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Original poster

Is a 60 year old emotionally unavailable man likely to change?

109 replies

JCCJ23 · 24/02/2023 18:12

I've been seeing him a few months now, but feel like I'm not a priority to him and that he could take or leave the relationship. We have a laugh together but he freezes up and can't discuss any serious issues or his emotions when I bring things up. Now, this isn't me judging, he admits this himself! I've noticed he can be quite selfish and likes things done a certain way - his way!

I feel like the relationship is superficial and am wondering if it's going to get any better really.

Anyone have any experience of men like this?

OP posts:
Saffronpotatoes67 · 25/02/2023 20:03

Oblomov23 · 25/02/2023 08:35

@Saffronpotatoes67
As an aside, Re Prue Leith, I don't think she is a particularly good example. Her first husband died, she had a number of affairs yet again with married men, then married her second husband. Her first husband, when she was 21, he was 40, 18 years age difference. He was married to her mums best friend. She had an affair with him for 13 years, then married him. Abuse of power on his part at the start? Did her mums best friend not think it odd because she was there for Christmas and most big events. All her attitudes to relationships don't sit comfortably with me.

Gosh I had no idea that Prue Leigh’s love life was as colourful as her clothes! Nor that it was a matter of public record!

I am not comfortable judging someone whose circumstances I don’t know however, and she strikes me as an intelligent and sensible woman with good personal boundaries, so I’ll
leave it at that!

Saffronpotatoes67 · 25/02/2023 20:51

Walkinginthesand · 25/02/2023 07:18

I had so many serious discussions when I was younger, thinking they showed so much insight into human nature. When they became incredibly repetitive and began to pull me down, I was done with them. They can also be very manipulative.

Depends what sort of discussions you are having surely?

If they are all negative then of course that's no good. But being silent and closed can be a form of control and manipulation too; keeping the woman guessing.

But I think at the very least an emotionally astute man to use Oblomov's words, should be willing to give some indication of their goals for the year ahead perhaps, indicate how they see the relationship from their perspective, share a few insights in to their own emotional life. I'm not talking once a week but maybe annually! That way you can both try at least and live intentionally , as much as this chaotic life will allow, with a few shared goals, rather than be forever wondering what his thoughts are about a particular issue or assuming incorrectly what his priorities are. I think it's decent to do that tbh and a good relationship is based on good communication.

myveryownelectrickitten · 25/02/2023 20:56

He’s really NOT going to change - in fact will probably get much worse, as during the 60s the really grumpy old man stuff really sets in hard. By 70 they are like a caricature of the man they were at 60. If he’s emotionally unavailable and distant at 60, by 65 or 70 he’ll be even more set in his ways, even more inflexible, much more politically dogmatic, much more socially judgmental.

Sorry, OP. Leopards, spots and all that. Flowers

Lookstrangeronthisisland · 25/02/2023 20:57

It's a bit difficult to explain, but I'll try.

I am 100% committed to my partner, and he is 100% committed to me. But we have never talked about our relationship. We don't need to talk about where we will be in a year's time, because where we will be in a year's time is exactly where we are now. If either of us were unhappy with it, I suppose we would call time on it. Once you are of an age and stage where children are not a possibility, everything else kind of becomes irrelevant. DP and I both have adult children, but we do our own thing with our respective children and, in his case, grandchildren. But I think the crucial thing is that we are both the same, whereas the OP probably wants something different from whatever this man is offering.

Saffronpotatoes67 · 25/02/2023 21:29

Lookstrangeronthisisland · 25/02/2023 20:57

It's a bit difficult to explain, but I'll try.

I am 100% committed to my partner, and he is 100% committed to me. But we have never talked about our relationship. We don't need to talk about where we will be in a year's time, because where we will be in a year's time is exactly where we are now. If either of us were unhappy with it, I suppose we would call time on it. Once you are of an age and stage where children are not a possibility, everything else kind of becomes irrelevant. DP and I both have adult children, but we do our own thing with our respective children and, in his case, grandchildren. But I think the crucial thing is that we are both the same, whereas the OP probably wants something different from whatever this man is offering.

I think that’s fair enough in a committed relationship when you both have a good understanding of the situation you are in. But op is talking about a fairly new relationship and she’s not sure if the bloke is fully committed or not.

Lookstrangeronthisisland · 25/02/2023 21:36

I've never discussed with my partner whether he's committed or not. He's very much committed to himself, and he's even worse at talking about things than I am. But I suppose he must be committed to me, as we've been bumbling along in this way for 10 years.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/02/2023 21:41

I'm married to one and no they don't change.

adriftabroad · 25/02/2023 21:54

neilyoungismyhero · 25/02/2023 21:41

I'm married to one and no they don't change.

