I think I'm controlling

[Needtounderstand]

DH and I are have just had our second relationship counselling session. There are multiple issues but something he has said is that he finds some of my behaviour controlling. I'd genuinely never thought that about myself before but something has clicked today.

I need to work on this and have done a referral to find a therapist for myself via the NHS locally. In the meantime are there any resources such as books or podcasts that anyone can recommend? Understandably there's lots of support for victims but less for perpetrators.

Thank you.

@ConfusedNT previous to this all coming out I did all the food shopping and 80% of the meal planning. It happens during the evening when we're both sitting on the sofa, which is why I'd always thought he was happy with the level of input. His specific issue was about the inflexibility of what was being cooked on each day. I do get that, but he want mushroom gnocchi last week and there's no point trying the kids on that. There's two days where we don't all have the same meal, so that's a degree of inflexibility that's outside my control but he's unhappy with.

The BBQ thing I had completely forgotten but he raised it because he said other people had noticed my behaviour that time. It's the first time he has raised it as far as I can remember but it's clearly lingered with him. It was a counter to a situation where I'd pointed out other people had noted his shouting.

He does around half the cooking, and a fair division of parenting. Virtually all bath times and we split bedtime equally. He does 3 breakfast club drops offs to my 2. I do all picks ups, 2 from afterschool club and 3 at a "normal" end of school time. He changes all the sheets on the day I'm in the office, before dropping the kids at breakfast club. I do all the laundry.

Housework is an aspect where he feels controlled. I try to follow the Organised Mum Method, I work from home 4 days per week and in the office for the other, so I can fit it around my work. DH is out of the house so isn't physically here. This means I do the bulk of the day to day housework but I'm ok with this due to the practicalities. I asked him to be responsible for cleaning the bathroom a little bit each day but me using this approach is a step where he feels it's too prescriptive and the only acceptable approach is my way and he feels controlled.

And with these issues, cleaning, meal planning, does he come up with a suggestion of how he thinks it could work better, or does he just throw a problem at you and complain if it's not fixed in the right way?

Nope. He's controlling you.

Get your own therapist. Your husband is going to leave you and try to convince you it's all your fault.

You are not controlling.

But what you are in is what my therapist called "a fight to the death".

The only way out is to extricate yourself.

Then get therapy by yourself, for yourself.

Then one day you'll look back and see your relationship for what it was, and you'll finally be able to exhale.

Ehhhh I'm really really sorry but are you joking. It really looks like your actually being manipulated and controlled. A beard really, well I don't think much of your husband if he isn't that respectful to keep it if it makes you uncomfortable. I hate beards, my other half likes but we discussed it and he chooses not to keep it long anymore etc because it also makes.me uncomfortable and he didn't have when we met or the first few years...you really sound like your being put in the blame seat and it takes 2 to tango

Using the examples you have given, you are not controlling in the slightest. Not one little bit. Your DH is the master manipulator here.

You are simply standing up for yourself and asserting boundaries.

@wineNcheeseifYplease to be fair to DH it does go my way frequently.

But I would say that because I'm such a planner it goes my way because I've gone through all the other options and I've worked out why they won't work. But maybe that's where he feels dis-enfranchised and that's the issue, rather than "Control".

Jesus Christ woman. This is not you. It’s him.

i want to lovingly shake some sense into you.

he is either gaslighting or something and turning it all onto you.

you carry all the pressure and managing the life admin that comes with a family. That takes a lot of managing for anyone.

I’m like you. I need a plan. I need to know what I’m doing and when. It brings me comfort. It’s how I thrive and manage to juggle everything. My partner understands and accepts this quirk. As I accept some of his.

his beard. Ick. If you had really bad smelly breath and didn’t brush your teeth. Should he just accept it? If something turns you off - it turns you off. Any therapist trying to tell me that’s me being controlling will get a swift and furious conversation on choice and consent. They can feck off back to the handmaids tale with those kind of ideas.

massive squishes. Please do find a therapist. x

There's two days where we don't all have the same meal, so that's a degree of inflexibility that's outside my control but he's unhappy with.

Why is he unhappy about you eating separately?

He is controlling this situation. He hates domestic life and responsibilities. The therapist sounds way off. He sounds absolutely awful.

