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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really dislike my new partners kids

270 replies

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:03

I have been dating a new partner for the best part of 4 months. You've taken it slow and not introduced our kids until recently.

Without sounding cruel, I really do not like my partner's kids. They constantly fight, bicker, talk back and are downright rude to them. Everything is a battle, who is sitting where in the car, bed time, what they are eating for dinner, what they are wearing, what we are doing. More often than not one or both get into a state if they do not get their own way.

It sometimes feels like a negotiation rather than a parent takign the lead.

They are a great person, a great partner and make me really happy. We connect on so many levels, emotionally, in our career, life values and sexually.

But I can't stand the way the kids behave. They can't even sit at a dinner table without having to be babied.

I know as the kids get older things will get easier but at this moment in time I don't like them and I don't like being around them.

I am not saying that I am parent of the year or anything, and they do anamazing job. Event my son has mentioned of their kids are constantly arguing.

It is really putting me off wanting to be with them...

Does that make me a bad person

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:

WisherWood · 27/02/2023 19:06

Nevertheless, as you correctly surmise you and pp are very unusual outliers. In my professional life I deal every day with the fallout of parents introducing their children to a new step-parent or a new set of siblings far too early in a relationship, and it is always, always the children who suffer. The vast majority of people rushing to introduce their children to their new date or to blend their families are not acting in the children's best interests and do not generally have good judgement. In extreme cases the consequences can be absolutely catastrophic and it is irresponsible to normalise this kind of impetuous decision-making when there are children involved, even if it worked out wonderfully in your own case.

Indeed. During the time I've been with my DP his ex has introduced their child to several men, all of whom were 'the one'. She was convinced within one or two dates that she was going to marry whichever one she was with at the time. So she introduced their child within a few weeks of meeting them. And over, and over again she has broken up with the latest love of her life. It is deeply unsettling for the child.

So it's great if you meet someone you click with straightaway. It's wonderful if you fall in love within hours/ days/ weeks/ nanoseconds/ whatever. And if it works out long term, brilliant. But other people have been just have convinced and it hasn't always worked out for them. So when kids are involved, personally I'd always wait a little while.

laroisenoire123 · 28/02/2023 00:03

His children came along way before you did.
They can never be ex-kids . They are his kids for life.
But you can become ex-girlfriend.
Right now its a grown up v. a 7 and 9 year old.
You don't have to see his kids, and best you don't. The kids want to spend time with their dad, not you. And you and your ex should not impose it. I don't think they like you either.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/02/2023 10:25

Bepis · 27/02/2023 16:51

@category12 It's really not infatuation. I knew within 2 weeks I wanted to marry DH. When it's right it's right.

Good for you Bepis - but that was pure luck, not judgement.

How many thousands of women have fallen just as hard, just as quickly, only to later discover they've been love bombed by a loser?

Bepis · 28/02/2023 19:19

@KettrickenSmiled It was judgment. I'd been through enough to know what I want and didn't want and knew exactly what red flags to run away from.

Griefgood · 28/02/2023 19:33

Bepis · 27/02/2023 18:16

@category12 I was speaking with respect to people not understanding that 4 months can be more than plenty to know you want to spend you lift with someone. And it was handled appropriately with the children, they were the ones begging for us to move in together. Daughter knew DH before I knew him.

It might be long enough for the couple but not for the kids, and describing it as taking things slowly is ridiculous.

You've maybe lucked out.

ThanksItHasPockets · 28/02/2023 19:36

KettrickenSmiled · 28/02/2023 10:25

Good for you Bepis - but that was pure luck, not judgement.

How many thousands of women have fallen just as hard, just as quickly, only to later discover they've been love bombed by a loser?

Show quote history

Or an abuser.

Bepis · 28/02/2023 19:37

@Griefgood Whatever works for each family. Depends on circumstances

Griefgood · 28/02/2023 19:38

Bepis · 28/02/2023 19:37

@Griefgood Whatever works for each family. Depends on circumstances

Well it clearly isn't working for OP, and 4 months is still not taking it slowly!!!!!!!!!

iamenough2023 · 28/02/2023 21:16

I do not know if you guys noticed but the OP has long gone.

Bepis · 28/02/2023 21:19

iamenough2023 · 28/02/2023 21:16

I do not know if you guys noticed but the OP has long gone.

