I think I'm controlling

[Needtounderstand]

DH and I are have just had our second relationship counselling session. There are multiple issues but something he has said is that he finds some of my behaviour controlling. I'd genuinely never thought that about myself before but something has clicked today.

I need to work on this and have done a referral to find a therapist for myself via the NHS locally. In the meantime are there any resources such as books or podcasts that anyone can recommend? Understandably there's lots of support for victims but less for perpetrators.

Thank you.

Great post.

Now if only we could ascertain that op is not gaslighting the f* out of us.

I've never gone through a period of not talking to anyone.

I'd never really thought about it but actually there are similarities with DH relationships. He's never fallen out with family but has fallen out with friends and is easily irritated by some people. He doesn't have many friends and most of those he's closest to he's know for c5 years. There is a reason for that but I can see a pattern too.

We had a conversation last week about greatest strengths and weaknesses. He said he felt his greatest strength was his ability to be honest with people about what he thought of them, the polite way would be thar he doesn't suffer fools gladly, his phrase was that if he thought someone was cunt he'd tell them to their face they're a cunt.

He's a marmite personality, but 13 years ago I clicked with him and fell in love. He'd do anything for anyone, he'd give you the shirt off his back, literally and metaphorically. If he's ever late from work it's because stopped to change someone's tyre at the side of the road!

And that's something I do need to consider. But I thought gaslightling was wanting power or control? I don't consciously want that want that.

*He doesn't know what he wants
*
I think he does OP.

Is he still away op?

Have you considered that he might be the controlling one here?

What are your star signs? I am Leo (I am also a planner and I always know what I want), and my DH is (sometimes indecisive😊) Libra. We've been together for 18 years, married for 17.

I used to believe in astrology 70%, but now I believe in it 80% because very often I find myself more compatible with certain star signs than others.

1. 2 сhildren

I also wanted a minimum of 2 children. Our son is 15, he will be 16 in April.

Deep inside I regret we have only one child and not a daughter as well. I would be fine with another son too.

I didn't insist and didn't get my way. There is some chance in 2 years time we might foster 4-5 y.o. girl to compensate for that.

2. Beard.

My husband knows I love it when he is shaved and his skin is smooth though he usually shaves only once or twice a week because he has sensitive skin. I am ok with that but I would really really dislike if not hate him having a beard. Thank God he has never wanted to have it.

One of my colleagues is 24. He has a beard. He looks 10 years older.

3. Family Meals

Since October 2021 I have to work 13:00 till 20:00 3-4 days a week 25 hours a week. It's a HUGE change for me and for us as a family when I used to have only 1 late night a week for 5 years and befor that I had 10 years of work when I only worked 9:00 till 17:00.

Retail yellow stickers on food nonsense which could be easily be done from 5-6 am till 8 am from 18:00 till 20;00.

Whoever made that decision DOES NOT CARE about family life.

I hated it for 2 years. Now I am very slowly starting to accept it for now but at the same time I am DOING EVERYTHING in my power to have my extra income during the day. I study online for that.

So as I get home by 20:30-2100 on those 3-4 days a week, my DH is in charge of dinner with our son.

Very often we eat different meals/snacks who likes what. Yes, and not rarely we can cook/heat up twice for that reason.

I only know what I would like to eat for the next 2-3 days, not for the whole week. So I follow my preferences.

As I work in a Food Shop, I can get what I would like 2-3 times a week and we do our main shopping in Lidle weekly.

You are NOT controlling, it is HIM being indecisive about what he wants and he doesn't push it, doesn't stand up for himself, and doesn't plan for it to make it happen or not to happen.

Anyway, everyone's perception is Always very individual. I see it this way.

You are just a natural leader like me.

I don't think he sounds very good. But I have to say I felt manipulated by your posts. This doesn't mean you are a manipulative controlling abuser. I am sure you are not! But they are all about you being controlling but obviously designed to show you are not controlling. So very hard to argue with as you have all bases covered - you are being reasonable and mature in your response but also making it clear there is only one interpretation which is that you are right. That's a very hard dynamic to work with. But as I said, he doesn't sound great and it is likely to be an unhealthy dynamic that has evolved between the two of you that would be very hard to change and if he is as you have described probably not worth trying to change anyway

I wish you to work it all out and save your generally happy marriage.

@Needtounderstand it is often said that gaslighters, controllers, narcissists are fully aware of their behaviour. So by definition each act must be a conscious, even a planned thing. "Today I will gaslight her by doing this".

Of course in many cases this is true. Lying about something is a conscious act for example.

But not always. For example if there are two films to choose from and my wife says I like the look of that one and I know I want the other, I could lie and say oh that one has terrible reviews. Or I might present the facts I know about both but due to my bias express them in a way that makes my choice seem more appealing. I might not be aware that's what I do.

In the latter case I am being controlling but through not considering my wife's opinion. It is a self centred way of being that has the effect of placing my want above someone else's.

I'm not saying you do that. I don't know you well enough. Nobody here does.

I do think your Relate counsellor may not be helping you and if you can afford it then therapy for you alone may be helpful. That said if you go via the NHS you will be working with therapies for anxiety or depression (unless you have something such as bipolar disorder or psychosis or a so-called personality disorder - and try to avoid self diagnosis about that). Anxiety or depression work might help you see things with more clarity but you might also consider something exploratory such as counselling with a therapist experienced in your area of concern.

Good luck OP. You seem insightful and interested to know more about yourself. That can be a hard road to travel believe me but likely worth it in the end.

