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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't like me drinking.

227 replies

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 16:37

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 25/02/2023 18:26

Trazo · 25/02/2023 18:15

This isn't about what anyone here thinks too much or if your husband is wrong, your husband is telling you your drinking is affecting your relationship and you're looking for validation and reasons to ignore him. You're ignoring your gradually growing dependency on alcohol and making this his problem.

Are you kidding? She doesn’t have a growing alcohol dependency. To say that is deranged. Her relationship is being affected because her husband is an arse

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 25/02/2023 18:28

If sex with him isn't worth staying sober for, maybe he needs to raise his game.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/02/2023 18:33

You're ignoring your gradually growing dependency on alcohol and making this his problem

The alcohol is the excuse he's using he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. If it wasn't that it would be something else.

Sapphire387 · 25/02/2023 18:43

I'm with your husband. Drinking a bottle of wine in a night is a lot. You don't have to listen to him but equally he doesn't have to stay with someone who sounds like they are normalising excessive alcohol consumption. The fact that he says you 'change' is a flag to you that you are likely to be drinking too much. It isn't 'coercive control' for one partner to express to the other that they are concerned about their alcohol consumption, ffs.

ncnc79 · 25/02/2023 18:47

As someone who grew up with adults that drank too much, do not underestimate how unsettling that "change" is. 1 bottle in a night is a lot and I absolutely hate it when I can tell someone has drank too much, it triggers me to this day (I don't mean on nights out, weddings etc, but at home) I can't quite put my finger on it, I suppose it terrifies me it's the start of alcoholism, even if that's irrational.

I'm probably the unreasonable one, but just want to say that those feelings are genuine and it's not about trying to be controlling.

Sleepytimebear · 25/02/2023 18:49

Sapphire387 · 25/02/2023 18:43

I'm with your husband. Drinking a bottle of wine in a night is a lot. You don't have to listen to him but equally he doesn't have to stay with someone who sounds like they are normalising excessive alcohol consumption. The fact that he says you 'change' is a flag to you that you are likely to be drinking too much. It isn't 'coercive control' for one partner to express to the other that they are concerned about their alcohol consumption, ffs.

No it isn't. It's one night a week. It's 3 glasses. My ex husband used to change when he drank even 1 drink. He was really smiley and got a bit silly with the jokes he made. A bit annoying? Yes. Problematic? No.

Wereongunoil · 25/02/2023 18:51

My father was an alcoholic, growing up it was horrible to be at home, I hated it.

When I met DH he used to drink. I told him about my childhood and said I couldn't be with someone who drunk alcohol. I told him it's not a problem if he wanted to carry on but we couldn't go on seeing one another if he did.
He hasn't drunk in the last 32 years.

pornyshroudofturin · 25/02/2023 18:58

Trazo · 25/02/2023 18:17

Sorry, hit sent too soon. He's asking for closeness and you see him as judging, which he is because you're putting alcohol first. You're guards up, naturally, because drinking means more. Good luck x

There are six other nights a week he can “ask for closeness”. He’s being controlling and OP isn’t unreasonable at all

ncnc79 · 25/02/2023 19:00

And to those saying a bottle isn't a lot, unless what she's drinking is very low alcohol, an average bottle is about 10 units and a binge in a woman is classed as more than 6 units in a sitting (from the quick Google I did!) a bottle of wine is more than enough to trigger that change the DH has mentioned. It's not always just about "annoyance" but can be extremely unsettling for anyone who has experienced big drinkers/alcoholics.

tatteddear · 25/02/2023 19:09

Oh for heavens sake. Adult woman drinks three glasses of wine twice a month.
It's hardly wild is it?

There's more to life than being policed on having three glasses of wine.

philautia · 25/02/2023 19:14

I don't drink but I used to. In fact, I drank quite frequently (couple of bottles of wine a week spread out) up until I was pregnant with our first. I don't mind my partner having a drink at all, it's not for me anymore and I know I'll never go back to it.

However, he isn't the same and I can tell after 2 glasses of wine that he isn't sober. He will start conversations we'd never normally have and his eyes look glazed over. I feel sad sometimes that he doesn't realise how good it is to be sober. It's irritating at times but it isn't anything bad and he's not argumentative or moody.

We just have a rule that if he drinks more than a couple of glasses of anything he sleeps in the spare room.

EllieM27 · 25/02/2023 19:17

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 16:58

We haven't been doing it that much at all lately which adds to the problem. I am rarely feeling in the mood as honestly there is an awful lot of stuff going on right now and life has been hard these last few years for us both. I think he feels that if I have a few drinks then why wouldn't I want to do stuff. it is a few times a month and he isn't delighted about that either.

Show quote history

Ah. I think this is likely his main problem, and the Friday night wine is a bit of a red herring. He probably doesn’t want to pick at you all the time about sex because he knows it’s crap behaviour especially if you two have a lot of stress in your lives at the moment, so instead he’s picking at you having wine on Fridays to show his displeasure. Really unpleasant of him.

ncnc79 · 25/02/2023 19:20

Oh for heavens sake. Adult woman drinks three* glasses of wine twice a month.It's hardly wild is it?*

No it's not, but you're deliberately missing the point, on the occasions she does, it is clearly enough to cause the change that is can be difficult for people not drinking.

Im typing this whilst having a glass myself, I'm not judging the OP at all, I'm just trying to say I do understand what the DH is saying about someone changing.

