Dating Thread 239 - spring fling

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

I couldn’t think of a decent as it’s been so fractious ! Will post rules shortly

[Mila14]

@Garysmum …I agree. You are doing 0 wrong. There is an age thing in ladies who are in their late 20s and 30s with no marriage and no kids…I think they tend to look for nice blokes with good jobs and marriage material. Nothing wrong with that. They might be lovely looking, super fit and have good jobs but they still want the marriage and the kids. I know all of this because I was one of them. When the fertility clock strikes…we get blind
As we age and go through the fertility thing we grow up and dislike the fella we married and can’t even think why we did so.
Dating older is liberating in a way because we don’t need to accept any nonsense…but harder because we are wary of making mistakes.
I think you have to patient @Garysmum and love yourself first.

[Mila14]

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Thanks Eesteek
My friends ND and she has this
I don’t know if I am or not ! But I have it Jesus do I have it

anyway I’m back OLD
this time - with boundaries

I quite like FEELD it’s very honest ! Lot of horny men out there
and I’m even talking to a woman about my oft imagined MFF 3 some

that said I had a call with a guy tonight
nice fella
and I feel teary and I miss my ex again
But seeing as he won’t even talk to me ..,

but what I can do ! Soldier on

Worsy…don’t worry…this will pass. I totally get you getting teary after chatting another fella.
I think this is baby steps for you now. You can start dating and just seeing if you can have some fun. Don’t force yourself in any way…let things flow.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Garysmum

its full on ! I’m being more boundaried (I want someone near me and my age )
and I’ve frozen profile while I sift through

I’ve also been ghosted - I know it’s cos he’s that way and he’s probably upset but it still fuxking hurts

LostidentityM
i dont agree Actually as a woman I get the attention ok - it’s just what attention 😂
that said I don’t want kids or a husband or even a LTR which helps 😂

[LostidentityM]

@Thisisworsethananticpated sorry I phrased that wrongly, one gets attention but not ones who you'd consider dating. I think in your case, that's fair, you say you just want casual, which a lot of men I see, want (though tbh from reading your posts, sounds like you just want what most people want, a kind, supportive bloke but unfortunately those you have met have been unavailable and perhaps you are scared to say you want better/deserve better)

[Eeksteek]

@Thisisworsethananticpated it’s a minefield. You need to do what’s right for you, without really knowing what that is, because it changes. I soldiered on after Pug, and it was such a slog. Nothing awful, just nice evenings in nice pubs wearing the same jeans-and-a-nice-top with what felt like interchangeable nice guys. I called it Groundhog Date! (I think it was only about six, but I ran them altogether in a week, because my DD was on a school trip so I took advantage of the opportunity). And they were nice, normal guys. I was clearly doing good job of weeding out eeejits. It was about as good as it gets, really! But my god it was a slog (I’m quite introverted and being a lone parent has massively limited my social life. I’m not used having one!) Like going to lots of different supermarkets when you don’t know what you want to eat, but the options are all the same in slightly different packaging, and really you fancy street food. I almost didn’t go out with MrPottery, because I thought if I didn’t want any of these nice guys, with big houses, nice cars and good jobs, then maybe I didn’t want a man at all (or maybe they just….weren’t Pug, and maybe I was in that awful place where you don’t want to be alone, but you don’t want anyone else either)

When I went out with MrPottery, it was like wandering around a Moroccan street market trying to decide what I wanted to eat. It felt exotic and exciting and different right away. Everything was surprising and delightful and I couldn’t wait to get started. It was the right thing to soldier on (I so nearly didn’t go because I was fed up. I badly needed the distraction. But if he’d not worked out, I had other things lined up. A training opportunity, a fitness goal, a(nother) new hobby, which might have done the trick, who can tell? I’m sure it’s not the only solution. You can’t tell until it’s gone past, can you? And I might live to regret it yet!)

[Mila14]

Lovely post Eeky… so glad you soldiered on. It’s really well explained. Finally you got to turn groundhog date into Moroccan spice and color date.

[Slothmomma]

@Eeksteek groundhog date is so true 😄 I've had 5 since the beginning of the year and now starting to think I'm not sure I have the energy to go on any more. Met with Mr witty but didn't really feel it but couldn't say why. Stayed chatting for a week after but neither of us had mentioned another meet so think we were both feeling same. Coms started to drift so I sent a message saying assume both not feeling it and wishing him the best. He read after a day and hasn't bothered to reply.

I suppose I should spend my freetime focusing on my coursework and trying to lose some weight and get fit but then I think you have to be in it to win it so end up going back on apps. Having said that I will shortly be having something that will affect my appearance for around a year so not sure how confident I will he dating during that time anyway.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

LostidentityM

you raise a good point
in many ways what I had before worked
sex once a week , friendship
but it turned into a cluster fuck and remained as such

i don’t want to sell myself short
but I don’t have more than one evening a week !!

im keeping my eyes 👀 open and I’ve already frozen profile

but thanks for saying that

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Slothmomma

i hope your ok ?

[Slothmomma]

@Thisisworsethananticpated yeah I'm fine - just feeling a bit deflated I guess but it will pass

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Slothmomma

im going to pause and stop every i need to

i have a nice life and this has to be fun 🤩

I like to aspect of meeting people and chatting
the dates less so !

anyway if you are feeling deflated you must remember to STOP and do something nicer xx

as your interactions won’t be fun if you feel deflated

Eeksteek
Love the analogy and yeah , pugs really lingered longer than he should have !!

