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Original poster

Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

244 replies

Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:34

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

OP posts:
Xrays · 23/02/2023 07:38

This is really sad, and I feel for you. I think there’s an old saying “a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son till he takes a wife” and it seems to ring true so many times. 😞 (I worry about this with my own son as he gets older). I don’t really have any words of advice but you sound very lovely and grounded and I think all you can do is give them space and make them as welcome as you can and hopefully you’ll grow your own special relationship with them.

ShillyShallySherbet · 23/02/2023 07:40

I can understand why you feel the way you do but all you can do is work hard to have your own life and give them space. Take an interest in their lives and be there for them when they need you. Don’t compare yourself to her parents or compare how involved they are with how involved you are. Invite them over every now and again or suggest going out and be someone they want to spend time with. Do you get on with her parents or could you develop a relationship with them so you’re involved in that side of their life too?

MarieRoseMarie · 23/02/2023 07:43

How did you respond to your MIL? The problem is that is you held her at arm’s length and prioritised the nuclear family - isn’t that what y it taught your son?

TootHole · 23/02/2023 07:44

Was your MIL really a 'nightmare', or was she feeling exactly how you are now?

Original poster
Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:45

I don't dislike her parents, they've been very kind to DS, especialy when he lost his dad (there's a whole other thread about how quickly FIL imposed himself as a replacement father). I actually know mum a bit from before they met, but they're larger than life "I mad me" types and we couldn't be more different!

Probably I do need to make more effort with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:46

TootHole · 23/02/2023 07:44

Was your MIL really a 'nightmare', or was she feeling exactly how you are now?

Yes exactly. That's becoming very clear now, but I didn't see it at the time and I don't think any of the MIL threads here see it either.

OP posts:
YolayCaprese · 23/02/2023 07:46

Hello, I'm sorry it's such a difficult situation.
I'm not a MIL yet but from observing my mum and my brother in this situation it's such a tricky line to tread. My mother didn't want to interfere and be demanding but was so "hands off" it was interpreted as disinterest ☹️
You don't say how far you live from each oter but it's worth inviting them out a bit more, messaging a bit more? Good luck, it must be very hard.

Bigpinktrain · 23/02/2023 07:47

I think you need to try form a relationship with the gf.
My MIL is wonderful but my husband doesn’t think to call her or send her pictures of the kids. I do all the communication. There is no backstory or hurt, he just would only call her if he had a direct question.
It’s the same for my brother and his partner. My mom speaks to her directly otherwise they would go weeks without speaking 🤷🏻‍♀️

gogohmm · 23/02/2023 07:48

For me it's the opposite way around, DD's dp's mum is always in their lives doing things, calling, his df posting on Facebook whereas dd forbids me from mentioning her on Facebook even. I do see dd but she is very much embedded in their family

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 23/02/2023 07:48

They see her family all the time because she wants to and she arranges it.

Your son does not arrange time to see you, so why should she have to be the one to do it?

As a consequence of course they spend all their time with her family. You only have yourself to blame for bringing him up like that.

StarsSand · 23/02/2023 07:48

You're not an awful MIL because you have a lot of self awareness and are conscious of other people's feelings and needs.

MissyB1 · 23/02/2023 07:49

So I had this situation when my eldest ds got married. I thought I was doing the right thing staying in the background as they chose a house to buy,and set up life together. I sort of vaguely knew that her parents seemed to be quite involved with the new house (I thought it was just a bit of decorating). But I had no idea (until the marriage fell apart) that they had put some money into it and got ds to sign a pre nup! He never told me because he knew I would warn him off, and his wife desperately wanted that particular house (which they couldn’t afford without her parents)!
Yes she controlled when he could see his family, where they spent Christmas and every other significant day.
It’s all over now (boy her parents got nasty in the divorce!) I’m glad I conducted myself with dignity and allowed ds to learn a life lesson.
It’s hard being a Mil!

Original poster
Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:49

MarieRoseMarie · 23/02/2023 07:43

How did you respond to your MIL? The problem is that is you held her at arm’s length and prioritised the nuclear family - isn’t that what y it taught your son?

It's not prioritising the nuclear family that's difficult. That's completely as it should be and why I've stepped back and left them to it.

It's the way her parents have been so much more involved that's difficult to take.

OP posts:
Reluctantadult · 23/02/2023 07:50

Can you not have this conversation with your son? Explain to him your finding it a hard line to tread?

Original poster
Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:51

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 23/02/2023 07:48

They see her family all the time because she wants to and she arranges it.

Your son does not arrange time to see you, so why should she have to be the one to do it?

As a consequence of course they spend all their time with her family. You only have yourself to blame for bringing him up like that.

