I think I'm controlling

[Needtounderstand]

DH and I are have just had our second relationship counselling session. There are multiple issues but something he has said is that he finds some of my behaviour controlling. I'd genuinely never thought that about myself before but something has clicked today.

I need to work on this and have done a referral to find a therapist for myself via the NHS locally. In the meantime are there any resources such as books or podcasts that anyone can recommend? Understandably there's lots of support for victims but less for perpetrators.

Thank you.

What sorts of things are you doing/saying that are controlling? It's quite hard to recommend anything without a bit of info about what's happening.

I think it comes from insecurity on my part. I thought DH and I were having conversations and he was making decisions. After the session today, I think what I was doing was manipulating the decisions he was able to make so that I got my desired outcome. Effectively I've been backing him into a corner so he had no real choice.

In what way? Do you mean you emotionally blackmail him?

Do you think you've been doing that, or is that his version of the story? Has anybody told you you're controlling before, or is this just with him?

What's you're relationship like apart from this? Are you respectful of each other, and caring about each other's feelings?

How would you try and get your own way? Crying, threats, lies, anger etc. If you didn’t get your way what would happen? Aka did you accept it or did you retaliate in some way.
How to you feel about the relationship in general? How do you feel about yourself?
I know it’s a lot of questions but it should shed some light towards the dynamics of the relationship.

Someone comes on and admits they are controlling and every post is looking to blame her DH. Not going to help her is it.

Nobody has looked to blame her op so far, and your post doesn't help either.

*looked to blame anybody

Shes being very vague though and I think some clarification on the tactics she uses would be helpful. Has the penny dropped that she's being manipulative or is she being manipulated into thinking she's the problem? There's no harm in an anonymous discussion here.

What would happen if he made a decision you didn't agree with, if he refused to go into that corner you backed him into

I'm not saying women can't be controlling, my mother is an abusive controlling woman

However I find the word controlling like the word nag can often be used for women to keep them in their place

So are you controlling i.e. your behaviour does not allow for your DH to make any other decision than the option you present. Or are you a woman daring to have an opinion and being labeled controlling for it?

And in the therapy have you explored the possibility that you presenting options and your DH feeling like he has to go along with them might be as much around his reaction and expectations as yours. If my DH went along with all of my suggestions that wouldn't necessarily make me controlling only if he was scared of my response if he didn't

It feels like this might be something worth exploring further. I worry if you just go from 'if I put forward my opinion my DH has to go for it' to controlling, you are left in a space where it becomes very difficult for you to have an opinion without it being labelled negatively

It's less about blaming her DH and more about exploring both sides of the behaviour

The OP could be controlling and the DH could be left feeling like he had no choice

Or the DH could have grown up in an environment where his needs were always subsumed by someone else and so he gives in regardless of whether that's what the OP wants or not

Or he could be saying it to get his own way. Examples of how she behaves that means she is controlling are helpful to understand the wider situation. Discussing it further in therapy could be even more beneficial

Agree control normally stems from anxiety so good you’ve identified the cause.

Don’t label it as ‘wrong’ though - underneath is a need for safety, security, all normal needs.

To dig into why it’s a become so pervasive that it’s affecting your relationship I would delve into why you feel anxious in life - have you had people leave you or betray you or be unstable for you? Especially in childhood.

Therapy will help, and as for other resources look at sarahbcoaching on Instagram to start with as understanding your need for security in a compassionate and non-judgemental way (as she does) will help.

If you think it might be childhood stuff at the root, Nicole Sachs on Instagram is good as is the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker.

Can you give us an example of a situation OP?

How would you do that, though?
Complaining about alternatives, sulking, shouting if you don’t get your own way, not letting something drop until he agrees with you, not accepting no for an answer, being involved in decisions you don’t need to be?
I believe women can be controlling, as my mother was, but I am less sure how you can think genuinely you are having a conversation which is actually being manipulative to have your own way?

