Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

PYF - since 1997, anyone convicted of a sexual offence must register with their local police - address etc, and be expected to be 'open' about anyone living there and such like. [at moment there is no right of entry].

A Sex Offender Prevention Order SOPO, is sometimes made at the time of sentence, which can restrict offenders from doing certain things/being in places etc., for a minimum period, or for life.

Thanks Pan
Can you move abroad when on SOR?

vvvvq that is SUCH a valid point and actually i think the crux of this debate

But ruty - exactly who is perpetuating this "idea"?

not sure - never had to contend with that one. Am guessing yes, as to not do so would be a massive infringement, rightly or wrongly.

try googling Sex Offenders Register Uk, if it has that interest for you??

sadly yes thanks Pan!

Isn't that what some people including Pan proposed?

What an awful situation

You have to go with your gut instinct I think. You can always review the situation later. I can't imagine a more difficult position to be in really.

I must say I am shocked at the no male contact thing too - it has never occurred to me to worry about it, I have left dd with other men before (very good male friends with their kids too)

In fact dd has a playdate on Weds, I was going to ring the mum and say I had to work but dh would be there. Should I just cancel? I would hate for her to feel put in a position by it

ruty - no it isn't!!!!!!!!! FFS X a zillion.

off to dance class with dd. >

I think Kerry's views are extreme, in relation to not allowing a lone male to be with her child, but tbh, it's rare that this is going to occur anyway, I can count the number of males I have left my DC's alone with on one hand, one of those was their dad, one their stepdad, so it's not something she will have to go to great lengths to stop it happening.

I do think it is an issue left over from past experiences, but we all have those, I get extremely antsy about anyone not believing something my child has said, because I wasn't believed, so it is understandable, it just saddens me that we have to look at people in this way.

It doesn't need to get this nasty though, I think we are all agreed that we must do as much as we feel possible to protect our children from harm, and in some posters opinion that is not leavng them alone with someone, in others it's the way we educate them.

I think this is getting beyond a point of discussion now though and people are taking chunks out of each other in the most horrid ways.

I thought we were meant to be adults?

OK sorry, must have read thread too quickly. Apologies.

sorry ruty. bit OTT!!!.

no probs!

I feel that to disallow your children to spend any time with any lone male is irrational - that is my opinion Dittany and 'irrational thought' is just counselling terminology which is possibly why the confusion in what I am saying has arisen. It does not mean that I believe an individual to be irrational.

I also said many times that I understand why Kerry feels like this but that is was unfair to accuse other posters of being ineffective parents because they don't have that rule.

I don't feel that I should not allow my children to spend time on their own with their uncles, my dp, trusted male or female friends. I accept that there is an element of risk but I think that life contains risk and all we can do is to arm ourselves and our children as best we can. Some posters take the extreme approach and others take a different one.

Where was I rude? Please quote.

Indeed Paula.

There is an underlying assumption of paranoia - particularly wrt to KM. I think that someone who has experienced abuse - particularly at first hand, has a pretty good idea of the lengths an abuser will go to to cover their tracks, to get in contact with their victims in the first place and potentially groom them, and what kind of scenarios would have alarm bells ringing in their heads.

Now, no-one has said "no men having lone contact" here. This seems to keep being dragged up when it hasnt actually been said. However, I think that someone who has experienced abuse knows more than anyone that abusers dont have this stereotypical "pervert" look about them. They'll also be very sensitive to anything inappropriate that may have occured.

I really feel for KM - she's had some really ignorant comments levelled at her on this thread.

It might be a subject that some people cant get to grips with, or be able to have any concept of, but, it doesnt mean it doesnt happen - it happens everyday, in all walks of life to all different families. I think having an awareness of this, and taking steps to reduce the risk of such things happening to your own is perfectly reasonable. No sane person would be affronted by a parent being wary of them, because they want to protect a child they think a great deal of, surely?

I am stunned thatthis is still going on.
how terribly painfull for teh OP who is dealing with something so horrific to have to see this each time she comes online.

i have not read all teh updated posts but i did reaed Pagwatches. Incredibly insightfull.

Wisteria - what is "any lone male" to you then?

Surely as in everything there is the thing of extremes - it is extreme to act as if nothing has happened (as in the case of the OP's family), and it is extreme to never trust.

I'm confused VVVQV - Pan said no males have lone contact with his DD..... so have others. Have I got the wrong end of the stick with what you were saying?

VVV - it was further down in the thread when someone said that they wouldn't feel comfortable leaving their children with any male person, grandfather, uncle etc.

The thread has gone way too far now and as Pan pointed out has become sparring like with chunks being ripped out of each other.

I apologise to anyone I've caused offence or upset to (without intending to) but I think many posts on here have been offensive and abusive and the majority of them have been in direct response to something else said to them.

I honestly think that even if you have been through horrific experiences it does not give you the right to say some of the things which have been said on here - I think that's why I got heated (well relatively, for me anyway).

Haven't read the whole thread as it's a tad long and have no idea what's being debated at the minute BUT......

To the OP, go with your instinct. Keep your baby away, far away. Why would anybody allow supervised access for a known paedophile? I don't get it, I couldn't bare the thought of my little girl being anywhere near someone like that. Surpervised or not. It makes me feel ill to think of it. Just because another adult is in the room with them doesn't stop your FIL from being a convicted paedophile who gets off at looking at children. Sorry to be blunt.

I know of a girl who was abused to measures I can't even believe are true, when she was very young. Now in her mid 20's, she's incredibly unstable even now as she's never gotten over it. I doubt she ever will. And nor will her mother, who had no idea it was happening.

You can't cross over sides with this sort of thing, you have to remain on the 'stay the hell away from my child' side. I would also be very and about a woman who chooses to stay with a man like that. My dd wouldn't be anywhere near them, either of them. No matter how much of a rift it may cause. She comes first, always.

I don't think anyone (althoughnI don't have time to read the whole thread again) has suggested that the OP allow her FIL to have any contact with her dd.

I wouldn't - just as I don't allow my children to have contact with people from my past.