Does he still love her?

[Efhswkr]

I’ve been with my DP for almost a year and a half. We are happy together there’s just one issue…his ex.

background:

Me and DP started dating what I believed to be two years after his and his ex separated. However, I recently found out that it was only actually weeks after they last slept together. They kept apparently meeting up and sleeping together after their breakup and once he got with me this ended. His ex does also have a partner now.

DP and his ex are going through some legal processes as the minute as they are trying to sell their house and it’s not selling/buyers keep dropping out.


The issue is they keep what I feel like coming up with excuses to talk to each other. DP and ex have been having zoom calls the two of them to sort through “legal” stuff even though they have solicitors and there’s no need too. He says it’s just to make things more amicable. They’ve had about six of these calls now. He always asks me to go upstairs during these calls or will have them at work. Him and his ex were together 5 years.

Now, they’ve got to meet to sign some document. I did look at his emails and saw that she had suggested they do it via post, she signs it and then he signs it etc rather than meet and DP had replied that he would like to meet with her as he felt they’ve both changed the past few years, are in better places and it would be good to get it signed and sorted in person- and she’s now agreed. He even offered to meet her on zoom or give her a call if she wanted to talk again before they met as he understands they’ll be “anxious” to see each other.

There was also some emails where he’d helped her with a work project (they both are the same industry). I only saw these emails this morning so he doesn’t know I’ve read them yet.

I just feel sort of like shit. He tells me that nothing is untoward, they both have partners and he loves me, and it’s just a polite and kind way of sorting things amicably but they have no kids and I sort of expected it to be clean cut no contact again or contact just through solicitors.

I just don’t know what to make of it all. The rest of our relationship is really happy. I’m pretty sure they’ve not seen each other as she’s up in Scotland and we are in the south west- so it’s not like he’s been sneaking off to see her but it’s just so hard

Does anyone have any advice?

[RunTowardsTheLight]

So you live several hours apart and he's arranged to meet her rather than send the documents by post? That seems a bit strange to me. It's not like meeting up for a 30-min coffee and getting them signed. Presumably after such a long journey they'll spend a few hours together?

[Ladybyrd]

I don't think he still loves her necessarily, but he does seem quite perisistent about meeting up. Why? Seems like curiosity. It's disrespectful to you though. And so is sending you out of the room. There is no need for Zoom calls. If she was litigious and was trying to get more than her share, but this seems to be coming from him, not her.

[Quitelikeit]

Its over between them if he wants to move forward then he needs to stop looking back, which imo is exactly what hi is doing

Im not saying he doesn’t love you but he definitely isn’t over her

Sending you out of the room is very disrespectful and a sign that he is doing something he doesn’t want you to pick up on it know about

You might feel reassured by the distance but I wonder what would happen if she ever moved back

I feel like he is going to see her for one last encounter or something

What are you going to do?

[Johnisafckface]

Not sure I'd be okay with this. I wouldn't want them to be acrimonious but they seem too familiar/comfy with each other. ANd the fact he tells you to leave when they have facetime calls raises some red flags to me.

[Neveragain85]

I get that you sometimes have to talk to an ex, fine

I don't think it's normal for him to be so disrespectful to you, to get you to leave the room if they talk...wtf, what an arse

I have an exh & would never do this to a partner as I have nothing to hide & nothing to say to him I wouldn't say in front of others

This would be too much for me

Tread carefully

[category12]

So man sends you out of the room so he can talk to his "ex" repeatedly and manufactures reason to meet up with her.

Of course there's something going on. If it was innocent, there'd be no reason you couldn't hear the calls. Whether she's interested, I'm not sure, but he's definitely up for at least a "goodbye" shag.

Fuck that noise. If I were you, I'd opt out of this drama triangle and leave them to it.

No bloke is worth being made to feel second-best.

[Sickofcoughing]

@Spidermama and @B1rd perhaps it is you two who need to change your perspectives. You both seem to believe that the feelings of ex relationship partners take priority over existing partners. What a weird attitude.

I've a friend like this. Herself and partner split up, promised each other the usual rubbish that they would always be best friends. They remained friendly but still having complicated interactions until he got serious with another woman and stepped away from my friend. She declared to me very sincerely that new girlfriend was going to have to get on with her or it 'just would not work out'. She had no idea that nobody was seeking her validation.

I've been the ex in two relevant situations; the first we remained extremely good friends for years but he phased me out completely when he finally got serious with someone - I heard she was pregnant from other friends. I miss him but am very happy for him. The second guy wanted to stay friends but it was clear he still held a torch for me so I backed away. I met him at a funeral three days before his wedding and he behaved like a character in a really bad romcom toward me. I know he's a good father and husband but I am sickened by how he was gazing at me so lovestruck days before marrying someone else and doing his best to not leave my side. And no I didn't encourage it and everyone else noticed. I had to leave earlier than intended.