Thank you all for your posts, I will come back later with some examples and try to answer questions once the children are in bed. It's something I really want to try to understand.

Well done making the first steps to addressing relationship issues. It’s already more than most couples in trouble ever do. It sounds like you have engaged well with the first session. It’s difficult to fully comment without knowing the context and I’m sure people will be along with practical advice. Mine is to remember to offer yourself as much compassion as you offer to your partner during this introspective journey. Nothing is ever black and white, e.g. The ‘perpetrator’ is often also the victim and vice versa.
All the best 🙂

This is very insightful.

I have a friend who I’d objectively say is controlling, particularly with her DH, but having known her all my life it’s possible to see that much of it comes from feeling as though she had no choice or control as a child, not having had the best childhood etc, so now being very “fixed” in what she views as a good or right way to do something. She’s also capable of manipulating conversations and discussions to get other people to agree with her, though I’m not entirely sure she realises she is doing it.

Insight is a wonderful thing. If you are doing it - and it is an if - then trying to work out the reasons why and challenge yourself to question them may be a huge help.

Insight is a wonderful thing.

agree. There’s a brilliant quote from Carl Rogers - “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”

Awareness is the important thing that leads to healing and acting differently, because it’s that ability to observe your feelings and put a pause between the feeling and the action.

@InstagramBitchWife I don’t think it’s emotional blackmail, but I’m not sure I’m in a position to say that, since the realisation that I think I might be controlling in some ways at least has come as a blindside to me today. It’s something I need to consider.

@Watchkeys I didn’t think I’d been doing it, so prior to today I would have said it was his version of the story. But the therapist asked me if I could see how some of the situations could come across that I was trying to control the outcome, and I can see that. I’ve not been called controlling before but I have always been a planner. Since this happened my Google searches have been a mix of “how to fix your marriage”, “how do divorces work” and Rightmove / mortgage searches. I need to feel I know what I’m going to do in all eventualities. I don’t feel confident if I’m caught off-guard and I do feel more comfortable with life if I know I’m on top of the housework, life admin etc . I wouldn’t have considered that controlling before but I can see how it has controlling features. Our relationship otherwise has had its challenges. I am unhappy with the way he parents our children, he shouts too much and I feel crosses the line in terms of an aggressive tone to his shouting. He’s been like this for a number of years and we have talked about it many times. It has progressed now to there being times where I have spoken to him in front of the children. He disagrees that what he does is inappropriate in any way. He feels undermined by my comments and I can understand that. It’s not right but I feel it’s a fundamental issue that needs to be addressed. I did raise this with the therapist today. I do care about his feelings and I believe he does care about mine. We’ve had very little time to spend just on our own since having children, a combination of a second child who was a poor sleeper, very limited babysitting options and the pandemic. We’ve had one night away together since our eldest was born, he’s now 8 and I could count the number of nights out we’ve had since our 5 year old was born on less than two hands. Generally I would have said we were respectful on a day to day basis, albeit with big problems that need to be worked through.

@Crunchingleaf I don’t believe I’ve ever retaliated. I’ve never consciously used crying, threats of anger. But I do think I must shut down his choices so that things end up becoming a fait accompli and it’s not a “real” choice? I’ve always known what I want the outcome to a particular situation to be but genuinely if he’d chose the other option I would have been fine with it. It’s just that I managed to present the alternative in such a way that it was a really shit option, I guess. Regarding the relationship in general I really want to stay with him. He’s a good guy and we do click. About myself I feel very vulnerable, alone and misunderstood right now. But I’m not sure if that’s me attempting to deflect this back onto him.

