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Original poster

I really dislike my new partners kids

270 replies

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:03

I have been dating a new partner for the best part of 4 months. You've taken it slow and not introduced our kids until recently.

Without sounding cruel, I really do not like my partner's kids. They constantly fight, bicker, talk back and are downright rude to them. Everything is a battle, who is sitting where in the car, bed time, what they are eating for dinner, what they are wearing, what we are doing. More often than not one or both get into a state if they do not get their own way.

It sometimes feels like a negotiation rather than a parent takign the lead.

They are a great person, a great partner and make me really happy. We connect on so many levels, emotionally, in our career, life values and sexually.

But I can't stand the way the kids behave. They can't even sit at a dinner table without having to be babied.

I know as the kids get older things will get easier but at this moment in time I don't like them and I don't like being around them.

I am not saying that I am parent of the year or anything, and they do anamazing job. Event my son has mentioned of their kids are constantly arguing.

It is really putting me off wanting to be with them...

Does that make me a bad person

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 27/02/2023 14:41

Yeah @whattodonext09 is definitely a bloke

KettrickenSmiled · 27/02/2023 14:48

You don't have a partner, you have a new girlfriend/boyfriend who you have been getting to know on a dating basis for just 4 months.

Now you have discovered that you cannot stand their kids, your only option is to stop dating them.

It's not fair on the, not fair on you, & certainly not fair on the kids to continue.
You won't be able to change their behaviour, & it's not within your remit to even try.
They constantly fight, bicker, talk back and are downright rude to them. Everything is a battle, who is sitting where in the car, bed time, what they are eating for dinner, what they are wearing, what we are doing. More often than not one or both get into a state if they do not get their own way.

It sometimes feels like a negotiation rather than a parent takign the lead.

They are a great person, a great partner and make me really happy. We connect on so many levels, emotionally, in our career, life values and sexually.

But they're not a great parent, & you will never connect on that issue.
The way they behave reflects very poorly on them, & the fact that you have such different views on parenting is a dealbreaker. Bite the bullet & chuck the relationship, leave yourself open to somebody who is more on your wavelength.

Bepis · 27/02/2023 15:18

@SwingingPendulousBabylons I have 2 children (at the time they were 10 and 7) and DH has a son who was 1 at the time.

WisherWood · 27/02/2023 15:56

Christ almighty…4 months is a long time when you’re in love and sure in who he is.

Four months is nothing, certainly not long enough for you to be really certain of someone. You might think you know them. You might assume you do and think you know that they're 'the one' and you'll be with them forever. And if you're lucky, you might be right and it might last. But more often than not, it won't work in the long term. It's easy to fall head over heels, less likely that it will last. Now that's fine if it's just you it affects but if you've got children, really, I'd just wait a bit longer. What's the hurry?

category12 · 27/02/2023 16:41

Shauny098 · 27/02/2023 00:10

Christ almighty…4 months is a long time when you’re in love and sure in who he is. Ppl saying you should wait a year or more are ridiculous! And tbh it’s best you have met the kids sooner rather than later because you don’t like them and I’m afraid to say that if you don’t they will always be a problem (for a good while anyway) so you should probably call it a day (and you’ve only wasted 4 months on him).

You can sure on him but if his kids aren’t for you then he’s not for you unfortunately.

Show quote history

Christ almighty…4 months is a long time when you’re in love and sure in who he is.
No, that's infatuation / New Relationship Energy. You may be in love with the person, and it may have legs and work out, but you do not know them and it's letting hormones and infatuation talk for you when you imagine you know who they are. If it works out, great, you're lucky, but it is luck, not good judgement. When children are involved, you need to keep your feet on the ground.

I'm not of the opinion that meeting the children should be years in the making, but meeting should be cautious, occasional and light, and the adults need to be responsible and hold themselves back from getting in too deep too quickly.

