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Original poster

I really dislike my new partners kids

270 replies

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:03

I have been dating a new partner for the best part of 4 months. You've taken it slow and not introduced our kids until recently.

Without sounding cruel, I really do not like my partner's kids. They constantly fight, bicker, talk back and are downright rude to them. Everything is a battle, who is sitting where in the car, bed time, what they are eating for dinner, what they are wearing, what we are doing. More often than not one or both get into a state if they do not get their own way.

It sometimes feels like a negotiation rather than a parent takign the lead.

They are a great person, a great partner and make me really happy. We connect on so many levels, emotionally, in our career, life values and sexually.

But I can't stand the way the kids behave. They can't even sit at a dinner table without having to be babied.

I know as the kids get older things will get easier but at this moment in time I don't like them and I don't like being around them.

I am not saying that I am parent of the year or anything, and they do anamazing job. Event my son has mentioned of their kids are constantly arguing.

It is really putting me off wanting to be with them...

Does that make me a bad person

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 26/02/2023 21:06

Nothing unusual about not being keen on other people's children btw but you do seem rather sensitive 😂

BeardyButton · 26/02/2023 21:08

whattodo87 · 26/02/2023 21:01

My ex met my children (same ages as his) after 1year. of being together.

He said was amazing was kids, and he was when they were towing the line but as soon as they started to behave like little people, with their own ideas and thoughts he didn't like it.
His behaviour towards them was horrible to witness; moody, arguing and just confusing.

Thankfully we separated before he could mess up our lives with his unreasonable expectations.

You should separate as you clearly have no empathy towards them which is a shame.

Well done for putting kids first. It would be nice to see more people doing this. It makes me vomit watching ‘new partners’ treat kids like shit, while parents look on. And unfortunately I ve seen a lot of it. Once, the parent actually started rambling how great it was that the ‘partner’ had boundaries with the kids. Basically adults putting themselves and their needs (romantic etc) before the needs of their children.

whattodo87 · 26/02/2023 21:09

I think the OP has disappeared ...

I wonder what kind of responses they were hoping for ?

Eas1lyd1stracted · 26/02/2023 21:09

They sound jealous, insecure and trying to maintain their position in their family. All of which is perfectly normal for that age. They also tend to be very good and picking up when adults are genuine or not so your attitude might not be helping. You can't be with someone whose kids you don't like if the kids live with them. Unless you are happy to date only when their with their Dad or babysitters. Not sure anyone on the thread claimed to be a 'lady' or shared their gender with you?

berksandbeyond · 26/02/2023 21:10

why on earth have you met his kids already?!
and introduced your kids to his?!
I have stuff in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with

whattodo87 · 26/02/2023 21:10

@BeardyButton Totally agree !

And we are doing just fine without him ❤️

PonkyPonky · 26/02/2023 21:10

Your feelings are totally valid, don’t feel guilty. But you have to assess if you can live with it or not. They won’t change anytime soon. I’ve been through this. But we waited a lot longer before I met his kids so by then I was head over heels in love with him so I couldn’t have walked away. For what it’s worth my SDC are a lot older now and one of them has turned into an amazing teenager who is thoughtful, considerate, helpful and a joy to be around. The other I still have some difficulties with and I have really struggled to bond with and I feel truly awful about that. But you can’t force it. You can only do your best. You’re still at the point in time where you can walk away and there would be no shame in that. You have to think about what it would do to your children as well.

FuckWasps · 26/02/2023 21:10

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:26

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I take it that you are all perfect and have never done anything other than the best. I never realised there were so many ivory towers. It's rather lonely down here with the great unwashed and bad parents.

I wonder whether you all understand the power of your words. I assume you are just taking a break from saving the world, curing kids from cancer.

Or do you just like to try and gloat over those who you think you are better than. Just to make your sad life feel a little bit better than

Best flounce I've seen in ages. Truly 10/10

Vallmo47 · 26/02/2023 21:11

You have to tread carefully when there are kids involved. You are also clearly not compatible in terms of parenting. In such a short relationship I’d move on. But you clearly don’t care about your unanimous advice because you know better. Why post at all.

giggly · 26/02/2023 21:12

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:26

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I take it that you are all perfect and have never done anything other than the best. I never realised there were so many ivory towers. It's rather lonely down here with the great unwashed and bad parents.

I wonder whether you all understand the power of your words. I assume you are just taking a break from saving the world, curing kids from cancer.

Or do you just like to try and gloat over those who you think you are better than. Just to make your sad life feel a little bit better than

See my answer to this would be to just fuck off

PatientlyWaiting21 · 26/02/2023 21:13

In what world is 4 months taking it slow, introducing children and having them for sleepovers?

MySugarBabyLove · 26/02/2023 21:15

There are several things here.

Four months isn’t taking it slow, but equally I disagree that parents should wait a year before introducing the kids. The reality is that a year is long enough for a relationship to become serious, and by then if it doesn’t work out with the kids it’s much harder to walk away.

But there are ways to introduce the kids which don’t mean becoming a blended family overnight.

I was forced to introduce my dp to the DC after about six weeks because he threatened me that if I didn’t tell them I was seeing someone, he would, and he absolutely would have followed through. I introduced dc to my now dp by telling them this was a friend. Over time the relationship developed, and we’re ten years in now.