Why does MN have to be "HE'S A DICK" life is more nuanced than that, yes some of what he's saying is unreasonable, not all of it, we can only go from what has been said.

Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2023 19:22

Tbf, from a different angle - my mum drunks one glass of wine and immediately becomes the most annoying person in the world. Sometimes she actually doesn't do anything but it puts my back up as I'm just...expecting it now. I don't hang around when she is around and drinking. So I can understand your husband when he says he doesn't like it when you've a drink in you.

As for experience with ppl I date drinking...im not a fan. But maybe that's because my last partner always had to have a drink and i suspected there was a dependence there, so I ended the relationship. And the last date I had, the guy was lovely...until hqlf way through the second date he got absolutely shit faced (ugh).

I'm not much of a drinker though either though tbf. But I'm so fed up of people overdoing the booze and totally sympathetic to anyone who has to live with someone who does so.

Arguably, a bottle on a Friday isn't a big deal but I'm not there to be the judge on that. It clearly annoys the shit out of your partner. Maybe he could go out those nights though. Treat himself to a meal and a movie and give you some peace.

I don't try to change people's behaviour when I'm not comfortable with it. I don't hang about winging. I just leave. If its one night per week, why doesn't he just go out and give you peace thar one night instead of whinging about it!

MisschiefMaker · 25/02/2023 19:57

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me.

I think it would help if we heard more about this for context.

MichaelFabricantWig · 25/02/2023 20:02

I had a drink problem, been sober 18 months now. My husband still drinks. However, he has a couple of units in an evening on average (measured) and drinks to excess very rarely. I am fine with it because I have lost all desire to drink and he doesn’t get drunk and annoying. If he did then I might feel differently.

in your case I don’t think you are drinking too excessively if you are just having a bottle once a week, albeit it is classed as binge drinking. It’s up to you whether you want to stop or cut down though not your husband

FinallyHere · 25/02/2023 20:07

usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle.

There is quite the difference between a few ie three glasses or 'usually finishing the bottle'. That would most likely be more than half a week's units in one night, sounds like a binge to me.

DH drinks a lot, compared to me. I decided I was ok with it so long as it doesn't impact his behaviour.

It sounds from what you write that her DH does notice the difference in you. Why would a glass or two mean that you are not interested in sex when you go to bed, unless it's convenient for you as an excuse.

Which is it?

Another thing, is that what would you do if there was an emergency and your DC needed to be driven say to doctor or hospital in an emergency. Are you relying on him being able to drive ?

I'd suggest that you try a month of do without drinking and then see how you like your life. If you don't like it, then you will have some idea of what to do next.

Original poster
Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 20:08

MisschiefMaker · 25/02/2023 19:57

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me.

I think it would help if we heard more about this for context.

In terms of our relationship he Seems to judge small things like one example the fact that I sometimes drink coke/Fanta cans. I only have one once or twice a week but he sees them in recycling and either comments or just has a look on his face. I actually find myself hiding them under other recycling to avoid the look. Other things I do or don't do well enough such as clothes not all being put away. Things not being clean enough. What often happens is everything will be fine for ages but suddenly something will set him off and it all comes out the things I'm doing wrong or not enough of. I feel like I'm not a good person a lot of the time as I'm not meeting his standards.

However he is a good dad, reliable trustworthy husband whose company I enjoy. So it's not all awful or anything. I do feel lucky to have him.

OP posts:
quinceh · 25/02/2023 20:11

His behaviour sounds manipulative. Drink whatever feels right for you.

category12 · 25/02/2023 20:15

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 20:08

In terms of our relationship he Seems to judge small things like one example the fact that I sometimes drink coke/Fanta cans. I only have one once or twice a week but he sees them in recycling and either comments or just has a look on his face. I actually find myself hiding them under other recycling to avoid the look. Other things I do or don't do well enough such as clothes not all being put away. Things not being clean enough. What often happens is everything will be fine for ages but suddenly something will set him off and it all comes out the things I'm doing wrong or not enough of. I feel like I'm not a good person a lot of the time as I'm not meeting his standards.

However he is a good dad, reliable trustworthy husband whose company I enjoy. So it's not all awful or anything. I do feel lucky to have him.

Show quote history

Fucks sake, what is his major malfunction? Is he like a health nut or something?

Frankly it's a wonder you don't drink a lot more, stuck with him.

It's none of his business if you drink some fizzy drinks occasionally, or a bit of wine. Who made him the boss of you?

I don't think you should feel lucky to have someone who makes you feel not good enough.

Vodababy · 25/02/2023 20:19

If this was the other way around all the comments would be about how selfish he is to continue something weekly that upsets you so much.

ncnc79 · 25/02/2023 20:25

@Vodababy I know could you imagine telling the OP her husband should drink "what feels right for him" if she said he drank too much in a sitting and it changed his behaviour, or that it is none of her business.

category12 · 25/02/2023 20:28

ncnc79 · 25/02/2023 20:25

@Vodababy I know could you imagine telling the OP her husband should drink "what feels right for him" if she said he drank too much in a sitting and it changed his behaviour, or that it is none of her business.

So you're fully on board with him being critical about her drinking fanta too?

discobrain · 25/02/2023 20:29

Why do people always say men like this are good dads etc

As if it makes up for them being arseholes

ncnc79 · 25/02/2023 20:33

@category12 no as I've said previously I think it's nuanced, some of what she's said he's being unreasonable, but some things are not. I'm talking about the drinking only.