I think I'm controlling

[Needtounderstand]

DH and I are have just had our second relationship counselling session. There are multiple issues but something he has said is that he finds some of my behaviour controlling. I'd genuinely never thought that about myself before but something has clicked today.

I need to work on this and have done a referral to find a therapist for myself via the NHS locally. In the meantime are there any resources such as books or podcasts that anyone can recommend? Understandably there's lots of support for victims but less for perpetrators.

Thank you.

As adults there is not one of us who at some point hasn’t tried to get their own way or manipulate a situation. It only becomes a problem if it’s a habit or repeated behaviour. But occasionally we have all done it.

the op whilst proclaiming she is partly to blame, is simply unable to give any example of where anyone would think she is. The examples she gives are all where she is right and he is wrong. And when she does it, she drip feeds in little awful facts about her husband.

so either she’s a rare bird whose never once wrongly tried to get her own way, or she’s manipulative as fuck and doing it on here so she can get folks to say she’s blameless and it’s all him.

How often does he go to stay with friends.

Id DH did this I would be thinking about seeing a solicitor.

If I did this I wouldn’t do it unless to let DH know I was contemplating splitting up.

In fact I would say it’s a passive aggressive threat. Here you are on MN wondering where you are going wrong so it’s worked - I would get a private detective as I would otherwise feel out of control (as he is calling all the shots) and be feeling very anxious, racing thoughts and actually doing something would make me feel more in control. Though admit that is wuite extreme.

I really feel for you. I've had awful relationships with abuse & manipulation & have at times felt I was controlling. But I believe I was in such an awful mess with a man who didn't care in any way about me & could be so cruel that me trying to controlling what I could kept me in the awful relationship. I think it was all I could do to survive. At the end of the day you are married & him swanning off without a care in the world after really messing with your head leaving you in a spin is just cruel. It's a wise move booking counselling for yourself maybe with someone experienced in abusive relationships to get to the bottom of what's really going on here

I don't find the OP's posts manipulative, she comes across genuinely bewildered by his accusations and trying to figure out if they could be true.

It's interesting that the lack of evidence of her being controlling is being interpreted as her being controlling of the thread in a sneaky way. But if she's not controlling then there wouldn't be any. Her posts seem consistent with someone who is being gaslit and is struggling to reconcile his perceptions with her own.

But in the end, whether he is gas lighting her or whether she is being controlling in an underhand way, the way the advice about individual counselling is sound, and it looks as if separation is already on the cards - even prior to this weekend he was questioning the future of the relationship and needing space. His behaviour speaks volumes.

She can't save her marriage on her own by puzzling this out or taking responsibility for every time he may not have voiced his real opinion.

OP, You don't need to find out which of you is the "baddie" to call it quits. It isn't working as it is, and if you both want to change that then you'll both need to communicate more clearly. Hence what you are trying now.

I’ve read through the thread again and I’ve changed my mind. You are controlling the narrative and I think you are manipulating us all.

Are we all part of some kind of social experiment?

Totally get what you’re saying. I always take posts on face value. I don’t really understand how it would help OP IRL with MN agreeing with her, unless it’s just an ego thing then I hope she gets help with this in therapy.

When I was being emotionally and verbally abused by exh I went through periods of thinking I was the abusive one, I took on responsibility for things that weren't my fault.

I posted numerous MN threads about it under different names.

I even rang the DV helpline and talked through all the things that I thought were my fault! I still stayed with him thinking it was me.

I had lots of counselling and I'd come away knowing what he was doing wasn't right and then still finding a way to blame myself.

I read the lundy book. I went through the wheel of DV abuse. And I would still find a way to blame myself for his behaviour.

My friends, my lovely amazing forever best friends ended up kicking him out for me. I still went through another year off and on with him but my god when I finally saw him for what he was and what he had done I couldn't believe what I did to myself. The knots I tied myself up in. The depression I felt because of him fucking my head up.

The wheel of abuse and seeing his behaviours on there compared to the one or two I could twist to say I was doing that did help. Ringing the DV helpline and being told categorically what I felt was normal, my actions were not abusive they were reactions to his abuse, my friends who kept telling me over and over again that I was not the problem when I'd be in tears yet again over him! That's what you might need OP. Ring the DV helpline and outline things to them. I really did believe I was abusing him and the problem. You might be acting controlling - in response to feeling unsafe. And no wonder you feel unsafe with the rewriting of relationship history.

You are being thunderously gaslit by your DH and the therapist. No wonder you are confused.

This such an interesting thread to read. You sound a lot like me. DH has told me a couple of times now that he thinks I’m controlling and manipulative in the way I deal with things - I won’t say no to what he wants to do but if I disagree with it I’ll tend to argue my case until he gives in. I definitely recognise that I do that sometimes. I know this comes from a need to control what is happening and to plan everything to the nth degree. I can’t bare surprises and I struggle with late changes to arrangements. I am working hard to stop overthinking things and if dh suggests something I’ll try to just say ‘yes ok’ immediately (as long as it’s not totally outrageous 😬) rather than going Through all the ways in which that might not work out. And reminding myself of the mantra I learnt from here when our kids were babies - everyone fed, no one dead. What’s the worst that can happen if I just let go and do it how dh wants to?