Op it's not really clear which scenario you're in but what is a fact is you're not happy with this so you've every right to communicate that.

[Watchkeys]

Even if some people think it's normal, that doesn't mean you can simply make yourself feel ok with it. Your feelings are who you are. Disrespecting them is disrespecting yourself. You don't find things acceptable according to other people's feelings, you base your life around how you feel.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Sickofcoughing
Watchkeys

agree with both 😊

and your friend sounds like an idiot Sick
it’s not how it’s supposed to work !!!!

[Efhswkr]

Hi all, just wanted to update as they met up yesterday. He was gone for about 5 hours in total, didn’t have much to say when he got back other than it was “ok” and he’s glad it’s sorted.

I did stupidly again check his emails and she had written to him saying thanks for his help and glad that it’s sorted etc

and he’s responded to her saying “please don’t be a stranger” and if you need to talk anytime I’m here. She hasn’t replied.

It’s definitely coming from him isn’t it?

[Efhswkr]

Does anyone have any further advice?

[LilLilLi]

I’d be really uncomfortable with this.

It does read like if she was receptive, he’d be open to more with her. There was absolutely no reason for them to meet, 5 hours is a long time and to email once back basically asking her to stay in touch is inappropriate. I wouldn’t like it at all.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

Me and DP started dating what I believed to be two years after his and his ex separated. However, I recently found out that it was only actually weeks after they last slept together. They kept apparently meeting up and sleeping together after their breakup and once he got with me this ended. His ex does also have a partner now.

& that wasn't enough for you to ditch the lying twat?

Also - once he got with me this ended. 😂😂😂
Laughing at HIM not you OP.
Cheats will only ever admit the bare minimum.

Whether he's still "in love" or not is immaterial.
he's taking you for a fool.
I cannot believe you meekly trot upstairs on command so he can chat his ex up on zoom.

he had suggested they do it via post, she signs it and then he signs it etc rather than meet and DP had replied that he would like to meet with her as he felt they’ve both changed the past few years, are in better places and it would be good to get it signed and sorted in person- and she’s now agreed. He even offered to meet her on zoom or give her a call if she wanted to talk again before they met as he understands they’ll be “anxious” to see each other.

He's constantly pushing to meet, chat & facetime with her, he won;t let the solicitors sort things if he can engineer an in-person with her instead, & he is selling you a pile of old hogwash.

Stop tolerating this appalling disrespect & finish it.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Spidermama

Wow! That's a very interesting thread for me to read. I broke up with my dh four years ago when I fell in love with a woman. We have children together (mostly grown up) and we will soon be putting our house on the market. We still live together in different rooms and share friendship groups while respecting each others romantic independence.
We have shared a life together for so long and we will ALWAYS have a special place in each others hearts. And that's the way it should be. I love him as I love my brother or mum, the romance went a long time ago. I support his new relationships fully as I love him and I want him to be happy.
I find it very sad that some new partners seem to want their exes to have acrimonious splits. When one considers that almost half of marriages break up, it's time to change the narrative. Relationships don't fail. They evolve.
Your best chance of keeping this relationship is to respect his other relationships and to trust him. If you don't trust him, you both need to work on that. But please don't expect him to bury his feelings for others. That's painful for them, and could ultimately backfire.

He and I are always praised for the smooth and loving way we have extracted avoiding drama and maintaining affection. I wish more relationships would evolve this way as it would save a lot of pain and hardship.

Did you tell your new partner that you'd stopped having sex with DH 2 years before you met her, but in fact had been shagging him up to just a few weeks prior?

If not, your situation isn't the least comparable.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Sickofcoughing

Oh this is a tough one. He hasn't done much wrong so in one way it would be a shame to let this get in the way of your own relationship if it's happy. But is it really and truly happy - do you genuinely feel loved and like his chosen one?

I know in a past relationship I would have said yes I do but actually I felt that yes I should but I don't.

Bottom line - you're either happy with him or you're not. Anxious, insecure and uneasy is not happy.

Not done much wrong? Jeeze the bar for men here is set so low sometimes.

He started the whole relationship on a massive lie, sends OP upstairs so he can chat up his ex on zoom, pushes & pushes for unnecessary meetings, & makes constant excuses to talk to her.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Efhswkr

It doesn’t feel like brotherly love to be honest. I don’t think he views her in a sisterly way at all and they don’t have children together.

I just mainly don’t understand why he’s going out of his way to help her with her work projects and is so desperate to see her when it could be done via post:

However I am trying to read your responses with an open mind as some have said it does seem normal.