@PsychoHotSauce Apologies for the vagueness, I really didn’t know where to start. Hopefully this post offer more insight. I do think I might be unconsciously manipulative in some situations. I think it’s definitely something I need to consider either way. If I am I don’t want to continue to treat people that way. If DH and I are able to work through this I need to understand where I am overstepping the mark, even if it’s not “controlling”, either way it’s something that he has a problem with. If DH and I aren’t able to stay together, then I have two young children and don’t want that to be what characterises our adult relationship. Plus I really don’t want to carry this around with me as baggage for the rest of my life.

@ConfusedNT I genuinely would have been OK with him making a decision I didn’t agree with. But I clearly don’t pitch things in a way that enables that to come across. He’s said I come across as though it’s my way or the highway. I do think there is also an element of his reaction and expectation too so I think that is worth looking at in our next session. We’re both strong and stubborn personalities and I would fully have expected him to dig his heels in and tell me to get stuffed if he felt that way. He’s never said he feels scared of me.

@Starseeed I never would have said that I suffered with what I perceive to be “anxiety” but I do care (too much) about what people think of me. I come across to people that don’t know me well as self-confident but the reality is very different, I’m good at putting on a front. DH knows this. Thank you for the Instagram recommendations. I’m not on there so will join and look them up.

@TheOtherBoleynGirlsI suspect I might identify quite a lot with your friend. I had what I thought of as a good childhood in a stable family and good relationships with my family. I was bullied significantly from age 11-13 and I know a significant proportion of my insecurity come from that. Matbe I have even more lingering issues than I realised. I still assume the joke is about me 30 years later if I walk past a group of people who start laughing.

Sorry for the very long post, I wanted to reply to as many people as I could. I’ll do a separate post now with the two big issues DH has raised today.

no i agree with @Logburnerperils why is her husband suddenly to blame when op herself has gone to therapy and realised that her actions have been influencing her husband negatively, why can the husband not be abused?

In terms of examples, there are two that have come up in particular today. The second one I'll post separately as I feel is a more fundamental issue.

One is about DH’s beard. I don’t like beards, I never have and DH is aware of this. I find the sensation on my lips when I kiss him really unpleasant and I hate the feeling of the hair on other parts of my body. I have never asked DH directly to shave it off. It’s his face and his right to have a beard. He didn’t have a beard when we met, although he frequently sported a lot of stubble and that was fine.

As the beard got longer I became more uncomfortable with the way it felt. I found it a massive turn off. I avoided kissing him and sex. There was an incident where his beard trimmer slipped once and he ended up cutting it so it was stubble and not far off clean shaven. I started kissing him again and there was more frequent sex.

DH feels that was controlling, that I was backing him into a corner where he had to choose. The therapist asked if I could see how it could come across as controlling, that I was withholding physical intimacy to get him to remove the beard. I can see how it would come across that way. Equally, DH still has his beard and I don’t see why I should kiss someone or have sex with them if I find it that unpleasant. I have never completely withheld sex, but it has massively reduced due to the beard. Also, spending 4 of the last years breastfeeding and the non-sleeping second child have had an equal level of impact, in my opinion.

@lailamaria I haven't gone to therapy for this issue. DH expressed that he was unhappy in our relationship and doesn't know if he wants to continue. One of the reasons he gave was that I was too controlling. We have started relationship counselling and have had two sessions, the second one being today. It wasn't until today's session that I realised that some of the tings I do could be perceived that way. I wouldn't and still don't consider myself abusive but I do feel that DH has a valid perspective and I need to look at myself to understand what I can do to address this, as there are genuinely some situations where I don't know how else I could deal with them.

So basically you are supposed to allow your husband to shout and be aggressive with your children and force yourself to be physically intimate with him even if you aren't turned on?

that's certainly one perspective

I never would have said that I suffered with what I perceive to be “anxiety” but I do care (too much) about what people think of me.

Everyone feels anxious at times. I just meant it as in a feeling, not a diagnosis/label.

After your update I’m going to retract some of what I said. When you say he’s too aggressive in front of the children, can you give us an example of what he does?

Just asking as everyone says you shouldn’t do therapy with someone who is abusive…