Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

[Butterflyhelp]

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

You can’t diss the girlfriend for involving her family and then congratulate yourself on cutting the apron strings.

Which is it??

My mother didn't want to interfere and be demanding but was so "hands off" it was interpreted as disinterest

This, several times over.

I was a bystander watching my parents trying to have a relationship with my brother (their son) and DIL and kids. My parents wanted to spend more time with them but weren't actively encouraged to by my brother so they respected that and spent less time with them than they would have liked.

Fast forward twenty years and my SIL in particular has interpreted it as my parents not making an effort, not showing as much interest in their kids as they have mine.

The difference is that I made it crystal clear to my mum that I wanted to spend time with them, that I enjoyed their company and that them having a close relationship with my DC was important to me, so my mum wasn't teetering about trying not to impose as she was confident I wanted to spend time with them!

I'd advise some open communication with your son and DIL. Say to them, I fear that in trying not to overstep and interfere with things that I might have stepped back too much. Can I just be clear that I love to spend time with you and if you ever want advice or support on anything, you know where I am.

That’s what I was trying to say - she is positioning herself as her son’s girlfriend’s MIL instead of as her son’s mother

This thread resonates with me . When my son and DIL got their first house I actually said in the card . We don’t want to interfere in your life but we are here if you ever need us .And never once have we refused to baby sit , dog sit , have arranged free family holidays etc . But we have been accused of not helping when they need it and apparently we should know exactly when that is without being told . It’s so hurtful.

In my first marriage, my ILs were quite full-on. Turned up at our house without discussion, regularly. 'Offered' help we didn't always need but insisted we took it (at a timetable to suit them). Invited us frequently to parties and drinks - they were very sociable.

As a result, I saw less of my own parents than them. Even though I enjoyed being with my parents much more. I came to resent the intrusion of the ILs.

I'm not saying it's the case here, but it is possible that your DS is going along with the arrangement rather than choosing it.

Keep communication lines open. Offer help. Invite them around. Tell him you're a bit hurt with how things are. Things may settle a little.

In my case, the overbearing inlaws became less of an issue when we moved a few hundred miles, but in the meantime I had got better at not agreeing to everything they suggested.

Why do some parents always want to be so involved in their grown children affairs?

So what if they didn't invite you to see their house before they bought it?
Find a hobby if you're bored. He is starting a new family now and that's gonna be his priority.

I wish every MIL could be like mine. She doesn't really give a shit and enjoying her retirement. We visit when we can and she visits all her kids when she cans.

Not overly involved nor is she overwhelming or desperate for attention. That's how I strive to be in the future with my kids.

Are you gonna be surprised if the GF gets pregnant and tells her mum first?

I think you may be on the border of the horrible MIL list if you ask me. You're already saying the GF is controlling, insulting her parents etc, It's not gonna go well from here.

I have to say this thread is amazing.

Reading any other thread involving ILs, it’s all about how the couple what’s their independence and how dare parents want to be involved like this? They are controlling/over involved etc etc…

And this thread is all about the OP clearly not caring about her ds, not having build the ‘right’ relationship with him, nit having taught him to actually do some if the emotional work in relationships etc…

As for believing that adults behave a certain way JUST BECAUSE of the way they’ve been raised. With no input from society at large or their temperament and choices, it’s just laughable tbh.

Basically it’s bashing the mother AGAIN for things that aren’t right.

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse I agree with your interpretation and it seems to me it’s the most likely.
Getting the balance right between being there but not too much is HARD

Doing all the leg work whilst still believing that this is not OK (because why should women be again the one carrying all the mental load?) isn’t an easy position either.

I have the opposite to this to an extent, my MIL is easier than my mother. What she does which is helpful is that she's consistent, she never compares or talks about anyone else (my family or otherwise), she and my FIL make continued effort to contact us and are not offended and don't guilt trip us when we are being rubbish with contact (usually because we get to busy with work). They are just always happy when we call or can spend time together and put themselves out to make it easy for us now they are retired. There is no second guessing them, they're consistently supportive of our decisions (I'd expect some they thought we were mad for in hindsight but never a word or mention, only supportive which makes it eady to share information with them). My mother on the other hand is critical, envious, picks holes in our decisions or blows hot and cold and requires a lot of 'managing'. Be easy, be proactive and excited about their lives (and your own), be a positive, strong supporter, advocate and backstop for them both. Regardless of the season changing and him growing up, he needs you on his team cheering and won't forget that. I hope it improves, these things can be awkward to navigate but you are being mindful, don't let ego get in your way from making continual effort. Be yourself (you don't have to be similar to the in-laws).