It would seem so but can't really blame her as she got a lynching over something she never even asked for an opinion on.

category12 · 28/02/2023 21:28

Bepis · 28/02/2023 21:19

It would seem so but can't really blame her as she got a lynching over something she never even asked for an opinion on.

Show quote history

It's really inappropriate to use that term when the it's merely people disagreeing with OP's post on the internet. No-one died here. People have opinions. It's nothing like a lynching. "Oh no some people didn't validate my choices online -how terrible. I couldn't leave or hide the thread if I didn't like what they were saying, it was like being killed in a horrific way." Good grief. 🙄

Bepis · 28/02/2023 22:11

@category12 We will agree to disagree.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/02/2023 22:23

@Bepis - of course it is possible to fall in love and know almost immediately that this is The One. But I would argue that, where there are children involved, the adults should take things slowly, to allow the children time to adapt.

Four months is nowhere near long enough to be introducing a new partner to one’s children - no wonder these children are acting out.

Greekislandhopper · 01/03/2023 00:51

OP long gone but an extremely defensive poster called @Bepis seems to have willingly taken their place. If you have no DC, then moving in together is about you two. If you have DC, it’s about them! Always. Kids trump BF. And four months is the opposite of taking it slow. Self-absorbed new relationship at work here, minimising the children. might have worked out for @Bepis but as Pp pointed out - that’s luck not judgement

Greekislandhopper · 01/03/2023 00:56

Utterly irresponsible IMHO. 4 months is 16/17 weeks - 120 days, max. It’s a heartbeat!

Bepis · 01/03/2023 07:00

Greekislandhopper · 01/03/2023 00:51

I was trying to put another perspective forward and trying to explain that we don't know the circumstances around how long they have known each other etc.

I think anyone would get defensive at random strangers trying to insinuate their marriage is superficial and not real love etc...and then going on to say it's just pure luck...based on very little information. In addition to that, you know very little about my current personal circumstances as to why my nerves are frayed and why I perhaps cannot tolerate insensitive comments right now as well as I usually would. But that's a whole other thread.

Anyway, the reason I raised my own situation seems to have got lost and the point completely missed.

On that note, I think it's best I bow out of the thread and hide it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/03/2023 07:14

4 months isn’t taking it slow !!!

if he’s generally fun , can’t you see him without kids
just have fun and no rush to blend families

leave them be - and they are processing ALOT

WisherWood · 01/03/2023 08:20

From the very first sentence of the OP:

I have been dating a new partner for the best part of 4 months. You've taken it slow and not introduced our kids until recently.

'Best part of four months' so it might not even be four months in total. There's nothing in there to say 'I realise this might seem fast but I've known them for several years as a friend'. There's nothing mitigating it. There's just an assumption that introducing each other's children within four months is slow.

Comments on this weren't a reflection on other people's relationships but on the OP. And they were pertinent - the kids' behaviour indicates that they were troubled by this.

I think anyone would get defensive at random strangers trying to insinuate their marriage is superficial and not real love etc...and then going on to say it's just pure luck.

I don't think anyone said this. Most people criticising you, @Bepis were saying you cannot know for sure within a few months and that whatever you felt, introducing children into the mix isn't a great idea. The luck part was that whatever you were feeling developed into real love. They're not criticising your current situation, just giving a different interpretation of how it developed.

For those who believe in love at first sight, do you think your relationship changes over time, that the love deepens and develops? Or do you think you remain permanently in that first star-struck phase?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/03/2023 12:34

@Bepis - I said that I do believe that love at first sight can happen - I am sure it does, and can be deep and long lasting.

My point was that, when children are involved, even people who have fallen deeply and truly in love at first sight MUST put the needs of the children first, and while they are absolutely entitled to move as fast as they want in the relationship themselves, they need to move much more slowly when it comes to the children. So they can be as intense as they want when it's just them, but they need to wait much longer than 4 months before introducing the children to their new partner and their children (if they have any).

Let the kids gradually get used to the idea that there is someone new in mum's/dad's life and that this new person is not going to have a negative impact on the time their parent spends with them, and then when they are happy with that, it's time to think about how and when to introduce them to the new person in their parent's life - and do so gradually and sensitively.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/03/2023 22:02

My mum has been married 5 times and had live-in relationships with another man (who was younger than me) 4 of those happened between the ages of 7 and 21.

She's now on marriage number 5 who has thankfully stuck for the past 20+ years but as one of the children embroiled in these transient relationships, I don't recommend it if you don't want fuck your kids up.

Pretty sure my stepdads didn't like me much either.

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