Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

[Butterflyhelp]

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

My MIL would probably write a similar post.

It's a hard line to tread. My inlaws have no idea how much its me pushing DH to be in touch. They regularly look after our LO and I do all drop offs and pick ups. They tried to be super close, I don't really want or need that with them. I'd have them closer than they are, but they rarely invite us over. We invite them to stuff and get turned down, so eventually you stop asking. Whereas my parents mostly say yes to stuff, and they invite us to things. The relationship feels reciprocal. We are better over WhatsApp at sending pictures and stuff.

This is your fault for raising a son who clearly perceives that emotional labour is women's work.

The solution is not to fixate on the gf and her family but to address your son's laziness directly with him. Explain that he is an adult now and you have a reciprocal relationship, it isn't all take take take anymore.

Sorry OP but you do come across as quite negative about your DIL's family Characterising them as "I"m mad me" sounds pretty snide. Just because they're more extroverted than you might be and clearly enjoy socialising doesn't make them bad people. Your son is now involved with a family who clearly have a dynamic where they're quite involved with one another. You feeling sad about it is strange as they're just different people from you. The ball's in your court to be more involved with your ds if you'd like to be. As so many people have said, why not invite them out or have your DIL's family over for a meal?

Why are you framing this as a MIL/DIL thing rather than a mother/son thing?

You sound very self aware and lovely.

I’ve seen it myself with my Mum feeling left out by my brothers while their wives keep their families close to the maternal side. I’ve also felt the difficulties of a pushy, demanding MIL.

Keep doing what you are doing! Don’t become demanding. It’s a hard line to tread but it’s worth not becoming that nightmare.

this Is a good thread to have started because so many of us struggle with demanding, maybe manipulative MILs. it’s good to hear what it feels like from a MIL point of view.

My own one has improved and relaxed as the children grew up! But she was hard work when the children were young and I didn’t enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of men grow up in families where the women do all the work involved in nurturing and maintaining relationships, and so it doesn't occur to them that they need to put time and effort into this themselves. That isn't the fault of their wives and girlfriends, though, and they should not have to pick up the slack.

If you’re very passive, say nothing, don’t instigate or get involved things and your son is the same then how is your DIL meant to even know you’d like it to be different?

Even if it was her job to include you, which it isn’t it’s your sons, how is she supposed to know you’d like to be involved more if no one tells her?

How is your son supposed to know if you don’t tell him?

Ah OP, I feel for you. I can imagine it's really hard.

As others have said, you need to gently insert yourself into their lives. Get to know the GF and her family properly, even if they're not maybe the kind of people you would have chosen to be around.

You need to make sure that you're a positive, enjoyable person to be around. There's nothing worse than going to see that relative who's only ever going to snipe or be passive aggressive.

Like someone else said, even if it's just a meme, or a group WhatsApp message, keep the channels of communication flowing without piling on the pressure.

Don't forget, your DS only ever has one mum. So no matter how much time he's spending with other people and enjoying it, no one will take your place. Not ever. Love multiplies when it's shared - him enjoying his inlaws' company won't mean that his love for you shrinks.

My daughter's ex fil was an absolute nightmare. He never saw our granddaughter for months on end, this didn't bother him at all but he was always claiming to be upset and angry at how much we saw of her.
I'm not sure why he didn't just put in the effort to see his son, my daughter and his granddaughter instead of feeling aggrieved when we did. His relationship with his son and granddaughter has completely broken down since my daughter split up with his son. He used to blame her for everything but she was only one who tried to keep some type of relationship going.

Why don't you invite them all over , including the in laws for lunch ? Make them part of your family , so hopefully that will reciprocated.

Tell them how lovely it is now your on your own to have gained a lovely new family

Befriend the GFs mum if she is your type , ask her if she would like to go to the cinema one night etc.

I don't think you can win either way to be honest.
I have two sons and we have a really good relationship, l observe my eldests relationship from a distance and only really offer advice if and when he asks. I am a lone parent and have created an interesting way of life for myself and that's what l intend to carry on doing, focus on that and not force anything.
I' m not close to my own Mum but l am aware that's not usually the case 're Mothers and Daughters. l am confident l will still maintain a close relationship with my son's but l am also looking forward to further developing my own.

This is interesting. I'm a mum of two boys, they're very little right now but it's something I think about in the future. I had a great relationship with my mil before my son was born and it just all went wrong. She's the ONLY family member who has to make passive aggressive comments about our parenting, ignore our requests and has done some things which to me are careless, boarding dangerous. Because of this, I've backed off a bit and never leave her with the boys alone. That being said, I still invite her over, send her pictures and attempt to get on with it as she's not a bad person and clearly loves them. It really is difficult sometimes.

My parents have died now, but we had a more involved relationship with my parents because they expected it. They would call often, ask when we were coming over, pop in informally just to see if they could help. My mum would frequently arrive with stuff for dinner.

They carried on doing the stuff they did when i was single and were very present in my life. Although my nuclear family was small my wider family was huge and we were always meeting up or on the phone to each other growing up. My dad would call my mums relatives too and my mum basically nursed my dads mum when she was dying (whilst working full time as a nurse herself).