Bepis · 27/02/2023 16:51

@category12 It's really not infatuation. I knew within 2 weeks I wanted to marry DH. When it's right it's right.

category12 · 27/02/2023 16:57

Bepis · 27/02/2023 16:51

@category12 It's really not infatuation. I knew within 2 weeks I wanted to marry DH. When it's right it's right.

Kindly, that falls under luck.

WisherWood · 27/02/2023 17:00

Bepis · 27/02/2023 16:51

@category12 It's really not infatuation. I knew within 2 weeks I wanted to marry DH. When it's right it's right.

And I knew that within two weeks of meeting someone at university. Turned out he was a bit of a knob and, reader, I didn't marry him. Sometimes infatuation develops into something deeper and longer term and sometimes, it just fizzles out.

Onemyownhere · 27/02/2023 17:16

Bepis · 27/02/2023 15:18

@SwingingPendulousBabylons I have 2 children (at the time they were 10 and 7) and DH has a son who was 1 at the time.

He had a one year old and already jumping into another relationship... Okay makes sense 🤷🏽‍♀️

Bepis · 27/02/2023 17:32

@Onemyownhere Why does it make sense? I don't understand what him having a 1 year old has to do with him starting a new relationship 🤔

WisherWood · 27/02/2023 17:45

@Bepis I'm pretty sure the 'makes sense' was sarcastic. I'd be wary of someone with a very young child who was looking to start a new relationship. Basically, less than two years before he met you, he was serious enough about someone to start a family. Then he split up with her, met you, moved in and married you. Was he as sure about the mother of his child as he was about you? I'm glad it's worked out for you, but it does sound like something of a gamble.

People are criticising the OP because s/he blithely assumed that four months was a long time. There was no 'we've been dating for four months but we've known each other for years, so it's not as fast as it sounds'. There was an assumption that introducing each other's children to each other within a few weeks was 'taking it slowly'. They weren't actually critiquing your situation, although they are now. It is quick and however much you think you know someone, it's different from knowing what someone is really like in a relationship and what they will be like in a relationship with you. It seems absolutely valid to me to pull the OP up on that comment.

Onemyownhere · 27/02/2023 17:45

Bepis · 27/02/2023 17:32

@Onemyownhere Why does it make sense? I don't understand what him having a 1 year old has to do with him starting a new relationship 🤔

It has everything to do with starting a new relationship.... He only just had a child and already moving on soo fast, personally if people have babies and are pregnant i literally cant understand how their brain will function to jump into another relationship... But i am not going back and forth with this u seem very defensive in previous comments... Goodbye

Bepis · 27/02/2023 17:51

@Onemyownhere I'm defensive because you clearly cannot understand the concept of falling in love that quickly, perhaps because it hasn't happened to you but it does happen.

His ex ended the relationship and kicked him out as she wanted a new man. He didn't love her but was staying for his son. Son was a surprise, was not planned. He didn't want to be a part time dad but she gave him no choice. She was abusive to him so I think he mentally checked out of the relationship long before it ended.

Bepis · 27/02/2023 17:53

@WisherWood No he wasn't sure about his ex, didn't want to be with her anymore but they had a son and he wanted to be a father to him.

category12 · 27/02/2023 18:01

It's not really a question of not believing in falling in love though. It's whether that feeling makes it OK to rush into serious commitments together, when there are children involved.

Personally I believe that it's only with the benefit of hindsight you can claim quick "falling in love" works. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it peters out. Sometimes you're well-matched and that's great and lucky and you go round claiming that it was love at first sight and fate and all that. And sometimes it evaporates or you don't turn out to be well-matched and it's a disaster.

It's absolutely fine to jump into serious commitment when you feel that way about someone when you have no dependents. It is not OK to take those risks when you do.

FWIW I've had the thunderclap and made some speedy decisions under the influence of it, but fortunately at the time I was footloose and fancy-free.

