and they are both in full time education. Very different to a SAHM doing childcare all day.

She does stay at home though. In the afternoon. In the morning she goes shopping every day, then round to her mum's.

The "pig" works away all week, providing the home for OP and DC whilst not getting to enjoy it himself, or see his DC.

So message on here is because I don't earn a wage then I'm expected to accept my husband does nothing for himself including picking his clothes up and i do this without comment including weekends
Wow , just wow 😮

No.

The message is, you have no childcare with a nearly adult child, and both in full time education. Choose to shop every morning then go to your mum's. You call yourself a SAHM. You are a more accurately a homemaker, or, voluntarily unemployed.

Then whining about how the person who pays for your house, (that they only get to live in for 2 days a week), pays for all your outgoings, sacrifices seeing their DC...the audacity you might sort their laundry out when they are home.

It's very rich to call DH the one who doesn't want to lift a finger. You have a minimal amount to do all week. But dress it up like you're the same as a sahp that's running after, tidying, entertaining, feeding young children all day.

Even the "I do this without comment including weekends" is you yet again trying to inflate what you do. He's ONLY there at the weekends.

As I said before. I can say "All the pet care is down to me. I look after every household pet, all week. Food. Cleaning. Everything". Which is true. But is actually one goldfish. Same for what your responsibilities actually boil down too, Vs how you try to make them sound.

But you are sure you're the victim. And you don't want to hear otherwise. Good luck.

Not by everyone, but it's been a trend since most mothers have been forced out to work by economic circumstances. (Yes I know many women prefer to work and that non married women in particular are very vulnerable when relationships split, if they aren't earning).

Sadly it's becoming that only money and financial contributions count. Anything practical and emotional that you bring to the pot is irrelevant. It's wrong, but there you are.

For what it's worth my husband has been by far the biggest financial provider for our family and I have only worked part time since having children. I've always done the majority of daily/weekly household chores. Fortunately my husband loves his job and it isn't a burden to him.

No way would he be such a lazy arse as to leave clothes laying around on the floor for me to pick up. He didn't mind doing things for/with our children either or clearing mess away when he's here. Just because one works and the other takes care of the home it doesn't mean that the working partner never lifts a finger. I think that's a bizarre attitude.

@threecupsofteaminimum

Lol this😂

You’ll never get anywhere with men making demands. Certain jobs makes it easier, or else making it seem like they’re doing great work by doing some ordinary stuff.

For some reason I forgot that this is the women with older children. My previous post still stands, particular about him picking up after himself. He should be clearing his own stuff away and not have op following after him like a servant.

However doing the laundry is more of a grey area. If I was a completely not working mum to older children then I would expect to do all the laundry.

Op try to ignore the rubbish about how your only worth is through what you earn.

I am shocked at some of the anti-feminist tripe that has been peddled out here.

We still have a long way to go if women themselves can’t recognise the value of a person who makes a house a home.

My mum was a sahm even when we were older - she worked bloody hard every day, more than I do and I <gasp> go out to work. Apparently that means I’m worth more than her. I’ll be sure to tell her that next time I see her.

I’m sure your children appreciate yon being the constant in their lives, it’s something that can’t be easily valued when you do a pros and cons list.

For yourself however I think you should get a job. I suspect it will be the only way your husband will respect you more, and tho I hate to say it - you might need it one day if his behaviour gets worse.

I don’t work and have 3 in school and I do have to say that at this point when the kids are a little older if your a SAHM/W it is your almost sole responsibility to keep the home and do things around the house, whereas it’s his to work. It’s different when they’re really young and your always tired but at this point this is your job.

It seems you’re quite resentful but actually your husband does a lot. Perhaps think about why being asked to act like a homemaker/SAHW when that’s essentially exactly what you are bothers you so much?

If you want to look down on doing things around the house and being a home maker then you need to get a higher payed job and someone to do those things for you. Otherwise Imo it’s a case of you resenting doing traditional “womens work” because media tells us it’s degrading. Whereas actually if your husband works and you don’t it’s entirely appropriate and quid pro quo

Completely agree with you. But the disparity here is not simply OP brings no financial contribution.

It's her contribution entirely. Then feeling begrudged at the idea of putting on a load of laundry for the person who enables her to have such minimal responsibilities. Who, in contrast, works full time, away from the home and children, in order for OP to do so.

