Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Who has bombarded who with questions?

nah, you're just laidback..

Dittany - I didn't say KM was irrational or that she needed counselling - I simply asked whether she'd received it but it's not been taken in the spirit it was meant. It was meant in an empathic way not as a means of proving my point. I feel very strongly that those viewpoints put, not only by KM but also by other posters are irrational.

I am not trying to shut anyone up or score points (that would be a foul thing to do to someone who has suffered such trauma) - this is something I feel strongly about and the only reason this has become so heated is because it's a very emotive point and reactions and views are extreme.

Kerry - won't you even entertain the possibility that not letting your boys be alone with an adult man at all until they are 18 is just a little extreme? Will you go into the doctor or the dentist with them when they are 16? Will you be sitting in music lessons with them when they are 15? Are you sure they won't have a say in this?

I support Kerry. Seeker we've been on the "opposite" side of this argument before . I think Kerry is looking at the possibility of some minor inconveniencing as opposed to the possibility of life-changing trauma, and is making her choice based on experience. I'm sure she will cross bridges when she comes to them, I'm sure she has individual situations to consider every single day, and we are lucky that we don't feel we have to give these things as much thought as she does.

KM is absolutely right, of course, in the sense that every male is potentially a child abuser if only in the same sense that every person is potentially capable of murder, every aeroplane potentially capable of crashing, every car journey potentially capable of being fatal. Arguably the safest way to avoid these risk is to avoid any situation which includes them.

The key, as always is striking a balance. People will have very different views on a specific risk. If you've been in a plane crash which killed several people you're likely to perceive plane travel to be much riskier than someone who has made hundreds of safe flights. Looking at things subjectively therefore tends to give an unfair assessment of the risk. Given what KM has said, it's hardly surprising that she views all men as presenting an unacceptable risk. That's not, of course, to say that they are.

In this particular case though, personally I would want to avoid any contact. Part of this is logical in that he is clearly a potential risk having been convicted of serious child sex offences. You could mitigate that by having strictly supervised visits or other severe constraints. Partly, however, I would just feel deeply uncomfortable having someone around my child capable of harbouring those sort of thoughts or images of children.

it's perverse to say not letting one's dd alone with males is "irrational" as I keep reading some posters say it is. It is based in compelling empirical evidence. Not "panic" or "fear-driven". Nothing so emotionally unstable.

I have ignored the "what if" questions - at some points, at some stage she will be/ have been in this circumstance. But as a practice to reduce this as much as possible is utterly sane, and not revealing any of the above alleged behavioural characteristics.

So nur. Not sure whatelse I can contribute to this thread so will be off.

Do you not think it's sexist though pan? Why not extend it to any lone adult? Women are equally capable of some horrific things, believe me.

I do understand completely why KM feels the need to do this for the reasons that cestlavie puts so eloquently but to come back with suggestions that those of us who don't feel like this are either ineffective or not doing our jobs as parents is frankly insulting.

Wisteria you say you have engendered your children to tell you anything

A very close female relative of mine was sexually abused at the age of 5 by another very close male relative of mine.

The 5 year old girl did not even know how to put the "anything" into relevant words until she was 13 and it took her until she was 17 before she had the courage to tell other adults about the abuse

This rather makes a mockery of your point re the "telling"

Frankly I don't like the way you are speaking to kerrymum

You genuinely don't have a clue what it is like unless you have been close to this kind of thing

I have realised that I don't allow my dd to be alone with a.n. other male (except dh). For me it's perfectly rational.

Sexist? Nooo. Prejudicial? No. The judging is being done by the evidence. this isn't 'action through ignorance'. It's through being aware of the evidence.

and females - I posted on this infintessimal feature of sex offending yesterday.

After being away at work all day and coming ot pick up on this thread, it does make me want to get one or two posters by the scruff of the neck and stand them infront of a board, wherupon ALL of the evidence of what we know about male abusers is writ large. and request that parents like KM or I, or anyone else, are not labelled as "overprotective, damaging to your dcs, sexist, menhaters" blah-de-blah

But Cam - based on everything said - why, other than the irrational statement of love, is your DH considered safe when any other men aren't?

