Husband doesn't like me drinking.

[Cara003344]

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

I'm divided on this.

On one hand, do what you like.

On the other hand, DH drinks too much on a Friday. I used to but as I've got older I drink much less. I'll have maybe a glass or two but he will have more.

I find it really boring. He does change when he's been drinking and it's tedious. He'll usually fall asleep if we watch a film. I then go to bed and he stays up much later than me and drinks a bit more.

It's his choice, but I don't like it. It's not how I want to spend my Fridays.

So my question really is being honest about how much you are drinking and what effect it has.

If it's just a couple of glasses, and there's no real difference, then its entirely your choice.

He's being very controlling.
That behaviour is more worrying than an adult having a few drinks on a Friday night to relax and unwind.
And the to posters saying it's too much, you sound controlling too.
OP is an adult woman doing no harm to anyone.
Why should she be sitting there sober as a judge on the weekend just waiting to submit to sex on demand ffs.

i think you are probably adversely affected by the alcohol habit, but unable to see it objectively.
it's not primarily about what your husband thinks; i would say the same if you were living alone.
although i do think you have an extra responsibility to be as healthy and alert as possible for your children.
why not go without alcohol for say 3 weeks and see how you feel.
good luck.

Who the feck is saying she has to submit to sex? I have only stated facts, a bottle of wine is almost double a "binge", criticise the NHS for being controlling not me, OP can do what she likes, but she can't say her husband is unreasonable for noticing a difference in her behaviour drinking 10 units in a night.

I'd say a bottle of wine in 1 night is a lot

I agree.

a bottle of wine in one night is quite a lot IMO.

I don’t like dh drinking because quite frankly he turns into an arse. It’s not fun if I’ve had a drink, it’s even less fun if I’m sober.

he just starts talking shit, then gets arsey because I can’t be bothered to have a complete nonsense conversation over whatever he’s convinced of in his pissed up mind. Then he goes to sleep on the sofa, and again gets arsey if I go to bed and leave him, but it’s as boring as fuck sitting on my own with him snoring.

you may think you’re a lovely drunk, reality is often quite different.

Why is this always the argument trotted out on mumsnet and I've never seen a thread with a similar OP by the other gender to back it up. If a man was drinking the equivalent once a week (according to the NHS 4-5 pints) and was otherwise behaving acceptably my advice wouldn't be any different. However, we live in a patriarchy where men are predominantly responsible for domestic abuse, and that abuse increases where alcohol is involved, so the circumstances are fundamentally different in any case and views may be understandably not the same between genders.

I think this one is really difficult:

From your point of view, you aren't drinking a massive amount, and don't appear to have any type of problem with drink from what you say. You enjoy drinking once a week, which isn't endangering your health, wasting loads of family money or anything else, and you quite understandably feel somewhat controlled by your partner when he tries to stop you doing something you enjoy. (and it sounds like he has form for being low-key controlling about random stuff in general, which is no doubt adding to your frustration.)

From his point of view, being around a pissed person (even if only somewhat pissed) is often not a lot of fun when you are sober. I used to have a drink problem and am long-term sober now and I have to say that I cannot think of ANYONE I know whose personality is actively improved by drinking. And in my experience it's those closest to us that become the most annoying when drunk - I have absolutely no problem being around random acquaintances who are drunk; with some close friends and family it frustrates me a bit after a while ; and my (completely wonderful) husband, when he still drank, used to annoy me ENORMOUSLY when drunk (tho I accepted of course that it was his free choice to drink) - he repeated himself, insisted he was right about random stuff, was much more quixotic and moody, and just generally not nearly as interesting or fun to talk to!

I have no idea if you are like this to any extent OP, but if you are I can feel your husband's pain! No judgement here at all from me towards people who drink - how could there be? - I was the worst drunk in the world before I stopped! My husband (who is a fucking MARVELLOUS human being) eventually decided to stop drinking himself after I had a lapse and fell off the wagon during a rocky patch, and he decided with the help of a counsellor that he could better support me in my sobriety by going sober himself. It's been brilliant for both of us and I am SO lucky to have a man who has done this for me - I know it is not something anyone ever has the right to expect or demand.....

Your situation is different and in a sense less pressing. So I was wondering if a compromise was possible - could you have a night out once a week and drink then, if he is happy to stay home with the kids? Either out with a friend or, if money is an issue, go to a friend or family member's place if you have any close by who like an occasional drink too, and share a bottle of wine and a chat? That way, you still get your chance to enjoy a drink and unwind, but he doesn't have to get frustrated by you if you are less than brilliant company when drunk..... Reciprocally, he should also get a night out once a week seeing a mate or doing a hobby or whatever, if he would enjoy that....

Sorry, that is an epic response - hope none of it sounds offensive or judgemental, because it really isn't meant to - I see everyone's point in this situation!

A bottle of wine is a lot in one evening but other than that, carry on. (Bette spread over 2 nights?)
We don't get to dictate to our partners what to do. If you like it, it's your choice.

I used to have a drink problem and am long-term sober now and I have to say that I cannot think of ANYONE I know whose personality is actively improved by drinking

I agree. Problem is when drinking people usually believe they are immense “fun” and anyone not drinking is boring and a stick in the mud. Drinking to “relax” often means means the inhibitions lift and they start saying things they wouldn’t normally.

I can quite easily see how o/p’s dh thinks her personality changes yet she doesn’t see it.

Doubt the OP thinks she's fun. Probably just knows she's a bit annoying and then falls asleep. Conflating it with people who had a drink problem is not comparable.

F off with that bullshit.