MeanCanadianLady · 27/02/2023 18:02

Bepis · 27/02/2023 17:51

@Onemyownhere I'm defensive because you clearly cannot understand the concept of falling in love that quickly, perhaps because it hasn't happened to you but it does happen.

His ex ended the relationship and kicked him out as she wanted a new man. He didn't love her but was staying for his son. Son was a surprise, was not planned. He didn't want to be a part time dad but she gave him no choice. She was abusive to him so I think he mentally checked out of the relationship long before it ended.

I get it. I just don’t expect mumsnetters to get it so I don’t bother to explain myself. With my husband and I all of the pieces just fell into place. We had so much in common and our personalities just resonated in a way I had never experienced before. There is no way to explain that feeling to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

It’s convinced me that successful couples experience love and intimacy at different levels and those “crazy” people like us who fell in love hard and fast and knew within moments that it was right are outliers and will be dismissed because of that. I think the norm is it takes months or years to mesh personalities. And because of that they assumed what we experienced was very superficial and based on experiences or something very shallow and I can’t blame them because I felt that way before I experienced it too.

Although we weren’t proposing to each other within weeks. He did confess he knew he wanted to marry me very early on but I personally felt even though I knew it was right I wanted to wait because my parents marriage was such a catastrophe. Although it doesn’t sound like that’s the case with OP.

But I wanted you to know you aren’t alone and I believe you.

But you can’t explain it to someone who hasn’t felt it. So it’s probably better to spend your energy else where. Would probably be better off explaining what the clouds look like to a blind man.

MeanCanadianLady · 27/02/2023 18:03

appearances* not experiences

Onemyownhere · 27/02/2023 18:05

category12 · 27/02/2023 18:01

It's not really a question of not believing in falling in love though. It's whether that feeling makes it OK to rush into serious commitments together, when there are children involved.

Personally I believe that it's only with the benefit of hindsight you can claim quick "falling in love" works. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it peters out. Sometimes you're well-matched and that's great and lucky and you go round claiming that it was love at first sight and fate and all that. And sometimes it evaporates or you don't turn out to be well-matched and it's a disaster.

It's absolutely fine to jump into serious commitment when you feel that way about someone when you have no dependents. It is not OK to take those risks when you do.

FWIW I've had the thunderclap and made some speedy decisions under the influence of it, but fortunately at the time I was footloose and fancy-free.

Thank you 🙌🏽

Bepis · 27/02/2023 18:08

@MeanCanadianLady Thank you, it's not nice being told your relationship is superficial and basically just infatuation as that is not the case at all. Like you say though, people don't understand unless they have clicked in that manner.

Onemyownhere · 27/02/2023 18:11

MeanCanadianLady · 27/02/2023 18:02

I get it. I just don’t expect mumsnetters to get it so I don’t bother to explain myself. With my husband and I all of the pieces just fell into place. We had so much in common and our personalities just resonated in a way I had never experienced before. There is no way to explain that feeling to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

It’s convinced me that successful couples experience love and intimacy at different levels and those “crazy” people like us who fell in love hard and fast and knew within moments that it was right are outliers and will be dismissed because of that. I think the norm is it takes months or years to mesh personalities. And because of that they assumed what we experienced was very superficial and based on experiences or something very shallow and I can’t blame them because I felt that way before I experienced it too.

Although we weren’t proposing to each other within weeks. He did confess he knew he wanted to marry me very early on but I personally felt even though I knew it was right I wanted to wait because my parents marriage was such a catastrophe. Although it doesn’t sound like that’s the case with OP.

But I wanted you to know you aren’t alone and I believe you.

But you can’t explain it to someone who hasn’t felt it. So it’s probably better to spend your energy else where. Would probably be better off explaining what the clouds look like to a blind man.