Im also guilty of mothering him a bit, it sounds awful but I have to keep reminding myself he’s a grown man who makes his own choices and I need to butt out. I see it as ‘helping’ eg suggesting he does this now because then we can do x later, or reminding him of things he needs to buy, or telling him his jeans could do with a wash etc! He sees it as interfering so I am again just trying to think before I speak - does it REALLY matter? If not I may as well just leave it.

hopefully dh would agree that I have been better of late! I am certainly trying.

However, on one of your points - the beard. We have exactly the same thing. If dh hasn’t shaved for a few days it’s scratchy and uncomfortable. Why should I feel that I have to kiss him if it’s going to make me feel yucky? So I won’t. I’m not telling him he needs to shave, that’s up to him, but equally I’m not going to kiss him if it’s going to feel uncomfortable on my skin. No one should feel obliged to do anything physical they don’t want to. Withholding physical intimacy can be controlling but I disagree that it is in these circumstances. That’s like saying you have to do it whether it feels nice or not so that dh doesn’t feel like you want him to shave. It is quite possible to have sex without kissing though!

OP I don't think you're controlling and some of the examples your DH hady given are a bit ridiculous. However I do think you seen extremely rigid in your approach to life and that can feel controlling to the other person in the partnership. I personally would be extremely unhappy if my partner had the level of rigidity around meal planning, cleaning etc. as you do.

I would suggest trying this: give yourself 3 'passes' to disagree/suggest an alternative approach with your partner in the next week. You can only use each pass once and your partner should know about the plan. In a normal healthy relationship I can't see that you would need to disagree about anything actually important more than 3 times in a week. See how it goes. Do you find that you are often going to disagree with your partner or suggest an alternative way of doing things? How quickly do you use your passes? Are they for things that are actually important or for minor issues? Does having only 3 passes make you feel like you have to bite your tongue a lot? It may help you too judge whether actually you're more controlling than you think. On the other hand if you get through a week without really needing to use them then you're probably not being that controlling.

I wouldn't consider that "withholding intimacy". Withholding intimacy implies that having sex is the default, and so not having sex is making a choice to stop it. That is wrong imo. Intimacy/sex is something you voluntarily do when you want to. You are not obligated to have sex with your partner ever. You are definitely not obligated to have sex when you don't want to.

This is too much! Have a gin

Do you know what, sometimes we’re just not compatible, or someone else has moved on and is trying to find reasons to make themselves seem reasonable. And maybe it’s just that one or both of you have changed, or yes, maybe he’s having an affair? The thing is, it’s great to try and work out areas where you can self improve, and try to find a way to make your marriage work. But also sometimes, if you’re doing this much soul-searching and they’ve just disappeared for the weekend, maybe you should carry on with your meal planning and he should just go and do what he wants to do because this sounds like a lot of soul-searching when you’re still at home presumably looking after the children and getting everything done that needs to be done for them. It would be great to be less controlling, if you had a wife at home to make sure all the boring stuff gets done for you.

Yes your situation sounds identical to op's.

I can't tell whether you're controlling or not- it doesn't sound like it from the examples you've given in this thread, but I have no idea if there's more to it that you're not saying. Taking it at face value, it sounds more like a compatibility issue than anything else.

I'm like you in that I have a meal plan, like to have everything organised etc. I'm like it because a) we went through a long period of having hardly any money and we couldn't afford to waste a thing and b) our family life would become chaotic otherwise because we're very busy, plus a lot of it is just my personality. My DH likes the fact that I'm very 'on it' (I just asked him if he thought I was controlling and he looked at me as though I'd lost the plot) but I can see why another person might find it stifling.

I don't think either of you are 'wrong' but I do wonder if if this amount of angst is worth it.

It would be great to be less controlling, if you had a wife at home to make sure all the boring stuff gets done for you.

Agree with this. You can also be heaps more spontaneous/non-rigid in life if you genuinely don’t care when other people are going to be put out or made uncomfortable by accommodating your whimsical, happy-go-lucky approach. /roll eyes

Just by trying to reflect on my motivations and weigh up the actual harm in doing things differently.

Although given the detail about not wanting to give children food they may object to so DH doesn't get angry, well that is something else entirely.

So it sounds like what you might be doing is to try and control the situation in order to keep things running smoothly, to avoid DH anger?

That is really concerning. Your decisions about when and how your children are exposed to new foods should not have to be dictated by DH anger. Which surely will be making them even more anxious about mealtimes and more caitious about trying new foods?

So is it more like you are planning everything to try and make things perfect so DH never gets angry?

If so I think it is quite inappropriate of the therapist to be putting this on you.

It now sounds to me as if your DH is basically a bully and you are trying to get by in really stressful conditions. Not fair on you or your children. I bet you would feel way more relaxed and flexible about everything if DH was not in the picture.

I'm sorry for my previous post as I think I was wrong and you are basically reacting by compensating out of fear by trying to plan everything.