Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

[Butterflyhelp]

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

My DH has two sons both with serious partners who they live with
but at least 1-2 times a month he will meet them for breakfast at weatherspoons 😂
it’s something he did when they stopped coming every other weekend as teens and they have stuck with it They often ring and will say are we meeting for breakfast . 😂

DH always pays for breakfast and it’s a way of getting to see them without being to intrusive, a nice way to catch up and have a laugh without it being formal. And there is a natural end time so no overstaying
It’s generally only for an hour or so
sometimes it’s just his boys sometimes the partners come & sometime I will go

we all live within around 30 mins of each other so that makes it easy .

My son has just moved into his own flat - his partner is living with him
I see them most weeks as I live close - 10 min drive
and I’ve often picked up my sons partner when he’s finished work as he works near my house and I speak to my son on the phone most days .

we have a key to his flat but that’s only because he wanted us to have a key as we take in big parcels for them at our house and drop them off . But I wouldn’t visit unannounced .

i don’t think my sons partners parents feel left out - I’ve not met them but they have been to the flat when they were moving in and were very appreciative of the help I have given them - gifted deposit and bought all the furniture . So I’ve been involved in that and because my sons at work we have been at the flat a lot waiting for furniture delivery’s

one of DH sons partner is pregnant and rather than buy them stuff we have said once the baby is born we will give them 1k to spend on what they want .

But on the other hand my husband rarely see his mother and has been no contact with his dad for over 25 years - I’ve never met his dad and his mum only a handful of times but she is nice but my DH doesn’t particularly like her much .

Whereas I would generally see my mum & dada few times a week as they lived close and we got on

Nawww. You can't have both sets of parents equally involved in planning the new home, buying furniture, decorating and sorting the garden, maybe lending money. Thereby lies WW3.

Good post.

Im afraid I agree with this, OP. This approach is quite common among MILs, I think (my own mum does it with my brother and his wife.) it’s easier to deflect negative feelings from a son onto the DIL/ GF, because it’s uncomfortable to accept that a son isn’t making the effort you expect him to. It does sound like you’re doing that in your post, where you talk about her ‘control’ and not being ‘allowed’ to see him.

It’s unhelpful that you had a hostile dynamic with your MIL but that’s history now and can’t be changed. Aside from that, I must be really thick because I don’t see why you don’t just reach out more yourself if you want more contact. Suggest some pleasant things to do together. Not everything has to be dripping in agenda. People just tend to spend time with the people they’re in the habit of spending time with so perhaps just help ease them into the habit of spending a bit more time with you.

eh? That post was about speaking on the phone, not about getting involved in buying stuff and giving money

You mean I was supposed to bring up my ds to be constantly linked to me and not able to live his life independently?

I wish someone had told me I wasn’t supposed to teach him to be able to stand on his two feet and be dependent in me to make decisions such as buying a house etc….

Posters are not going on the attack. This is a classic bit of OP saying AIBU?, most responders saying YANBU, OP responds with "no I'm not, you are all attacking me".

Read back through your own posts. You say you "don't dislike" the GF's parents but then give a list of their crimes. You say you like the GF but then say she is controlling.

If your son doesn't keep in touch/contact as much as you like then its disappointing but you need to take that up with him, not just blame other people for not organising your relationship with DS.

I find it so odd to describe yourself as “a MIL” when what you’re talking about is your mother-son relationship. It’s a bit like introducing yourself as “X’s GF’s MIL” instead of “X’s mother”

By the time our kids leave home, our relationship with them is already determined.

Try and relax into what you already have with your son. If it isn't currently about having dinners together or day trips, then it won't start to be that way just because his new partner's is.

Try and enjoy the relationship you have. Stop worrying about him ringing you. Ring him and enjoy hearing his news, tell him you love him and don't focus on him ringing back.

When I met dh he moved 200 miles to live five minutes from my parents who were controlling and awful. We had kids and my parents dominated our lives.

Two years ago I went no contact and we have moved our family up to live five minutes from my in laws.

Things change. Don't push the relationship, just be there.

