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Original poster

I really dislike my new partners kids

270 replies

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:03

I have been dating a new partner for the best part of 4 months. You've taken it slow and not introduced our kids until recently.

Without sounding cruel, I really do not like my partner's kids. They constantly fight, bicker, talk back and are downright rude to them. Everything is a battle, who is sitting where in the car, bed time, what they are eating for dinner, what they are wearing, what we are doing. More often than not one or both get into a state if they do not get their own way.

It sometimes feels like a negotiation rather than a parent takign the lead.

They are a great person, a great partner and make me really happy. We connect on so many levels, emotionally, in our career, life values and sexually.

But I can't stand the way the kids behave. They can't even sit at a dinner table without having to be babied.

I know as the kids get older things will get easier but at this moment in time I don't like them and I don't like being around them.

I am not saying that I am parent of the year or anything, and they do anamazing job. Event my son has mentioned of their kids are constantly arguing.

It is really putting me off wanting to be with them...

Does that make me a bad person

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
ProjectsGalore · 26/02/2023 20:46

I have step parented and it is a task that is beyond challenging even if you love your step children. If you don't love them or indeed actively dislike them your life as a family will be horrific. You either need to agree to sustain a relationship without the children present or end it now.

aggymaggie · 26/02/2023 20:46

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:26

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I take it that you are all perfect and have never done anything other than the best. I never realised there were so many ivory towers. It's rather lonely down here with the great unwashed and bad parents.

I wonder whether you all understand the power of your words. I assume you are just taking a break from saving the world, curing kids from cancer.

Or do you just like to try and gloat over those who you think you are better than. Just to make your sad life feel a little bit better than

The curing kids from cancer comment is bizarre and abhorrent. Really hideous actually.

Sorry you're not getting the answers you want. I'm presuming you want everyone to tell you that it's totally fine to dislike young children for simply behaving like young children. Or that your partner should get them to toe the line or even better get them shipped off to their other parents.

But here's the thing...any parent worth their salt will choose their kids every time. And always always put them before a relationship of 4 months lol.

Your op and subsequent reply are both laughable. End the relationship and spare the poor dc.

ODFOx · 26/02/2023 20:48

OP I am wondering if you have DC of your own and if your DP is primary resident parent for theirs?
My DH saw the worst of my DC growing up as we live together, whereas his DC (even though they were giving their Mum a hard time through their teens) were always on their best behaviour here.
It evened out over time.

4 months is pretty soon to make a determination though. If you think that you could grow to love them then the relationship is worth saving, otherwise you need to walk away for both your sakes.

Badger1975 · 26/02/2023 20:49

Your second post makes you sound completely unhinged.

If you think taking it slow is introducing the kids to each other after four months, then that confirms you probably are.

How well can you even know them? Four months is insignificant.

lunar1 · 26/02/2023 20:51

Be glad you found out early I guess. You can either walk away or decide you are going to have a more casual relationship without bringing your respective children into it at any point.

MyLittlePonyWellies · 26/02/2023 20:52

Is the new partner a woman and the resident parent?

Sorry, it's not especially important, but the whole they / them stuff is confusing, unless your new partner is non-binary.

Do you have your own DCs with you a lot or are they with their other parent more?

Just as 7 and 9 can be difficult ages, especially when there's a new person around in their (mum?)'s life.

Anyway, I think you probably moved a bit too quickly meeting the kids so early on. You not liking them matters quite a lot tbh. So if you can't get past it there's really only one option

MyLittlePonyWellies · 26/02/2023 20:53

ODFOx · 26/02/2023 20:48

OP I am wondering if you have DC of your own and if your DP is primary resident parent for theirs?
My DH saw the worst of my DC growing up as we live together, whereas his DC (even though they were giving their Mum a hard time through their teens) were always on their best behaviour here.
It evened out over time.

4 months is pretty soon to make a determination though. If you think that you could grow to love them then the relationship is worth saving, otherwise you need to walk away for both your sakes.

X posted - I was wondering the same

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 20:54

Fully entitled to not like someone elses children. You then move on because you know your patience, understanding and sense of fairness will not be practiced in this family unit.

What is selfish though is your lack of understanding how you have blended too soon, how your own children are being told to merge and even agree with your principals, (he sounds more mature than you) you have no thought for your son's needs.

That goes for the new children but at least it appears they are acting without fear of not upsetting their parent, your child will do as they are told. Namely sit there quietly and be expected to make this dynamic work for the sake of your sex life without any concern for if he finds any of this difficult.

SalmonEile · 26/02/2023 20:54

Best part of Four months and only introduced recently?
how recently is recently? A week ? A month?
how often do you see these kids?
is your son an only child btw?

