Husband doesn't like me drinking.

[Cara003344]

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

For those saying OP has a drinking problem, being able to limit alcohol for one night a week (even if it is a whole bottle

OP, according to the official data, is binge drinking. It's up to her to decide if she wants to, though, not us or her husband.

Let's remember what the official guidelines advised us to do during the lockdowns eh (which those making the rules didn't follow themselves)
I for one am glad I didn't follow the guidance to the letter and saw family members who'd have otherwise been very isolated and lonely.
Most of us can apply a bit of critical thinking and make our own informed choices within the parameters we are comfortable.
Yes she may 'officially' be a Binge drinker but the worst she is doing is nodding off and then getting up with her kids at 5 the next day.

Yes she may 'officially' be a Binge drinker but the worst she is doing is nodding off

The worst she is doing is heightening her risk of various non communicable and potentially serious illnesses.

But still, it's up to OP, not her husband or anybody else, to decide if that's what she wants to be doing. We all heighten our risk of illness in many ways. Applying critical thinking and making informed choices involves recognising potentials. The risks of alcohol consumption aren't all about whether you can get up in the morning or not.

The risks of illness really don't seem to be the husbands concern here.
And even if they were, those 9 or 10 units in one sitting, once per week still leaves a pretty minimal risk to the OPs overall health and wellbeing which comprises so many factors as well all know.
For a kick off, it would improve her health to have the H share some of the early mornings with her.
Lack of sleep is a serious concern to one's health too.

Can't help thinking if the OP was trying to stop DH having a few drinks of a Friday night most responses would be negative. Personally I couldn't enjoy a drink anyway with some sentinel hovering at my elbow.

The risks of illness really don't seem to be the husbands concern here

I agree, @Nighttoremember I was just responding to people insinuating that OP's drinking is 'nothing' or not problematic.

The worst she is doing is heightening her risk of various non communicable and potentially serious illnesses.

A lot of everyday things that we might use / consume / inhale can cause non communicable diseases.

Do you by any chance eat processed foods? Especially ham, bacon or sausages?
Do you eat a lot of meat?
Do you measure your salt intake?
Do you live somewhere that has a lot of air pollution? Or travel by tube?
Do you exercise regularly?
Do you use cleaning products often?
Do you take medication?

Honestly a lot of things are unavoidable!

But if I were to drink a bottle of wine a week (even if it is in one day), I still might be better off than someone who lives in the city or travels by tube (which the air is said to be highly toxic), because I live in the countryside. But there are so many things that may or may not cause such diseases and illnesses so why not just have that bottle of wine a week? If it helps OP to relax that’s better for her mental health which is also very important to consider. And if her DH’s mental health is suffering then he needs to find his own way to relax rather than dictating what OP does.

I said it increases her risks, not that she shouldn't do it or that anybody should live perfectly, @WhoSaidWhat123

Couldn't agree more with this.

I just wanted to come back and update here, We had a few long talks during the week and I told him it felt controlling and judging what was happening and that Its ok that he doesn't agree with something I do and that once it is not hurting anyone maybe he needs to accept that. In fairness he admitted that I was right and he saw my point about the fact that just because he doesn't like something I do doesn't mean he can guilt me into changing it. In saying all that I still feel uneasy drinking around him so last night I had one glass while he was gone bring older child to sports activity and then I didn't have anymore once he was home. Anyway I guess the fact he was open to communication is positive and I feel more confident myself now that I am allowed to decide things for myself and I am not doing anything wrong.

@Cara003344 That sounds good and positive. It appears like he has listened to your concerns, and that you felt able adjust your habits.

However, I hope you will be alert to the possibility of judgement and control if you ever occasionally want to have two glasses of wine, or even three.

You may feel happy and healthy with one glass of wine, or your may feel controlled and judged, even for that. Are you doing this because it aligns with your own values on health, responsiblity and drinking? Or are you doing this because you are responding to his subtle disapproval?

Be very aware.

There is a lot to be said for the independent single life. It suits me anyway. No one to tell me what to do and when, or if I should or shouldn't do this or that, and it helps me retain my sense of self with no agonising over what another person is thinking or doing in relation to me.

Many partnerships are very overrated. But many work too, we only hear of the problematic issues here I suppose.

I'm staying single anyway. It's bloody marvellous - for me.

So you have adjusted your behaviour because of what your husband said, unless I am missing something?

Be very wary of doing that OP.

Controlling, manipulative behaviour often creeps up on women, AKA "the boiling frog analogy".

You are an adult and have every right to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine in your home if you so wish.

Your purpose in life is not to be cold sober, ready and waiting should your lord and master feel like sex on a friday night!

