Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he still love her?

105 replies

Efhswkr · 28/02/2023 16:31

I’ve been with my DP for almost a year and a half. We are happy together there’s just one issue…his ex.

background:

Me and DP started dating what I believed to be two years after his and his ex separated. However, I recently found out that it was only actually weeks after they last slept together. They kept apparently meeting up and sleeping together after their breakup and once he got with me this ended. His ex does also have a partner now.

DP and his ex are going through some legal processes as the minute as they are trying to sell their house and it’s not selling/buyers keep dropping out.

The issue is they keep what I feel like coming up with excuses to talk to each other. DP and ex have been having zoom calls the two of them to sort through “legal” stuff even though they have solicitors and there’s no need too. He says it’s just to make things more amicable. They’ve had about six of these calls now. He always asks me to go upstairs during these calls or will have them at work. Him and his ex were together 5 years.

Now, they’ve got to meet to sign some document. I did look at his emails and saw that she had suggested they do it via post, she signs it and then he signs it etc rather than meet and DP had replied that he would like to meet with her as he felt they’ve both changed the past few years, are in better places and it would be good to get it signed and sorted in person- and she’s now agreed. He even offered to meet her on zoom or give her a call if she wanted to talk again before they met as he understands they’ll be “anxious” to see each other.

There was also some emails where he’d helped her with a work project (they both are the same industry). I only saw these emails this morning so he doesn’t know I’ve read them yet.

I just feel sort of like shit. He tells me that nothing is untoward, they both have partners and he loves me, and it’s just a polite and kind way of sorting things amicably but they have no kids and I sort of expected it to be clean cut no contact again or contact just through solicitors.

I just don’t know what to make of it all. The rest of our relationship is really happy. I’m pretty sure they’ve not seen each other as she’s up in Scotland and we are in the south west- so it’s not like he’s been sneaking off to see her but it’s just so hard

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 21/03/2023 17:20

It would not have been abusive to have strong, firm boundaries in place (these are what protect us from getting hurt and becoming miserable in a relationship) however you have dropped your boundary to accommodate him and consequently you are in this position

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2023 17:23

If you stood firm and said actually I’m not comfortable with this - then this presented him with a choice and decision to make?!!!!

Did he love you enough to respect your request

or

Was he desperate enough to see this woman one last time and risk losing you

Basically you’ll never know which way he would have gone

Also please understand you are well within your rights in a relationship to raise matters that do not sit right with you. Especially ones like this

’Dont be a stranger’ = Please stay in touch

But why? Didn’t you say he finished it?

MissCrowley · 21/03/2023 18:46

He's taking the piss.

10 years ago I got with my DP. He hadn't long broken up with his current girlfriend when we got together.
She had some stuff at his house and I assumed that I'd be getting a text saying they'd got back together and were trying again. He assured me that that was never going to happen.

Anyway he was texting me, then he said she's here, within 3 minutes I had another text saying "she's gone, I handed her the box of stuff and closed the door before she could open her mouth, what time are you finishing work? Do you fancy coming round?"

So yeah he sounds like a weapon and I'd get rid.

Sickofcoughing · 21/03/2023 21:37

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2023 17:14

You received advice and it seems like you ignored all of it.

kindly you seem a bit desperate to cling on to a man who clearly prefers someone else but as he can’t have her he is sticking with you

Why on earth did you agree to him meeting her?!

5 hours!!!! What on earth were they doing during that time - a signature takes a second

Your gut is telling you something, we are telling you something and even though you know what we are saying is true you have entered into a rental agreement

Honestly he might love you or grow to forget about her but she’s the one imo who he is hankering after……fine if he wants to be that person but you have also chosen to hang on

good luck with him…..

Of all the twatty posts on MN these are the types I hate the most.

"We gave you advice, why haven't you taken it?"

Why would any poster make a decision based purely on advice from strangers on MN?People post here for different perspectives then weigh them up along with their own experience, gut instinct and conversations with people IRL.

