Husband doesn't like me drinking.

Cara003344 · 2023-02-25T16:37:23+00:00

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either. I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop. Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view. he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

Changingplace · 25/02/2023 16:41

I think an adult should be entitled to have a few glasses of wine once a week, it’s hardly overboard!

It’s out of order of him to bring up an occasion in the past repeatedly, has he never made a mistake he’d rather not be reminded of? How would he feel if you kept bringing something up, I assume he’s not perfect?

I don’t see what harm you having a few glasses of wine does to him, if DH said anything similar to me I’d say it wasn’t his decision.

PermanentTemporary · 25/02/2023 16:41

He is telling you things that are very plausible. It is zero fun watching other people drink tbh.

Why not try it for a few months, or weeks at least? I've just come off the dry January threads and I think for a lot of us we did see benefits. It's easy to think that it's not affecting you, but frankly it does. Some of us didn't use alcohol free versions of our drinks and some did.

If not drinking doesn't do anything for you that you value, then think again. But at the least give it a go; he's your partner and he's saying it makes life worse.

Stellaris22 · 25/02/2023 16:42

I'm in a very similar situation OP. DH rarely drinks, so when I have 1-2 glasses of wine I get looks. I no longer feel comfortable buying wine so just don't anymore.

I'm happy enough without it but I do feel like it's something I've had to give up to feel more comfortable in the house.

It's definitely easier to just not drink than put up with the criticism.

Emmamoo89 · 25/02/2023 16:46

Fuck your husband. Do what YOU want. I love a few glasses of wine

Emmamoo89 · 25/02/2023 16:47

My partners an acholic hasn't drank for nearly 4 years and doesn't judge me for drinking and can drink around him

Emmamoo89 · 25/02/2023 16:47

Alcoholic*

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/02/2023 16:48

Hang on ..... he says he doesn't want you to drink on the one night a week you choose to because then "you do nothing in bed"???? Maybe you don't want to have a shag on a Friday night as is your right. He won't die from having a night off.

And if you want to have a drink once a week, why should he get to say you have to stop? If he doesn't like it he can go so something else himself that night.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/02/2023 16:48

It's definitely easier to just not drink than put up with the criticism

Isn't this coercive control?

MintJulia · 25/02/2023 16:49

You are an adult and if you choose to drink, one night a week, that is not excessive.

If your husband is really complaining because there is no physical intimacy on that one night a week, then he needs to get over himself. It is up to you how you enjoy yourself.

He sounds quite controlling. If you were drinking a bottle a night, every night, I could see a problem, but you aren't. Your drinking is controlled and moderate. 9 units a week is within guidelines and you have 6 nights a week off.

I left my ex because he drank a bottle every night and more at the weekend, and I could never trust him to drive DS. That is problem drinking.

Maybe you and your partner could agree to compromise and find a middle ground.

JasmineInHerHair · 25/02/2023 16:50

I'm with your husband, sorry. It's not so much about you being an adult and your choice, it's affecting the relationship so he gets a say. If you don't care how your actions affect him because you're an adult then that's a petty way to conduct a relationship. Compromise is part of life and what he is asking really isn't unreasonable.

bigdecisionstomake · 25/02/2023 16:50

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/02/2023 16:48

It's definitely easier to just not drink than put up with the criticism

Isn't this coercive control?

Yes, it is. It is the OPs decision about whether or not she drinks - it is for no-one else to decide that for her.

AnnieMore · 25/02/2023 16:50

If you enjoy a few glasses of wine once a week - do just that. Enjoy them.

If I drink, I do it with my husband as it’s just something we enjoy together. But he would never dream of policing my consumption if he wasn’t drinking.

bigdecisionstomake · 25/02/2023 16:53

JasmineInHerHair · 25/02/2023 16:50

I'm with your husband, sorry. It's not so much about you being an adult and your choice, it's affecting the relationship so he gets a say. If you don't care how your actions affect him because you're an adult then that's a petty way to conduct a relationship. Compromise is part of life and what he is asking really isn't unreasonable.

Just wow - switch it around, the OPs DHs judgement of her is affecting the relationship therefore he should compromise and not judge her.

ashapushapush · 25/02/2023 16:53

JasmineInHerHair · 25/02/2023 16:50

I'm with your husband, sorry. It's not so much about you being an adult and your choice, it's affecting the relationship so he gets a say. If you don't care how your actions affect him because you're an adult then that's a petty way to conduct a relationship. Compromise is part of life and what he is asking really isn't unreasonable.

This is a ridiculous response. Did you even read the OP? It’s one night a week!