This is your life and you have agency.

Wishing you well

I ❤@billy1966 , always spot on. Thank you for chiming in.

Fuck him , have your wine , your allowed to relax and have a few wines on a Friday night, why the hell not ?! If he doesn’t like it that’s his problem . Of course you change when you drink we all do ! You not rude or aggressive so what’s the problem? Other than he doesn’t like it …. Go swivel mate ! Have you wine it and enjoy and fuck him !

THIS IS A YEAR OLD THREAD.

He sounds very controlling. That doesn't improve long term, it usually gets worse as you limit yourself and try to make yourself smaller to appease his views and opinions and demands.

You might want to strongly consider putting this guy in the bin .

Looks to me like he's got you doing all the donkey work through classic manipulation.

Don't give up the wine, give up the man.

I’m sorry but I can’t agree with that post about him being right? - how can one night affect your relationship and if it does then maybe it’s him that needs to rethink. Why the heck should someone have to give up drinking one night a week because it doesn’t suit someone else??

Hi Cara,
I’m not sure what his problem is with you having a drink. It’s a fairly normal thing for most people to do at the weekend as a way of relaxing.
Is it a control thing? I don’t know.
Have you asked him why it annoys him / what the big deal is?
I have experienced this with my own husband. He gets really annoyed & will sigh and say are you having another glass. He works away during the week so he doesn’t usually drink at home, as Thursday seems to be a big drinking night out for him so when he flies home on Friday he sleeps on the couch & occasionally wakes to give off about me having a drink.
I drink 2 nights & he has said several times that I have a problem but when I’ve asked him to stop with me he’ll reply no because he doesn’t have a problem. He is also adamant I drink at his friend’s weddings.
Anyway I have come to view, for myself personally, that it is about him being in charge and in control.
I’m not sure if this helps? But I can’t really work out his reasoning - you change but it doesn’t really bother him?
Most times now I go & watch TV & enjoy my wine in the other room without judgment.
Take care,
SB

I think that's what he's complaining about! She doesn't fuck him when she's had a few glasses of wine & he resents her not being available to pleasure him.

selfish twat

@Cara003344 read your own post back & see what a controlling, selfish hit you're married to!

Last week I got woken by a call at 2am from my husband. He works away during the week. I was a bit panicked but when I answered it I could hear a woman talking to him.
It’s crazy how many thoughts can go through your head in a matter of mins but it soon became apparent that he was in a private room in a strip club. (from her referring to him as naughty boy & giggling & the music in the background etc).
Even typing this now is making me feel physically sick. Basically I got to hear & record her getting him hard (over his clothes - apparently). Him commenting on her body, asking to feel her tits & slapping her ass. He paid £330 for that sexual experience whilst I got to listen for free. Only apparently it” wasn’t sexual & it wasn’t cheating.”
He told me he made an error in judgement. He said he was really drunk. He said he didn’t want to go into the club in the first place. This is the best bit - when I asked was she the 1st girl that offered him a dance he said no she was the third. When I asked what was so special about her he said nothing “I was trying to get them away from me.” What by getting out your wallet, putting your pin in & following her upstairs to a room.
He has been angry & defensive. He said initially it was the 1st time though has since admitted he paid on his own stag for one 17 years ago. He has been on about 8 foreign stags in those years, he knows I don’t approve of strip clubs but I put up with it as that’s what happens on them. He says he can’t remember if he paid for this type of sexual encounter on any of those other trips. He has also repeatedly said “it was just a lap dance.” Yesterday when I said you won’t even admit you cheated, he said it is cheating if that’s how you feel about it.
I don’t know where to go from here. I can’t get the images of him touching another woman out of my head. He initially told me nothing happened - so does he class this as nothing. He has worked away on & off for the 20 years we’ve been together. I do believe this isn’t a regular thing but I’ll never know. He has admitted I’d have never known if his phone hadn’t dialled me. So he’d have come home & gotten into bed with me.
I am really struggling because he keeps saying he is disgusted at himself & genuinely sorry but part of me thinks he’s only sorry he got caught.
The worst part though is that the call also woke my 14 year old daughter. She now wants nothing more to do with him. I know she is angry & hurt & I am so mad at him for affecting her childhood like this esp because he is supposed to be the best example of what a decent man is. I have spent a week trying not to sob in front of her & reminding her what a good dad he is, has been to her when all I really want to do is punch him in the face.
I don’t know what advice I’m looking for - I am just so hurt and sad and angry and I don’t know what to do.
thanks

Sorry I have posted this is the wrong place. Not sure how to delete?

Sorry I’ve posted this is in the wrong place-just new- don’t know how to delete?

@SB75 contact MN and they'll delete it