Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

[Butterflyhelp]

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

You need to be clearer. If you want to see them arrange it. If you want to help them offer to help. Don't compare, create the relationship you want with them.

I see my family a million times more than we see dh's but that is because l make the effort. I am not going to start contacting his family to meet up because that is his place - as l wouldn't expect him to arrange meet ups with my family.

But l am sad for you op...maybe start up a WhatsApp group with your son and his partner - keep it light but lets them know you are still on the radar x

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy.

Do you think it is possible you have had controlling tendencies with your son, and that the family dynamic was about keeping you happy but the focus has now shifted?

Don't compare, don’t compete. Don’t blame her for your son not being great at being in touch. Make sure the gifts you buy her are as thoughtful and expensive as what you buy for him. Don’t offer advice if nobody’s asked for it. Let him go. You will push him away if you try to hold him too tightly or resent her.

Awww just to say to mothers of sons. I love my MIL she has been a huge confidant, guide , helped me grow confidence in mothering and career. She annoys me at times but she's a lovely kind woman , she has helped me and DH stay together when times have been rough ! I love her dearly and always will.

If they're at the stage of moving in she's likely to be long term, so I think you need to build a relationship with your son's GF, independent of him. Become her friend and not just her fella's mum.

My ex MIL has three sons (no daughters) and that's what she did from the start - all of us girlfriends, at the time, absolutely adored her and would've always made sure the boys made effort. In fact I still adore her and speak to her now, despite having been split from him for two years!!

Is it possible you are being a bit 'A Level English' about this? Sometimes it can be pretty simple. Just get them together and say simply that you miss them, and you want to spend time with them and you would like to be involved in their lives. Maybe establish some ground rules or a routine? (my MIL comes to our house every Friday and we have dinner or a takeaway and watch TV or a movie with the kids. In our house this is sacrosanct: no playdates and no one else invited) and perhaps keep an eye on things they might NEED help with that you can turn a hand to? For me, this doesnt have to be about AIBU, but more about resetting how relationships work in new circumstances. Reading between the lines it doesnt seem to me like there has been any sort of 'Agenda': just people being people. If the relationship is successful then sooner or later they will have kids and at that point the prospect of free childcare will generally gravitate them to you!!!

She is right though in why they see her parents more. Almost every family I know is like this. From my own point of view, it’s up to DH to arrange seeing his mother, hence we rarely see her, whereas I see my mother 5 days a week. Our mothers live very close (opposite roads) so it’s not distance. It’s men. They just don’t think. I do see mine so frequently for various reasons, not just visiting.

I thought your message was so vile and unpleasant that I’ve actually had to go to effort of re-setting my password on Mumsnet just to let you know. I’ve seen some pretty mean posts on here in my time, but yours had an unusual stark coldness about. Can you imagine how it might feel for someone feeling sad and alone in this moment to read it? Have you considered how words can affect someone’s mental state? People can be fragile and you sought to kick someone when they are down with callous disregard for the impact. I really feel for the OP that she had to see it.
OP I am sure that your son loves you dearly and that over time things may well improve, even with minor little changes and the passage of time. Please don’t take any notice of this unnecessarily hurtful post. Letting go and working out a relationship with an adult child is never easy and it’s only natural to have the feelings you have at the moment. This post says so much more about the author than it does about you. I and many others wish you well. The fact that your son has remained living with you or near to you all this time is positive and tells me that you must have an okay / good relationship at present and that’s an important foundation. Good luck and let us know how things pan out.

OP I have 5 adult children. I’m expected to jump hoops for childcare, as well as navigating the ideals of the, still at home with no prospect of moving out 22 year old youngest.

MIL’s can’t win on MN. They are either too full on or not interested. It’s a bloody minefield!

Just do what’s best for you. Grandparents have a life outside free childcare. Especially when DC don’t make contact unless it suits them.

My mum did this shit, showed little interest, never really contacted me or made any arrangements but would make snide comments when she saw me doing things with my DH family. Do you even bother asking them over for dinner or show any interest?

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · Yesterday 07:48

You only have yourself to blame for bringing him up like that.

That's nasty of you.
My MIL was very close to DH and wanted him round all the time. DH joined the army and was so independent he didn’t bother with his DM much even when he was single. I think some men just don’t think and don’t feel they need their mum that much.
Not OPs fault

But surely her sons fault for not considering how she might feel?

