Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

I'm pretty sure that the issue with Pan's post was cleared up much further down the thread.

I havent seen it anywhere else but with the thread being as long and fast moving as it is - I may well have missed it. Perhaps someone could copy and re-post it?

What issue with pan's post? It is what he says he does. As does Cam iirc - will find hers

Dittany I've really had enough now sorry - you are just deliberately pulling stuff apart, trying to goad me - I have explained my standpoint to you already and I've asked you for clarification on certain things you have accused me of which you won't give - there's no point in this.

Cam: "I have realised that I don't allow my dd to be alone with a.n. other male (except dh). For me it's perfectly rational."

copy and paste, copy and paste

I'm not trawling through it all again

oops... you beat me

She has realised she hasnt allowed a.n. other male alone with her child. Now, what we need to discover is which circumstances have arisen where she could have left her child alone with a.n.other male but chose not to. Refused music lessons with male teacher? Refused a brother to babysit?

Because otherwise it's a moot point.

"Thus, as a good, careful pratice dd's mum and I agreed on was to not let any male have any free time with dd until she is much older. Abusers look much like non-abusers, and one can't predict what potential there is.( as we know, most abuse takes place in the home.) So uncles, even brothers, next door neighbours etc are never given an opportunity."

Way down at the start - I knew I hadn't made it up.

I dont have an issue with my children being left alone with men. I dont consider the fact that they have been, neglect on my part.

I have left my dd with my friend's husband for an hour and had no qualms whatsoever. My children have gone to the park with my uncle...the thought has never crossed my mind that I may be putting them in danger.

I dont think its healthy for them to be kept away from all men "just in case". Anyone is potentially a child abuser, male or female. It may be a rarity for a female, but it happens.

Whoever the poster was who asked Kerry about counselling, I also dont believe this was meant to be a dig. At the same time I can understand why Kerry is getting upset.

I was beaten as a child, I was sexually abused as a child by the same person. But I will not allow that to rule my life. I do not suspect every man of being a wife/child beater. I do not suspect every man of being a child abuser. I do not live my life in fear of men for whatever reason and will not project a fear of men onto my children.

I will try my best to always protect them from any possible harm but I do think not allowing any contact with men would be unreasonable and counter productive. How could I expect my dd to form any sort of loving relationship in the future if she has grown up thinking all men are bad in some way?

If I mistrusted all men then my abuser has won. He is responsible for his actions, no-one else. He chose to do what he did, its not some testosterone fuelled primitive urge deeply embedded in every male's subconcious.

To abuse is not normal or acceptable and I will not believe that every man will, or may abuse purely because he is male.

Wisteria, I'm sure that post was later clarified.

I have now gone through the entire thread for Pan's posts - he has never taken back the "any" male for x amount of time thingy.

"I think the safest course until a child is older is to not leave them alone with any adult males (or teens)"

that was another one.

No Pan didn't take it back I don't think - and why should he anyway? It's up to a parent to make the rules. I just happen to disagree.

Pan girly has no living grandfathers, and uncles are not nearby - I think that that is fairly important.

I tend not to leave Flamechick alone with Flameuncle - nothing to do with trust, but to do with the fact that he lives far away and would be scared sh*tless left in charge

anon - thank you, it wasn't but it was taken as such unfortunately.

Your post is brave and insightful. I have now also revealed more than I ever wanted to on here and wish I had namechanged.

I think I did it on his behalf

You'd think we were married, would you?

Are you VVV? I didn't know that!

Ah well, I may see you up in Youlgreave one day then

I will be the one with the 2 black dogs, mental but under control!

Clarified was the word I was searching for - knew "take it back" sounded wrong, and like he would be in the wrong, but couldn't think of a good word!

Wisteria - you can ask MN to delete your posts on the thread.

it's ok FS, tis done now and I haven't said anything too revealing; there was a lot of typing and deleting going on though chez wisty...

An emotive subject wisteria, its bound to kick off I guess.

You're the brave one for letting rip in your own name

Dont children need to have strong male role modles in their lives that arent family?

I have 2 boys and there are certain men I know that i wouldnt leave them alone with as I know they wouldt be able to cope, some I dont trust from a my style of parenting point of view and others I just dont trust as nice people.
But there are some men that I would and have left my eldest lone with (ds2 is still only tiny)
I just dont think that if you know someone is a potential threat you shouldnt let any kind of bond build up between child and said adult. for that childs safety, stranger danger can work if they remain strangers.

Havent we all got close friends who we just trust to leave our kids with? That said I so understand that no parent would willing put their child in danger and so any abuser must to some degree be trusted by the parent, So do we all just hope for the best, try to trust our instincts and review the situation regularly.

Otherwise wont our children grown up being unable to trust anyone? would this have permenant negative effects on relationship builiding?
It is such a complex and personal issue.

I've been thinking about this whole thing for hours, and there are so many men that I have left my children with, and would happily again. MrCSWS has been alone with DD I am sure, PsychoDad5, MrMustRunMore will be alone with them next week.

I may be naive, but I am happy the way I do things.

dittany AMEN

anonforthisthread - i am with you

No! I was joking

He is coming to stay this weekend though.

• given that until last week I didn't even know Pan was in fact a man, I would not be surprised by anything....

I agree with anon.