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks is totally right. We see a lot of my family because I arrange it. We hardly ever see DP’s family despite them living quite close because he doesn’t arrange it. As such, I have no real relationship with them.

I've got a lovely MIL. When we visit (we live quite far away) she makes a point in taking my out for coffee on my own. She always sends a lovely card for my birthday and a thoughtful gift. She is supportive but doesn't give unsolicited advice. I value her opinion and care a great deal for her. She isn't a mad fun person either and doesn't do hugs but we have a long and good relationship. Ever since her son left home at 18 they have a Sunday evening phone call. Sometimes long, sometimes short. Sometimes it gets postponed due to holidays or events but it is a standing habit. Maybe something like that would work for you?

I have all sons.
2 are grown up and 1 has kids.
I like you stepped back and let them be adults.
I think it's hard to get it right.
Too interested and you're interfering.
Step back and you're not interested.

I think you just have to find your spot.
And ask your dad to be more involved in inviting you to things.

I really feel for you. My son has recently had a baby and since that time his gf's parents visit frequently, are involved in every aspect of their lives and dominate everything. They live much closer than we do. It is easy for them to visit every couple of weeks, and they're on the phone constantly. His gf seems unable to make a decision without consulting them, and is very emotionally dependent on them. Whilst I am pleased they are so involved, I feel we are very much second rate in her view. She is kind and welcomes us when we visit, but its always obvious which set of grandparents are the 'most important' . What I find sad is that my son seems more and more sidelined. She dominates every decision and controls everything. Since the baby was born all her attention and time, and focus is on the baby and he is just shouted at or ignored. It really hurts to watch it.

The other set of parents have never had a Xmas without their daughter, this will be the first year she will be spending Xmas with us. I can forsee a situation where her family actually book into a hotel and want to spend Xmas with our family because they can't bear to be without her, and vice versa. It is really so odd.

It is a really painful situation. I think the only thing you can do is try to stay neutral, try to be welcoming at all times and extend love and support where you can.

@Butterflyhelp I feel for you. I think I'm probably the involved mother in my DD and her DP's lives. I'm very conscious that they spend more time with us than they do with her DP's parents. I have three sons and I would hate that to happen with them, therefore I have made a conscious effort to get to know her DP's parents. They have been invited to our house at the same time as DD and her DP to have dinner, etc. I meet her DP's mother for coffee. They are not necessarily people I would normally be friends with, but I think the key is to build up relationships. Also, my eldest is very poor at communicating with me and so I asked if we could have a lunch catch up once a month, my treat. I told him it wouldn't necessarily be his idea of fun, but it would make me very happy. I travel to him, and it has become a lovely routine for us.

I'm sure many people will say you shouldn't have to be the only one making an effort, but it's worked for me and I'm happy to put in the work to get the resulting happiness.

Fwiw I don’t think it’s an issue with ‘you dint have a close relationship with your own ds whereas your DIL is close to her own parents’.

I believe it’s more complicated than that.
Just look at the first answer in this thread. Men/sons are not expecting to have to do the leg work to keep contact. They expect their partner to take the lead and you end up with more time spend with her family.
Some parents are very good at not letting go of the apron strings. It might be that the OP’s ds and DIL are not that happy with how much her parents are interfering. Or accept it because that’s how it is. Or because they would feel bad not seeing them as much etc….
She might struggle to let go herself - some families are more enmeshed than others.
I doubt this is because the OP had a bad relationship with her own MIL. My mum certainly didn’t. Actually what I’ve learnt is that it’s important to keep boundaries and You don’t have to accept every thing just because they are family.

Basically it can be a lot if things some (most) of which have nothing to do with you and it’s not helpful to take it personally.

What can be done is for you to lead the contact. Invite them for a meal. Maybe propose an outing you know they would enjoy. Keep in touch with your ds. Offer some help. Be interested.
My parents and PIL are very different. We have different relationships. They support us in different ways. It doesn’t mean we are closer/have a better relationship with one set of parents regardless of how often we see each of them.

I’ll share my experience on this as a son.