For example, a SAHM providing childcare can save a family literally thousands. That's a big contribution to a family. And very hard. Very time consuming. OP implies she is a "SAHM" but one of her children is nearly an adult and both are in FTE. When you actually see what OP needs to do all week, the truth is, it's very little, even if she drags it out over 5 days. She shops every morning, then goes to her mum's.

Doing a couple of hours a day of household work is of course useful. But that's a lot of free time in comparison to someone working full time away from home.

@knittingaddict

I agree. I mean if he works and she doesn’t then why is she so resentful of being asked to do things at home? That is essentially her work.

It seems the media has got some women confused that doing homemaking work is bad and oppressive when in reality if you make the choice to be a SAHW then really it’s only fair that you do it. Otherwise your just loving a life long free lunch on some mans work

@TwinsAndTiramisu

I agree. There seems to be this absurd bitterness at being expected to do household tasks as though it irks the independent feminist in her or something. If that’s the way she feels then why enter into a situation where she is a SAHW and homemaker in the first place?

@TwinsAndTiramisu

I stand corrected . I'm a homemaker. I stay at home housewife . Yes my children are of the age they can cook and relatively independent except they can't drive so I do have drop offs and pick ups to keep me busy .
Mum elderly and my dad died fairly recently so I suppose the shopping with / for , going round is fairly new to make sure she's ok . Don't live far but 30 min drive away .

I will now dutifully pick my husbands pants up from wherever he chooses to drop them without comment ( while teaching my children not to do this but say to them should they object that yes their dad can be allowed this because he earns money and this buys privilege )

And I will tattoo slave upon my forehead !

Or you could just go back to work if you're so resentful @twoblueskies

@twoblueskies

I totally understand why you feel like you do. OK your husband works pays the bills ( assuming) for all people know you could have savings etc.

You keep the home and children running smoothly and calm whilst he is away. Then he comes in and creates a mess that you have already made clean. Which is fine, but when asked for him to clean his own mess he takes attitude.

How would he feel if you went to his work and messed it up and then took attitude when asked to rectify. As that is essentially what he is doing.

Can also see you have child with additional needs which changes things.

It's not about the mess it's about the disrespect he gave you. I get it I love with a man who is just like it and it's immature self righteous behaviour. It's actually off putting in a person.

The only thing that you can do is ignore it. Because people like that don't actually see what they are doing.

I am sorry that you are getting so many replies on here saying that you basically have loads of downtime and he don't. Which is weird cause I have read threads in which a person is a sahp and they all been husband partner should help more.

You wasn't even asking that you was asking what to do about the attitude when you ask them to clean there own mess.

His attitude is the issue. He is the only person who can choose to change that.

Lol.

Not because "daddy earned it" but because "mummy doesn't really do anything else"

Stop pretending this is about finances. This is about what you contribute in general. He puts in a full time week. You put in a few hours in a full time week. Paid or unpaid is irrelevant.

You are such a victim OP. You think pulling your weight is being a slave, hiding behind the excuse that it's because you aren't earning. It's not.

“However doing the laundry is more of a grey area. If I was a completely not working mum to older children then I would expect to do all the laundry.”

she does do the laundry, in one post she said DH had brought down his week’s washing.

the objection was to dirty laundry left on the floor rather than in the basket. I am genuinely baffled why anyone thinks she shouldn’t object to this!

I'm at home with my husbands vocal support .
He earns but I have my own income from investments I made when younger , so yes he pays household and mortgage. But if I need something it's my income I use .
When I worked early in our relationship until children ,we lived in my house , bought and paid for by me while he was on minimum wage . I worked full time and when eldest born maternity ended my husband stayed at home for 1 year because he was unemployed and I returned to work full time . I still did household duties while working full time because that's fair and reasonable .
He has become successful partly due to having a wife that is at home and he openly says that .

@twoblueskies

How has a wife that’s literally resentful about doing laundry despite not having a job helped him become successful?

Serious question, as a SAHW/M what do you actually think your responsibilities/duties should be? Anything?

Don't be stupid. It's helped him become successful because he hasn't had to take on any of the childcare, housework/care or mental load.

He's been able to focus solely on work and been flexible and able to travel/work away knowing all his responsibilities at home are taken care of.

SAHP's are incredibly valuable when children are young.