Hoolihan · 25/02/2023 16:54

JasmineInHerHair · 25/02/2023 16:50

I'm with your husband, sorry. It's not so much about you being an adult and your choice, it's affecting the relationship so he gets a say. If you don't care how your actions affect him because you're an adult then that's a petty way to conduct a relationship. Compromise is part of life and what he is asking really isn't unreasonable.

So if she gives up drinking what compromise is he making?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/02/2023 16:55

JasmineInHerHair · 25/02/2023 16:50

I'm with your husband, sorry. It's not so much about you being an adult and your choice, it's affecting the relationship so he gets a say. If you don't care how your actions affect him because you're an adult then that's a petty way to conduct a relationship. Compromise is part of life and what he is asking really isn't unreasonable.

Should we all just give up all our hobbies and interests if they don't 100% align with our husbands?

Original poster

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 16:58

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/02/2023 16:48

Hang on ..... he says he doesn't want you to drink on the one night a week you choose to because then "you do nothing in bed"???? Maybe you don't want to have a shag on a Friday night as is your right. He won't die from having a night off.

And if you want to have a drink once a week, why should he get to say you have to stop? If he doesn't like it he can go so something else himself that night.

We haven't been doing it that much at all lately which adds to the problem. I am rarely feeling in the mood as honestly there is an awful lot of stuff going on right now and life has been hard these last few years for us both. I think he feels that if I have a few drinks then why wouldn't I want to do stuff. it is a few times a month and he isn't delighted about that either.

OP posts:

discobrain · 25/02/2023 16:58

If you were drinking every night it would be one thing, but you're having a bottle of wine once a week and he's having a wobbler over that? I'd tell him to piss off, and use his hand to deal with himself.

You don't owe him sex.

PillBoxes · 25/02/2023 16:59

He really needs to chill out and share a couple of drinks with you. He is not teetotal.

Why should YOU have to do make the sacrifice for the sake of a shag that you could do any other night surely.

Keep an eye on other signs of creeping control here I think...

Ponderingwindow · 25/02/2023 17:02

the only part that seems worrisome about your drinking is that he mentions you ‘change’ after a couple of drinks. Having been on the receiving end of the Jekyll/Hyde personality shift that alcohol can bring, words like that always pique my interest. I think it is worth examining your own behavior to see if you are engaging in anything negative or if what he is describing is a person who is just a bit tipsy after slowly sipping some wine over the course of an entire evening.

Original poster

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 17:03

I do care and that is why I am asking. This seems to be a huge issue for him so I am trying to take it seriously but also I really enjoy the friday night wine and feel like it should be my choice. I would never tell him what to do in that way but then maybe if I was not drinking and he was it might start to bug me but I really don't see how.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 17:04

sorry my last post was meant to be in response to a post further up

OP posts:

RedLem0nade · 25/02/2023 17:05

My DH doesn’t really drink and I would have been similar to you in having a few glasses of wine on a Friday and/or Saturday.

To be fair DH was never bothered and on the few occasions per year that there’d be a big night out he was so solicitous if I was hanging the next day and would really look after me.

But recently I’ve realised that a) I tend to get mild hangovers with even 2 glasses of wine these days, b) I actually get that same sense of relaxation and “what a treat” after a frazzled week from a pot of tea and a biscuit , and c) I don’t want DH to have to pick up the slack if I’m not on top form of a weekend morning.

So I’ve stopped drinking. And it’s good. I feel it’s made me healthier in general. I have more time for a bit of exercise on weekend mornings. I like knowing I’m more or less guaranteed to wake up bright and cheery and make the most of the weekend and I know DH is secretly pleased about it (he’s big into us looking after our health- he used to fret about me a little I think).

I do think it’s a decision I needed to come to by and for myself but I won’t deny that it was partly for DH too and I think that’s ok (though it does depend on your DH’s motives I guess….)

Lizziet64 · 25/02/2023 17:06

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Original poster

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 17:07

Ponderingwindow · 25/02/2023 17:02

the only part that seems worrisome about your drinking is that he mentions you ‘change’ after a couple of drinks. Having been on the receiving end of the Jekyll/Hyde personality shift that alcohol can bring, words like that always pique my interest. I think it is worth examining your own behavior to see if you are engaging in anything negative or if what he is describing is a person who is just a bit tipsy after slowly sipping some wine over the course of an entire evening.

I definitely don't change personality. I get happier, more relaxed. He sees that as not being me. His main issue is falling asleep , even though I fall asleep on the couch due to tiredness a few night a week at least, he hates when I fall asleep after a couple of drinks. He isn't bother the other nights I fall asleep as I haven't had a drink.

OP posts: