Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

[Butterflyhelp]

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

I do think that when you marry into a family you "take on" your husband or wife's family as your own. That's how I was brought up anyway.

As a DIL, I arrange most of the visits to the in laws and keep them involved. It's what I saw my mum do and it seems to work well...everyone is happy.

My own parents (and my mums parents) always lived far away from us, so my DH and dad didn't have to arrange visits etc. But if my mum (or myself) said that we were going for a visit, my DH and my dad would be there with a smile on their face.

@Butterflyhelp the post is titled ‘being an awful MIL’ which puts the focus on the DIL relationship. Maybe try framing it for yourself ‘how can I try and see more of my son and his family’ and see if you can tackle it that way?

you say he won’t visit unless you remind him…. So remind him!

Ask for things you’d like OP, but in a way that won’t be competing with your son’s parents-in-law.
So maybe don’t heap on pressure about splitting Christmases equally. But do say ´I’d love you both to have a nice dinner with me to celebrate my birthday. Could you find an evening/weekend around then to come for a visit?

You’ve posted quite a lot of times about your DS, his girlfriend and her parents and their level of influence/involvement in DS‘s life. You come across as quite snide about them and like you’re putting a lot of blame on the girlfriend and her family for things you find difficult about your life. You’ve been through a really horrendous time but this intensity and your feelings about her and her parents will be coming across to your DS and to her which is really not going to help.

A lot of men are REALLY shit at contacting their family unless the have a specific reason. Do you phone him?

I don't dislike her parents

You do, your post is absolutely dripping in it.

Also my dad was/is closer to his parents than his sister and does a lot for them, seeing them most days.
I don't think you have to give them more space, they may feel your not interested. I would try and take and interest and suggest things to do together.

My mil loves 10 mins away she doesn't bother with us or her grandkids, it used to be me reaching out about a seeing her, so she could have a relationship with her son and grandkids. However, i have come to the realisation, why am I doing this when she doesn't bother. I now don't, she doesn't see her son or the grandkids which is her choice, she is able to see them whenever she want chooses not to. My point is why is it your ds and dil responsibility to have you in their lives. Why don't you invite them to yours, ask to go over for a drink etc.

Have I?

TBH I don't think I am finding life that difficult. I've adapted to being a widow quite well and have a very busy life. I haven't demanded much of them, but I think DS is very well aware that I'm there when they need me and that I'd like to be involved.

It is interesting though, that even when a MIL tries to explain, people go on the attack.

I’ve got to go to work now but I’m following @Butterflyhelp because I’m in a similar situation
just DS and me in our family
man’s GF (lovely) is from a very active and involved family with 3 sibs. I’m very much standing back and not getting too involved at present

Ultimately, OP, this isn't really about being a MIL. It isn't about your relationship with your DIL. It's about your relationship with your son.

It seems that your DIL has a much closer relationship with her own parents than you currently have with your ds. I can understand why it hurts to become aware of that, because the strengths in their parent-child relationship highlight the weaknesses in your own, but the quality of her relationship with her parents isn't what's causing the disconnect with your ds. If he made the same effort to involve you that she makes with her own parents, then it wouldn't be an issue.

I think you need to stop worrying about what kind of MIL you are and think about how to build a better relationship with your ds. Why do you think he won't bother to contact you/visit you if you don't "remind" him? Why doesn't he feel that it would be helpful to have your advice on stuff? It really isn't just because his girlfriend is close to her parents... there are plenty of couples where both partners stay close to their parents, so it isn't a case of one pushing out the other.

It’s an incredibly difficult relationship and I can see both sides to it. Of course your daughter in law is more comfortable with her own family. My own relationship with my MIL improved massively when she showed me she was on side. Do you make enough effort with your DIL? Because if she feels totally comfortable with you (like a confidant), she’s likely to contact you more. My MIL and I have had many fall outs over the years and we are currently keeping our distance from one another (again), but that is due to her turning around to others and saying my marriage is going to fail, while crying in joy to my face and saying it’s the happiest moment of her life. Having said that, I always welcomed open and honest discussions about where my MIL could “slot” into our lives. She explained how she didn’t want to be pushy but that she was always there if we needed her. I much appreciated that and eventually grew to trust her. Good luck.

Yes, you have as you know, and my post wasn’t an attack as you also know. It’s telling that you claim to have read it as such though. If you know it’s all down to DS why are you framing the thread around your role as MIL rather than as mother?

You say her parents are very lively 'I'm mad me' people. Very social families like this do seem to prioritise family gatherings and meals out together etc. It would have been going on long before your son was on the scene and now he's welcomed into join them
Have you invited them to join you for dinner?
Maybe you could?