@Needtounderstand ok, but does he offer alternatives, or as other posters are saying, does he just argue against your choices? Does he have the opportunity to be part of the planning?

@CheekyHobson he's not unhappy about eating separately, he was unhappy that because there was a dish he'd chosen that the children wouldn't eat that effectively restricted him to eating it on one of two nights that week (and he'd already planned what he wanted to other night).

Does he even try to be part of the planning?

He was unhappy because he could only have the mushroom gnocchi on Wednesday rather than Tuesday. Now I get it, yep that’s grounds for divorce right there.

You do realise how utterly petty this is don't you?

You aren't controlling, he's pathetic

He is controlling you. Playing games to make you feel unsure of your actions.

You sure he is at a "friends' house ?

Last time my H called me controlling was when he'd had his head turned and was several months into an affair.

He soon learnt what a controlling woman is all about when he shacked up with OW. Needless to say, when he tried coming back, pleading midlife crisis/grass not greener.... he became my exH!

It sounds OP, as though the only one trying to control the narrative and situation is your DH. Nothing wrong with being confident and well organised. He should be counting his lucky stars he has such a wife.

@wineNcheeseifYplease rarely tries to be part of the planning, is generally too busy / tired / pressured with other things to lead on them. And my job involves being in front of a computer all day, whilst he is field based so more challenging to be part of the planning. Depending on what it is I'll ask his opinion and agreement (where we go on holiday), or not (which holiday clubs to book the children into during the school holidays). He will almost always offer an opinion if asked.

Bloody hell.

So you do the cooking/food shopping and he moans it isn't fair on him that he doesn't get to change it at will.

You do 80% of the housework and he moans that he feels controlled that you assign him a little job to do.

He agreed to a second child but now feels he was controlled into saying yes by you asking him to make a decision?

Unfortunately the therapist sounds like they have bought into this narrative.

Don't you do the same.

This is him making you out to be the bad guy and blame you for everything.

See the script. I'm really sorry OP.

But I would say that because I'm such a planner it goes my way because I've gone through all the other options and I've worked out why they won't work. But maybe that's where he feels dis-enfranchised and that's the issue, rather than "Control".

This could be the case. Your husband may be mistaking 'feeling controlled' for 'being controlled'. This is when he feels he isn't in control of something, he blames you for being controlling rather than understanding (like most people can) that flexibility is a part of life.

I remember having a ludicrous conversation with my ex where he was incensed that I had 'chosen' a particular place for a piece of furniture in one of our kids' bedrooms without consulting him. I explained that for logistical reasons, there was only one place it could go. He insisted I should have asked him where he thought it should go before making a decision. I said that if he had suggested somewhere else, I would have pointed out why that location wouldn't work (which he accepted as correct), and then we would end up with the same outcome anyway. He could see the logic, but was still angry with me and insisted I was controlling.

Control is still the central issue though. Your husband seems to have a strong need to feel he is in control/the decision-maker at all times, and resents it when he feels like someone else (you) is making decisions/in control, even when those decisions make perfect sense given the situation.

Thank you all. I will be back tomorrow but I'm heading to bed now. I'll try to reply to any more comments then but will be juggling an 8 year old and a 5 year old solo so won't be doing longer replies. Plus I'll be on my phone so the typos will become worse.

@Needtounderstand
Basically Machiavelli would be proud

Your quite the Machiavellian manipulator.

@CheekyHobson Yes, I could imagine DH and I having a very similar conversation about furniture and I agree about the fine line but key difference between feeling controlled and being controlled.

DH is very independent and you're right he does like to feel like he is in control. We're both like that but he says it's a problem which has developed since I because pregnant with our eldest. That something between us changed.

It sounds like it suited you both to let you take charge, but for whatever reason he's changed his mind. I don't think it's fair to suddenly start labelling you as controlling and blaming you for his desire to end your relationship when he's been benefitting from it, getting on with his field based job. He needs to talk to you about changing arrangements rather than sulking off.

Is he taking any responsibility or is he blaming it all on you?

As others have said, he seems quite controlling. You've been left to deal with the kids on your own so that you can think about your behaviour....

This!

It’s really not you op!