If he’d shown the smallest inkling of not liking them I would have dumped him then and there.

Conversely my x introduced the DC to his partner and her kids within a similar amount of time, but not as a friend, as a gf, and told the DC that they would be having new siblings now, and thus a family was born. Except ex’s partner hates the DC, and the feeling is mutual, and although ex and his dp are still together ten years on, DC stopped seeing them pretty much after they had a baby within six months of being together.

DC have a younger sibling they have nothing to do with. And it really didn’t need to be that way.

Fannieannie63 · 26/02/2023 21:16

Many years ago I had a lovely boyfriend, hard working, kind, considerate, a really nice guy. He had three boys, 11 and under. They were exactly how you described, always fighting, winding each other up etc., just how you expect boys to be. The eldest absolutely detested me and made sure to let me know but I stepped back, became very neutral because I was the adult. (To give the backstory their mother initiated the split as she had an affair and new partner. I came along about two and half years later.) However, I noticed that ex p did not parent his dcs, did not set boundaries for reasonable behaviour, he would bluster and sigh and say things like, ‘I can’t cope with you three’. For me, it was over the moment I found a note scribbled over one of my dd’s drawings because the eldest turned his unkindness on my daughter. He scrawled all over it and I won’t say what it said as it would be outing but it was so very abusive. He’d also been whispering really nasty things to her. So I ended it and I’m so glad I did, it was the best thing for both dd and myself.

Reinventinganna · 26/02/2023 21:16

It could simply be that they do not know you.

I would be looking at the partners parenting style rather than the children’s behaviour.

You possibly have completely different parenting styles and it won’t ever work or maybe they are acting differently because they don’t know you or how to react to this situation.

PrincessScarlett · 26/02/2023 21:16

How long has your partner and the other parent been separated? If you got together with DP immediately following a split from the kids' other parent then that might be a reason for their bad behaviour.

However, it is very normal for siblings of that age to bicker. If you have one child then you will not be aware of normal sibling behaviour.

Nolosomi · 26/02/2023 21:16

It’s nothing to do with ivory towers, it’s just not right for kids to meet a new partner so soon. I’ve made the same mistake and got lambasted on here, but everyone was absolutely right. I never made that mistake again. Very hard for the kids who are powerless and emotionally challenged by it. You were on to a losing situation agreeing to involve the kids in such a short timeframe.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 26/02/2023 21:17

Poor kids having some random strange woman muscle in on their lives and take their dad’s attention after 4 months. Who do you think you are? This isn’t going to work, so end it.

Franklyfrank · 26/02/2023 21:18

MissMarplesbag · 26/02/2023 20:26

You sound like a right piece of work, do the right thing and separate and find someone without children. with any luck they'll be on here saying the same thing about your kids

What on earth were you hoping we'd say? I feel incredibly sad when I hear yet another story where young kids are forced into a blended family after so little time. You can have both happy kids and a happy romantic relationship, but going at lightning speed isn't a likely recipe for it.

NevieSticks · 26/02/2023 21:19

This is not slow - it is far too fast.
You have one child? Far easier.
The children are young and do still need babied at this age and esp when from a split home. They need their Dad's attention.
You will always have to deal with these children who carry the influence of their Mum's rules of behaviour as well whether that is good or bad if you stay with this man.
You sound like you need more attention from a man so find one without children.
He is wrong to be bringing his children to you in this time span - maybe he is just looking for a babysitter to help him?
Some people would work this but it sounds like it's not for you.

SpecialK2023 · 26/02/2023 21:20

JudgeRinderonTinder · 26/02/2023 21:17

Poor kids having some random strange woman muscle in on their lives and take their dad’s attention after 4 months. Who do you think you are? This isn’t going to work, so end it.

”Muscle in” there’s nothing to say OP is holding this person against their will? Presumably this is a reciprocal situation and they both like one another. Dating someone with children doesn’t make you some sort of vulture and the parent some sort of vulnerable prey.

Franklyfrank · 26/02/2023 21:20

Apologies missmarplesbag. First time quoting and obviously rubbish at it. I meant to reply to the very grumpy second post by OP

Hayliebells · 26/02/2023 21:21

I don't think you're bad for not liking his kids. But what happens now really depends on what sort of relationship you envisage yourself having with this man. Would you be happy to see him only on days when he does not have his kids? There's no reason why you can't just do that for now, in a few years they might be quite different. But, you need to be prepared that this might be it, you can't really spend time with them if you don't like them, they'll pick up on that. So no family events, no family holidays, fitting in around times when he's not with his children, probably never living together. Would you be OK with that, with keeping your relationship and his family life separate? Because there isn't really another solution, other than ending it.

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 21:22

Ime some people aren't cut out to deal with dc's around that aren't theirs. I was a sm years ago. The dc themselves weren't bad but the parenting their received was very lacking. And it showed. They were awful to be around for any length of time. Totally not their fault. But certainly was a bonus when we split not having them in my life.

roarfeckingroarr · 26/02/2023 21:22

Taken it slow? You've met his kids after just 4 months!

This won't work long term and it's not fair on the kids.

Straightsidedcircle · 26/02/2023 21:22

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