Indeed.

It gets much, much worse.

He thinks his opinion is superior to yours.
Wait until he starts telling you how to have sex, taking viagra and commenting on your body when he is 70.

Becaused he will.
He is thinking it already.

AIBUNo · 25/02/2023 22:15

adriftabroad · 25/02/2023 21:54

Indeed.

It gets much, much worse.

He thinks his opinion is superior to yours.
Wait until he starts telling you how to have sex, taking viagra and commenting on your body when he is 70.

Becaused he will.
He is thinking it already.

Show quote history

It's really not right to lump all 60 year old men together like this.

No more than it's right to lump all 60 year old women as behaving in a certain way.

People are individuals.

If you are married to one like this @adriftabroad , do you want to leave? (I would.)

AIBUNo · 25/02/2023 22:17

@Lookstrangeronthisisland You both want the same at the moment.
You hope you will both want the same thing in a year.
You don't know.

No one can predict how someone else will feel in the future.

adriftabroad · 25/02/2023 22:26

AIBUNo · 25/02/2023 22:15

It's really not right to lump all 60 year old men together like this.

No more than it's right to lump all 60 year old women as behaving in a certain way.

People are individuals.

If you are married to one like this @adriftabroad , do you want to leave? (I would.)

Show quote history

I am getting divorced. Thanks.
This post was about an age gap with a man telling a woman she does not have the most basic skills in life. I am recognising this type of man.

The man referenced in OPs post. A prediction of that man is 10 years time.
It is not a venn diagram including ALL men of 60 ffs. My favourite person in the world is a man of 60.

Why do you think, where did you glean, that I was lumping all 60 year old men together?

ValerieDoonican · 25/02/2023 22:42

He tells you how to mop your own floor!! Ye Gods, what an awful mansplaining bore. There's no excuse for it, he's patronising you either because you're young, you're female, or maybe just because you just aren't him, so not gifted with his superlative Insight and Knowledge.

But he does not sound the sort of person who is likely to think there is anything he could possibly do better in life than he already does it. Including boyfriending.

AIBUNo · 26/02/2023 08:06

He thinks his opinion is superior to yours.Wait until he starts telling you how to have sex, taking viagra and commenting on your body when he is 70.Becaused he will.He is thinking it already.

@adriftabroad ^ This is where you appeared^ to lump all men together.

How can you predict all men of 70 would need Viagra? (They don't, by the way.)
Or all the other predictions you make?

It might be how your marriage is/ was, but to make those assertions about any age-gap marriage isn't right.

butterfliedtwo · 26/02/2023 08:08

Happygirl79 · 24/02/2023 19:59

To be honest I am the female version of your man. I like people. I like a bit of company. But I am happy with my life exactly as it is. I don't see the need to change for anyone. Selfish?. Stuck in my ways?
Possibly. But very happy.

Same. And I'm not 60.

Find someone who matches your needs, OP.

YukoandHiro · 26/02/2023 08:10

He's been mature enough to tell you who he is. It won't change.

PortiasBiscuit · 26/02/2023 08:14

I love my own old man (60 today!) and I would be devastated if I lost him. However, if I did lose him, there is no way I would be taking on, what would effectively be someone else’s old man. I would have my children, my friends, my cats, the last thing I’d want is to dealing with the moods and mess of another older person.
Still, each to his own!

butterfliedtwo · 26/02/2023 08:17

JCCJ23 · 25/02/2023 14:47

Another thing I don't really like is he often shows me how to do things the 'correct way' - eg mopping a floor, stacking dishwasher, even scrambling eggs, things I've been doing myself for years.

This is a different issue altogether and should mean you don't bother with him. Why put up with that?

YukoandHiro · 26/02/2023 08:18

Just read the whole thread OP... if you're looking for a serious commitment for the rest of your life at this age, surely don't go up 15 years? You'll only end up with a short time before you're a carer.
Presumably you've either had kids or don't want them/don't expect them now... so look for someone your own age or younger so you can enjoy every day of the second chapter
(Caveat: if course none of us know what will happen tomorrow, but on the balance of predictions...)
On top of that he sounds pretty awful tbh

Ilovelurchers · 26/02/2023 10:32

I think the fact that in all of his 40 odd years (I assume) of relationship history he has only once got to the point of living with someone, and that only briefly, tells you something - this guy is either extremely had at commitment or not very interested in it (at least in terms of how commitment looks to most people - I know some people have LTRs and never live together but that is rare).

