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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't like me drinking.

227 replies

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 16:37

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/02/2023 11:51

And since he puffs off over her having a couple of cans of fizzy a week, I think it's more likely he thinks he owns & controls her than he's actually right about her drinking habits.

chevvyroo · 26/02/2023 12:03

Stellaris22 · 25/02/2023 16:42

I'm in a very similar situation OP. DH rarely drinks, so when I have 1-2 glasses of wine I get looks. I no longer feel comfortable buying wine so just don't anymore.

I'm happy enough without it but I do feel like it's something I've had to give up to feel more comfortable in the house.

It's definitely easier to just not drink than put up with the criticism.

Maybe in the short term, it's easier. What if he starts giving you "looks" when you do other things he doesn't approve of? Just easier to do what he dictates? As long as you aren't getting pissed and out of order then so what. What would happen if you told him to jog on?

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 15:28

Ilovelurchers · 26/02/2023 11:29

With respect to everybody, there is probably not much to be gained from arguing about how much she drinks here. Yes of course we all know that drinking a bottle of wine a night is not exactly what the Dr ordered, and in some people it would be enough to cause a degree of liver damage. But equally, there are loads of people who drink a huge amount more than this and it has no effect on their liver function. Because that's what the liver is like - everyone's is different. Ditto other health effects of drinking - she might be damaging her health for sure, but equally she probably knows lots of people (because there are lots of people) who drink much more and don't notice any long term effects.

We have no reason to think that the OP is an idiot who doesn't know what she is doing, and the (degree of) risk she is taking - and as an informed adult, as drinking remains legal, that's very much her choice.

She seems clear that the only thing that might stop her drinking is her husband's preferences - otherwise she is happy with the amount she drinks. So the issue at question is not whether we as individuals think she should or shouldn't drink this much (if it was up to me I would advise everybody not to drink - but it isn't!). It's if, and how, she compromises her wishes with those of her husband.

Yes, well said. A partner in a healthy relationship, one partner doesn't try to be in charge of the other's health, and certainly not due to what they want in bed.

@Cara003344 Is he controlling in other ways, or is he generally Mr Respectful, even when you do something that he wouldn't think was the best idea?

I suspect there's more going on here, in terms of him being controlling and dominating in your relationship.

Bunbuns3 · 26/02/2023 15:31

I think if you are being honest with yourself, your probably a bit awful when you drink or your husband would not be saying such things. Drinkers rarely see the damage they do. Their selfish behaviour is a burden for others.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 15:35

Bunbuns3 · 26/02/2023 15:31

I think if you are being honest with yourself, your probably a bit awful when you drink or your husband would not be saying such things. Drinkers rarely see the damage they do. Their selfish behaviour is a burden for others.

it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed

He clearly doesn't think she's all that bad, if one of his main concerns is that he won't get to have sex with her.

Sleepytimebear · 26/02/2023 15:41

Clearly there is a difference of opinion about whether the OP drinks too much but this is a red herring. This is about bodily autonomy and about being able to make your own decisions about your body and what you put in it. The OP is aware her husband isn't happy but it's her decision whether or not she changes her behaviour and he needs to either respect that decision or leave. I don't think it matters whether she has 1 drink a week or is a raging alcoholic, it's her decision. Given he also has an issue with her drinking the occasional Fanta I really don't think this is anything to do with alcohol and is all about him controlling her.

Original poster
Cara003344 · 26/02/2023 16:13

Bunbuns3 · 26/02/2023 15:31

I think if you are being honest with yourself, your probably a bit awful when you drink or your husband would not be saying such things. Drinkers rarely see the damage they do. Their selfish behaviour is a burden for others.

I'm honestly not and he has never suggested such a thing. We watch a movie I sometimes fall asleep during it we go to bed. I never say or do anything awful. It's not like I don't remember . He just doesn't like that I'm a bit distracted but mainly that I tend to fall asleep before we get to have sex. I believe that if we had sex every time I had wine then he would be all for it. I would understand if I got blackout drunk and was being mean but that is the opposite of who I am when drinking. Anyway thanks all for the replies. Lots to think over. I'm still torn but I might just not drink the next few Fridays and just see how it all goes. Its not a huge deal I just enjoy it but don't need it. I guess I just don't particularly like feeling that I'm being told what to do or made guilty for what I do. I don't really know who I am anymore the last few years. I got diagnosed with something life changing and dealing with some difficulties with one child. I'm all over the place. I may need some sort of counselling or something.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 16:20

So it's basically about sex for him, then?