“I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him”

I agree with @MrsBennetsPoorNerves - I hope I am not attacking you, OP, but all “DIL” is doing is having the relationship she wants with her parents. Maybe they are more extrovert than you, maybe they offered and she accepted re the house advice, maybe it didn’t occur to your DS to ask you (maybe he would rather they didn’t!). But feel free to be the one inviting him/them to visit. To be the one phoning.

what did you mean by “allowed”?

So, gently.... I think you need to read this bit of your post back. Because he is adult man making his own choices! You are making him sound very passive and just doing as he's told, which I understand is probably easier for you to accept than the truth which is that the GF is probably just the type of person whose more organised and makes these plans with her family, and he wants to go along but just doesn't think to do it himself. It's a classic 'NIGHTMARE MIL' trait to frame things like a gf is controlling etc and he has no agency or decision making abilities. When the reality is that women are socialised to make these kind of plans more, and as evidenced by comments on this thread its incredibly common for male partners not to bother (and also the families of the male partners blaming the GF because subconsciously they have bought into the idea that the woman is responsible for 'family' things, like birthday cards, updates on the grandkids etc... but that's another rant)
I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen,

Slowly increase your communication with them.
More WhatsApp messages to both and maybe group chat, even about random stuff, pictures etc, update them on your life, ask them questions about theirs.
Increase invites, treat them (if you have the money) to meals, bits for their flat, stuff you know they like etc. Offer more help.
You need to more demanding and involved without giving them the hump!

Assuming you can travel at this busy stage of their lives, it feels like you might do better visiting them. Can you offer to take them both shopping to buy something for the new home (or garden if they have one)? And/or take them out for a meal? An outing somewhere? I always treat my kids when I see them, even if its just buying the coffee. It just feels like the 'mum' thing to do.

My MiL is quite socially reserved but she buys me thoughtful gifts and sometimes has offered to knit me things etc which showed me she holds me in mind as part of the family. And she has been rewarded by me nudging dh to call her a bit more often!

We are however a lot older than your ds/"dil". But tey not to worry. My relationship with my own dps waxed and waned and waxed again through our life stages.

But whatever you do, don't be needy or use guilt on your son. Instead, find out what you can do together that you all enjoy.

That sounds tough.

The main thing is to build up your own life, it never does to depend too much on other people, and the reality is he is now building his own family unit so his centre of gravity has permanently moved. Your life needs to move on in the same way.

At the same time - there’s no need to stand back, if you want to see them - invite them, or ask when you can pop round. Make yourself useful doing odd things for them if you have the time. Build yourself into the fabric of their lives, if they are willing to let you. Just don’t make them the centre of your life.

I sympathise with your problem but it's unfair to suggest he's being controlled into spending special days with her family. And that he's all about making her happy. You paint her as controlling and selfish. Is she? If not, you have some work to do as you're not being fair.

Agree with others re it being your son you need to focus on. Bravo for all the posters 'managing' and arranging contacts with their ILs. It's called wifework and imo is a bad reflection on any man who can't be bothered to keep contact with his own family, remember birthdays etc.

Yes it does seem to be more prevalent that girls/woman are better at keeping contacting/involving family but it isn't difficult and men can do it if they want to.

Perhaps you should push yourself forward a bit more OP? At least you'll see what their reaction is and how much they want to involve you.

.. I also agree with PP you need to be very careful of framing the girlfriend as controlling - is she probably just organised and a doer and your son is happy to
let her lead?

I love my MIL because she doesn’t care if I spend time with my family. She doesn’t see it as a competition which in turn makes it easier for us spend time together as I’m not walking on egg shells wondering if she’s thinking they spent 4hrs with them and now they should spend 4hrs with me. We have open communication and conversations. If you turn it into a competition and a comparison it’s awkward for everyone, DIL will be picking up on the vibes and subconsciously maybe not want to spend as much time with you.

I think you need to take DIL parents out the equation, would be upset if they spend time with a best friend or friends? It’s the same they ask friends for advice and spend time with them. If the answers no then I really think you do have competition with the parents and it’s affect your relationships

My MIL is having similar feelings, I think the way around it is for you to make friends with them (the in-laws). If you can do this things will become joint. Invite them for dinner or out for drinks.

It sounds really hard but try to remember it's more that she will be initiating all of this and your son going along with it, rather than he is actively seeking advice or dinners from his new in laws.

Do you invite them for dinner or anything ?

I realise my post above could be read as 'bribe them!' but actually I think offerring gifts is a useful way of expressing regard to someone you don't know that well, but care about.

But let them take the lead. Don't take them to Habitat if they are all about reclaimed Victorian deal etc... Learn about the life they are building together.