Ask if they fancy meeting up for a walk or exhibition etc nearby - nothing more boring than just going round to someone's house to perch on a sofa. Or visit a cafe/restaurant near their new house.
Oh and don't "remind" him to call you, just call him around 8pm once you know he's finished work.
If he actively avoids you then that's different. Chances are he's just busy and selfishly (totally normal by the way) takes you for granted as you've always been there.

Gosh, if I wrote everything I wanted to here, this would be a record, gargantuan post.

DH has 1 sibling but all his side = very, very large family.
I don't have any siblings, family and cousins etc, quite small now.
DH's parents live about 50 mins away, mine, several hours. None of the family is a huge user of Whatsapp, Zoom etc, but my DPs have very limited internet and technology to use it.
Married 25 years.

My DPs are extremely jealous of 'the in-laws' and are convinced we see much more of them, are so much more in touch, etc. It's absolutely not true - we see my DPs more if anything, and when they are staying, it's usually for quite some time because of distance (and there is no space to stay at their end, so we book places to stay if we are going the other way). It has led to completely strange and toxic situations whenever DPs are staying, which spoils a lot - and everyone's experience. It feels as if my DPs are nice to my in-laws faces, but seething inside, and then take that out on me. I am led to wonder if they're behaving the same way about me or my DH, and seethe to others about how we are...(fill in suitable blank here).

No amount of doing birthday things, Christmas hosting, calls, other points where people need help with small crises, has helped much. It's even come to comments like 'You never take us out when we are staying, are you ashamed of us?' (NB - this is over a couple of weeks; child at school; work; I like cooking because it fits with evening timings; and plenty of daytime visits to cafes, coffee etc).

Or 'Well, you haven't spent your birthday with us in years' (true - but it is a very difficult date when there's rarely anything going on, and I have never found it even possible to make a big deal of it with anyone). It has got to the point where I truly think that they can see only what they choose to see, and hear only what they choose to hear.

And the comment upthread is striking a chord. GFs and newish wives might do it for so long, but believe me, I am one who's closed that file as I am busy enough. Interesting how the men aren't judged by the same standards if they don't meet the wifework brief the way their partners could.

"Bravo for all the posters 'managing' and arranging contacts with their ILs. It's called wifework and imo is a bad reflection on any man who can't be bothered to keep contact with his own family, remember birthdays etc."

Ain't you the charmer?

Tbh it's kind of hypocritical to you to have done this to MIL and then all of a sudden it happens to you and then it's an issue.

I think it is so common for the men to be absorbed into the wife's family. I can see it in most of the men I know relationships.

It's tricky and I fully expect this to happen to me too since I have two boys. Although my MIL has a boy and a girl and neither of them even respond to her messages in the family chat which I think is shitty. I respond mainly but I am torn between doing that as it alleviates her actual children from doing it, and also I can't really be bothered as I have my own family and relationships to deal with.
They are also "I'm crazy" and I really hate that. They are not my kind of people but they are kind to me and the children. They live 4 hours away so we don't see them much. I wish my husband would make more effort but he is averse to video calls and messaging and yet we are too busy to meet up with them and so this results in long delays of communication between them.
What I will say though is that when MIL gets in touch it comes across as desperate and Ilit puts me off communicating. Not sure why!

Responding to your final paragraph in bold:

It depends what you want and how you view family though IMO. When I married my DH, his family became my family. There's no real distinction between my side and his side in my mind.

Now I might take a different view if I was having to work FT and "managing contact" was another chore on a long list, but I don't feel like that, so why shouldn't I help smooth a path when everyone involved benefits from it? Most of all, my children.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy do you know the OP story regarding her MIL that allows you say that taking her distance wasn’t the right thing for her to do???
You know that her own MIL wasn’t toxic and it’s all the OP’s fault for not making an effort?

It must be amazing to have that type of gift and being able to know what’s going in people’s life Wo having ever interacted with them!

It's harsh but it is true.
My husband doesn't arrange stuff with his family. If anything happens it's either me or his mum arranging it.
I arrange tonnes of stuff with my family so we see them more..