Have you told him how that makes you feel? That he'd rather you curtail what you want to do so that he can he do what he wants to do with your body?

What's the sex like? Is he loving, and caring about your wants and needs?

Does he stop doing things he wants to do, in order to make sure that you get everything that you want in the relationship? I mean, clearly not, given that he's not willing to give up his Friday night penis-massage so that you can have a few drinks and doze off in front of the telly.

I'm curious to know what the diagnosis is that you got, that's left him blithely expecting regular sex from you. Do you even want to have sex with him when you've not had a drink?

billy1966 · 26/02/2023 16:35

He sounds controlling and critical of you.

You are going through a lot and he is still critising you and concerned primarily about himself and if he gets sex.

He sounds selfish.

Mind yourself OP, he doesn't sound like any great prize.

Eyerollcentral · 26/02/2023 17:15

‘Its not a huge deal I just enjoy it but don't need it. I guess I just don't particularly like feeling that I'm being told what to do or made guilty for what I do.’ neither should you. It will be a bigger deal if you capitulate to his will on this. What will be the next thing? If you stop having a glass of wine on a Friday night and drinking fizzy drinks do you think you’ll then be the perfect wife in his eyes and he’ll stop giving out to you? There will always be something else with this kind of controlling man. It makes it even worse OP that you are going through a life changing diagnosis yourself and his only thought is how to stop you falling asleep on a Friday night before he gets to have sex. The cold, uncaring attitude of your husband to you versus his own wants is chilling.

Ooshie · 26/02/2023 17:26

Don’t stop just because he wants sex, he sounds like a complete prick.

Original poster
Cara003344 · 26/02/2023 17:33

Ooshie · 26/02/2023 17:26

Don’t stop just because he wants sex, he sounds like a complete prick.

I think the sex is the main thing but he also in general is weird about alcohol. He does drink but vert little. Always stops at 1 or 2 if at home. He can't understand why anyone would have more than that. So I don't know really is it a bit of both.

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 26/02/2023 17:41

@Cara003344 so if you stop the Friday wine - which it’s your right to drink regardless of the chorus of disapproval from the ‘more than a thimble is a problem’ brigade - and the fizzy drinks, what’s to say he won’t start having problems with what you eat. What you wear. How you cut your hair.

Maybe he’s just being a bit funny because he’s a health nut but this is also how coercive control starts. Slowly, by degrees.
You’ve already said he’s quite judgy and picks out you about folding clothes.

I know which likelihood my money is on.
You need to think about your boundaries and compromise and decide where your lines are - not just his.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 18:00

So I don't know really is it a bit of both

So what if it is? He cares about you in the way that you can't drink more than he can understand, and in that you still have to be able to give him sex when he wants it?

Does it sound like a loving attitude to you?

musingsinmidlife · 26/02/2023 18:05

I don't know why so many think it is so bizarre and strange and unusual and horrible that someone likes and wants to have sex with their spouse and that given how busy the weeks are, weekends are often when intimacy can happen.

Sex is being talked about on this thread as though it is the worst thing in the world and wanting sex with your spouse makes you a bad person.

Eyerollcentral · 26/02/2023 18:15

musingsinmidlife · 26/02/2023 18:05

I don't know why so many think it is so bizarre and strange and unusual and horrible that someone likes and wants to have sex with their spouse and that given how busy the weeks are, weekends are often when intimacy can happen.

Sex is being talked about on this thread as though it is the worst thing in the world and wanting sex with your spouse makes you a bad person.

Sex itself is not the issue. The issue is a husband telling a wife I don’t want you to x because sometimes it interferes with my desire to have sex with you and you must accept that my desire to have sex with you overrides everything else you want to do. I wonder if people would see this more clearly if it was an exercise class on a Friday evening that tired the OP out so that she sometimes fell asleep before they had sex.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 18:17

musingsinmidlife · 26/02/2023 18:05

I don't know why so many think it is so bizarre and strange and unusual and horrible that someone likes and wants to have sex with their spouse and that given how busy the weeks are, weekends are often when intimacy can happen.

Sex is being talked about on this thread as though it is the worst thing in the world and wanting sex with your spouse makes you a bad person.

This post misses the point completely. Wanting to have sex with your partner is one thing. Pressuring your partner not to do what they want to do in order that you can have sex with them is another thing altogether.

OP wants to drink some wine and potentially doze off in front of the TV. He is unwilling to accept this as he wants sex. Can you really not see what's wrong here, musings? Do you really think it's ok for one spouse to try to refuse the other spouses wants in favour of their own? Why should someone put their spouse's desires ahead of their own? Why should OP feel she should offer sex to him if she doesn't feel like it herself? Why should she want to have sex on a particular night of the week, and how can she/anybody make that happen?