Show quote history

I have experienced falling in love quickly fyi... Like someone mentioned when young children are involved its not about just u its about them so u have to actually take things a little slower even though u may believe u are in love after a short amount of time... What part if that can't people understand

WisherWood · 27/02/2023 18:13

category12 · 27/02/2023 18:01

It's not really a question of not believing in falling in love though. It's whether that feeling makes it OK to rush into serious commitments together, when there are children involved.

Personally I believe that it's only with the benefit of hindsight you can claim quick "falling in love" works. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it peters out. Sometimes you're well-matched and that's great and lucky and you go round claiming that it was love at first sight and fate and all that. And sometimes it evaporates or you don't turn out to be well-matched and it's a disaster.

It's absolutely fine to jump into serious commitment when you feel that way about someone when you have no dependents. It is not OK to take those risks when you do.

FWIW I've had the thunderclap and made some speedy decisions under the influence of it, but fortunately at the time I was footloose and fancy-free.

This. I have had those thunderclap moments. Now, you can claim that, since it didn't work out for me in the long run, they weren't really those thunderclap moments, but that's a bit rude really.

Also, my parents used to like to tell stories of how they met. It was very romantic, they were sure of each other within a few weeks. They got engaged and married within a year of meeting each other. And for 30 years, it really worked out. It was great. These days though, after 50+ years together, the situation looks very different. I'm not sure they even like each other, let alone love each other, although they are still together.

So I understand the concept of falling in love quickly. I also understand that the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

category12 · 27/02/2023 18:13

Bepis · 27/02/2023 18:08

@MeanCanadianLady Thank you, it's not nice being told your relationship is superficial and basically just infatuation as that is not the case at all. Like you say though, people don't understand unless they have clicked in that manner.

It's equally unpleasant to be told that your experiences of "falling in love" can't have been the real thing because they didn't work out in the long or short term.

ThanksItHasPockets · 27/02/2023 18:14

MeanCanadianLady · 27/02/2023 18:02

I get it. I just don’t expect mumsnetters to get it so I don’t bother to explain myself. With my husband and I all of the pieces just fell into place. We had so much in common and our personalities just resonated in a way I had never experienced before. There is no way to explain that feeling to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

It’s convinced me that successful couples experience love and intimacy at different levels and those “crazy” people like us who fell in love hard and fast and knew within moments that it was right are outliers and will be dismissed because of that. I think the norm is it takes months or years to mesh personalities. And because of that they assumed what we experienced was very superficial and based on experiences or something very shallow and I can’t blame them because I felt that way before I experienced it too.

Although we weren’t proposing to each other within weeks. He did confess he knew he wanted to marry me very early on but I personally felt even though I knew it was right I wanted to wait because my parents marriage was such a catastrophe. Although it doesn’t sound like that’s the case with OP.

But I wanted you to know you aren’t alone and I believe you.

But you can’t explain it to someone who hasn’t felt it. So it’s probably better to spend your energy else where. Would probably be better off explaining what the clouds look like to a blind man.

Show quote history

I don't doubt that thunderclap relationships do exist and that the love is deep and genuine. I am truly happy for pp who have experienced this. I knew that my DH was the one very early on but we met when we were young and child-free and no-one's heart was at risk but our own.

Nevertheless, as you correctly surmise you and pp are very unusual outliers. In my professional life I deal every day with the fallout of parents introducing their children to a new step-parent or a new set of siblings far too early in a relationship, and it is always, always the children who suffer. The vast majority of people rushing to introduce their children to their new date or to blend their families are not acting in the children's best interests and do not generally have good judgement. In extreme cases the consequences can be absolutely catastrophic and it is irresponsible to normalise this kind of impetuous decision-making when there are children involved, even if it worked out wonderfully in your own case.

Bepis · 27/02/2023 18:16

@category12 I was speaking with respect to people not understanding that 4 months can be more than plenty to know you want to spend you lift with someone. And it was handled appropriately with the children, they were the ones begging for us to move in together. Daughter knew DH before I knew him.

Bepis · 27/02/2023 18:19

Life not lift. Autocorrect