6 units or more in one night is classed as binge drinking. A bottle of wine is 9 or 10. I used to drink heavily so I absolutely will not judge anyone but stating facts is not being “controlling”. And no one has said she has to have sex

@Cara003344 In your place I would have a conversation with him about how he has to accept that you lead your life in certain ways and it's ok for your decisions to be different to his at times. You like Fanta, he doesn't. That's fine. He is tidier than you at times. That's also fine. Of course in some areas there needs to be compromise (from both sides!) but sometimes it's ok for you both to have different ways of doing things. I'm assuming he sometimes watches football, for example (maybe you can think of a better example!), and that's boring for you - but you don't assume that means it's your place to make him stop, because you respect his individuality.

I have told my husband something similar. Men are generally quite entitled and often need putting in their place. He thinks his way is right by default. I call it his "DH bias" and tease him about it.

Regarding the drinking, personally I think a bottle in one sitting is a lot. But his reasoning for complaining is shit. You don't have to give up your hobbies to keep him entertained and to have sex with him. If he'd said he was worried about your behaviour when drunk or that he's concerned you're becoming dependent on alcohol that would be a different conversation, I think.

Actually it is totally unreasonable. It's not as if the OP is falling down drunk. She's a grown up who can choose to relax over a few glasses of wine without being made to feel like a raging alcoholic. It's not her problem if he doesn't drink but it is her problem if she lets him control her.

I’m another who would be quite drunk after a bottle of wine and not my best self. I’d definitely be annoying to be around if you were stone cold sober!

I’d also likely sleep late the next morning and be a bit sluggish and slow until around lunchtime. So in fact I’d be impacting on my family on Friday and Saturday which is not ideal if it’s an every week thing.

OP may of course have a higher alcohol tolerance level than me but I’m just putting it out there that he may not be unreasonable to be irritated with her.

The wine I have is spread out from dinner to bed so about 4 to 5 hours. I'm not drunk after that. I would be tipsy but not drunk. I get up at 5 with my 2 year old every morning and that includes Saturdays and host playdates and go to activities so I feel it has no impact in that regard.

So if you have a bottle of wine at the end of your working week, how is it he doesn't like how you fold the clothes away and clean stuff ? - I hope it's because when he does it his 50% of the time it's immaculately done. Or are you doing it all? Could explain why sex has become a less attractive prospect.

My thoughts too. I wouldn't put up with that.

I think it should be your own choice if you fancy a drink or not! However as someone who very rarely drinks i have to admit people become extremely tedious to be around when they have had few drinks. They tend to be repetitive, boring and irritating, my ex used to drive me mad at a weekend! It is one ( of the many) reasons we are no longer together!

ffs does anyone like to compromise on here with their partner’s or not?? Relationships are give and take. It’s not unreasonable to be bothered by you drinking every single week

It's depressing that someone who loves you can't cope with you unwinding ONE night a week, or drinking coke/Fanta occasionally.

I never understand why non drinkers date and marry drinkers - and there's a difference in someone who's an alcoholic, or who changes drastically when drunk - and someone who enjoys wine! In plenty of cultures wine is to be savoured, enjoyed, used as a social lubricant. In the UK there is a binge drinking problem hence the judgement of anyone who drinks - even if it's one day a week. Spreading a bottle over an evening is fine - I'm tiny but that wouldn't make a dent on me because of my constitution. All that matters is what YOUR tolerances are.

He sounds like a health nut. Is there anything he has stopped doing because you've asked him to?

My friend is married to a handsome, successful, loyal, devoted man for 15 years now. I always thought he was a great husband and they were couple goals. Until she recently confided that while he is all those things, he's also a neurotic health nut who controls and judges what she eats/drinks. He would make her packed lunches for work which I always thought was out of love and care. Turns out it's so she didn't eat junk food at work.

She's slim and svelte like she always has been but the joy and spark has been sucked out of her. Some people turn to food control to deal with their own insecurities/neuroses or feeling a loss of control in other areas - is this him? Has he always been like this?

Enjoy the wine. Enjoy the coke/Fanta. And tell him to get over his hang ups. No one can and should dictate what you eat/drink unless it's your doctor or you're in obvious health jeopardy.

Isn't the issue here that you're finishing a whole bottle by yourself? I honestly don't know of anybody who'd still have their faculties after that.

Have you tried limiting yourself to 2 or 3 glasses and see if it makes a difference?

Op MN is a hot bed of women who appear to not enjoy a drink. That’s completely fine. Their incredulity that someone can drink four glasses of wine over five hours after eating and not be a drunken mess stretches the idea of having lived a sheltered life to the absolute maximum. It’s a completely normal and acceptable thing to do. Don’t listen to these people. Your husband is controlling. He wants to take away the bit of you he doesn’t yet control. I know lots of couples where one enjoys a drink and the other doesn’t. I don’t know any who berate their drinking partner like your husband does. I was in an abusive relationship and the first manifestation was when he started saying he didn’t want me to drink - not because I was a drunkard or because I’m annoying after a drink, I’m neither of those things and no one else had ever raised it as an issue. He just could see if was something I enjoyed and wanted to undermine it and me. I’m not saying that’s necessarily your position. I honestly don’t know who these MN pearl clutchers are and imagine I would avoid their company in real life. Your husband is totally in the wrong here.

I dont drink and hubby does, we have 4 kids it doesn't bother me because he doesn't change when he does. On the other hand one of my brothers changes after a couple of drinks and I hate being around him then so I will usually leave if I'm near him..duno why it effects people differently. Anyway my personal reasons are if one of our 3 under 2s got ill I want to be fully alert should hospital or whatever be needed which will change when they get older lol..If I ask hubby not to drink he won't bother like if all kids were ill on a night or something

Are you actually serious? A bottle of wine is 3 large glasses of wine.