HoleyShit · 26/02/2023 18:22

He does sound very controlling, if you abstained from alcohol and still didn't want to have sex, I'm betting he would still be shitty with you.

So, let that be the test. See what happens?

Whats his issue with the fizzy drinks? God I couldn't put up with that level of judgement. He's fucking oppressive if you ask me.

What else does he judge you for? I bet there's plenty of other examples....

U1sce · 26/02/2023 18:34

Your dhs mention of sex isnt great, but a whole bottle by yourself most fridays is quite a lot. You have 3 young children, how does it affect the rest of the weekend? Are you bright eyed the Sat morning or does it affect the family then as well as his friday night every week?

I can guarantee if this was the ither eay round and a man putting away a bottle every friday the responses would have been different!

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 18:36

I can guarantee if this was the ither eay round and a man putting away a bottle every friday the responses would have been different

Not if his wife was saying the problem was that she wanted sex.

He doesn't sound interested in her health or how Saturday mornings are at all.

Original poster
Cara003344 · 26/02/2023 18:39

U1sce · 26/02/2023 18:34

Your dhs mention of sex isnt great, but a whole bottle by yourself most fridays is quite a lot. You have 3 young children, how does it affect the rest of the weekend? Are you bright eyed the Sat morning or does it affect the family then as well as his friday night every week?

I can guarantee if this was the ither eay round and a man putting away a bottle every friday the responses would have been different!

I'm the one who gets up Saturday mornings at 5 with my 2 year old. He gets up about 10. Weekends are filled and busy I would never keep doing something if it affected the next day like that. It genuinely doesn't.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/02/2023 18:44

That’s not a good sign though. It suggests your regular binge drinking has resulted in you building up a tolerance. It may only be once a week but a whole bottle of wine is a binge.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 18:51

OP hasn't asked for advice on her drinking. Are we all making perfect health decisions, and would we heed our spouses if they started to make us feel pressured to, on account of the fact that they want more sex with us?

How would 'Put that biscuit down, I need to have sex with you' suit you, @Wolfiefan ? Or 'Stop scrolling facebook, I need a shag'?

Would you like to be pressured to stop doing an unhealthy thing because he wanted sex?

musingsinmidlife · 26/02/2023 19:20

Eyerollcentral · 26/02/2023 18:15

Sex itself is not the issue. The issue is a husband telling a wife I don’t want you to x because sometimes it interferes with my desire to have sex with you and you must accept that my desire to have sex with you overrides everything else you want to do. I wonder if people would see this more clearly if it was an exercise class on a Friday evening that tired the OP out so that she sometimes fell asleep before they had sex.

Show quote history

I guess it depends how healthy their sex life is and how often OP initiates it. If they have a great sex life and she is an active initiator, then I agree he shouldn't mention sex on Fridays.

However I can see myself if we have a busy week and I am thinking that maybe the weekend will be less hectic and husband and I can spend some quality time together and he decides that instead every weekend when that free time comes, he would rather get drunk than spend time with me, I would get frustrated. It isn't about her not being able to drink but how the timing and quantity is interfering with the time they have as a couple. Her DH doesn't like being on his own every Friday evening while she gets drunk and falls asleep. He sees Fridays instead as a day they could spend the evening together and have sex and enjoy each other's company but instead OP chooses alcohol.

musingsinmidlife · 26/02/2023 19:27

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 18:17

This post misses the point completely. Wanting to have sex with your partner is one thing. Pressuring your partner not to do what they want to do in order that you can have sex with them is another thing altogether.

OP wants to drink some wine and potentially doze off in front of the TV. He is unwilling to accept this as he wants sex. Can you really not see what's wrong here, musings? Do you really think it's ok for one spouse to try to refuse the other spouses wants in favour of their own? Why should someone put their spouse's desires ahead of their own? Why should OP feel she should offer sex to him if she doesn't feel like it herself? Why should she want to have sex on a particular night of the week, and how can she/anybody make that happen?

Show quote history

I am not saying anyone should pressure anyone into sex. In many marriages, one person has chosen alcohol over quality time with their spouse. It generally doesn't bode well for a marriage. As I said in the response above, if they have a great sex life and OP often initiates and they spend lots of quality time together, then her DH just needs to accept that on Fridays - his wife wants to spend the evening drinking and he should instead go out or do something else so he isn't sitting getting frustrated watching her drink and fall asleep.