Firstly, I love my parents to bits and get on well with them. When we see them we have a nice time, kids love them too.

it doesn’t happen all that often though, usually we see them every couple of months I guess, and sometimes 2,3 maybe 4 weeks go past without me speaking to them. I do however always make sure I don’t miss dates like birthdays or Mother’s Day.

A lot of that is down to life being busy, my focus is on my wife and kids and weekends just fly past. Also though, I am the only one who ever initiates calls with them - I never receive a call from my parents to say hi or have a chat. Even if I call and miss them, they won’t phone back. I get a text telling me they were out, which will end with a suggestion that we can speak another time.

At most my mum initiates a text, but mainly that is me initiating too. Sometimes I send a chatty text thinking it will lead to a conversation but the response feels like it isn’t inviting that.

I’m not sure why this is, perhaps they feel that they are keeping a respectful distance or something. From my point of view it feels odd having to be the one who always makes the effort to call.

it is what it is. I love them dearly and hope they don’t think I’m not making the effort to maintain a relationship.

You do realise that being independent doesn’t mean hardly ever speaking to or inviting your family round, right?

You are also aware that asking for advice from parents is not “being dependent on them to make decisions” but a perfectly normal part of a healthy parent-child relationship, yes?

This the Relationship board, not AIBU though…. I’d expect people to be supportive. Not having a go at the OP saying it’s all her fault for not getting in with her own MIL, all Wo knowing why their relationship was strained.

Of course!

But no I wouldn’t expect my own child to involve me in all the steps if buying a house, down to the furniture and doing the viewings.

That doesn’t mean they are nit welcome to ask for advice, that I dint want them to be in touch etc…
But what the OP is describing is, for me, over involvement from the PIL.

Do people really have their parents doing viewings with them when they buy a house??

Often it's just the way that a couple gravitates to spending more time with one set of parents than the other. It's not a competition. Be in charge of your own happiness and find an interest apart from your sons - paint, cycle, ramble, get a pet bird. Share your hobby with them. Keep being the stable home base that you have created and invite DS and DGF over once per week for a nice meal. Learn her favourite dessert. Compliment their home and (phone first) pop in sometimes. All you can be is your loving self; you are hardly going to turn into a larger than life you. Ask their advice every now and again about how to proceed with your relationship with DGF parents.

When they have a close relationship with them, yes, they do.

When we bought our house we took both sets of parents for viewings because we valued their opinions. They’ve bought houses before, we haven’t. So they knew what to look for and what to ask etc.

Both sets of parents also helped decorating, because that’s what close families do. They work together and help each other out.

If your son rarely contacts you, invites you round or asks for advice something has gone very wrong there.

Hmmmm

Mother of adult sons here with DILs, good relationship with them. Always hated the “a sons a son thing” as aware there is some truth in it. We were always closer to my family than DHs, ?partly because the PILs didn’t seem to engage much, probably out of politeness, so didn’t want to make the same mistake.
Advice to mothers of sons based on my experience - if you want to be involved in their lives you usually have to make the most effort. The DS’s first priority is his DW. Her first priority is usually her family.
You need to make contact with them regularly- a text, a call, an invite over for a meal, to make sure you’re not forgotten while at the same time not overstepping the mark. A difficult balance, but I’d rather send a text and have DS think “Suppose I’d better let her know I’m still alive!” than him think “She doesn’t care now I’m married”.
Love my DILs, both different personalities and I know I am not their mother or in competition with their mother (not a competition you could win, so don’t go there). Develop a relationship with them as a friend / even like a work colleague (if you’re not so keen on them!) as you are now on the same “team”.
I see my DSs regularly - they contact us as well as vice versa by now.
And as others have said, also have you own life!

I think that you should do what is necessary to maintain good family relationships/a visiting schedule on your DHs side, yes. Not because you are a woman, but because you are part of that family too.

Just as if my parents were geographically closer, I would expect my husband to think of them and arrange stuff with them too. Although, because I am PT and more bothered about wider family closeness than him, I would likely take the lead on it.

Why would you not want people who love your children involved in their lives?