He is. He told me he'd be back tomorrow evening. I've not heard from him since yesterday morning, shortly after the counselling session

I think this is probably a fair assessment of both of us.

@Successgirl2022 as a random bit of light relief, I am Taurus and he is Cancer.

I'm not sure counselling is a good idea. You do sound quite manipulative. If the counsellor doesn't pick up on that, I can see this leading to your DH being gaslit. You're acting reasonable, but there is definitely something off. I do think you knew what you were doing to get your own way. And now you think if you pretend you didn't realise, but now you do see how your actions could be perceived that way (while getting validation from MN that you didn't do anything wrong), you will be able to manipulate your husband into staying.

I’m struggling with this.

you tell us you share some blame but every instance you give Is written in a way to ensure you are seen as correct , and at the same time always ensuring you write something negative about your husband. So we all can see he is to blame and not you.

from what’s written either you’re a total angel who works tirelessly and makes only sensible decisions or you’re deeply manipulative and doing it on here too.

id not hazard a guess other than to say I’m 100 percenr confident he’d write something very different and the truth lies elsewhere between both your views.

That’s what I am feeling, it’s totally off.

If counselling isn't the way what should I look at, what should I do? If I am doing this, I need to work out how to stop, regardless of DH being here or not.

Thing is you’re even doing it on here.

you keep saying I think I do this, I’m partly to blame then giving examples you know you were right. “our fridge was just so full “

it feels disingenuous and manipulative to the reader. I suspect your marriage is over.

Individual counselling for both of you would be better. Not couples counselling. That is never recommended when there is abuse present. You both need to unpick your thoughts and feelings in a safe place. It is not safe to do that in front of each other at the moment. It just weaponises one or both parties.

I referred myself for individual counselling yesterday, straight after to joint appointment. DH has spoken about going for counselling in the past too, over the last few years but I don't think he's planning to do this at the moment.

I'm on the fence OP.

I used to have a friend who was highly strung and neurotic. She also was always the victim. She meal planned to the 9th degree, and there was no room for fancying something different. She was a Monica from friends but on steriods 😂. I did feel sorry for her, but I just couldn't cope with being her friend. She was very organised and couldn't cope with any change of plan - even if the plan was ever so slightly changed as in - to go to a different pub than the one planned for. She was also the loveliest person ever when things felt in her control, I just couldn't cope with feeling so stifled and being on eggshells when life happens and plans change.

But also - your DH is giving examples from 6 years ago. Who the fuck holds on to things like that and dwells on them! I don't like how he has rewritten your relationship history either. Also the whining about not getting sex because you don't like his beard. So nitpicky and yuk, have you not got the ick from that alone?

It's probably a bit of both OP. I agree with some posters saying the way you are presenting things and being oh so reasonable is a bit off and I also can't work out if that's the number your dh has done on you or control issues on your part. Why are you not angry/upset/feeling put upon that he's fucked off for the weekend leaving you with two young dc to look after? If you had admitted an affair, then yes, I could see why he'd need space - for this? It's not right, and you've got no real reaction to it. Is that because you're completely brainwashed into believing you're the problem?

Relationships are very, very rarely black and white/good or bad, and one person is not the whole problem. You might be controlling in ways, but so what 🤷‍♀️ if this was a good relationship he'd be teasing you about it affectionately and doing what another poster said with the dad's surprise. He seems to have zero compassion for you.

Sounds to me like he’s checking out of the relationship, and putting the blame on you as an excuse.

I agree, posts are a mindfuck for me too. I felt manipulated just reading them!

All the proof that you're not controlling is very specific.

But anything about how you might be controlling (or any acknowledgement of posters saying that) is said with innocent contrition and remorse, yet in such general and vague terms.

I thought you made this thread to learn/find out more. But you keep definitively shutting down further conversation (including about your motives – why not just say "that's not my intention"?) and probing by performing remorse instead of actually replying. That's a common tactic manipulative people use.

Maybe part of you wants to find out how/if you actually are being controlling, but part of you wants to play the victim to this crowd. (Fwiw, I don't think either are mutually exclusive, your shouting DH sounds like quite a nightmare as well. And I don't think you're controlling so much as manipulative anyway.)

I could be wrong though and maybe you've been gaslit badly and really do have super low self esteem. But it just doesn't come across like when abused posters truly internalise how it's their fault. Again though I could be wrong so please bear that in mind OP!

I thought all of the above even before I read the first post pointing it out, so not just jumping on a bandwagon / pile on.

Out of interest op what does your husband call you, does he call you by your name or a pet name for example, or does he very rarely use your name ?

For example would he walk into the room you are in to start a conversation rather than calling you with your name to speak with him.

And vice versa, do you use his name often ?

Wow. Let me get this straight:

Man says I don't think I want another baby. Woman says she does. Man decides he doesn't like condoms, doesn't want a vasectomy, and proceeds to knowingly have unprotected sex with a woman who wants a baby. The woman asks for a firm decision, so he then tells the woman he does want a baby after all. Pregnancy follows.

And I am supposed to conclude that this is an example of a man being controlled by a woman...? Bonkers, and I'm a bit wary of your relationship therapist.

I agree that this is him attempting to position himself as the victim before whatever comes next...

It’s interesting that so many people see that can see manipulation in the OPs posts, all I can see is her version of events, obviously I’m aware of 3 sides to every story.

The brushing under the carpet of the fact he just to get walk out for the weekend when he feels like it makes me think she basically carries on like he’s not there most weekends.