(Genuine question trying to understand this way of thinking)

I think this thread is really interesting in spite ofthe hight of the emotion around it.
I think it is one ofthosethings where once you have a certain experience it changes your perspective and it is so hard to reconcile your ' knowledge' withthe way the rest ofthe world operates.
Its like when they trot out someone with liver damage or lung cancer to say " if only I had known x I would not have done y" which of course is bollocks because anyone watching is looking on at this person who just seemed destined to get that particular shit burger to eat. We never honestly look at people who are unfortunate in life and think 'gosh she was just like me and then bam' - we see them through the lense of the thing that has happened to them.

I think that the fact that the thread is so polarised is such a shame because thje women here who have been abused do have information that most people should just file in the back of their head - like that little instruction on how to deal with febrile convulsions in your baby book .

In no particular order I do wish people would truly understand that

1. avuse is a hidden issue. I never told anyone until I was 40 - so those amongst my friends who were happily saying I don't know anyone who has been abused were sadly wrong.
2. once I told people ( or stopped not telling IYSWIM) FIVE people admitted to me that they had been abused too. I worked in the city amongst lawyers and business types. this is not an issue of class or education but i think the shame affects some people more than others - the negative jeremy kyle effect if you will.
3. abusers are not stranger danger. I wish just once they would make a film where someone like Will Smith - or Brad Pitt or I don't know, someone funny and engaging -played the role. And played it funny and engaging. Because the truth is that abusers are often trustworthy. They are often likeable. they are often charming. When my abuser died he had a huge funeral because just everyone loved him. Everyone.

But I have two sons and one has special needs and the 'weirdo perv' fright stories alarm me enormously because when he is a man he will be 'strange' and that will make this endlessly two dimensional discussion about abuse a terrible threat to him.
i don't think all men are potential abusers.
but i think some real understanding of what to look for and an understanding of how this works would be helpful for parents and more importantly children

ARRRRGGHHH

this thread makes me want to scream

Poor Kerrymum - its bloody partonising to tell victims of abuse to 'calm down' - i know....

There is a need to balance our lives on this issue - but NO ONE WHO HAS BEEN ABUSED WILL BE ABLE TO DO THIS WITH EASE
please try to empathise

Cam - what do you mean by 'the way I am talking to KM'? I don't think I have been rude or offensive in my posts, although I did have a bit of provocation I chose not to rise to it.

The counselling idea was not meant as anything other than what it was, just a question.

What makes you think I don't have any experience in this matter? I'm not into self disclosure for various reasons but I do have experience in this field.

This is an open forum where we express views and debate them. We have differing views.

pagwatch - eloquently put and with evident insight - i agree!

I don't think anyone said that it would be easy for abuse victims to find the balance, just that some balance could possibly be good.

Fair request Pan - I can apologise if I have caused upset to anyone as it was unintentional. I thought it was just a debate and open forum and still don't understand why it is ok for some to have strong views but not others.

I did get cross admittedly, which is wrong but because it is a subject that is also close to my heart.

i agree Flame

Pan - I am unsure exactly what field you work (ed) in but you seem to know something (!) i would love to know exactly what being 'on the sex offenders register' means to someone??? ( desperate to know actually but no idea who to ask)

Yes, but conversely flamey - it could be argued that those who have direct experience, or, suffered abuse perhaps have more balance wrt to the seriousness, underhandedness of abusers, probable scenarios than those who just dont have a clue or any concept or experience of what abuse entails?

If I knew anyone who had a record of looking at child pornography I would not want them having access to my child.

However, I am very upset at this idea that no man should have access alone with a child. Does this include fathers? If not why does it include grandfathers? I would prefer infinitely to leave my ds with my father than some 16 year old female babysitter, and do. My father will entertain ds, read him stories, play games and I can trust him to look after him as well as he looked after me as a child. How appalling that people should be proffering the idea that all grandfathers should not be left alone with their grandchildren.