She says In one of her posts she understands now what happened with her MIL is happening to her. Did you miss that bit?

Tbh op I find this all a bit pathetic. Why won’t your son remember to call you, huh? That’s not is GFs fault is it. Grow up Jesus Christ.

Why don’t you, oh idk, organise to meet your son yourself if you want to see him. Ffs.

All is DIL hate is internalised misogyny and thinking your son is yours only. He’s a grown man like you’re a grown woman.

@MyriadOfTravels this I think tells it clearly. Her MIL wasn't a monster or toxic. They just couldn't be arsed with her

@Dacadactyl that was not my comment, but a quote from another poster a fair way upthread.

As I said, the combination of the 2 sides of the family are one that's very large and one that isn't. It's lovely to consider everyone as all one, but not if the reality is where I take the flak because 2 parents have taken against 2 other parents (without the 2nd pair realising this) and still expect to behave like that repeatedly in the home that is mine and DH's. I am more than happy that they have their own relationships with their grandchild, but not if that makes grandchild some kind of pressurised pawn - so there is a protective aspect too.

It’s not bashing the mother - it’s pointing out that her son should be the one organising the meeting. Not the DIL. If her son wanted to, he would. To a certain extent, yes it is about how you’re raised. If you’re raised watching you mum do all that wifework then little boys are going to grow up to men who expect their wives and girlfriends to do the wife work, like mummy did. But women of this generation watched their mum handle all that load on top of work etc. and watched their dads so jack shit. So they don’t want to do that. They want the man to carry their fair share of the load.

Look for ways you can communicate your desire to be included and contribute in a positive way.

Let go of your own experiences a bit and remember these are different people.

Invite them to things you know the whole family would like to do. Offer to help, ask what would be useful.

Who do you know with a positive relationship with their DIL? Look at what works there for a positive model.

Firstly - I note I made a cracking typo of YANBU when I meant YABU so apologies if that confused.

However I was illustrating the point which is equally valid here. When a whole bunch of posters point out that your perspective might be skewed, the odds are it might be skewed.

It doesn't help the OP in the slightest if we all say "there there, evil GF, evil iLs" when the responsibility for the OP's relationship with her son is between her and her DS.

If you expect your DiLs to mediate the relationship with your sons then you are setting yourself up for a frankly miserable time. I don't expect my relationship with my sons to be managed by their partners any more than my relationship with my daughters - that is between me and them.

And just as an example of why I don't like to get involved too much or take over... After reading this thread I sent my mil some photos and video of the kids and she responded saying she wants to come and visit asap and is checking dates.
It's too much in a response to sending pics..

Aww this is what I'm so scared about with my son even though I've swore I would never be like a MIL I had 😩

My Mum is a bit like you. Constantly bemoaning the time we spend with DH's parents. Thing is though - DH's parents organise things.

We're not really picking one family over another we're just accepting invites to things. My Mum expects everyone to organise for her and invite her. She will never call or text first. She will never invite us for dinner etc. I constantly have to think for her, call her, even on my birthday the expectation is - I call her. Everytime I see her, I have to plan and organise it. I've got kids, a house, a full time job....I barely organise anything for myself. But if someone says are you free x date for y thing. I check my calendar and yep we are, and I write it down.

There's a difference between not interfering and stepping back. Step forward - invite them to yours for dinner so you can see their house plans. Ask them to come to a lunch. Find something you and the GF can connect on - books/films/shopping/cooking/sports - whatever it is. If the gf has really nice nails or something like that - ask her, can you take me to your salon etc etc Don't mean to he uber stereotyping but you get the point.

Step forward in terms of the relationship but step back from the unsolicited advice. That's really all there is to it.

I entirely disagree that its 'down to your son'. It's on both of you to figure out your adult relationship and it's on you to welcome the GF in. It's not on her to force herself in.

Be someone they enjoy spending time with. I enjoy spending time with my in-laws. They are friendly, ask questions, they care, they want to plan things, they laugh and we joke. If you're like that you may soon find the GF turning to you for advice.

Equally DH enjoys spending time with his parents, but 9 times out of 10 - it is his Mum organising it. Now you can debate the fairness of that but the truth is, if she didn't we wouldn't and he certainly wouldn't and that's not because we/he don't want to. We're just a bit wrapped up in ourselves to be honest - but most likely in the same way our parents were when we were little and they were juggling everything or dating or buying houses.