Husband doesn't like me drinking.

[Cara003344]

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

@Eyerollcentral 👍👍👍

Yes, very much so.

OP, how could you possibly enjoy the company of someone you need to hide an empty soft drink can from?

Yes. A bottle of wine is 750ml. A standard glass, which is what you'd get at a restaurant, is 125ml. You (or rather, I) would expect to get 6 servings out of a bottle.

A small glass is 125ml. Six glasses from a bottle, god, don’t kill your guests with kindness

@Appleblum I guess we just move in different circles, which is fine. You said you honestly don't know anyone that would still have their faculties after drinking one bottle of wine, which I find incredible... but hey-ho. And I honestly don't know anyone that would try and stretch one bottle of wine out into 6 tiny glasses and think that's reasonable 🤷‍♀️

Doesn't seem unreasonable drinking, sounds like he's just controlling.

No social life, plus he doesnt want you having a few glasses of wine on a Friday night on the off-chance he may want sex?! I predict you'll be bored shitless eventually and when your DCs have grown up, that'll be the end of your marriage. You'll be off

You drink a bottle at a time - which is binge drinking. You have a history of overindulging and you change in a way where he doesn’t enjoy being around you when you are drunk.

While most are telling you this is all really healthy and great and to get wasted whenever you want to feel good, I would suggest you talk to a health care provider about your drinking. You may be downplaying your problem drinker and your husband may have legitimate concerns. Being drunk one weekend night every week from downing a whole bottle in a binge wouldn’t go over well in many families with young children.

Wading in from other side here

Busy mum , husband works away , he socialises while away but with clients so working .

When he's home and has a drink he falls asleep , which after being a single parent all week robs us of time together. The weekend starts with him in a mood . He gets up next day and does things with our girls but is definitely testy . It's a lot better when he did dry January , definitely easier to live with .

I don't drink , used to , but since being pregnant 16 years ago I just didn't see the appeal and now I can't tolerate alcohol , gives me ibs

I think there is nothing wrong with telling someone you love / live with that you are unhappy with something .

Lots of advice from both camps OP - those who think a bottle of wine in an evening is acceptable and those who 'know' differently. I say 'know' because they really do know, all guidelines point to this being too much in one sitting, Google it if you don't believe them. Alcohol does affect everyone differently but I doubt for one second that anyone, after a bottle of wine, appears exactly the same to a sober person. It's just not possible. So, you DH will have a point. That's not to say he's not ALSO trying to control you, but simply that he does have a point over your drinking - whether you want to hear it / accept it or not.

Speak for yourself. I’ve never seen a thread about how a husband should give up drinking when his wife is pregnant, where everyone calls him selfish if he refuses. If that’s your double standard, own it, but don’t speak for the rest of us. The man is controlling.

What a ridiculously dramatic post. A history of over indulging? Downing a bottle, getting wasted?

One bottle of wine is 10 units, weekly alcohol guidelines from the NHS are no more than 14 units, and to have days off drinking alcohol each week, so the OP is drinking less than the limit and 6 days off is all within the guidelines.

Drinking that amount, spread over an evening, when also having a meal isn’t excessive, it’s about three large glasses.

@CrystalCoco you can Google this too, it’s all on the NHS website.

I'll give my male perspective but he sounds like an arsehole to be honest OP.

It's once a week and a couple of glasses of wine. Yes, everyone is slightly different with a little alcohol in them, but does it matter? What a prick.

Setting aside the other issues you've mentioned in your marriage for a moment, ie if everything else in your relationship was good, I can see both sides to this.

Drinking a bottle of wine in one evening every week - that's a lot of units in one night.

Perhaps he has experience of living in a drink-dependent family. I've been there, I would get very nervous around someone drinking that much in one go. I don't try to control the drinking of people around me, but my DH knows my history and why I get nervous, and he would rather not drink, or drink a little, than make me anxious. The drink doesn't mean that much to him.

Or perhaps it changes you more than you realise.

All that said, looking at the other comments you've made, it looks like he is controlling, critical and thinks he's your boss. So unless there's some other background that would make him reasonably nervous of your drinking, I'd say he has no right to comment. And no wonder you no longer fancy him.

My DH goes to the pub one night per week. I really couldn’t care less, yes he’s a bit irritating when he comes home because I’m sober and he’s drunk but he’s had fun with his friends and I enjoy the peaceful evening. Your DH is being controlling, 1 bottle of wine once per week is absolutely fine. You’re hardly a raging alcoholic. I do however hate it when my DM drinks because she always used to be drunk by the time I got home from school and she always changed. But that was every day. She’s better now but as soon as she’s had a drink it puts me on edge because I know what’s coming. You’re doing fine OP, as long as it doesn’t spill out over several nights you’re doing fine.

Finishing a bottle is 6 glasses of wine, and is binge drinking. It's dangerous.

He sounds like a cunt

It's not for you to decide what's reasonable or not. You're not the authority and neither is anybody else.

He'd say that though, wouldn't he? It's far more palatable than 'Don't do it because you won't want to give me sex.'

www.gov.uk/government/publications/delivering-better-oral-health-an-evidence-based-toolkit-for-prevention/chapter-12-alcohol#:~:text=Binge%20drinking%20really%20means%20drinking,an%20increased%20risk%20of%20injury.

Binge drinking is more than 6 units in one session for women or 8 units for men in one session. She said she drank the whole bottle - yes.

Urmmmmm this one is simple if you want to drink a bottle of wine on a Friday night then that's up to you if he doesn't then that's up to him.

Tell him tough cookies

You can also Google how many units per day the guidelines say - I'll give you a clue, it's not 10. While you're at it, check out what constitutes binge drinking.

Your reading and comprehension skills are really poor - or you're just deluded.

With respect to everybody, there is probably not much to be gained from arguing about how much she drinks here. Yes of course we all know that drinking a bottle of wine a night is not exactly what the Dr ordered, and in some people it would be enough to cause a degree of liver damage. But equally, there are loads of people who drink a huge amount more than this and it has no effect on their liver function. Because that's what the liver is like - everyone's is different. Ditto other health effects of drinking - she might be damaging her health for sure, but equally she probably knows lots of people (because there are lots of people) who drink much more and don't notice any long term effects.

We have no reason to think that the OP is an idiot who doesn't know what she is doing, and the (degree of) risk she is taking - and as an informed adult, as drinking remains legal, that's very much her choice.

She seems clear that the only thing that might stop her drinking is her husband's preferences - otherwise she is happy with the amount she drinks. So the issue at question is not whether we as individuals think she should or shouldn't drink this much (if it was up to me I would advise everybody not to drink - but it isn't!). It's if, and how, she compromises her wishes with those of her husband.