Why does it seem like men always get a pass on this. Even the thread title puts the onus on the DIL. If the son was half as active as she was in making time for his mother OP would feel so much better.

Perhaps we should raise sons but see maintaining family relationships as a purely female thing.

You standing back, as you say is likely to be interpreted as not being interested. Do you not initiate contact? As the parent, you should be the one to initiate contact.
My MIL is rarely in contact with DH and DGC (once every few months at most). I always get him to call but it is difficult as he always replies that she doesn't contact him so why should he bother. I find it very sad that she doesn't want more of a relationship with her son and GC.

Could you not arrange some things where her family are invited as well as your son and partner to show your willingness to include all and hopefully in return they may invite you also. Also extend some invites to them for lunch out or dinner at your place. Apart from that there isn't anything else you can do as ultimately they are grown adults who will choose for themselves.

I agree the men always seem to blameless here. They are either considered mummy's boys or controlled by a woman. These men need to be accountable for themselves. They are the ones who make these choices and blaming the partner or mum is an easy thing to do when in reality they need to be held responsible also.

I think I broadly agree with this - Although I don't think it means your DS was not well brought up!

But I do think its very old fashioned to think the woman is responsible for maintaining all family connections on both sides. I've been with DH just over 10 years. I arrange meet ups, gifts, phone calls etc for my side of the family, he does his. Does that mean his side get the occasional late gift, or go longer between calls? Probably! But he's an adult, if he wants to be in contact more that's entirely up to him.

So I don't actually think it's to do with being a MIL, I think it's more about the relationship between you and your adult son, and the lack of effort he is apparently making with you. That doesn't mean you're needy or he's neglectful, it just isn't working for you how it is and you should talk to him about that - but leave the DIL out of it, it's nothing to do with her!

Not the DILs fault either! Seems the only person at "fault" (if you can call it that) is the man not taking the time to think whether his mum is OK!

So women should just automatically become responsible for the family relationships of the men in their lives but men have no responsibility to their own families?

No wonder the MiL/DiL relationship is so fraught so often when you have so many women perpetuating this particular bit of misogyny.

No I didn’t say that (as you well
know), , I said partners should make an effort with each other’s families. It’s part of making an effort in the relationship.

I think I would tell your son that you’re so happy for them both and have deliberately given them space but are hurt that they’ve involved her parents and not you.
It wouldn’t have hurt them to invite both lots of parents, especially since you’re a widow and on your own.
I actually think you’re son is quite thoughtless not to consider your feelings and invite you to things.
My parents used to invite my brothers GF’s dad round at Christmas as he was on his own and we often meet up with my younger brothers in laws round Christmas and birthdays too…
I think you need to involve yourself more… invite them round for dinner, invite yourself there every now and again with a ‘are you free one evening?, I’ll bring a takeaway’…

No I don't well know - why is it the woman's responsibility to maintain the man's family relationships? Why should the woman "make an effort" with a man's family when he can't be bothered?

Women have enough to do - I didn't marry a child, I married a fully capable adult who can mediate his own adult relationships. My role in his family, like his role in mine is to participate not organise and manage.

This utter drivel about men's failed relationships with their own families always being the fault of some evil hussey who took their precious Nigel is pure misogyny perpetuated by women on other women, rather than acknowledge that the Nigels are not always perfect either.

Awful Advice from another awful MIL

Yeah you’ve clearly got your own issues going on with this….

I'm so sorry OP but, as PPs have said, it's just men!

I've seen this time and time again - male sons just don't typically have the pull towards family life that women do. So when they marry or partner-up they tend to get more distant emotionally.

The wife/girlfriend though will usually continue a very close relationship with her parents, so that the family socialising is mainly instigated by her and the male partner just goes along with it. If a son had his way he probably wouldn't want to spend much time with either set unfortunately.

Around 50% of mums will probably go on to experience this, so you're not alone. My two are late teens and a boy and girl, so I've yet to see how this pans out with us.

yeah I dont agree with this. My kids like to see their Grandma and she likes to babysit and generally spend time with them. Not sure why all these things have to be so 'Cats in the Cradle'