Decisions have consequences and life changing ones like these should not be entered in lightly.

Calling her desperate says way more about you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/03/2023 22:50

Sickofcoughing

me too
like why do they even give a fuck
certainly they don’t care abiut the op

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 08:23

Ok maybe it was harsh using the word desperate and apologies to the op if it caused hurt as that was not my intention at all.

The op has been given good advice that she decided to ignore at her own expense though and that was frustrating as the outcome could have been different for her

In the sense that this guy could have paused what he was going to do and thought about what direction he wanted to go in

That didn’t happen- nothing changed and when nothing changes, nothing changes so the op is in exactly the same position she was the day she posted if not worse since he went and got some type of confirmation he wanted to stay in touch with this woman

The only saving grace is that she can look at his emails (how can we call if that) and see what is going on

Ladybyrd · 22/03/2023 08:52

Hardly desperate. We just signed a 12 month tenancy just before this all happened, as I said I’m trying to navigate this and it’s my first proper relationship.

Do you think it's a coincidence that you'd just made a commitment and suddenly he's flip flopping about his ex? It isn't. He's a manipulator who is doing this to boost his self confidence by utterly destroying yours. Maybe he did something similar to her?

See if the tenancy agreement has a break clause. If not, then you can approach the landlord, explain that you're splitting up, and ask to end the tenancy early. Worst case scenario, if you can't stay somewhere else, you'll have to cohabit but live separate lives until the time is up. But if you settle for this treatment now, it will only get worse. What happens if you get pregnant? You will be tied to him for the rest of your life. Not only that, but you would be bringing a child into an incredibly unhealthy relationship.

There are plenty more fish in the sea. You owe it to yourself to do better than this.

Ladybyrd · 22/03/2023 09:03

What does “don’t be a stranger” mean in this context?

I think you know exactly what it means, but you're desperately looking for someone to say it ain't so.

Why aren't you asking him what it means?

Why anyone would settle for this crap is beyond me.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 22/03/2023 09:47

OP - if this house stuff is now resolved, surely you have a good opportunity to just wait and see for a couple of months.

if he keeps finding other reasons to stay in touch, then you have your answer.

RLEOM · 22/03/2023 18:36

Personally, I wouldn't be happy with it, more so because it could've easily been done by post and he's going out of his way to try to meet up in person when it's not necessary. There's obviously some interest there, be it a "brotherly/sisterly" type love or romantic. Either way, there's interest, and I wouldn't be happy with that without knowing 100% as to why.

Namechangenoidea · 22/03/2023 20:53

It’s the sending upstairs thing. I wouldn’t be able to forgive that. He didn’t want you to hear the phone call…

You have to remember when you ask a man something, of course they are going to lie. When you asked him do you have feelings for her. Do you really expect him to say actually yes I do it’s brought back memories. Of course he won’t. I feel like women or men to be fair ask their partners something to get the truth and once they answer they put their minds at rest. It’s crazy! They have no reason to tell the truth they only lose!

Original poster
Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 14:03

I just wanted to update this thread as well, there's been an update...

DP recently found out that his ex and his (distant) friend have been messaging. Apparently she's single again and he found out through the grapevine they've been messaging.

Well, he's gone absolutely ballistic. He's had a go at his friend but has also been on the phone to his ex telling her she can't see him, she's not allowed to message him, it's disrespectful to him.

I'm quite hopeful that finally he will cut her off- but, the past two days all I've heard is about how annoyed my DP is that his ex and friend have been messaging and it fills him with 'anxiety?'

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 03/05/2023 14:12

Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 14:03

I just wanted to update this thread as well, there's been an update...

DP recently found out that his ex and his (distant) friend have been messaging. Apparently she's single again and he found out through the grapevine they've been messaging.

