Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

and jolly well looking forwards to it..and "shared MNing from the same 'puter. I see fights!"

no, it isn't significant there are no g'dads or uncles in striking range. Not at all.

neither dd's mum nor I see anything 'extreme, odd, irrational". Rather, "measured, sane,and entirely rational", for the reasons listed below. and dd has plenty of good male role models in her life - I listed them somewhere down this Veerry Loooong thread. And am slightly that posters go to the bother of re-reading my posts to prove a point. Do hope points have been proven.

now that anon is getting lots of support from dh and has come to a decision, is there anything else to add here?? Not sure there is.

I don't think wisteria has done anything wrong. She had a strong opinion about the no males thing and she felt she had a right to voice her opinion (as indeed she does). I think the strong emotion on the side of the opposing side unfortunately led to some pitch forks being brandished. That is my opinion, and I am aware it is not one echoed by the majority on this thread. I think the counselling comment was a bit insensitive perhaps, but I don't think it was raised with the intention of insulting KM.

wisty - didn't we exchange on the wonders of Lathkill Dale and Bradford Dale not so long ago??? Was in Youlgreave a few weeks ago - on a quite road so dd could practice her riding of bike.

Lol - I only reread because I was intrigued by what VVVQV had said and I wanted full facts. I promise, I'm not normally crazy stalker

DH has offered to set up another laptop for you whilst you are here so we can communicate in the usual fashion

That is, after he has set up the webcam in DD's room just to be sure [relevant]

Ooooh I am intriguing people

My apologies to you btw op. I didn't even pay attention to your name, just changed mine for posting on your thread. Sorry for any confusion

over my dead body would a convicted peodophile go any where near my children i wouldnt care who it was , dont care who it would offend and who it would upset never in a million years i dont care how reabilitated never never never

Always

anon, (op). i have some professional experience of working with people in your exact situ... am assuming your fil has been placed on the sex offenders register. I know social services are unpopular at times with mnet but have you considered contacting them about this issue. they will conduct a detailed risk assessment of fil in conjunction with probation and are likely to recommend no contact anyway,.. this might help you and your husband form a united front... just a thought as the social workers i work along side have always been very clear and helpful with issues like this one. good luck with your preg..

I was abused by my grandfather for a number of years until I was 16. My grandmother knew something was wrong and she did nothing. Even when I told my parents at 16, nothing was done. When I was 24 he was charged and committed suicide. Still my grandmother insists he did nothing.

I only had DS1 before he died, he saw him once, for 2 minutes (I didn't know he was at my parents), I didn't allow him to touch him. Then I left. My grandmaother is still laive and I would never ever trust her with my children. She didn't protect me, so why would I trust her with my children. I have similar feelings about my parents. While I am as sure as I can be that my dad would never abuse my children, I still feel utterly let down by them in the way they dealt with the situation and allowed the man to still visit their home that I don't feel I can ever fully trust them with my children either. They don't stay at my parents house, partly because of the bad memories I have of there and partly because I don't trust them totally. An awful ting to think about your parents, but there you go.

To the OP, I wouldn't let this man OR his wife anywhere near your baby, or anyone who insists he is innocent.

I don't however do the 'no male contact' thing. they are all boys, they need maleness in their lives. I trust who they are with fully (generally close male friends of DH and I) and if I didn't they wouldn't be near them.

Squirdle I really feel for you.

The few family members who knew about the abuser in my family did not act either. He died a few years ago (not of old age).

I do have a fairly good relationship with my parents considering everything, but I still don't fully trust them and sadly never will. They love their grandsons and I am sure they would never intentionally allow any harm to come to them, but they were supposed to protect me too. And they didn't. My grandmother hasn't even met my 3 and 5 yr olds.

Cam, it's just unbelievable isn't it! If we knew a child was being abused or had been, we would do something, why didn't our families? DH is sad he never met my grandfather. My grandfather is lucky he never met DH.

The family should have told you, do not let him anywhere near your child ,these people learn to play at being normal but are not,they do not see what they have done as wrong.You have a right to your child to protect it.
I feel you would never forgive yourself if anything ever happened,follow your maternal instinct.

If you allow your baby to develop a relationship with the FIL - and presumably you won't tell the child about grandpa's "problem" - then you're opening the child up for abuse. Grandpa will be grandpa, not a stranger, and if he shows up at school one day, the child just might go with him. As hard as it is, you have to cut ties. It seems cruel to the MIL, and it is. But your 1st responsibility is to that child. I have a friend who was sexually abused by her grandfather, and it has ruined many aspects of her life. she is so ashamed of it, to this day she has never told her family (and he is now dead). Kids will keep secrets. Don't take the chance.

Its so sad that at this time in your life when you are nurturing your child you have to deal with this god awful situation. No man or woman related or otherwise would be allowed near my children if they had been convicted of harming a child in any way, that includes facilitating this disgusting arms length abuse (wasnt me i just looked crap).

