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Original poster

I really dislike my new partners kids

270 replies

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:03

I have been dating a new partner for the best part of 4 months. You've taken it slow and not introduced our kids until recently.

Without sounding cruel, I really do not like my partner's kids. They constantly fight, bicker, talk back and are downright rude to them. Everything is a battle, who is sitting where in the car, bed time, what they are eating for dinner, what they are wearing, what we are doing. More often than not one or both get into a state if they do not get their own way.

It sometimes feels like a negotiation rather than a parent takign the lead.

They are a great person, a great partner and make me really happy. We connect on so many levels, emotionally, in our career, life values and sexually.

But I can't stand the way the kids behave. They can't even sit at a dinner table without having to be babied.

I know as the kids get older things will get easier but at this moment in time I don't like them and I don't like being around them.

I am not saying that I am parent of the year or anything, and they do anamazing job. Event my son has mentioned of their kids are constantly arguing.

It is really putting me off wanting to be with them...

Does that make me a bad person

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
Bepis · 27/02/2023 03:58

@CJsGoldfish He wasn't a stranger, he had actually known my daughter longer than he had known me as he was her passenger assistant for school. My children were practically begging for him to move in but I had to tell them to slow down a bit.

Of course I cared, my kids were the number 1 priority and things would have been handled very differently in different circumstances. Everyones situation is different which I was trying to highlight regards the OP. We don't know whether she knew him before dating or how he/she met the children etc. people are just so quick to criticise the 4 month thing without knowing all the facts. There's no hard and fast rule. Just because it's not how you or others do things doesn't make OP (or me) wrong. That judgement cannot be made based on the very little information we have.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2023 04:05

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:26

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I take it that you are all perfect and have never done anything other than the best. I never realised there were so many ivory towers. It's rather lonely down here with the great unwashed and bad parents.

I wonder whether you all understand the power of your words. I assume you are just taking a break from saving the world, curing kids from cancer.

Or do you just like to try and gloat over those who you think you are better than. Just to make your sad life feel a little bit better than

When a mature adult writes a really judgmental account of why they don’t like a couple of primary aged siblings they don’t know well, all whilst citing how much better behaved their one child is, it’s bound to upset the group of mums from whom you’re seeking advice. I know I’ve had adults judging my dd for no particular reason.

MeganTheeScallion · 27/02/2023 05:01

Tbf OP has done his own bit of gender assuming with 'ladies'.

But yeah, leave them kids alone and call it a (120ish) day(s).

123rainbow · 27/02/2023 05:52

4 months is not taking things slow. All behaviours is children's way of communica ting their feelings. It's likely they feel very anxious and unsettled, this isn't surprising meeting a new person and having to share their parent.

monitor1 · 27/02/2023 06:05

Taking it slow isn't 4 months! But probably good that you've met them so soon - if you really dislike them then surely there's no future for the relationship?

letthatmango · 27/02/2023 06:28

Wow, if I had met a new partner who didn’t like my kids they’d be an EX partner. My reasoning is simple. Kids need absolute safety at home, to feel loved, cared for and cherished. No one has the right to come into a child’s space and take that from them. And at 7 and 9 of course they’re pushing boundaries and squabbling, they’re children!

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/02/2023 06:36

Well said @letthatmango 👏

DarceyG · 27/02/2023 06:55

Feefee00 · 26/02/2023 20:10

You are trying to blend when you have been dating for 4 months. I have cheese in my fridge older than that. No wonder some kids are messed up so many selfish adults out there.

Show quote history

How can that be considered taking it slow? It would be at least a year before I introduced my child. You don’t even have a clue who this man is yet?!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/02/2023 07:01

I would not continue dating them if it were me.

IggysPop · 27/02/2023 07:03

Four months is not long - 16 weeks. It was 16 months in my case, and then a period of time (I think 2 months) meeting each other’s kids before bring everybody together. This was for the kids.

But you actively dislike them. They wIll know, even if you don’t think they know. And no, it won’t get easier as they get older.

MotherOfHouseplants · 27/02/2023 07:10

Four months is not 'slow' by anyone's measure and I'm not surprised they're acting out if they have already been introduced to mummy / daddy's 'friend'. Children aren't stupid. You might want to check if you are the first 'friend' they have been introduced to.

Northernparent68 · 27/02/2023 07:16

Op, can’t you continue the relationship but not see your partners children ?

Dery · 27/02/2023 07:46

@Northernparent68 - but why would it be okay to continue the relationship? The other person’s children come as a package with that other person. If OP - after 4 months and showing no empathy or understanding of the children in question - has decided they don’t like the children in question, they should keep away from their parent. The children’s parents shouldn’t be contemplating a relationship with someone who doesn’t like their children.

