Is a 60 year old emotionally unavailable man likely to change?

[JCCJ23]

I've been seeing him a few months now, but feel like I'm not a priority to him and that he could take or leave the relationship. We have a laugh together but he freezes up and can't discuss any serious issues or his emotions when I bring things up. Now, this isn't me judging, he admits this himself! I've noticed he can be quite selfish and likes things done a certain way - his way!

I feel like the relationship is superficial and am wondering if it's going to get any better really.

Anyone have any experience of men like this?

From my own experience of a relationship with a similar aged man, who had been divorced 14 years when we met, they are set in their ways and what you see is what you get. I ended up preferring his lovely DC to him, he wanted all the nice bits of a relationship, like sex, someone to have as company etc but was a closed book with fixed ways. I was 5 years younger than him and although not that big an age gap, whilst I would meet him half way, he was rigid with his behaviour. Having said that when we first met he love bombed me (took me to Paris for our first date) but then became who he was after the honeymoon period.

Agree. Navel-gazing about relationship issues falls into the "can't be arsed" category for me. It wouldn't have done when I was 21, but things change. I have a good relationship with my partner because we're both in our 50s and selfish, for want of a better word. If either of us started talking about "us" and "where our relationship is going", the other would run a mile.

I find the same with my children, actually. I had endless patience with their friendship dramas etc when they were at school. If they were school aged now and I had to deal with all that, I'd just think "sorry, but I'm not interested".

God knows how women cope with young children and the menopause together.

I don't think it's age related. Just habit, selfishness and bloody mindedness.

@JCCJ23 sorry, I really shouldn’t have been so sniffy.

It’s never a good idea to imagine that people will change. If they’re not right for you the way they are now, they’re not right for you and that really won’t change no matter how much you might like it to.

This is just really really really odd to me. If you don't like the way the guy treats you and aren't getting what you need from being with him, you're in the wrong relationship.

It's silly to continue with something thinking: "if only I could change this this and this about him then he'd be great". No. It's not fair on yourself, and it's not fair on him either.

Stop wasting your own time and his trying to make him something he isn't.

Don't wish he was different, he isn't. He isn't likely to change personality at age 60, any more than you are. Move on.

Are you dating my ex husband?

Lots of short relationships.

Well there is your answer OP.

He's obviously a charmer and 'a good catch' to have all these relationships and I expect he will move on to the next woman when you have a chat about the future, as no doubt he has done so frequently before you.

I wonder why people equate emotional closeness with “navel gazing” when they are not the same thing at all!

I’m in my late fifties and received lots of (slightly condescending in some instances) answers like this when I started a thread once questioning my long term relationship with a good but fairly emotionless bloke:

“Oh aren’t you too old for that sort of thing?”

“Surely you don’t want personal discussions at your age?”

“Why do you need to open up to your oh after all of this time?

Well each to their own and if a less intense relationship works for you then fine, but tbh I do still want a bit more than friendship and superficial chats over a cup of tea. Not least because I have actual friends for that! I do still want someone who I can be completely open with and I would hope that he could come to me with any worries, aspirations, impressions he may have too. And I want a good level of physical intimacy too!

You set your own standards op! Trust your gut. Don’t be swayed by what other people think “women of a certain age” should be happy with. It’s what you are happy with that is important!

Prue Leith fell head over heels in love when she was seventy; age has nothing to do with it!

It’s great to pair up with a man who is fully independent and self-sufficient but it’s not hugely attractive to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t appear to be that bothered either way!

I agree with pp that a lot of older men come with “baggage” and because in their eyes they have been “burned” once they are too cautious, too afraid, too weary to fully commit a second time. Or they didn’t really commit fully the first time for that matter!

Sorry I meant to quote Lookstrangeronthisisland’s post below.

Of course he's not going to change!
There's a million women like you out there for him, you need to find someone who care about YOU not just another one.

As a rule, don't most people prefer doing things in the way that they most enjoy? People will often compromise but that is usually not the first thought about something that matters to them.

If you are looking for a life partner, this does not sound like the man for that. If you are looking for a pleasant evening out, he may be your guy. It sounds as though he does not do long term relationship planning, and if he is not looking for a long term relationship just how much in depth discussion is really needed?

This is it exactly, wanting more than superficial chats over tea. And no, I'm not going to try to change him, but I suppose my original question should have been is he likely to feel stronger and develop the relationship.

This

Yes, he seems to enjoy all the nice parts of the relationship but not interested in serious discussions, which for me is all part of developing a relationship, otherwise what's the point and I'd be better hanging out with a friend

Sounds like you're not compatible OP.

I had so many serious discussions when I was younger, thinking they showed so much insight into human nature. When they became incredibly repetitive and began to pull me down, I was done with them. They can also be very manipulative.

No.

@ThisIsMyHappyFacee You got in first🤣🤣 but I really thought @JCCJ23 you might well have been dating my EXH too. He’s been through a fair few women since we got divorced.

They won’t change.

His record says no.

It's best to pay attention to that.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't emotionally astute, with good communication skills. Worse still someone who isn't in to it, the relationship, isn't into you. So no. Do you really need to ask? You know the answer already.

I doubt it.

I'd be very worried about a man of 60 who'd never had a serious long term relationship.

There is a reason for that.

OR he's lying and he has had relationships- maybe lots- and marriages - and you don't know about them.

How did you meet? Was he actively 'dating' or did you meet through a hobby (ramblers etc.)

@Saffronpotatoes67
As an aside, Re Prue Leith, I don't think she is a particularly good example. Her first husband died, she had a number of affairs yet again with married men, then married her second husband. Her first husband, when she was 21, he was 40, 18 years age difference. He was married to her mums best friend. She had an affair with him for 13 years, then married him. Abuse of power on his part at the start? Did her mums best friend not think it odd because she was there for Christmas and most big events. All her attitudes to relationships don't sit comfortably with me.

How old are you?

I you are of a similar age I would say that a woman should really have learned by that age not to waste her precious time on waiting for or trying to fix men with issues like this.

He is not going to change and you are wasting time and energy on him.