Ah OK. I brought him up to be independent and cut the apron strings. I got that all wrong. 😆

OP posts:
FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 23/02/2023 07:52

Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:51

Ah OK. I brought him up to be independent and cut the apron strings. I got that all wrong. 😆

Show quote history

No. You brought him up to not bother keeping in contact with you and considering your feelings.

WordtoYoMumma · 23/02/2023 07:52

The thing that frustrates me with my MIL is that she never reaches out to DH, ever. DH is rubbish at communication (not just with his family, with his friends as well) and just kinda sees the immediate - he is a brilliant dad and husband because we are right in front of him 😂

But MIL never makes an effort. She never invites us over, never offers to have the kids, never calls DH. The only time we see her is if DH initiates it, which he doesn't do except at Christmas really!

I know it feels hard to find that balance of not being interfering, but being involved - but I think that's what it comes down to. I remember when BIL moved out of home, I asked MIL what his new place was like and she said "I don't know, I've not been invited" - this was after 2 months. I couldn't understand why she hadn't called him and asked to go and see the house.

I am hoping to raise my boys to be more communicative than DH but I hope that when the time comes and they leave home, if they don't call me I'll call them. But I do understand it gets more complicated when there is a partner involved (I currently get on really well with DS's girlfriend but he is only 19 so it's different!)

As a DIL who feels very disliked by her in-laws, I'd say make yourself available, and interested, invite them over, ask to see the new place etc. Offer to take them out for dinner or to yours for take away. You are trying too hard not to be the overbearing MIL but don't end up the uninterested one instead.

romdowa · 23/02/2023 07:53

In your effort to hold back , you look disinterested. My mil is the same , very disengaged in our lives. Yet gets upset that she doesn't know her gs 🙄 her son is also equally disengaged with her too. I'm sure I get the blame for that but it's not my job to remind dh to ring his mother. All I can do is facilitate my parents and their involvement in our lives.

Choppies · 23/02/2023 07:54

unless your son is a vulnerable adult it’s likely just the case that she’s more organised at seeing her family than that he’s fighting to see you every weekend and she is forbidding it. Maybe focus on your sons role rather than your DILs?

SheilaFentiman · 23/02/2023 07:55

I invited my parents to look at our house before we bought it and my dad used to do a bit of gardening.

DH invited his mum over to help with DS1 as a baby.

Different people, different strengths and interests. But we each held the relationship with our own blood.

Have you asked to go over/invited them to you and been rebuffed?

Original poster
Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:56

Choppies · 23/02/2023 07:54

unless your son is a vulnerable adult it’s likely just the case that she’s more organised at seeing her family than that he’s fighting to see you every weekend and she is forbidding it. Maybe focus on your sons role rather than your DILs?

I don't think I've blamed DIL at all. I have said it all down to DD?

He is just like his dad....

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:56

Doh! All down to DS

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 23/02/2023 07:58

Your happiness lies in enjoying his happiness. Focus on that.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 23/02/2023 07:59

Ah OP this makes me feel sad. It's down to your son unfortunately. I've known my husband since I was was 12 and as a teen he hardly used to speak to his parents. I used to sit and chat to them when he was upstairs. When he moved out at 23 to be with me, it changed, I speak to my parents everyday and I'm very close to them and he speaks to his every day/most days. 10 years later our daughter was born and they are equally as close to their grandparents on both sides.
Do you invite them round for tea? Suggest meals or drinks out?

freespirit333 · 23/02/2023 07:59

I think being worried about stepping on toes can definitely have the opposite effect and make you seem disinterested as pp has said.

I have two young sons so very worried about this!

But just to give you an alternative, MIL has never worried about intruding once our DC came along. She was far too intruding when DS1 was a newborn and came around all the time, which if she was offering help would have been fine but excluding a couple of token supplies, she was there for the cuddles and made me feel I couldn’t BF when she was there. I resented her a lot.

HOWEVER. She has always been so forthcoming with offers to babysit, childcare, take DS’ out for the day. During Covid she would come by after work (keyworker) just to wave at them through the window. It’s clear that she just adores being a grandmother and having DGC.

She’s far from perfect but DH and I both really appreciate her contribution to the DC lives and also ours. She never makes it feel like trouble. DH isn’t the best at communication I’m sure but he’ll drop her a text, send cute photos of the DC, that sort of thing. He makes an effort.

I’m close to my own DP in a middle class, stand off ish way, but over time I would say we see MIL more. Or at least she babysits more 😂her preference though, she’s always asking and would be mortified if we used a paid for babysitter instead.

The involvement is an art, I think. I definitely have felt over time that my DP don’t care because of how stand off ish they can be.