Frankly, OP’s snippy and unpleasant response suggests to me that they’re not a particularly nice person anyway and overall the other party is better off without OP.

laroisenoire123 · 27/02/2023 07:46

OP ..stop thinking about yourself and think about the kids.
They are 7 and 9. Parents split up. Then when they spend time with their father, they also have to share the time with you....and also your kids.
Is this woman going to replace mum?
Is dad being dad to these kids as well?
Is dad going to forget about us since there are other kids?

laroisenoire123 · 27/02/2023 07:47

You don't like the kids. Then don't make them suffer watching you and your boyfriend play happy families with your own kids.

PrincessConstance · 27/02/2023 08:07

Dp and I are in the midst of separating and one of the reasons is our parenting styles clash with mine. We've been together for 4 yrs, when they were younger my relationship with them was fine, but now they're growing, one 12 and the other 10, the relationship between his girls and I, is strained.
I want more order and routine, all the other parents ( Dp's ex, new man and Dp) are hands-off and relaxed.
I don't feel like I'm being appreciated or respected.
Dp just says my routine is too strict and I should be more laid back. They're messy and I think they need more order. Homework, tidying, meal times, washing, etc.
Dp just says they're top of the class, well-fed, and happy, I need to chill out and stop being controlling.

So my advice is either back off or leave because as the children grow it doesn't get easier, his kids and he himself have resisted my parenting style.

ThanksItHasPockets · 27/02/2023 08:11

Referring to someone you have been seeing for four months as a 'partner' and introducing your children so early are both indications of pretty poor judgement, OP. Blending families is very very hard and people are rarely honest about how difficult it is, or how much hard work is required in the (relatively rare) cases where it genuinely works in everyone's favour. Introducing your children to a partner or their children after four months is actively harmful to them. Don't do it.

musingsinmidlife · 27/02/2023 08:14

You end the relationship. You aren't going to be compatible as a blended family or as coparents. Things that annoy you at four months will only magnify in the years to come.

WisherWood · 27/02/2023 08:37

surely the dad only sees his kids every other weekend, so can’t you just see him at the times he’s not got his kids over? Take things a bit slower and let it all sink in before trying to blend the families?

There's nothing to say the 'partner' is male. And besides which, my partner is male and has full custody of his child. She's there 7 days a week. Way too many assumptions on this thread.

Channellingsophistication · 27/02/2023 08:39

I dont think this will make for a happy future! Clearly you dont like the kids and they are part of him- he comes as a package. Referring to him as your partner and meeting kids 4 months in is not taking it slow.

Where is the compassion for the two children who will have had hard time with parents separating and probably leading up to that? . Siblings bicker thats normal!

Do you know how many girlfriends they met before you came along? This could have a bearing on how they feel particularly if he is willing to do intros so soon.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/02/2023 10:16

sofasofa42 · 26/02/2023 22:32

Are you a woman dating a woman who has just come out of a heterosexual relationship?
Everyone is assuming you are a guy but to me you seem very female and very full of rage .
Don't be around kids if you don't like them.

I got the impression that the OP was a woman in a homosexual relationship - just the careful use of "they" seemed to point towards it.

Onemyownhere · 27/02/2023 11:06

Xol · 26/02/2023 23:10

Why does everyone assume OP is female and the partner is male?

Because i thought this was mumsnet thats why i presumed OP was female... But i just guessed that her partner was male tbh

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2023 12:31

Shauny098 · 27/02/2023 00:10

Christ almighty…4 months is a long time when you’re in love and sure in who he is. Ppl saying you should wait a year or more are ridiculous! And tbh it’s best you have met the kids sooner rather than later because you don’t like them and I’m afraid to say that if you don’t they will always be a problem (for a good while anyway) so you should probably call it a day (and you’ve only wasted 4 months on him).

You can sure on him but if his kids aren’t for you then he’s not for you unfortunately.

Show quote history

How about what's best for the children rather than what's best for the adults?

If the adults aren't right and they move on to someone else, how many 'step-parents' are too many?

JassyRadlett · 27/02/2023 13:06

Based on OP's history I'm pretty sure that the partner is a woman - OP was married to a woman and after that had another LTR with a woman.

It's so interesting that some people got a female vibe off their posts, I got totally the opposite! Something about it felt very male to me.

Mind you there are several mysteries - how old is their son, who didn't seem to be around in 2019 when OP was worried about the impact on his 5yo daughter of leaving her stepmother? How's the daughter doing now?

SwingingPendulousBabylons · 27/02/2023 13:42

Bepis · 26/02/2023 22:21

@SwingingPendulousBabylons By 4 months, I was engaged and planning a wedding. It's different for everyone.

Fair enough. I don't suppose you had a child and were marrying someone with two children whom you disliked, though, and who barely knew you.