VladmirsPoutine · 26/02/2023 20:55

You've gone to great pains to disguise the sex of you and your partner which makes parts of your post quite clunky. In anycase the kids aren't going any time soon and at those ages it really is a rollercoaster so either buckle in or get out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 20:56

What a gracious response 😂

My sympathies to everyone around you.

keepcalm11 · 26/02/2023 20:56

OP lost me with the they/their shenanigans 😴

PrimarilyParented · 26/02/2023 20:57

As a step parent myself I would run from this set up because it’s not going to change and makes you and your kids unhappy.

Or, if you see it as a possibility, keep your relationship exclusively for the time he doesn’t see the kids with no plans to ever move in together until they have all left home.

Honestly, being on the same page in terms of parenting styles is one of the most important things in a relationship where kids from previous relationships are involved. Otherwise there is continual annoyance and conflict between the children of the different households.

for what it’s worth, I liked my step kids from the get go and now genuinely love them. any irritating/difficult behaviour is always age appropriate (and situation appropriate given that no child of divorce is constantly happy and has the right to be emotional/upset at times). They’re children so they’re not perfect (neither is my child and neither am I) but they are all kind hearted and lovely children, who welcomed my son with open arms as a new friend and eventually then as a step brother.

AlwaysGinPlease · 26/02/2023 20:57

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:26

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I take it that you are all perfect and have never done anything other than the best. I never realised there were so many ivory towers. It's rather lonely down here with the great unwashed and bad parents.

I wonder whether you all understand the power of your words. I assume you are just taking a break from saving the world, curing kids from cancer.

Or do you just like to try and gloat over those who you think you are better than. Just to make your sad life feel a little bit better than

Oh yes, you ARE a bad person! You just revealed that. Oh and a man. How deeply unpleasant you sound.

ivykaty44 · 26/02/2023 20:58

I know as the kids get older things will get easier

I doubt it, same shit different problems

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 20:58

*Is the new partner a woman and the resident parent?

Sorry, it's not especially important,*

It's very important, if this is a man then it explains that his child could escape this situation going back to the security of his mother.

The children you dislike could be with the resident parent of whose life you would enter, maybe live with and if they do not like you, would see you as a threat in so many ways.

CombatBarbie · 26/02/2023 20:59

whattodonext09 · 26/02/2023 20:26

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I take it that you are all perfect and have never done anything other than the best. I never realised there were so many ivory towers. It's rather lonely down here with the great unwashed and bad parents.

I wonder whether you all understand the power of your words. I assume you are just taking a break from saving the world, curing kids from cancer.

Or do you just like to try and gloat over those who you think you are better than. Just to make your sad life feel a little bit better than

I'd be on your side if you'd said 12 months in. 4 months is far too quick. How old are your kids?

Its more about them just talking about you for a few months, then maybe a park play date every now and then.... Gradually introduce each other.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/02/2023 20:59

It doesn't make you a bad person but it does make you incompatible with this one. The kids are part of the package and will always come first. If you can't get on with them, this is a hiding to nothing.

yhjn84 · 26/02/2023 21:00

I'd leave, I'd be an awful step mother. No shame in it, I have absolutely no appetite to take on anyone else's kids, blend families or any of that.

Honeyroar · 26/02/2023 21:01

Walk away. His kids will always be there. If they’re bugging you now it’s really not going to work.

DeadButDelicious · 26/02/2023 21:01

You don't like their kids. That's the end of it really. You can have all the chemistry in the world but if you don't like their children I don't see how you can carry on. Best to end it while it's still early days.

whattodo87 · 26/02/2023 21:01

My ex met my children (same ages as his) after 1year. of being together.

He said was amazing was kids, and he was when they were towing the line but as soon as they started to behave like little people, with their own ideas and thoughts he didn't like it.
His behaviour towards them was horrible to witness; moody, arguing and just confusing.

Thankfully we separated before he could mess up our lives with his unreasonable expectations.

You should separate as you clearly have no empathy towards them which is a shame.

SongChaser · 26/02/2023 21:02

Wow what a really judgemental group of 'ladies'

I think that tells me everything I need to know. How about the rest of you ‘ladies’?

🤮

BeardyButton · 26/02/2023 21:03

Poor kids! Your anger is palpable. If you react like this to strangers on the internet giving an opinion you don’t care for, what are you going to be like to kids you admit to not liking after five minutes of being with their parent. Kids deserve so much better than this crap.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 26/02/2023 21:04

You asked for opinions on what to do.
You said you've taken it slowly but you're mixing your children together after a matter of weeks.
Just back off.