I've had a number of failed LTRs in my life and so has my husband as we both aren't great at relationships, but at least we have usually got to the point of moving in, and they have lasted a few years before we fucked them up.....

Unless this guy expresses a real and convincing commitment to doing things differently this time round (and people can grow, learn and change at any age - if they want to - my marriage demonstrates that, but it has taken some hard work on both our parts) then i would say he is really only FWB material. Plus the floor mopping, egg scrambling, doing everything "better" than you thing is fucking ANNOYING! Though not uncommon in men sadly - in fact my husband can be a bit like that - it does piss me off still and if there wasn't devoted, passionate love as compensation for it it would do my tiny mind in!

Good luck!

adriftabroad · 26/02/2023 11:49

AIBUNo · 26/02/2023 08:06

He thinks his opinion is superior to yours.Wait until he starts telling you how to have sex, taking viagra and commenting on your body when he is 70.Becaused he will.He is thinking it already.

@adriftabroad ^ This is where you appeared^ to lump all men together.

How can you predict all men of 70 would need Viagra? (They don't, by the way.)
Or all the other predictions you make?

It might be how your marriage is/ was, but to make those assertions about any age-gap marriage isn't right.

Christ, of course all 70 year olds do not need viagra.

This is nothing to do with my marriage. Thanks.

It is the mysogyny. THIS is THIS type of man.

AIBUNo · 26/02/2023 12:18

adriftabroad · 26/02/2023 11:49

Christ, of course all 70 year olds do not need viagra.

This is nothing to do with my marriage. Thanks.

It is the mysogyny. THIS is THIS type of man.

Show quote history

I don't really know what you are saying to help the OP.

How you make those predictions based on his comments about how she cleans her floor and makes scrambled eggs, to him needing Viagra by 70, commenting on sex, and her body, is rather puzzling. Rather a leap IMO.

It's not necessarily misogyny.
It is the behaviour of some men AND women in their 60s who can be set in their ways.
I'd find it very hard to live with someone else and watch them do things in a different way. As would other women who've said the same on this thread.

cigarettesNalcohol · 26/02/2023 12:28

Sounds like my dad. You won't be happy with a man like this. He won't ever change, walk away whilst you can.

Goodread1 · 26/02/2023 12:37

No chance in hell Op
Sorry to say

Better to move on from this one,
He is not just not right for you Op,

It's fundamental who he is now it's so ingrained with his age,

Even with help /support of therapy if he admited that that is?
Often in denial someone like that or oblivious
no guarantee therapy would change him

adriftabroad · 26/02/2023 12:40

AIBUNo · 26/02/2023 12:18

I don't really know what you are saying to help the OP.

How you make those predictions based on his comments about how she cleans her floor and makes scrambled eggs, to him needing Viagra by 70, commenting on sex, and her body, is rather puzzling. Rather a leap IMO.

It's not necessarily misogyny.
It is the behaviour of some men AND women in their 60s who can be set in their ways.
I'd find it very hard to live with someone else and watch them do things in a different way. As would other women who've said the same on this thread.

Show quote history

You do sounds set in your ways, opinions and critical thinking. I do not believe this personality type is in any way a typical man, quite the opposite. He is a PARTICULAR type of man, whose mentality and attitude I have come across in my 50 years on this earth several times in different situations.

It is odd he has never had a long relationship and odd he prefers younger women to control

SO I AM CLEAR FOR YOU
Not all 60 year olds are the same
Not all 70 years olds are the same
Not every man choses to use viagra.
Not all men are controlling arseholes
Not all men are emotionally unavailable

This man seems to be or will be IMO.
HTH.

AIBUNo · 26/02/2023 14:43

adriftabroad · 26/02/2023 12:40

You do sounds set in your ways, opinions and critical thinking. I do not believe this personality type is in any way a typical man, quite the opposite. He is a PARTICULAR type of man, whose mentality and attitude I have come across in my 50 years on this earth several times in different situations.

It is odd he has never had a long relationship and odd he prefers younger women to control

SO I AM CLEAR FOR YOU
Not all 60 year olds are the same
Not all 70 years olds are the same
Not every man choses to use viagra.
Not all men are controlling arseholes
Not all men are emotionally unavailable

This man seems to be or will be IMO.
HTH.

Show quote history

First, you make assumptions about men of a certain age, then you backtrack and say not all men, then you say THIS man, who is unknown to you but you predicted he will need Viagra. And now you say he might.

I have no problem with critical thinking. I do have a problem with posters who can't make their minds up and also post their opinion as facts, then backtrack when someone queries it.