The family are obviously in denial, but thats their problem, you are not. You have the information, you know he masturbated over images of children being sexually abused and raped, lets not pretend otherwise!!

Keep your child away from him and the family, they may well although unwittingly be a good cover story for his new found "reformation"

No second chances where kids are involved. good luck.

You cannot please everyone in this situation- it is impossible...those in denial will just have to deal with the consequences of their decision not to act. All you can do is prioritise by who needs protection the most. Obviously, any children attached to the immediate family are the most vulnerable, so their needs must be met first. Protection, not only from potential sexual inappropriateness but also from non-contact abuse (ie voyeurism, being filmed, photographed etc). This kind of abuse has serious consequences also and needs to be taken seriously- I have recently made the decision not to allow my father contact with my DD and future DC (am pregnant) as he touched me inappropriately as a child (only happened a couple of times and wasn't a serious sexual assault, but was traumatic nonetheless) and I also felt he was always watching me trying to change blahblah. I told my mum when a teenager and she didn't believe me and took no action. Twenty years later (and having had an often very close relationship with my mum- you don't stop loving people who let you down), after having my first child, I realised that I could never trust my father her and started the painful process of confrontation/therapy and resolution. With my husband and friend's help I have reached a point where I feel no guilt about excluding my father from my life and my mum (who has once again stood by her husband, lying to herself and the rest of the family about having known about it for years) now sees my DD once a week for an afternoon unsupervised (daughter can communicate enough to tell me if she's seen her GD or been to their house so I am comfortable with this) but it has caused a huge rift in the family. It has been hard but I know in my heart that I've done the right thing for my children, husband and myself. If people support an abuser, then they are complicit in the abuse. You can't change people's minds about what they believe or choose not to see BUT you can take action to keep your child as safe as possible. Your husband should definitely receive some counselling to come to terms with what has happened and how he sees things panning out with his own children. It takes time to get your head around this issue and you should also take all the time and space you need.

Anon4, I hope what I am about to say does not offend, but pleaase think carefully before you give or indeed let any one take photos/videos of your child which could be given to your fil.

very close to my experiences mrs macaroon and an excellent way of dealing with it ..... all the best with your pregnancy x

MrsMac, Wonderfully put. I think that is one of the best pieces of advice on here.

I have something I would like to ask those who were abused. I hesitate to ask this because I don't want to dredge up horrible memories for people.... so please, don't anyone feel obliged to think about this or answer.

My question is: were there signs that your parents could/should have picked up? Some sign that an apparently harmless person wasn't harmless?

We've heard on this thread that abusers can be very convincing, charming people. I'm wondering if there are patterns of behaviour that look innocent but should ring alarm bells?

And as I said, please ignore if this is a difficult question.

Dear Wellie Mum; I read Mrs Macaroons thread and it echoed mine except ours was a Brother. We were basically terrorised within a large violent family for years, both physically and sexually. Ironically I went on to work in housing assisting both victims and in some cases perpetrators (dont all scream at once at me). In my mid fifties I am still screwed up about it. But to return to your theme wellie, as a victim and having professional experience, many families are unable to deal with it and any victim who "rocks the boat" will find that the mafia rule of "omerta" - silence, becomes an unspoken and terrific pressure on the victim. You must remember that often within families it is the people who you are told are supposed to love you who do this and, as children, people are conflicted. Its easy to say "I would do this or that" if you are 11 with no way out and people disbelieving or, as is often the case, simply choosing to ignore the signs for fear of shattering an already fragile family situation. Try being in the middle of a complex web of family friends, schools, churches clubs where the victim and perpetrator are inter linked. Yes, of course, I would not let my child near him but I would not necessarily isolate everyone else. You know, some of that family might be coming to terms with it themselves. Would you want to believe your husband is a PD? I grew up with the aim of having children who were safe and removed from that life and I achieved that but I do have links with my family but NOT the perpetrator. Its an unspoken thing between us which will only end in the death of either of us. Many "low level" PDs are integrated into society and they are often the ones that "only" (a word often used by social services in these cases) offend within the family opportunistically. It makes me sick to type this but there it is; its complex, horrible and it lives with you forever. Chris Langham uses his "past experiences" to justify his actions. Oh Yeah. How about this clever, well educated man not being able to make the leap between "research" and how the seriously abused children he was watching actually came to be in the films. Crap. Dont pull the victim stunt, Langham. There is plenty of us victims out here and the protection of our kids is our lives.
This is a difficult issue, full of denial, heartbreak and smashed lives but perhaps not everyone in the family involved should be crucified. The rules are simple. No contact with FIL....end of. The others are probably struggling to come to terms and perhaps they will but dont allow pressure on you. sorry, rambling. Tired and sad. Too man bad memories.

Partsky
I was interested in wellie's question too and I woul dlike to say thanks for sharing your own experiences. x