Well, he's gone absolutely ballistic. He's had a go at his friend but has also been on the phone to his ex telling her she can't see him, she's not allowed to message him, it's disrespectful to him.

I'm quite hopeful that finally he will cut her off- but, the past two days all I've heard is about how annoyed my DP is that his ex and friend have been messaging and it fills him with 'anxiety?'

He clearly isn't over her you need to end it move on

See if there is a break clause in your tenancy agreement and run for the hills this one has so many red flags its like a communist reunion

Original poster
Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 14:17

Yeah, I think so, I don't know what is a proportionate reaction to your ex messaging your mates, but this doesn't feel like it.

OP posts:
Nomad12 · 03/05/2023 14:19

He's being SO disrespectful to you! 🤗

Suprima · 03/05/2023 14:22

Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 14:03

I just wanted to update this thread as well, there's been an update...

DP recently found out that his ex and his (distant) friend have been messaging. Apparently she's single again and he found out through the grapevine they've been messaging.

Well, he's gone absolutely ballistic. He's had a go at his friend but has also been on the phone to his ex telling her she can't see him, she's not allowed to message him, it's disrespectful to him.

I'm quite hopeful that finally he will cut her off- but, the past two days all I've heard is about how annoyed my DP is that his ex and friend have been messaging and it fills him with 'anxiety?'

Why are you ‘hopeful’?

there is nothing to be hopeful about

he clearly has a torch for her

Even if he did cut her off, this would just turn him into a lovesick teenager

Original poster
Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 14:33

You are right, I understand that. I guess I was hopeful that now she has 'betrayed' him, he will be done with her for good.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 03/05/2023 14:39

Do you want to spend the next few years of your life wondering when he's going go back to her? It's no way to start a relationship. A year in you really should be his only focus and priority, not wondering if you're a consolation prize.

Puppers · 03/05/2023 14:47

He sounds utterly obsessed with her. I think his explanation that he dumped her because he fell out of love is bullshit. I think she ended it.

This is a bonkers reaction to have about an ex (of several years!) moving on. This is not normal behaviour by any stretch and you need to get rid of him. You'll always be in her shadow.

Original poster
Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 18:11

Puppers · 03/05/2023 14:47

He sounds utterly obsessed with her. I think his explanation that he dumped her because he fell out of love is bullshit. I think she ended it.

This is a bonkers reaction to have about an ex (of several years!) moving on. This is not normal behaviour by any stretch and you need to get rid of him. You'll always be in her shadow.

Thank you, he seems absolutely bereft at the thought of his friend and her being together.

OP posts:
EarthFireAirWater · 03/05/2023 20:51

You deserve better than this. He is being disrespectful to you. And in the end of the day his ex can message whoever the hell she wants. It's none of his business!
I hope both his friend and the ex tell him to get lost.

Quitelikeit · 03/05/2023 21:34

Op why can’t you see how badly this man is treating you?

The ex lives in his head rent free……

You are not as concerned about that as delighted as you are that you think he will cut her off for good now she’s been messaging his friend

I won’t be surprised to see you back here in a few months to say they have been seeing each other again

I do hope that one day you can open your eyes to this spineless man but that you can also find your self respect and run a million miles

ps - make sure you get that super expensive birthday gift you always wanted first!!

Quitelikeit · 03/05/2023 21:36

And the friend and the ex probably feel very sorry for you

perhaps she dumped him
because he was jealous and controlling

Original poster
Efhswkr · 03/05/2023 21:40

Thank you. I apologise if I’m coming across weak, I do feel slightly trapped by our tenancy agreement and also my BF is very good at twisting things to make them seem different

for example, he’s now stating that he doesn’t give a shit who his ex sleeps with, he’s more bothered about his mate and the betrayal of that side.

He’s blocked her now so hoping this will be the end of it.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 03/05/2023 21:41

Dear hid this is hideous.

Don't you want someone who is absolutely thrilled to be with you, rather than someone who is consigned to a life without the one they want?