Husband doesn't like me drinking.

[Cara003344]

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

3 to 4 in one sitting is too much.

Yup this bit is gross

Why is it affecting the relationship?

The only solid thing he’s mentioned is sex, and there are another 6 evenings in the week to have sex.

It’s true is isn’t much fun to watch someone else drink, but it’s equally true it isn’t fun to be told you can’t have a few drinks once a week.

Tell him to take himself elsewhere if he doesn’t like you when you get a bit tipsy. Moderate drinking once a week is normal behaviour and doesn’t need to be controlled by Mr Controlling. It sounds like your husband has a coercive streak so don’t give in to that. Equally, keep an eye on your drinking so it doesn’t slip over into excessive.

I don't drink much at all, dh does. Wine at lunch, beer/lager/cider late afternoon, wine in the evening. He doesn't generally get drunk. I have no issues, he's a grown up, he dies sometimes fall asleep due to it, but so what? On the few occasions he does get drunk he's generally a happy one and gets really silly which is funny.

I think your dh is being very selfish.

I agree - have as many glasses as you like and then give him a good fucking.
Before you know it, he'll probably be buying the wine for you

Maybe he is controlling you, or trying to. Maybe he is genuinely worried about how much you drink. I'd say a bottle of wine in 1 night is a lot.

My DP doesn’t drink and I, like OP, like some wine on Fri/Sat nights.

DP doesn’t mind but doesn’t like it if I fall asleep and we effectively miss an evening together. I hate being hungover so always limit my intake.

Some of the responses on here are barmy! Compromise means you NEVER have a glass of wine? Do me a favour!! Op, you are are grown adult, if you want a few glasses of wine on a Friday (and no 3-4 is NOT too much) then you do you. If your DP doesn’t like it, that’s unfortunate. But, in the same way that it would be grossly unreasonable for you to force him to join you in your few glasses, it is grossly unreasonable for him to expect you to not have them. It’s one night a week, I’m sure he can manage!

He'd hate me, I fall asleep after one glass. I think you do well to stay awake long enough to drink the bottle.

It's entirely his choice not to drink and entirely yours to have a drink. If you only drink one evening a week as described then he is being unreasonable. If you came here saying you have a couple of glasses every night etc that's a different story. Sounds more to be like he's a bit controlling. What will he dislike next? Your friends? Your clothes?

I don't really drink at all any more, but I did in my younger years and after a week of not drinking, a whole bottle of wine in one evening would have made me as pissed as a fart.

Why not make it half a bottle on the Friday, and the other half on the Saturday?

You say he is judgy in other areas too.

So yep, I think this is him being judgy & controlling because he sees your drinking (on one night) as meaning you are not available to him for entertainment and sex as he would prefer.

So yeah, awful.

A bottle of wine in one night is a LOT.

I also think there's a difference between drinking one or two glasses of wine and a whole bottle. It's the difference between the wine being an accompaniment to another activity and being the activity in itself. That's fine if you both want to do that, but obviously your husband doesn't, so I think some compromise might not be a bad idea (and, no, that doesn't involve having sex with him if you don't want to, before anyone jumps down my throat).

Compromise. Have one Friday night every month where you have a date night at home and have a drink or two together. One Friday night where you don't drink. Two Friday nights where you both do your own thing so he can drink or not drink but he doesn't get to dictate what you do and can spend the evening doing something else if he doesn't want to be around you.

It’s really not. It’s all she drinks in a week and it’s over the course of evening. She is used to drinking that amount. Op your husband sounds judgey AF and I would find that a major turn off. He isn’t your dad. I don’t really have any advice but he isn’t saying anything about your health or any thing else, it’s just he doesn’t like it, which is weird and controlling

It’s really not, it’s three large glasses.

So?

For a lightweight.

Yes compromise is part of life and HE isn't compromising.

This isn't about what anyone here thinks too much or if your husband is wrong, your husband is telling you your drinking is affecting your relationship and you're looking for validation and reasons to ignore him. You're ignoring your gradually growing dependency on alcohol and making this his problem.

Sorry, hit sent too soon. He's asking for closeness and you see him as judging, which he is because you're putting alcohol first. You're guards up, naturally, because drinking means more. Good luck x

This is how coercive control started with my ex husband. He thought I drank too much "it was bad for my health" but actually he thought if I didn't drink I would be slimmer. It led to controlling everything I ate/ drank including water. Which just made me eat in secret and turn to comfort eating!

You are an adult and you can make your own choices about what you put in your own body. A bottle of wine is 3 large glasses. Hardly excessive once a week. you dont have a drinking problem. He may not like it but that's neither here nor there. He's made his point, you know how he feels and you have made the choice to continue drinking (or not, as the case may be) and he needs to respect that and not mention it again. He does not get to tell you how to behave and I would keep an eye out for other red flags.

A few glasses on a Friday night is not alcohol dependent FFS.