My inlaws on the other hand expected my dh to be fully independent once he left home and cultivated a didferent type of relationship. Much more formal abd arranged. We don't see much of them and my dh finds their attitude hurtful and disinterested. They will help if we ask and arrange to see us when it suits them but we are clearly not a priority in their lives. They have a similar relationship with their dd and don't seem to see much of their wider family either. In the 15 years we have been together I can count on 1 hand the number of family parties / events we have been invited to on my dh's side.

I have sons. And a dd. I hope that we are bringing them up to experience the close family I had so that they actually want to spend time with us when they are older. Its my sons responsibility to keep in contact with me though not my future dil.

I think you should feel happy to be the same as a PIL as you are a parent. You've brought your son up to be independent and self reliant. Your Dil's parents are more involved with her life and decisions. Both ways are fine. I can see why it would be galling to feel that her parents are involved with your son's life and decisions but had you known with a crystal ball that would happen would it have changed your parenting style? I doubt it. It doesn't mean you love your son less than they love their daughter.

The trouble is that when you are trying to get people to be independent it's OK when they live with you because you have lots of incidental contact without arranging social things. There may be simple ways to recreate this. Just a WhatsApp group with the three of you on it might do it if you don't have that already. Offering to give them a regular lift somewhere if that's necessary/appropriate. Find small avenues of contact that fit with your parenting style rather than theirs.

My nephews wife models being a daughter/daughter in law very well. She’s extremely close to her mum who is a completely different person to my sister, and she gets them involved in different ways, and ways that suit each of their characters. My sister is very giving but not pushy. I think she has a great relationship with her daughter in law at the expense of no one, including the daughter in law herself

My mum did the whole i'll let you all be independent, don't want to interfere, don't want to plan days out, parties, won't call if you don't and all the other lazy excuses for not bothering, masked as good parenting.

Unsurprisingly all her kids are much closer to their in laws, and she does the woe is me, it's unfair, my kids don't care about me.

What's unfair is to have parents who don't really bother with you and who don't create the sibling cohesion necessary to have adult children be a big part of their lives.

"They see her family all the time because she wants to and she arranges it.

Your son does not arrange time to see you, so why should she have to be the one to do it?

As a consequence of course they spend all their time with her family. You only have yourself to blame for bringing him up like that."

I think this is very unfair. Parents do their best and you can raise all your kids the same and still have one who cba to make any kind of effort and one who does!

I have sons. Two of them call all the time, one only when he needs something. It's sad and hurts but that is just who he is. I tried my best, but honestly some kids can only see things from their own perspective and don't think that their parents are people who have feelings too!

OP, I think your son might find it hard to see you because it reminds him that his dad isn't there - the family feels different and he's trying to hide from the reality of that a bit.

All you can do is call him for a chat, send him messages or invite him over. Be friendly to dil when you do see her. I think your son is just doing what's easiest.

Yes, very difficult. Life's priorities change. ARe the ILs retired? It's a shame because if they get their feet under the table now when will you get a chance to fit into their lives.
Not sure what to advise except meeting up with DS eg for lunch occasionally, And if this is successful invite DiL too. Young people are soo busy with careers, sport hobbies and now sorting the house. There won't be much time for you but once DGcs arrive in the future then you will be of use, possibly not initially when the DM of teh new mum gets priority but once child is toddling. I think any new parents are glad of a break and the more the better.

Bit old fashioned but could you maybe call him at the same time every week? At first have a list of questions. If not used to this level of contact it may take several weeks for the conversation to properly flow, and soon it will become a habit for you both and he will also start to bring more to the conversation.

My Dad texts me every other week asking if I'm free with the kids so it's become routine to see him. My mum doesn't reach out (but definitely complains to my siblings) and as such I see her more infrequently. Contact with DH parents are his responsibility and they take a similar stance as you. I nudge him periodically but I know it upsets him that his parents don't seem interested by not making the first move, logical or not.

It is a two way street and of course I could make more of an effort with them all, but with us juggling many more plates than them I'm glad my dad takes the lead. Just a thought.

If you lead a busy life and aren’t any to pop round on a regular basis then I would suggest prioritising quality time over quantity time.
if you have the income and inclination you could treat them to a day out, if you both have an interest in I don’t know going to Kew gardens, or seeing an exhibition, a sporting event invite them to join and say you would like to treat them to a meal too. Maybe a weekend away, if you were thinking of going to the coast or lakes wherever you could say I was thinking of renting a cottage would you like to join me.

i think it’s nice if you can do things together because you all want to rather than a feeling of responsibility. I have spent a lot of time doing things I don’t really want to do in order to please my in laws. try and find some common ground.

Would you feel ok with the level of contact if it wasn’t for her parents having more?

We've had the same with my brother. I think it's quite common with girlies I think. I was so upset to start with as we had always been such a close family, my parents were too. But over the years we are all involved again and there is more balance between us all. Just keep inviting them both over for dinner or out together, they'll probably cancel for years haha but if you keep the link open in they'll know your there. The more upset you get and if they notice the more they pull away unfortunately:(

So you do think that as women with busy lives we should also take on the husbands family and make sure that him and the kids have a relationship with them too? You don't think a man is capable of keeping up with his own family whilst you do yours? Taking on each others families only ever means the wife works doubly hard, not the husband.

Bluntly yes. You have a DS problem which you are presenting as a DiL problem, describing her as controlling because your son doesn't pick up the phone as often as you want.

I think women do it partly because they want the relationship with their DCs.