He's doing it because he wants to have his cake & eat it.

He's doing it because you let him. He got the measure of your boundaries when you accepted his initial lie about when they last slept together. He now knows they are so non-existent that he can order you upstairs while he hankers after his ex on zoom ... & you comply.

He's doing it to make you perform the Pick-me Dance.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

[Tescoland]

@Efhswkr

He instigated it as he said he fell out of love with her and that she caused drama a lot for him. I’ve never met her so tried not to judge but I’ve taken his word for that.

He can pretty much say whatever he wants about the break-up and you either choose to believe it or not. He might be lying about it and maybe he was dumped by her.
But know this; he is being extremely inconsiderate with you by initiating all kind of contact with her. I would never do this with a new partner. It is highly insensitive and frankly, an asshole attitude. What the hell did they hire solicitors for if they keep dealing with each other directly all the time?
Does he know he is being a dick?

[LifeExperience]

The answer to your question, OP, is yes.

[RLScott]

@Spidermama

Wow! That's a very interesting thread for me to read. I broke up with my dh four years ago when I fell in love with a woman. We have children together (mostly grown up) and we will soon be putting our house on the market. We still live together in different rooms and share friendship groups while respecting each others romantic independence.
We have shared a life together for so long and we will ALWAYS have a special place in each others hearts. And that's the way it should be. I love him as I love my brother or mum, the romance went a long time ago. I support his new relationships fully as I love him and I want him to be happy.
I find it very sad that some new partners seem to want their exes to have acrimonious splits. When one considers that almost half of marriages break up, it's time to change the narrative. Relationships don't fail. They evolve.
Your best chance of keeping this relationship is to respect his other relationships and to trust him. If you don't trust him, you both need to work on that. But please don't expect him to bury his feelings for others. That's painful for them, and could ultimately backfire.

He and I are always praised for the smooth and loving way we have extracted avoiding drama and maintaining affection. I wish more relationships would evolve this way as it would save a lot of pain and hardship.

Amazing story. He is a saint.

Very few people who were cheated on like that would want anything to do with the other person beyond basic formalities regarding kids.

I know Philip Schofield’s former partner has been civil with him but given his status that’s probably much easier to do.

Immense respect to your ex for being such a selfless person.

[Viviennemary]

It does seem like there is still a strong bond between them. Living in the shadow of an ex is no fun. But its hard to say if there is more to it. Maybe he feels guilty that he is the one who ended it so is being helpful over practical things like house sale.

[RLScott]

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Did you tell your new partner that you'd stopped having sex with DH 2 years before you met her, but in fact had been shagging him up to just a few weeks prior?

If not, your situation isn't the least comparable.

No, @Spidermama cheated on him (a saint who didn’t discard her like 99.9% of the human species would have done). The OP’s other half didn’t cheat on anyone (even if he had split up two weeks, or two years).

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@RLScott

No, @Spidermama cheated on him (a saint who didn’t discard her like 99.9% of the human species would have done). The OP’s other half didn’t cheat on anyone (even if he had split up two weeks, or two years).

He told a huge lie about when he stopped sleeping with his ex.

And she only has his word for this "few weeks" & once he got with me this ended claim. A word he showed her she cannot trust, from the get-go.

[RLScott]

@Viviennemary

It does seem like there is still a strong bond between them. Living in the shadow of an ex is no fun. But its hard to say if there is more to it. Maybe he feels guilty that he is the one who ended it so is being helpful over practical things like house sale.

Concur with this.

Hard to tell OP. He just could be being very considerate with helping her. Now that it’s “sorted” that really that should be it. The “please don’t be a stranger“ comment could be nothing as some are still friends with exes, I wouldn’t like it though. Really nothing should be kept from you so anymore private stuff and that would be a rad flag.

[Efhswkr]

@LilLilLi

I’d be really uncomfortable with this.

It does read like if she was receptive, he’d be open to more with her. There was absolutely no reason for them to meet, 5 hours is a long time and to email once back basically asking her to stay in touch is inappropriate. I wouldn’t like it at all.

Yep, I definitely think that he feels that she’s the one that got away. We are in a very tough situation as we’ve just signed on to a 12 month tenancy and have both paid upfront rent for it.

if we were to split, there isn’t really one person who can take the others place.

I’ve asked him again about her (he’s becoming annoyed) and he just keeps saying “no, I don’t have feelings for her”

[Dery]

What jumps out at me is that he claims to have ended the relationship with his ex because he fell out of love with her but then kept hooking up with her, knowing of course that she still wanted to be with him. That sounds like a truly shitty way to treat anyone. He sounds like a very selfish and inconsiderate individual.