Dating Thread 239 - spring fling

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

I couldn’t think of a decent as it’s been so fractious ! Will post rules shortly

Oncey

their mum moving the OM in to the family home mere months after their dad left

That is brutal I think. Yes, I think it’s easier for you as kids are excellent ages. But his kids have had quite shock so I think it’s a great idea to go for a meal and a walk or something fun for them. You’ll figure it out just fine.

My own XH moved his OW and her three kids into his new home a few months after leaving home and insisted pur kids (then very young and shell shocked 10 & two 15 year olds) get on with them as "they are your new family" Wtaf. Errrr nope. Needless to say they've declined to spend much time with their dad ever since as he can't have his lucky lady not around to make time for them. And from what overhear them say they are not big fans.

I've asked them what would their preference be for future introductions and all they could think of was low-key, neutral territory where they didn't have to wear strange clothes (eg GoApe or indoor snowboarding etc)
Other than that they aren't fussed.

I’m happy to hear all viewpoints. But I want to know what the ACTUAL risk is behind the hysteria. What, in reality might happen here? How might it affect my DD? A few guys come and go? That’s how dating goes kid, it’s not a Disney movie out there. Some guys are weird up close? Again, not everyone is nice. I’ve got your back on this one. I get my heart broken? Yeah, it happens. Here’s how you deal with it, it’ll be yours one day. (I’m not even going to go there with safeguarding. Of course I made sure everyone was 100% supervised for their own safety. It’s partly why I think more people around was better, but I also think it took the pressure off my DD a bit, who’s shy with new people)

Sure, if I’m moving them in every few months and making her call them daddy, that’s an issue. If she has issues around a parental loss to deal with, it’s not appropriate. But I think kids can see healthy dating, and shaming women who openly are is the patriarchy using the kids well-being to limit mothers. Again. It also smacks of telling kids the animals at the farm are giving each other piggy backs, to me. Age appropriate exposure to their mother’s dates when a child is settled after separation and has support for their feelings is not harmful. It’s normal and healthy. No one needs to wait six months (and it’s fine if people want to)

I agree @Eeksteek when I was broken hearted after a break up it was straightforward to the kids to see why I was so upset as they liked him a lot too. I wasn't just moping over a faceless fella.

When another romance ended after 9 months it was in full consultation with the teens as I knew they'd miss his daughter but could see he was nice but annoying and not a long term good match.

I think there is a view from films and TV and media of the ‘slatternly’ mums

they bring in man after man
the men then swing the babies round the room
the kids can’t sleep as the headboards banging
the kids walk in on man in bathroom and see dick etc

grim shit like that

I didn’t introduce ex to mine - but for reasons I won’t share it wasn’t appropriate- nothing sinister just some other stuff that meant it wound have been a bad idea

that said my kids know I’m sexual as they’ve found stuff 😁 that was nice

Oncey …I am amazed about your XH doing that. One thing is introducing your partner and another moving in lock stock and barrel with kids without them having an opportunity to meet the other person and ease in.
Good for you Eeky and I think you got this sorted

Worsy!!!

that said my kids know I’m sexual as they’ve found stuff 😁 that was nice

😂😂😂😂😈

@Eeksteek and @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss delighted to hear about your weekends. Dating is tough, we deserve happiness too and it's very clear that you had given time and consideration to others when making your decision. I was very reluctant to let my partner meet my kids for many reasons but knew it had to happen if it was to progress. I'm delighted to say they get on great and I definitely made a bigger deal of it than it was....they actually said to me in the end mum why arent you bringing him here! It's so much easier once you get past that. Enjoy.

@Eeksteek it was clear that this was something you wanted to do regardless of any viewpoints with is fine. To me, bringing in a man into your child's life within 6 weeks was far too short a time period but clearly you feel he's important and you want it to work and this is the way you want to go about things. With regard to sleepovers, i didnt even think about the point about letting my child stay over at a place where the parent was having their new partner round as a pp has said but it's an important point too. That recent case with the young mother and her child and their friend being attacked by the mum's new partner was horrific. One cant live in fear but i think one has to be careful.

Eeksteek
That's great that it worked out for you. I hope things get even better in the future.

I've never formally introduced my kids to anyone I've been dating. Just casually dropped their name into conversation and told my kids if I was staying at my partner's house.

Your reasoning is interesting and has made me think about what I should do if I ever find a new partner.

Mr MindReader met my kids briefly on a few occasions. But he said he felt excluded and would've liked to spend more time with us as a family (not that he said this at the time!). Maybe I should've been less cautious about how much my kids saw of him.

Nelly…Eeky is doing what is right for her but you did the right thing too. Mr Mindreader feeling excluded takes the biscuit. Don’t fall for that crap. He was going to crap do on you with or without your kids in the picture. It’s really good he was excluded
We all have GUT feelings about a guy and we know deep down if this is ok or not.