[Garysmum]

@Mila14 @LostidentityM @Thisisworsethananticpated Thank you for the support. I know I a trying to be patient but at over 3 years in (with breaks of course)... I begin to wonder. 2023 has seen several first dates already with a few more lined up nearly into double figures.
I have lots of other things I can do in life and I still keep on with those. But it'a hard not to compare myself to all the friends I have had who have found life partners on OLD in the time I have made no progress! I love meeting people and have met some super interesting ones and made a couple of friends along the way.
I do think it is much harder for women though. I have upped my max age to 20 years older than me.

@Eeksteek puts it beautifully about groundhog date and why things can happen if you soldier on.

@Slothmomma I am so with you. There has been a lot of not feeling it and comms drifting with me.
I think even the most confident grounded person could have their confidence knocked by OLD.
In terms of what you mentioned affecting your appearance - I had an awful time when I ended up with an AI issue and was hobbling about on a stick. I stopped dating for a while but a surprising number of irons kept in touch (that was one who only recently ghosted me after 2 years).

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Garysmum

never compare ! Most of my mates are like me either muddling with OLD , or long term coupled up

to be fair we have seen some smitten kitten on the thread recently

I’m pretty anxious but I’ve decided that to be at single mum aged 49 is NOT a failure
ive seen what suffering is - and I’m ok 👌

I do think I have appalling and weak boundaries through 😂

the guy I had a call with yesterdays texted
he’s so good on paper I’ll text back bit if a phone calls not sparky ?

[LostidentityM]

Honestly, @Garysmum I wouldn't compare. This thread has been around yonks and whilst there have been a handful of successes, 9 times out of 10, things end and people are back on looking. Take it with a pinch of salt.

With friends, again you're only seeing things through rose tinted glasses. Your time will come. You sound lovely.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think you have a ton on your plate anyway. You need someone pretty special to have your back.

[Eeksteek]

I don’t think I would even call a permanent (if there is such a thing) relationship ‘a success’. It’s not the definitive life goal and you somehow fall short if you don’t have a partner that you expect to grow old with. Or a failure if your partnership breaks up or doesn’t materialise. I think society is very narrow minded on that expectation.

I’m having a blast with relationships now, but have not felt the need for one AT ALL for a decade. I felt I was entirely complete as I was, and no one ever made me feel less because I was single. (If it wasn’t for my perimenopausal sex drive, I would probably still be blissfully single!)

[Definitelycross]

@Slothmomma - right there with you 🤗

@Garysmum the guy Mr#8 that I was absolutely smitten with told me on Date 3 that I was too fat too. I'm however size 16 but I'm tall too so I just look very hourglass.

My whole self took a massive knock. So much so I met with Mr#9 and when he rejected me, rather than the other way round I deleted all my profiles and have been licking my wounds since.

Mr#9 was ok but just ok.

I want someone I can imagine waking up next to.

I've also reflected on Mr#8 and realised that he totally love bombed me. I didn't even realise, and I've been on the bloody journey to freedom with Womens Aid 🤦‍♀️

It's so hard when random people have the power to make you feel less than you are.

I had my decree nisi hearing today. I'm knocked sideways but I'm carrying on - very tempted to go back online but don't trust my own judgey yet.

[Definitelycross]

Judgement

[Definitelycross]

I went to a gig last night, on my own, strong independent woman and there were so many handsome tall guys there. But with wives 🤦‍♀️

But like someone said - you've got to be in it to win it.

[LostidentityM]

@Definitelycross did Mr 8 actually say those words? I only ask as i cant imagine anyone with half a brain thinking that was something acceptable to say to anyone. Either he's a complete dunce or hell bent on putting you down, both of which you are better off without. A male friend was told 'well you arent exactly Bradley Cooper' by a date which i thought was very cruel and i couldnt believe people can be so blunt!

[Mila14]

But it's hard not to compare myself to all the friends I have had who have found life partners on OLD in the time I have made no progress!
the reality is that those of us paired have 0 guarantees and things can change tomorrow. Let’s just share our experiences wherever we are on our ways. People stay in relationships but they also break up and are back to OLD. Each experience is different. But not better or worse…just different.

[Definitelycross]

@LostidentityM

@Definitelycross did Mr 8 actually say those words? I only ask as i cant imagine anyone with half a brain thinking that was something acceptable to say to anyone. Either he's a complete dunce or hell bent on putting you down, both of which you are better off without. A male friend was told 'well you arent exactly Bradley Cooper' by a date which i thought was very cruel and i couldnt believe people can be so blunt!

One of his statements, don't want to out myself but he said - I've only ever dated skinny women so I'm finding it hard to accept you.

He then told me - now X is so fat she'd make you look skinny.

That's when I walked.

Never had any further contact from him so he obviously felt justified in this opinion and stating it so bluntly.

I quite like myself just now. My confidence took a real kicking when STBXH had his affair(s) Mr#8 just seemed so smitten. Kept telling me he couldn't believe he'd landed me and how gorgeous I was, how lucky he was, couldn't wait to introduce me to his family as he'd told them all about me - in messages and two dates. Then bam. Fuck it hurt really badly.

[LostidentityM]

@Definitelycross well that's pretty awful, honestly I genuinely think you had a lucky escape there.

[Eeksteek]

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but my god you dodged a bullet there! I really hope you hit paydirt soon. You’re certainly putting in the legwork (and it IS legwork at this stage. It’s supposed to be fun, but actually it isn’t at all, until you get over the ‘dating’ hump to the ‘new relationship’ stage, which takes much longer with OLD It’s really quite tedious.

[Definitelycross]

@LostidentityM

@Definitelycross well that's pretty awful, honestly I genuinely think you had a lucky escape there.

Thank you.

But unfortunately it's made me totally distrust my feelings that I could have fallen so hard.

@Eeksteek I've been off the apps totally for about ten days now. Not rested but deleted. I just can't find the energy or self confidence.

[NoDatingForOldMen]

Hello everyone, just thought I would pop by and say hello 👋,
Hello.