@LostidentityM I was totally happy to be convinced otherwise if there were reasons that didn’t boil down to ‘everyone on the internet says wait six months’. I think women (in general) are advised to be cautious when there’s no (or extremely rare) payoff. No one was saying I shouldn’t have a guy over. Or he shouldn’t meet my kid. Just that he shouldn’t sleep here. It seems utterly illogical to me. I’m totally happy to change my view with evidence or sound reasoning. But not with unfounded opinion, very rare poor outcomes or other people’s feelings (which remain absolutely valid, and everyone should absolutely do what they feel comfortable with themselves. Just own them as nothing more than personal feelings)

My ex had a business partner that turned out to be into child porn. We’d known him for years, and socialised all the time. My ex worked with him day, in, day out. We had no idea. His wife had no idea. By all the general reasonings here, MNers would have been totally happy having him alone around their kids. I’d babysat for his, if we’d have had them at the time, they’d have probably babysat for ours. (I didn’t like him, actually, but I just thought he was a bit of a misogynist twat, nothing more). In my actual real life experience, knowing people for a long time is no protection at all. None. So I’m not inclined to give it much credence. I’m not saying go with your gut, or do t wait a bit and see how things pan out, just that waiting months or years to make it safer….doesn’t.

@Eeksteek I think we can only ever go with the information we have at the time and make a judgement we are happy with - it sounds like you weighed up the pros and cons well. I also like the idea of modelling healthy relationships - it doesn’t do children harm to see us as humans too from time to time

My DC are primary age and met MrF a little before I would have liked after an incident with my exH. However it was the best thing to happen tbh. My DC thought he was great, he wasn’t put off by the madness of my life and I’m happy it worked out like that.

MrF has now been round a few times, seen DC just before bed and then stayed a few hours with me before heading home. It has been lovely and feels like the right step to be making even though we’ve only been together 4ish months 😊

Mila14
I get what you're saying but my kids are late teens. I probably could've done more to introduce them to Mr MindReader.
I kept him quite seperate from my family life because that's how I've always done dating.

With hindsight he could've spent more time in my house when they were with me.
However, I think he would've found another reason to feel neglected.

I've been slowly chatting to someone on Match for about 3weeks now. He sends one maybe two messages a day.

He seems nice and we have a lot in common. And it's been suggested a couple of times by both of us that we meet.

I think he has been let down quite a bit in the past. He has mentioned a few incidents that seem to have upset him. So he's being cautious.

I've said I'd rather meet soon otherwise we'll run out of things to say. And he agreed.

Saturday evening he tells me he has a coffee date on Sunday. But it's ok for us to keep chatting as nothing fixed. I'm fine with that.
Yesterday I asked if he wanted to meet this coming weekend, unless he was planning to meet the other person.
He said she'd turned him down, so he'd like to carry on chatting to me and maybe meet at the weekend. He seemed a bit upset that she'd rejected him

I don't have any other chats happening. I still seem to be invisible! But this is like pulling teeth.
I understand his need to be cautious but he's only going to feel worse if we ever meet and I decide he's not for me.

I'm thinking of ending our chat if he can't decide whether to meet me.
Or should I stick it out in case he turns out to be lovely in real life?

NellyTheCake

sorry bit for me that’s a hard NO 👎

you are already second best and you haven't key the fucker !!! i would not like that

Met him I mean
sorry

I've realised I now use my kids as a litmus test IN MY HEAD

They are very cool good judges of character so if I find myself cringing at the thought of the kids meeting a newish romantic partner then clearly they aren't for me.

@NellyTheCake there is no way I'd chat to someone for three weeks before meeting. I did once as matches with someone just as he headed away for a project but should have just said 'Ping me when you are back' instead of forming a textual relationship with a stranger

It's a no that he's not all fired up and keen to meet you. Let him go.

@Eeksteek will be fascinating to see how you manage it all going forward. I’d always wondered about your style approach to introducing men into my house. I wouldn’t do it as one I knew - after investigation over in the States- turned out to have released firearms in the home and served time. Took a year for information there to be verified. So I think I’d rather navigate it more slowly. Have fun and hope it remains upbeat for you all.

You are not his first choice obviously… I’d pass really

This is for Nelly

Thanks everyone
I don't think I'm his second choice. I get the impression he was chatting to her for weeks before me and she pushed him to meet. "She'd been asking me to meet for a while now" is what he said. And when she turned down a second date he went out with his mates to "have a few pints and try and get over it"

But he's just coming across as a bit wishy washy and indecisive.
I've told him I have time at the weekend and that he should let me know what he wants to do. I'm not going to chase him.

Seriously Nelly… you know you he’s not that into you and very much was into her. He may meet you but will still look for someone else. Waste of time

@NellyTheCake outright no from me too. Why would you want to be 2nd choice?

Nelly, for whatever reason, he’s not ready. It’s his job to get himself into a place where he’s ready to date, not yours. Send him a message saying you’re looking to meet someone in person, and to let you know when he’s ready to do that, and wish him all the best.